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Sunday, May 29, 2011

You Can Hold A Raffle to Pay for My Defense

If you’ve heard that I’ve smothered my husband in his sleep, do not rush to my defense.

There’s a chance it may be true.

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to have to kill him. But he left me no choice. And look on the bright side! Think of all the time prison will give me to write!

But I’m getting ahead of myself, aren’t I?

Why, I hear you ask, would a normally reasonable woman hold a pillow over her husband’s head until he ceased to struggle?

One word: Snoring.

I’ve been told that I, too, snore; and if you know me, you know that this is a damnable lie, perhaps perpetrated by mine enemies, people who will also tell you that I need help with crossword puzzles (not true) and sing karaoke when intoxicated (quite possibly true).

But snoring? Me?

Hey. This isn’t about me. This is about William Throckmorton the III, the man bent on destroying me through sleep deprivation.

Of course I have my coping mechanisms…

For example, my initial response to the snoring is a quick nudge or a vigorous shaking of the bed. I file this under the category of him possibly thinking, whilst asleep, that there might be an earthquake or a tornado happening, thus causing him to alter his breathing patterns.

This never works, but it’s always in my first round of defense.

Next comes the verbal jab. “Willie! Stop snoring! Roll onto your belly! Willie!!”

This usually works for a minute or two, as Willie’s unconscious mind registers a number of things: 1, that’s my name; 2, sounds like my wife, and 3, grblx zinkt offun garbin.

I don’t know what that last bit is, but it’s what he mutters just before he falls back asleep.

And resumes a vigorous snoring.

It is at this point that I become inventive.

“Willie! Did you see that letter from the IRS?”


“The letter from the IRS. Did you see it? The child support!”

Willie has no children, but he has stopped snoring. The room takes on an expectant air; and while still asleep, his breathing has taken on an even-keeled and thoughtful quality rarely found in his waking moments.

“I sent them an e-mail. Luckily, since we won the lottery this afternoon we’re going to just write them a check, okay?”

“Sphurbim. Bracken farva lottery shopping spree.”

“And remodel the bathroom, right?”

Willie loves this part. Our bathroom appears to have been originally modeled on the 70s sitcom “Good Times”, or perhaps “Maude”. Suffice it to say that the color once referred to as “Harvest Gold” figures prominently.

“Mmmm,” he says. “New tile.”

And that will take care of the snoring, usually for the rest of the night.

Good ol’ Willie. Long may he live.


Silliyak said...

I have mysterious bruising on the arm closest to my bedmate. She denies all of course.

Pearl said...

Silliyak, I'm sure it has nothing to do with your snoring. :-)

Sioux said...

My snoring is so loud (and varied, an annoying, and nonstop) that my husband made me go through a sleep study. They found out I have sleep apnea. Now it's just me and some hos(e) in bed, and the snoring has stopped.

Try to think of a way to kill him which leaves no proof. I've watched enough of Law and Order and NCIS to know that they can tell when you smother someone.

How about running him down with a Prius? They're silent, yet can be deadly...

jabblog said...

H'mm, I'd like to believe you don't snore, Pearl, but really - haven't you ever woken yourself up? No? Just me, then . . .

Happy Frog and I said...

I hate snoring so much. I think that's why I have so much trouble sleeping now as I get woken up so much. Loved your take on it though, made me laugh!

Dave King said...

Think of snoring as boring. It usually works.

Belle said...

I snore like a trooper, but quit when my hubby pushes me over. Your husband should wear those nose strips, I've heard they work. I wish I would haven invented them as the guy is now a millionaire.

Douglas said...

I also do not snore. Faye (who does) accuses me though. I believe all snorers do this to avoid the condemnation they deserve. I do not mind a bit of mild, rhythmic, snoring. No, it can even be peaceful and sleep inducing. But my lovely lady rattles windows and knocks books off shelves. And it is anything but rhythmic. And there is no position she can roll into that will make it cease. I cannot even go out to the living room to escape because she rattles the house as well.

True love tolerates these problems. But that pillow thing... very tempting. Very tempting indeed.

white rabbit said...

A colleague of mine defended a young woman a few years ago on a charge of attempted murder. It was said that she stabbed her husband as he lay asleep in his bed.Presumably this was about something more setrious than snoring.

Her defence? He stabbed himself in his sleep.

Copuld she find a medical expert anywhere who would say this was possible? Nope

Result: Not Guilty

Susan in the Boonies said...

You are shameless.

And practical.

I like that in a girl. :-D

Whatever it takes.

Drake Sigar said...

If I ever snore, I give my partner leave to kill me there and then. It is a horrifying habit which seems to go on for twice as long as breathing in, which doesn’t even make sense.

jenny_o said...

Kicking works sometimes. As does spraying some water into the air above the snorer's face so that it falls onto said face. Uh, only if snorer is on his/her back.

