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Monday, June 13, 2011

... And Now, for the Weather...

It’s been a problem for me for years, but I’ve discovered a cure for my insomnia.

It’s Willie’s conversational skills.

He’s a lovely man, don’t misunderstand, but if he doesn’t stop talking about the weather soon, I’m going to stuff his ears with ricotta.

It’s in the fridge. We work with what’s on hand.

Weather, as many of you know, is a staple of conversation through the middle part of the U.S. Minnesota in particular provides a number of interesting weather treats to ponder, including a yearly temperature variance of well over 120 degrees; whirling, sucking wind vortexes; and blinding snowstorms that once drove hearty ancestors to affix rope from the house to the out-buildings and stuff unwary travelers into the slaughtered bellies of oxen for warmth.

And so, while grateful that Willie has a “weather eye” out at all times, what it does to everyday conversations leaves one falling limply off the furniture, eyelids fluttering.

“I see here where the temperature, with the heat index, is going to be around 105 degrees tomorrow.”

“Is that right, Pa?”

He hates when I call him Pa.

“Say, you didn’t happen to catch the rainfall totals for last week, did you?”

“No, sorry. I was totally disinterested and opted to alphabetize the pantry instead.”

“Did you really?”

“No.”

Things could be worse, a fact of which I know firsthand.   I’ve had boyfriends who stole my eyeliner, for cryin’ out loud.

Then again, once they learned not to do that we then had two eyeliners in the house…

“Pearl, it’s gonna rain! Grab your umbrella!”

“Willie, there’s not a cloud in the sky.”

“Yeah, but I got a feeling about this one.”

Unfortunately, Willie’s weather feelings are a poor bet. Outside of “probably going to snow tomorrow”, said in the middle of January or “Gonna be windy tomorrow!” in the spring, he’s just making it up.

It’s a cure for insomnia, isn’t it, this incessant weather blather. A carefully interjected “You don’t say” or “That seems different than last season, doesn’t it?” is all he asks for and all I need to ensure ten minutes of conjecture regarding caterpillar stripes and their warnings on the dreadful winter to come.

Frankly, they’re all dreadful.

Still, he gets to talk about the weather with only the mildest of interjections and ribbing on my part, and I get to fall asleep to muted dreams of snowbound cabins and roaring fireplaces.

Another problem solved.

39 comments:

Eva Gallant said...

Willy sounds like a character!

Drake Sigar said...

Sounds like a splendid fellow, we'd get along swimmingly.

haphazardlife said...

It's the same here. The weather will be what it will be without our discussing it ad nauseum. It's gotten to the point where if it has been raining for a few days or unseasonably warm or cold they'll have a meteorologist on the morning radio show to comment. Yeah, it's raining, yeah, we noticed we don't really NEED someone telling us it's raining. Drives me crazy, it does.

Glen said...

I'm not sure if you have some but peanut butter works better than ricotta

I don't know why - it just does

p.s. may contain nuts

blueviolet said...

He needs to join some type of forum with other weather-minded folks!

Pearl said...

Limited responses here today, folks. Have been forced to tape my right-hand pinkie finger to its neighbor having bent it back quite dramatically at Saturday night's serving gig. :-( It's delightfully fat and purple-ish...

Pearl said...

That is to say that there will be limited responses from ME. The rest of you, carry on, please. :-)

R. Jacob said...

Shield your eyes when he walks into the room?

Simply Suthern said...

For us deemed socially awkward, weather is usually all we know to talk about. Of course the fall back is we can discuss the lost social relevance of the Andy Griffith show.

Just not hopping party people. Im usually free on weekends.

Simply Suthern said...

Sorry to hear about your purple pinky. Hopefully it doesnt clash with your snappy outfit. Squirt some windex on it.

Doubting Thomas said...

Sorry to hear 'bout the finger!

Weather seems to be a constant topic of conversation 'round these parts, too. Even when we have our string of 100+ temps for three months.

And then the old saying about Texas weather "If you don't like it, hang around for an hour... it'll change" :)

IndigoWrath said...

Oooh, fireplaces zzzz

Nessa Roo said...

I completely agree with Doubting Thomas. It usually is like that in Texas.
But about the blog: I DID almost fall asleep during that paragraph about the temperature variance, but you pulled me out of a the snore with the mention of slaughtered cattle.
One thing I know, your blog will never be a cure for insomnia!

