I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Why Isn't Anyone Doing Anything About my Housework?

Oh, my. Have you seen my house lately? No, you have not. And it’s not a matter of you living out of state – which certainly precludes the casual drop-in – but a matter of me letting you in once I see you at my front door.

You see, there's something wrong with my floors.

But where are my manners? You just stay out there on the porch -- let me grab a sweater -- and I'll try to explain this without looking like a lazy jackass.

You see, it’s Spring. It’s well and truly Spring, and I need a full day of cleaning. With the windows open. While wearing a SARS-style mask, gargling with bleach and waving a copy of the King James Bible over my head…

It’s been a good seven months since my windows were open, the dust and what-not driven from my home. There could be anything in the corners. I need to be prepared for any eventuality.

Don’t get me wrong. The house isn’t a complete embarrassment, but the floors are wrong. And I suspect the heating ducts of housing any number of things that are waiting for a chance to settle into my lungs, get their hands on my cash card and take the car for a spin.

You know what I’d like to do? I’d like to move all the furniture out, have the hardwood floors re-done (it’s been almost 12 years), and have the carpets cleaned.

What I’ll probably do? Open all the windows and spend a day moving things from the edges and crawling around on my hands and knees dragging a bucket and a rag.

And to think that I couldn’t wait to grow up.

33 comments:

Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Pearl:
We cannot believe this. Don't you have staff? If you are able to lay hands on 'The Lady', a rather terrible weekly published in the UK, then you will see that they have several columns from which domestic staff can be found.

And now, or so we understand, they are quite willing to go to the USA where, apparently, you are more flexible over uniform and, so it is said, pay more!

Daisy said...

I know the situation well Pearl! I keep sayin' "I'm gonna clean the house today", but always seem to find something more interesting to do. I'm better at cleaning my garden than I am at cleaning my living room. Love rainy days when no one can see how dirty my windows are - it's raining this week-end so might as well not worry about the windows now.
Barbara, humble servant of the Princess Daisy of Alberni

vanilla said...

Yes, adulthood does have its price, nicht wahr?

Eva Gallant said...

I know the feeling. But when you finish with your floors, would you like to come do mine?

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

Adulthood? Blech. I'm never gonna grow up. I'm a Toys "R" Us kid! ;)

mrwriteon said...

I like your alternative to getting the floors redone. I mean, at the end of it all, what difference does it make? I find a good vacuuming and a periodic dusting every couple of weeks takes care of most things except the puppy prints on the carpet.

Lazarus said...

Pearl, it's almost Mother's Day, have Son do it, you deserve a break!

Belle said...

I've got to wash my windows too. What a pain. Then I have to go to my mother's and wash her windows. I draw the line at my daughter's windows. She is only 38 - she can do her own. (but she won't)

KSK said...

Yuck. I did the bucket and rag crawl last week... It's not even worth it, they're dirty again...
I'm thinking about boycotting cleaning altogether.. AND growing up for that matter :)

Karen said...

When you're done I could use a lot of help here.

Jinksy said...

Console yourself with the thought that if you lived in a mud hut, the floor inside would be the same as the floor outside... Must prove something? LOL

Tracy said...

Yeah, seriously, all the wonderful inventions in this world and we are still doing housework? What's up with that?

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Come warm up those cleaning muscles on my place. Piece of cake. And pretty immaculate most of the time. I'll make the drinks. Gin & tonic, ice and lime, dear? Indigo

Oilfield Trash said...

I feel the same way every Saturday morning.

Happy Frog and I said...

I dislike housework with a passion but I dislike the thought of having to disrupt everything in order to get things sorted out properly. I can completely relate to this post :-)

hocam said...

I let my husband do it while I play with my laptop!

Jerry said...

And we had our carpets cleaned a couple of weeks ago. Who came up with the idea of Spring cleaning anyway?

Fragrant Liar said...

Methinks the kitties need to start earning their keep! Meow!

Simply Suthern said...

You should call Mary and turn it into an adventure.

Sioux said...

Keep the lights dim at all times. NEVER open the drapes--the sunlight really highlights the dust and grime. And put gauzy scarves over the lampshades. They diffuse the light, and if the scarf catches on fire and your place burns down...no more housecleaning necessary THERE!

Gigi said...

Ugh! Housework! The bane of people everywhere! Today I forced myself to do some laundry, clean a bathroom or two, and water plants. The rest of it will have to wait....

jenny_o said...

I feel your pain! Also my own pain, mostly in my creaky knees. Good luck with the mucking out.

Cloudia said...

you can make ANYTHING interesting, Pearl




Saturday evening Aloha from Waikiki


Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>


><}}(°>

<°)}}><

W.C.Camp said...

I thought that was what kids were for? You mean that dust doesn't go somewhere on its own? W.C.C.

Tempo said...

Our somewhat more reasonable climate?? means we can have our houses open much of the year, so we battle dust and critters than come in while were not looking. How much dust? this apparently surprises people from the rest of the world but if you dont dust something you can have close to 1/4 inch of dust on something left for a year.
(youve seen pics of our dust storms..right?)

Vicus Scurra said...

Make me a nice cup of tea when you've finished, please.

River said...

My floors are all wrong too. They have the original crappy carpet that was laid when the unit block was built. Quite possibly with some of the original dirt still embedded too.

Douglas said...

Learn to love dust. My mother taught me that. As I was growing up, my mother taught me some things:

Dust returns. When you dust, it does not leave, it just floats about in the air and then settles down on whatever is beneath it.

Never leave a flat surface empty. This includes, but is not limited to, coffee and end tables, chair seats, counter tops, the top of the refrigerator, and the floor.

Making the bed is a waste of time. No one from Better Homes and Gardens is likely to drop in to do a photo-spread of the house and, therefore, there's no reason to disrupt the chaos.

And, finally, have some fun with it. Name the dust bunnies.

jabblog said...

Do what I do - tell anyone who comes in to take their shoes off AS THEY LEAVE since it's cleaner and tidier outside. It's a home not a show house (actually, our house is more of a hovel . . . )

Susan in the Boonies said...

Somehow, I was picturing you walking around the house with a stick with a nail on the end.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

But think of how good you'll feel when it's done--as you lounge around in bare feet with a cold beer...

On My Soapbox said...

You forgot wine.

Little Miss Sarcastic said...

I know the feeling Pearl. At this very moment a stack of dishes and one of laundry are lurking in the corner. I'm trying to beat it in a starring contest. If I win, they disappear. If they win, I'll do the housework.