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Thursday, June 2, 2011

Careful Around The Punchbowl There, Karl

This bit of fluffery is an out-and-out re-post from August of last year. I changed nothing. I should feel bad about that, having violated my own rule re: writing every day, but the truth is that I'm fully booked -- and writing things aside from the blog! -- until Monday. Hope you enjoy it anyway.

Like all right-thinking citizens of the mostly-modern world, I’m on Facebook.

I got tired of people saying things like “didn’t you get the update?” or “oh, we knew about their new dog on Tuesday, when they got him. That’s old news”.

So I bought in.

And out they came, every person I’d ever met. Facebook had all kinds of friend suggestions for me, from my junior-high boyfriends to high-school science partners to people I had suspected were dead and/or imprisoned, all with pictures and links and frighteningly angry opinions on everything ranging from how to parent your children to fast food.

Here I thought ol’ FB would be more like a party. You know, we’d chat, share some photos, buy each other a couple of virtual drinks and talk about that screenplay we were pretty sure we could write if we had more time.

But like every party, I seem to have wandered into the part of the kitchen cordoned off for the politically angry, the porch dedicated to several weeping individuals who want to know WHY, WHY?, the back steps where a group is (virtually) hugging fervently and passing out (virtual) promises.

I am not among the most readily in touch with my (virtual) emotions and tend to look at these things askance.

And for this – and for using the word “askance” – I will pay.

I offer you this unseemly exchange from a couple weeks back as proof.

Brent - a person I knew a good 15 years ago and now seems prone to sending warm and loving regards to all, sparkling angels, and What Kind Of Elf Would You Be quizzes - posts on his wall: Until you have loved an animal, a part of your soul remains undeveloped.

Pearl - a callus individual I sometimes claim not to know and will refer to here in the third person - responded: And once you have loved an animal and been caught, you have a police record.

I worried about my cynical post immediately, only to have a number of comments of the “LOL” variety follow in quick succession.

Despite the (virtual) validation, I can’t help but wonder: Perhaps FB is a party, just one I don’t understand.

Could I be the turd in the FB punchbowl?

39 comments:

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

You rock. Seriously. I'm really glad you posted this again, for I would surely have never seen it and would not have had my first laugh of the day (which I needed - bad). Gracias!

Pearl said...

Six-Fingered Monkey, de nada. :-) I have almost 1100 posts now, and I have to admit that I remember roughly, um, five of them. And would you think me odd if I admitted to laughing out loud when I read the old ones? Seriously, it's like someone else wrote them...

Anonymous said...

I did enjoy. And yes, fb is so not the genteel album one might expect. -vanilla (dang google won't let me post with my own identity. wth)

Pearl said...

vanilla, no, it won't let me comment either. Annoying. Since writing this post, I've actually "unfriended " one person and hidden some others. It just got to be too psychologically draining to read, you know? Things have lightened up considerably since then. :-)

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

Hahah.. that sounds like something I'd do.

Simply Suthern said...

I have a standing rule. I dont read books. So being Face"book" I aint going to get involved. However I hear the wife complaining about it all the time. "Why dont you quit" I ask. She cant she says, "I have to keep up with whats going on". So the circle of Strife continues.

I'd say Brent prolly represents the floating object in the societal toilet that is Facebook.

powdergirl said...

You forgot the self-promotion up-dates of the wanna-be-somebody's. Tiresome to say the least.
But like Simply says above, I have to keep up...
Don't delete me Pearl, I'll stop spouting political, I promise.

Pearl said...

Yandie, I laughed while I did it. :-)

Simply, it's amazing how few filters some people have. Bodily functions, online spats, thoughtless comments re: religion/ethnicity/political affiliations -- all before lunch! I swear: we take ourselves far too seriously.

powdergirl, and you and I is FB friends. :-) I actually enjoy your goofiness. Don't think I've heard a harsh or stupid word out of you yet. :-)

Glen said...

Sorry I'm too busy commenting elsewhere this week so I can't possibly comment here.

Hence I'm re posting a comment from earlier this year.

That Liza Bean Bitey sure is one crazy cat.

p.s. Don't bother looking back to see if I ever actually left that comment - I didn't.

laughingmom said...

I haven't taking the facebook plunge - faceplant? - yet and don't know if I will. The blogging thing is addictive enough!

Chris Phillips said...

Facebook is a party and I the life of it.

Pearl said...

Glen, that's fantastic. :-)

laughingmom, faceplant! That's perfect.

Chris, come stand next to me, then, and bring the chips with you...

Bossy Betty said...

This is why Facebook is a book I sometimes read, but never write in.

Eva Gallant said...

You are so funny...it's why I love reading your posts. I suspect, however, that Liza Bean Bitey is way ahead of you on facebook protocol! I'm sure it's right down her alley...pardon the pun.

Pearl said...

Bossy, I have to admit I too write less than I read. :-)

Eva, oh, thank you! Hmm. And that has me thinking. Should Liza Bean Bitey have her own FB page? Do I have time in my dad for such silliness?!

Pearl said...

