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Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Wherein I Lose Your Respect, or Sheesh! You Don’t Do the Wash for a Week and Look What Happens…

I have a locker at work.

A part of the Scandinavian-inspired, blond-wood, contemporary cubicle of corporate contentment that is my corner of the 48th floor, said locker is large enough to hold my yoga bag.

And now that Mother Nature has stopped trying to kill me, ie., winter is over, and there’s no need to don the layers of clothing normally stowed in this locker, it is not impossible for my yoga bag to be thrown in on a Friday morning and forgotten in my joyous sprint to the elevator later in the day…

It is a Monday morning, 6:45.

I open my locker to put my white jean jacket – the one with the cute little black and white cloth flower pinned to it? – on the hook when a thought comes, unbidden, to my mind.

Brie. No, not Brie; Camembert? No, wait. Cool Ranch Doritos. That's it.

Wait. What?

This disturbing cheese-based thought is followed by a thought equally as disturbing: high school gym class.

I shut the locker door and take a step back, blinking solemnly. I am 15 again, and my mother is musing, in that perplexed yet slightly medicated demeanor she adopted for the bulk of my adolescence, on whether or not my gym socks should be washed weekly, as she believed or, as I apparently believed at the time, on a quarterly basis...

I re-open the door.

There in my locker, the yoga mat has ripened over the weekend. Rolled up and abandoned, it’s missed its end-of-the-week wash.

Hence the vaguely cheese-ish smell.

I shoot a quick spritz of a perfume sample at it, the one I keep in my purse for just such stink-related contingencies, and shut the door.

It worked in high school, it’ll work now.

And who hasn't done some washing up in the sink in the women’s bathroom over the lunch hour?

46 comments:

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Mmmm...nothing like a little cheese and rot to start a Monday!

Doubting Thomas said...

No respect lost here... we've all abandoned some sweaty laundry somewhere, sometime :)

Now drop and give me 20! ;) (Don't ask me 20 what... dollars? Compliments?)

-DT

Flea said...

Ew! Ew! Ew! Gross! Soak in vinegar and water when you get home. The mat, not you.

Simply Suthern said...

Nothing like a little sweat funk to get you noticed.

And you were complaining about the mens sweat swamps.

Pearl said...

HA! I knew that was going to get me in trouble. :-) Yes, I mentioned the man-funk earlier, didn't I? :-)

jabblog said...

Yes, washing should do it - three or four times, maybe . . .

Glen said...

Well I haven't! love it when something simple sparks a deep memory - class in a glass

The Jules said...

It's not the washing up in the women's bathroom that gets me into trouble so much as the strip wash.

In the women's bathroom.

KleinsteMotte said...

Ha ha ha ! Does it really work? No not if you're cursed with a super keen sense of smell like me and curse it is!! Well the mat will be washed soon now that you have discovered what happens when bacteria grow in dark moist places.

Pat said...

That's the trouble with lockers - they are so unforgiving.

laughingmom said...

EWWW! Thanks for the smell-o-blogging. I am having a nasal flashback to the days of gym lockers and a class full of girls using spray-on deodorant. It's a miracle we all don't have lung disease from inhaling in there.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Wait, women don't stink. Their sweat does not smell. Keep that thought. We are fragile blossoms.
That's my story. The perfume just keeps the dream alive.

Wow, that was awkward said...

You should do an Ace Ventura and make a big scene about it, warning people to not go near your locker.

savannah said...

forget the mat, sugar, what the hell happened to your jacket? did it reek, too, at the end of the day? xoxoxxo

Douglas said...

It is not a problem, grasshopper (may I call you "grasshopper"?), if there is a cheese-ish odor. It is when the yoga bag stands up and slaps you that you should panic.

Crystal Pistol said...

Oh Pearl, my friend, now you smell exactly like cheese and sample perfume. A terrible combination to be sure.

I hope my children don't lool back at their mother and describe her as slightly medicated for the majority of the their childhood. I do my best to walk without stumbling.

Is is weird I am now craving Cool Ranch Doritos? Yes. Yes it is.

Pearl said...

:-) Honestly, I'm not much of a stinker, but a quick run to Target for a little Lysol and we live to yogafy another day.

And the jacket? :-) I moved the jacket to the next available locker and all is right with the world.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Damn right! Who hasn't done that? And who hasn't washed out their underwear with hand soap when certain natural events happen a day earlier than expected in the middle of a day? Hmmmm?

Shit. Just me then.

Georgina Dollface said...

I recently bought a pair of scissors that bragged it had an odour and bacteria neutralizing treatment on the plastic grips (because yeah, apparently people worry about their office scissors getting funky? Seriously?) Anyhoo, if they can treat scissor handles with anti-microbial, odour-busting coatings, why can't they do the same for yoga matts? - G

MJenks said...

