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Saturday, May 14, 2011

Welcome. Please Take Your Seats So We Can Get Started...

Holy Hannah what was up with Blogger yesterday?  It was downright traumatic.

Here.  Welcome to what I was going to say...

But where are my manners?  It’s Friday, after all, headwaters to the Mighty Weekend; and once again, my iPod stands ready to predict our future.

What?  You hadn’t heard?  My dear, how do you live?

It’s common knowledge, particularly in the space here between my ears, that my iPod, set on shuffle and played during Friday morning’s commute, has prophetic qualities.

I’m only mostly serious.

Mister Love by The Toadies
Amos Moses by Jerry Reed
Hurricane by Jamie Lidell
Collapse by Soul Coughing
You Cheated Me by Martha Wainwright
Tightrope by Janelle Monae*

And there you have it.  What it is, exactly, can probably be gotten rid of with a strong soap and a couple days of repentance…

And now…

Hello, and welcome to Acme Napkins and Grommets’ Quarterly State of the Business Meeting. 

We here at Acme Grommets and Napkins appreciate the dedication and loyalty you’ve shown lo these past three years.  The current economic downturn has been hard on all of us; and we value both your commitment to the firm and your willingness to embrace pay rates first considered “livable” during the Industrial Revolution.  I, personally, have been forced to not only cut the delivery of fresh flowers for the executive lavatories to once a week but to limit the champagne at the executive box seats at the opera to domestic only.

But we all make sacrifices, don’t we?

And frankly, that’s what today’s meeting is all about:  sacrifices.  Because if you’re like me – and I can see by the intense looks of unrestrained interest on your faces that you are – you will want to know how you fit in, how you can help keep this particular boat afloat as we navigate the rapids of rising costs and falling wages and how you can ensure that you and your loved ones keep a roof over your head and shoes on your feet.

It is at this point that I turn the microphone over to Dirk Hardly, VP of HR.  Dirk?

Thanks, Bob.  I’m here today to talk to our team members about the importance of staying positive and staying employed.  As many of you know, there are plenty of opportunities available outside of Acme Grommets and Napkins for those interested in such diverse categories as curbside drug distribution, the adult entertainment industry, and whatever they’re calling those guys that stand at intersections holding the “Going Out of Business, Everything 70% Off” signs we see so often these days.

The truth is that we’re just one big family here at Acme Napkins and Grommets.  Why, I started here at the same time as Pearl over there.  As a matter of fact, we sat next to each other in orientation.  And yet look at us!  We don’t speak, we’ve never had a meal together.  And that’s because we’re a family; and I am the one with the good job, the one with a child in a private school and six weeks of vacation while Pearl?  Pearl is the one you call when you need something typed quickly, isn’t that right, Pearl?  Ha ha.  That Pearl.  You can just tell by the look on her face what a sense of humor she has. 

So where does that leave us?  Frankly, I’m not sure.  And that’s because families often don’t know what will happen next, do they?  The world is a mystery.  And yet you love your family, you stick with them, no matter what.  Through the easy times and the hard times – but especially the hard times – we stick together, because how would we replace you?  Would we put an ad in Monster?  Or would we contract out to temps?

As I said, the world is a mystery.

And with that flippant and thinly veiled threat, we’ll close this meeting with HR’s motto:  Who Ya Gonna Complain To?

Thanks for attending, everyone.  Now let’s get out there and be profitable. 



* How much fun is this song?

21 comments:

Kay Dennison said...

LOL You always make me smile!!!!

jenny_o said...

Love it, especially "It’s common knowledge, particularly in the space here between my ears"...!

As a reader I found yesterday was indeed traumatic. I'm guessing it was even worse for you writers.

Drake Sigar said...

I'm still recovering from my catatonic state.

jabblog said...

I feel slightly heady today after yesterday's enforced cold turkey . . .
Your post would be funny if so much of it weren't true ;-)

Daisy said...

The most profound truths are often hidden in humour.

Yup, our sudden loss of blogspace was traumatic. Fortunately, my freezer died so I had lots of other stuff to occupy me! :-) (thank god for friends with empty freezers)

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

As a reader I found yesterday was indeed traumatic. I'm guessing it was even worse for you writers.

It's a slight problem when the ideas for that day's posts come pouring in and you've got nowhere to put them. Paper, sure, but that piece of paper doesn't have as many followers as the blog. ;)

Gigi said...

It was a dark, dark day the day Blogger died....so glad they brought themselves back from the brink so that we could all congregate over here.

KleinsteMotte said...

AH ha Did no one read the notice about maintenance?

Belle said...

When you were let go at my husband's company there was no warning. You were given a package and told to get out within 15 minutes. Like a bolt from the blue!
This was for the managers, my hubby is in the union, thank God. You have to really fuck up to get fired when you are in the union.

Susan in the Boonies said...

In the words of Donald Trump: "Dirk, you're fih-ahd".

"Good call, Mr. Trump. You made the only decision you could."

Eva Gallant said...

Once again, you crack me up!

Cheeseboy said...

Yep, you've still got it. Blogger can't take that away from you. Well, I guess they can, for a short time, but not forever. Well, maybe they could. Should we all just switch to wordpress?

Leenie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Leenie said...

Second try:

Only Blogger going into a cardio arrest and flatlining could stop Pearl from posting. Good thing there was a Blogger trauma unit. Even if they had to take more time bringing it back to life than than they did to revive that nurse in Grey's Anatomy.

Having it gone didn't save ME any time. I kept hurrying back to check on status. But, who ya gonna complain to? You love your family and you stick with them.

Great post btw, Pearl.

Mom of 12 said...

I agree with Leenie! I didn't know what to do with all my free time(ha-ha!) But feeding the baby wasn't nearly as much fun as usual...
Sandy
www.twelvemakesadozen.blogspot.com

Douglas said...

You have captured the essence of the corporate mindset. Sadly. But with humor. By the way, is Blogger a wholly owned subsidiary of Acme Grommets And Napkins?

Bushman said...

That sounds vaguely familiar...oh wait I hear that at every qurterly meeting. Corporate theft is what I call it.

the walking man said...

Actually the gig holding a cardboard sign that says "Not going to lie, I just need beer money" works pretty good.

Bossy Betty said...

I am still sitting here waiting to be released from this meeting.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

And, as corporations are now persons, they are slapping you in the face-just like family.

The Jules said...

Hey, I like Dirk! Sounds like a winner, and winners are my type of person! I often see them, off in the distance there, far ahead.

sigh . . .