Joshua said...

My trick to getting The Wife to fall asleep so I can play video games? I start talking about nerd things, let her sleep for 10 minutes, then wake her and tuck her into bed. Works every time.

Belle said...

My husband always knows the weather forecast. I am less than interested because the forecast is always wrong. After years and years of this, he still believes.

Daisy said...

Oh Ouch! Sorry about the finger. As "SS" says: squirt some Windex on it.

Oilfield Trash said...

I could use a cure for insomnia.

Tom G. said...

Weather is a sport to Minnesotan's. I think the highest rated show on TV is "the weather".We talk about the weather on Monday mornings like it was the Vikings game. "Great weather on Saturday, huh?", "You betcha. Got out and did some gardening".

When we're sitting on the couch yawning at 9:30pm, the question we always ask each other is "Are you staying up to see the weather?". Not "the news", not "the score of the Twins game". Those can wait till morning. No, it is imperative that we go to dreamland knowing what the dewpoint, and barometric pressure will be tomorrow.

We are total Weather Geeks.

UB3TCHA!

jenny_o said...

Ha ha! There's weather as small talk and then there's weather as serious conversation; sounds like Willie falls into category #2 :)

As for your pinkie, isn't Windex just for actual broken skin type wounds? Better get out your lunch ice pak for that baby. Hope it feels better soon.

Douglas said...

When I lived in Manassas (that's in Virginia...and the home of Lorena Bobbitt... who did), I was hooked on the Weather Channel. Why? Because the weather was almost unpredictable. Watching the Weather Channel didn't help but it was entertaining. The only thing you could count on was that the weather report would be wrong.

Audubon Ron said...

See the movie True Grit if you have not. The most important item of note is the script does not have a contraction. I am reminded of this as in particular as I see your picture of Jeff Bridges.

mybabyjohn said...

If hubby is going to miss the weather he asks me to watch it and give him the report...I never do.

Bossy Betty said...

I know several people who would love to converse with Willy. I'll send them over.

Bouncin' Barb said...

So when I can't sleep at night, you think I should turn on the weather channel? That will make me sleepy? I'll have to try that one! haha.

Mandy_Fish said...

Is your Facebook newsfeed spammed with weather posts whenever it's hot or cold? Is this normal? Is it midwestern? Is it also somehow related to sports updates? Save me.

Pat Tillett said...

I'm with you! If I wanted to hear about weather, I'd move to a place where they actually have some. I just wash my sleeping pill down with a glass of wine and I'm good to go (to sleep that is).
Great and funny post Pearl!

Tom G. said...

PS - I love our new Gang Tag! I have already stolen it and posted it in my sidebar.

Linda O'Connell said...

Hope your pinkie heals and your Willie hushes.

Gigi said...

My Hubby doesn't talk about the weather incessantly but he does like to repeat the same stories over and over and OVER again....always knocks me right out.

The sad thing is, it's not age-related he's ALWAYS been like this.

Susan in the Boonies said...

The older people get, the more addicted they become to The Weather Channel.

Have you noticed?

I should blog about this, because it's more than true.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

He does sound like a darling, tedious man. I suppose the weather reports are better than the snoring, since you can sleep through them.

Hope your pinkie heals quickly.
xoRobyn

Julia said...

The proper cure for this is not cheese its peanut butter smeared to the roof of his mouth...it will take at least 10 minute for him to lick it off... and it will be entertaining to watch....

HermanTurnip said...

When the weather turns wonky the finger where I was stitched up after the "floor buffer mishap" begins to ache quite a bit. So when people start complaining about the corns on their feet my ears tend to perk up a bit. Such signs are sure portents of strange weather afoot...

That Janie Girl said...

If he can tell when it's gonna rain AND it's gonna be soon, send Willy down here pleeeeeeeaaaaaze

hoodyhoo said...

He sounds just like Chuckweasel on his gas prices rants -- "Dear God, Hoody, do you see that? Gas here is only $3.89!" "Yeah, Gramps, I see it."

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Willie is probably related to our local weather forecasters from the sound of it...

Shelly said...

Love your blog! Still smiling even now-

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

My "Willie" has similar sleep inducing skillz, but they involve the Ohio State Buckeyes.
"Tell me again about this year's recruits, dear. I have an early meeting tomorrow."

thoughtsappear said...

I hope your finger is doing better!