But these only work if the person doing them honestly does not snore him/herself. Trust me.

Love the 1%awake-Speak.

aBroad said...

I have learned to slide on hand under the next door neighbor in beds ribs and give a push, he rolls right over... so well trained !!

Linda O'Connell said...

Pinch his nostrils closed; he'll come up for air, but back up, he may be swingin'. Otherwise head for the couch.

Jhon Baker said...

I am going to try this tonight.

Anonymous said...

Oh girl, I empathise with your plight sooooooo much! Thing is, my hubby sleeps in London (away from me) one week out of every two - and um, I LOVE it. I've got very territorial over my - oops - our bed. He snores like a trooper, and has the termerity to accuse ME of doing the same - huh, as if!!!

Call me next time, I'll bring the pillow - bit like "Strangers on the Train", I'll do yours, if you do mine?

Oh poo. Blogger is playing silly buggers with me, and is refusing to post this, least not in my name (Shrinky) - think someone is watching us??

Macy said...

Deepest deepest sympathies! Of all the possible forms of nocturnal spousal abuse (cold feet, hogging of duvet, nocturnal wanderings) snoring is the worst!

Audubon Ron said...

…b/c of this very thing, the Little Woman and I have separate suites – at opposite ends of the house. She snores, or do I snore, well, one of us snores. Most definitely, she does the tuna.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Such a sweet, generous snorer, that Willie. Go for the kitchen remodel tonight!

powdergirl said...

*Perpetrated by thine enemies* Indeed Pearl!

Women do not snore, pass wind, nor belch indelicately. Thats why we have to bitch about stuff, so we don't blow up.

But a bathroom remodel sounds fantastic!

Gigi said...

A girl after my own heart, you are. I have harbored these very same thoughts a time or two about Hubby....in the end though I decided to just go to bed before he does because once I'm asleep nothing will wake me, not even the gawd-awful sounds that erupt from his mouth.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got to go pick out some tile for the bathroom - I was thinking of bringing Harvest Gold back!

Bouncin' Barb said...

If it's that bad, chances are it's sleep apnea. It won't stop by itself! I lived with it for 23 yrs. with my hubby.

Pat said...

When all else fails I decamp to another room.

Cloudia said...

Didn't want to say, but sometimes I'm pretty sure I can hear you out here....

Aloha from Honolulu

Comfort Spiral




That Janie Girl said...

You know you love that snore, girl!

Eva Gallant said...

Mr. Eva used to snore like a chain saw, then he took a sleep test, found out he has sleep apnea. He now wears a mask with an air hose which applies "constant positive air pressure" (a CPAP machine) and sleeps without making a sound. (The first few nights I panicked! Thought he was dead! That's how quiet he now is.)

Anna Lefler said...

I long ago decided that my husband's absolute best quality - forget loyalty and the ability to hold a job - is that he does not snore.

And if he ever starts: CURTAINS.

Maybe we can be cell mates. That would be cool.

:-) A.

River said...

Stab him with an icicle. It will just melt and dry up. No fingerprints, no evidence, no proof.

I never used to snore, but just lately, when lying on my back, I've noticed my breathing is funny, not exactly a snore since a snore is in the nose, but a rattling roof of the mouth type sound which nudges me awake, just as I'm dropping off to sleep. It seems to be a winter thing as I noticed it last year too. It's very annoying.

Sara said...

I agree with the suggestion of Breathe Right strips. Those can help tremendously. If you outfit him with those and figure out a way for you to precede him in sleep, that might work.

Crystal Pistol said...

"Bracken farva lottery shopping spree."

Famous last words of many a man snuffed out in the prime of his life via goosedown.

Thank goodness you (deftly) led him to "mmmm new tile."

It may have saved his life.

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

My "Willie" snores too. Ah - the things we put up with for Willies.
"And then there's Maude!
Right on, Maude!"

pat tillett said...

My wife could have written this! What I don't understand is why we both have to be awake! If she's already awake, why does she have to elbow me? I STG, she snores like a drunken sailor, but totally denies it...

Brigid Daull Brockway said...

I usually resort to tickling, then trying to trick him into thinking he dreamed it. He's usually not fooled, but about half the time he forgets by morning anyway.

hoodyhoo said...

"Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t want to have to kill him." Add the words, "Your Honor" to that sentence and you have the world's best defense!

R. Jacob said...

Now if you smothered him while you were sleeping I think that would make a better story!

Cake Betch said...

I once lived with a chronic snorer. He was so bad, it sounded like an avalanche. The worst part was that he'd slowly take shallower and shallower breaths until he stopped breathing, then after a few seconds of that he'd gasp himself back into air. While still sleeping. All night. I wanted to bash his brains in. Living with someone that snores is TORTURE.

mybabyjohn said...

One good sharp kick, toenails extended, into whatever is closest and repeated as necessary.
thanks for dropping in on thefeatherednest...I'm following...how could I not?