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Wednesday, May 25, 2011

You Certainly See A Lot More of People in The Summer, Don't You?

Welcome to summer, season of fleshly exposures and frightened, abused clothing.

Lady, what did those clothes ever do to you that you would be so cruel to them? That shirt – surely you caught it selling top-secret documents to the North Koreans, yes?

I think I see what you’re up to. The plan? To wear that shirt, despite its being several sizes too small, despite its pleading, overstressed seams, until it confesses. Good for you. Now is not the time to be lax with our national secrets. Now is not the time to mollycoddle our treasonous clothing. Obviously you have impressive proof against that shirt; and the way things are looking? Let’s just say that I wouldn’t want to be there when the poor thing finally explodes in a burst of exhausted threads.

Good for you for taking a hard line on whatever you believe that shirt did.

And the pants? Let us not speak of the pants. The "pants" - and if ever there was a piece of distressed, undersized pair of trousers requiring quotation marks, these is them - are an assault on the eyes. I fully support you in your home-grown efforts to disgrace them. You’re doing a good job, and I’ve nothing to add here.

But the sandals. Tell me about the sandals. They are too small for you; and they’ve always been too small, yes? Even from here, I can see your painted toes curling over the front of them, your cracked heels extending beyond the length of the sandal.

Come on. Tell me. Call it a hunch, but those are not your sandals, are they?

So while I suspect the shirt of a subversive-style shrinking, no doubt in a bid to escape being worn again, and it is obvious that the pants were never trustworthy, the sandals mystify me. Perhaps you borrowed them. Perhaps a friend has pressed them upon you, urging you to wear them, either as a punishment for the shoe itself or in an attempt to humiliate you.

Where did those sandals come from, and who are they working for?

Those sandals, in conjunction with the rest of your outfit – the tourniquet masquerading as your pants, the shirt that insists on rolling up to expose your fluffy, fluffy love handles – are clearly working for the opposition.

Those clothes – and their original owners – must be removed from the public and put away, perhaps forced into a corner so as to think about what they've done...

Kudos on your continuing efforts to bring wayward, rebellious clothing and their treasonous ways to the forefront.

I shall miss these moments with you once winter comes.




As an aside, Blogger has been messing with my head by not allowing me to comment on my own blog. I've discovered a work-around for the time being, but please know that I've not commented (on your comments) due to technical errors and not to inattention on my part!

44 comments:

jabblog said...

We have aberrant clothing in UK too! At the first hint of sun, covering apparel is cast aside, along with modesty, taste and sense. Frightening the horses doesn't come into it . . .

Cheryl K said...

Mollycoddle - YAY!!

Pearl said...

jabblog, "modesty"? I remember reading that word somewhere. The U.S. has all but gotten rid of modesty. :-)

Cheryl, glad ya liked that! :-)

Pearl

laughingmom said...

The clothing may be working for the underground enemy - OR it may be that those frozen northerners have yet to shed the layer of blubber used to keep warm during the frigid winter months!

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious.

Pearl said...

laughingmom, it's not the blubber I object to, having housed a bit of it myself, here and there (mostly "there") -- it's the insistence that if you can get it ON that it fits...

OT, thanks! :-)

savannah said...

there is a branch of this secret service down here in georgia, sugar! *sigh* i avert my eyes under the guise of plausible deniability. xoxoxo

Simply Suthern said...

Glad to know other folks are having commenting issues. Well I spose I aint glad. No Really, I didnt wish this upon you. I promise.

I've had to cover one eye recently to keep from going blind from some of the latest styles.

powdergirl said...

Yes, be what ever size you are, and then go out there and buy clothes in THAT size. Exactly. : )

ladyfi said...

Hilariously written and so true! There are lots of those clothes out in the sunshine over here too!

Pearl said...

savannah, it's good to know that we've spread this responsibility across the country!

Simply, the inability to comment actually induced some anxiety in me yesterday, which I promptly shot down with heated yoga. Still, why do they hate us so? As for the fashions, I just wish we (collectively) took a little more pride in our appearance. Fit, size, leaving hooker clothing for those special "hooker" nights, is that too much to ask?

powdergirl, then you and I are in wild agreement. Just buy and then wear your size! Just because you can pull it over your chest doesn't mean it fits!

ladyfi, so it's as I suspected... Worldwide. *shudder*

SherilinR said...

this is hilarious! why do women wear little flip flops? if any piece of your foot hangs over the sole, then no matter that you can keep it on while walking, you shouldn't! and i'm a firm believer that unless you're built like a swimsuit model, there should be some airflow in your clothing. it doesn't need to look like body paint.

Glen said...

I love Summer most - for exactly those reasons.

London is a wonderful place to be in Summer

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You can imagine I see similar things in the land of beer, brats and cheese. I look at people and wonder if they own a mirror. I mean, weigh what you do, but wear clothes that fit and FLATTER. Not clothes with seams begging for mercy!

who said...

How'd you know my knick-name was chip?

jenny_o said...

Being the great "lert" that you are, thank you for a-lerting us northerly neighbours that these hijinks will soon be coming. As it is, it's still hard to tell what people are wearing due to the vast sweaters and jackets we must wrap ourselves in to keep hypothermia at bay. People, feel sorry for us!

Or maybe envy us that we don't have to look at the straining seams of summer yet.

Doubting Thomas said...