I work in a chemistry lab, which has its shares of little accidents, right? Well, some people are terrified that they are tracking something home on their shoes, and will WASH THEIR SHOES AND FEET IN THE SINK before going home. In their wake, it looks like Missouri after the levee broke.

I think a little perfume spritz and a sink bath are nothing to worry about.

Steadfast Ahoy! said...

Pearl! So nice to meet you. Thank you for visiting Steadfast, I hope you come again. I love your posts. I've been reading for a half hour, loving it all. I will definitely return. Yoga isn;t my thing, but exercizing with a mixed group can sure be challenging on so many levels. Puddles of sweat is just one :)
Rosemary

Tom G. said...

I had to stop washing my gym clothes in the ladies bathroom sink after my co-workers complained to HR.

People are so uptight here.

David L Macaulay said...

is this like the definition of the Scandanavian dream? A light wood locker big enough to hold a yoga bag?

lisleman said...

They didn't like me going into the womens washroom even if it was just to wash.
You still have perfume from High School? What did you buy it by the barrel?
So back in the cube world once a friend had moved on to my floor and we were checking out his new digs which of course were still warm from the last guy working in this sweat shop. We start noticing a few left over things. Then we opened a drawer. Holy shit - well it wasn't holy but it was the other. Ok we didn't do any analysis on it but the brownish color smeared on the whitey tighties didn't take Colombo to figure out. Gross!

R. Jacob said...

I had that same idea of using the sink in the ladies room and was promptly escorted off the premises.

Gigi said...

Despite what you think it couldn't have been as bad as sweaty, nasty practice football gear that has been sitting in the locker for weeks and weeks (and worn over and over again) topped off with Axe or whatever nasty scent that is that the boys are wearing these days.

The only time that stuff ever comes home is when the coach can't walk into the locker room without passing out. *gag*

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

I was never very religious about washing my yoga mat up until a friend told me it can give you warts. SHUDDER! Now it gets a weekly bath.

Belle said...

Excellent idea to have perfume with you at all times. You never know when you have to take your shoes off and get checked for a bomb.

Happy Frog and I said...

Cheese good, yoga bad. I knew it!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Cheese? Dammit, now I'm all hungry. A pox on you, woman. Indigo

Auto Title Loans said...

In college, I used to work at a gym and let's just say that I think I'm immune to that smell. I can't believe it was your mat, though! I thought those things were designed to not absorb sweat anymore. I'm guilty of bathroom washing at work, but how did you explain the yoga mat? Little mid-office day meditation and cleansing? Too funny.

Ava

Julie Harward said...

Hi there, thanks for visiting my blog. You are a real writer I see, this was very cute! As were raising our 8 kids, my husband who has a dry sense of humor, would always tell the kids that, what the world needed was more Lerts! Come say hi any time :D

Julianna said...

You just reminded me to check the kids summer backpacks for any left over's from last year.

But I have to say, if I find anything, I'll be donning the HAZMAT suit and throwing it out.

Betsy said...

The spritz of perfume cracked me up, but I would have done the same thing! lol....

HermanTurnip said...

Ahhh, the memories of high school gym class, where on learns that an overabundance of deodorant can save you the embarrassment of having to shower with a bunch of strange guys...

Gary Baker said...

Happy to report I've never washed anything in the sink in the ladies bathroom.
Except that one time my unicorn got muddy.
Happy days.

River said...

"who hasn't done some washing in the sink...?"

Me. That's who. I'm hoping I'm not the only one that ALWAYS remembers to take stuff home and toss it in the hamper or washing machine.

Sarahf said...

Happens to the best of us! I am currently digging out all the abandoned gym socks in my closet. I don't know where they all come from...

the walking man said...

I have never washed up at lunch time in the women's washroom but I tried to take a shower naked in the rain once. The police were not amused.

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

Oh,I totally get this! I wore my Eskimo faux fur lined boots to work every day during the hell winter. When it was really spring, I left the boots under my desk, sprinting out in my regular shoes. Three days later, two people in my office, and I couldn't help wondering, if they can they smell the Eskimo-ness!

lgsquirrel said...

You tell it so well that I can smell it from here!

Eva Gallant said...

I hate when that happens!

Becca said...

Get some essential oil Yoga mat wipes, honey. Put them in your locker.
http://www.yogalifestyle.com/GEJSJoshaWipes.htm

On My Soapbox said...

I think you need to buy a travel-size Febreeze!

Joshua said...

I don't know that I've ever washed anything in the women's restroom anywhere. One of the great tragedies of my life, I suspect.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Virtually speaking, I have no knowledge, and therefore cannot comment on your yoga mat's odor issues.

But the thought of Cool Ranch Doritos + perfume does sort of make my olfactory shiver.