FYI, to those readers looking for more funny, you have to go to Chris Phillips' blog. It's over there, on the right, in my blog roll, all fresh and new. He could be a new favorite of yours!

Audubon Ron said...

I had to tune-out on Facebook. It all happens so fast and I'm a slow reader. It got to be an "In your Facebook" to me. That and the Little Woman is askance with me possibly running into a high school girl friend, or two, or three, or ten.

Pat said...

I knew Facebook was not for me but sort of stumbled on it and now really enjoy scrabble or lexulus as the Americans have it.
I'm going away for a short while. Don't go anywhere.

Pearl said...

Audubon Ron, and there's THAT, too!

Pat, I'll be right here. :-) Take pictures!

savannah said...

lordy, sugar! i think i'd spend all my time LOL if i followed you on fb, too! you're a peach! xoxoxo

Pearl said...

Oh, savannah, you're so kind!

WrathofDawn said...

Just as in real life, some of the citizens of Farcebookland have absolutely no sense of humour at ALL. And don't even think about using irony.

Fortunately, I enjoy tormenting those asshats as much on FBL as I do in real life.

jabblog said...

Facebook is good for seeing what far-flung family members are up to. I actually 'unfriended' a large number of people - I'm not interested in having hundreds of 'friends' I have never met and with whom I never exchange a word, let alone an opinion. Yes, I'm a miserable old sod!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

I quite enjoy the Books of Face. I am going to look you up, so as to more thoroughly annoy you, Pearl.
And I'm quite sure you're not the turd in the FB punchbowl. You might, however, be the Baby Ruth ;)

Oilfield Trash said...

Good repost!!!

Belle said...

I don't like Facebook. I stay on for my husband's family but I dread going on there. I can't think of much to say in one or two sentences. Plus, lots of people are writing, "Blah, blah, blah... put this as your status or I will know you don't read my stuff or care about me." Holy Crap!

SeaD said...

Love this ... just like I love all your writing. I have over a weeks worth to catch up on. My 2nd g-baby arrived last week and this gma has been busy helping out. I did miss your funny, though.

Jimmy said...

Facebook... living life in a goldfish bowl while swimming in other people shite. Not for me hen.

R. Jacob said...

Someone who looks at the world with the same way of thinking...

Gigi said...

I LOATHE Facebook - but yet, there I am. But you won't find me updating or playing games. I check in about once a week or so to catch up with old friends who can't seem to figure out 1) how the telephone works or 2) what email is all about. As for the random people crawling out of my past - I've locked that account down so tight that my own husband couldn't find me if we weren't already "friends."

Caleb said...

You know that I read his comment and was like, "Yeah, but if you..." and read your comment, which finished my thoughts.

Soul mates, Pearl. Soulmates.

Good luck with your other writing! And I told my dad your comment and he said "thanks. Who's Pearl?"

Ha! Love that guy. He writes EXACTLY like he speaks, which is super awesome!

Later, gator.

Caleb

Cheeseboy said...

Count my LOL along with the others. Please tell me he dropped you as a friend.

Susan in the Boonies said...

HOOTED OUT LOUD at that one, Pearl!!!!

Be my facebook friend!!!!

I promise: I"m politically completely neutral on Facebook!

Cake Betch said...

Meh, FB is what you make it. The ones that are always posting crap like that usually get hidden. I hate reading that crap too.

ThreeOldKeys said...

Funny as always.

I was on FB until certain Friends (who were also family members) started posting TMI that I didn't want to know .... instead of blocking or being choosy, I announced I was dropping off on a certain date. And I did.

The freedom from obligation, temptation and communication has been ... oh ... so ... lovely.

injaynesworld said...

Screamingly funny and well worth the repost. I did a repost today, too. Oddly, it too had a Facebook theme. Great minds, huh?

Or not...

HermanTurnip said...

Facebook is a party that you're forced to attend. Every day your dad drops you off in his olive-drab '60 El Camino, where upon you sign the sign-in sheet and stick a "Hello, my name is..." sticker on the front of your shirt, then you mingle with people whom you quite often don't really know but each and every one of them knows at least one embarrassing "something" about you. You then part ways with a "Golly, that was fun" smirk on your face, but inside you fear what insulting tidbit of information might make its way back to your boss.

But then again, that's just been my personal experience. YMMV...

jenny_o said...

If it weren't for re-posts, Pearl, some of us newer people wouldn't get to enjoy your past posts. There just isn't enough time to read all the good stuff there is on the innernets!

This post makes me gladder than ever that I don't "do" Facebook. The forwarded emails are aggravating enough (especially the ones along the lines of "you are a fabulous person, now send this to fifteen people you know, including me if you think I'm fabulous too")

Anonymous said...

This post-of-a-post made my day. I'm not kidding! My MIL and BIL are about to turn into my driveway, after having pulled off a trick move that lasted almost 750 miles. This slight of hand was made possible by Mark Zuckerberg, an impulse to attend an all-boys high school reunion, a long lost love from college, a gastroenterologist, and Just For Men. Don't ask. You don't want the details. Just know that it takes a facebook village!

This particular comment needed to be anon, see above, but I am your newest fan!