Hoo boy - seems there have been more 'interrogations' in South Texas lately than in Gitmo. What's up with that? The joy of living in a hot climate 11 months of the year, I s'pose.

And I STILL have an issue with the folks wearing the pants that say "JUICY" across the rear end, usually on someone with no business doing so. I don't know how to interpret that... and I don't want to... yeesh.

-DT

Bossy Betty said...

So, I guess my plan to wear my thong bikini to your next BBQ is out now?

The Six-Fingered Monkey said...

Thank you for reminding me why I absolutely love summer! Seriously...

Sausage Fingers said...

You mean to tell me that Summer has officially come to Canada and Minnesota!!! just in time for the fall
enjoy...

Pearl said...

SherilinR, I concur. There was a woman on the bus (I took notes) the other day with a number of pretty sizeable skin tags. These things happen, and if you're poor, as she certainly appeared to be, you live with them. What you don't have to live with, however, is wearing your shirt so incredibly tight that the skin tags under the shirt appeared to be dryer lint or something. Get out, enjoy the weather, but why not wear things that fit?

Glen, I can only imagine. :-)

who, ok, ya got me. :-) Chip?

jenny_o, be ye forewarned! The layers are about to come off...

Doubting Thomas, it's like a medical examination on some of these little chickies...

Bossy Betty, I can promise you free beer and lots of new friends if you do!

Pearl said...

Six-Fingered, some of it is a blessing, and some a curse...

SF, hey, I've been trying to comment on your page for two days now. Blogger hates me. Probably because I won't lend it money anymore... Yes, summer is just about here. The Farmers' Almanac predicted a harsh winter, a very wet spring, and a drought late summer. So far, we're right on the money...

jLow said...

"tourniquet masquerading as your pants" . . . . classic!

Tom G. said...

Ah summer... the season of sunshine, humidity and fleshy human Rhinoceroses. The bus becomes a whole new olfactory experience!

Douglas said...

Clothes are highly overrated. More people should wear less of them. Well, fetching women should anyway.

Anonymous said...

jLow, :-)

Tom, I know you live in Mpls -- can ya hardly wait for August?!

Douglas, that's the problem, though. The definition of "fetching" has become "sketchy".

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

Ah, summer..It's really the most wonderful time of the year, from a fashion perspective!

We've had an outbreak of sandals at my office. Hammer toe, overgrown toenails, and the lovely cracked heals you so beautifully describe, all now on open display!

Kind of makes me yearn for boots and big sweaters.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

LOVE THIS. You have so many golden phrases in here: "assault on the eyes," "fluffy, fluffy love handles," etc. I gather the weather crept above 40 over there?

PS Pearl, I was having the same frustrating probs with commenting. Is your browser Internet Explorer? Mine was til I switched to firefox (a quick, easy download) and the problems immediately disappeared.

xoRobyn

Daisy said...

I saw Lady Gaga on the tv for the first time a few days ago. SHE IS IN HER UNDIES!!! Nekid as a jaybird, almost! :-D Hehehehehehe!

Gigi said...

I concur with you and all the others! With this little caveat - some clothes should not reproduced in certain sizes period. Otherwise, wear clothes that fit! And really? Do they not have a dear friend who might subtly let them know they are "looking their best" in that particular outfit?

"fluffy, fluffy love handles" - that one is going to stay with me for DAYS!

Pat said...

I had the same problem on my blog. Bleedin' sauce!
If only we would realise that we look much slimmer in a larger size than clinging doggedly to the size we outgrew way back when.

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Anonymous said...

Now, that was brilliant! Love it!


Blogger has been giving me trouble today, too. It keeps saying I'm anonymous, when I know perfectly well that I'm Eva from Wrestling with Retirement!

Alittlesprite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Alittlesprite said...

Summer, Winter..It dosent matter what season it is here. There are tragic people walking around everywhere.

Alittlesprite said...

@Eva I had the same problem. Check that when you sign in you havent accidentily clicked the "Keep me signed in" button. I unchecked it and it fixed my problem.

Antares Cryptos said...

I have no probs as long as I comment through dashboard. Blogtard!

Considering that countries that are hotter than hell still wear loose fitting clothes, not the countries, the people,...when did shorts become briefs?

Ron said...

I LOVE your post title and ADORE your post!

BRAVA, Pearl! You said everything I feel about this time of the year and exposure. This is one of the reasons why I don't like summer. I much prefer fall and winter, with COVERED flesh - HA!

"Even from here, I can see your painted toes curling over the front of them, your cracked heels extending beyond the length of the sandal."

THANK. YOU.!

Fragrant Liar said...

Sometimes a little bit too much visual, cuz that just stays with you. I saw a viral email today about Walmartians, and the clothes ten sizes too small (or lack of clothes) was enough to keep me out of Walmart for the next century.

River said...

You won't see me in too tight clothes! Not ever!! I wear them baggy, just a bit, so people I haven't seen for a while can say "you've lost weight! you look fantastic!", even when I have actually gained a pound or two....it's a boost for the ego.

Sara Louise said...

Not the dry, cracked heel hanging over the back of the sandal... NOOOOO!!!!

Berowne said...

Face it, Pearl. You can write.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I think I know this lady, or one related to her. My lady has the boob gap shirt. Boobage practically Saran wrapped in place and buttons straining under the pressure of containing such monsters. Disaster is only a sneeze away, Pearl. Only a sneeze. She terrifies me.

Susan in the Boonies said...

The People of Walmart Salute you.