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Friday, May 6, 2011

Some People’s Hobbies are more Interesting than Others…

Psst. You have a minute? Just a minute?

What if I were to tell you that I could – absolutely free! Although, hey! You want to buy me a beer, that’s entirely up to you (and much appreciated!) – by way of my morning commute’s playlist, predict your future?

Not the long-range future, of course, ‘cause that’s just crazy. No, no, no. The immediate future! Saturday! Sunday!

What the heck. Indulge me.

Weirdo by The Charlatans
Third World Man by Steely Dan
All Alone by Gorillaz
Love Train by Wolfmother *
Wanderlust King by Gogol Bordello
Camaro by Kings of Leon
Just Dropped In (to see what condition my condition was in) by Kenny Rogers and the First Edition

Hmm! Not looking too popular this weekend – not in the beginning, anyway. But get out! Put some real pants on – you know, the kind with a zipper – and hit the streets, my friend. Someone’s looking for you.

Also, there may be quite a hangover in there...

Hey. Ya play, ya pay.

I’ll be out there this weekend, because you know why?

Because it’s spring in Minnesota, the snow is gone, and I’ve got this thing about garbage.

I’m against it.

Not just any garbage, of course. Garbage cans, landfills, dumps – as ugly as these things are, they’re necessary. Ugly, smelly, and necessary.

But look over there, there in the park. What the?? You see that? Who in the world just leaves their garbage? Why wouldn’t you walk it the 50 feet to the garbage can and dispose of it, leaving the place as lovely as you found it?

Because they don’t have to and no one can make them so na na na na boo boo.

And that’s where I come in: Trash Gal. Seriously, I’m thinking of having a cape made. Or at least of wearing tights and those groovy boots.

That’s right. I gots me a stick with a nail at the end of it. I’m wandering, all free-form like, amongst the trees and napkins and empty bottles, picking up garbage and humming/laughing to myself.

You know you find things, in the park.

I found the world’s smelliest pillow and an empty full-sized bottle of mouthwash under a pine tree last spring. Isn’t that charming?

The biggest thing I ever found would have to have been the possible owner of said pillow and mouthwash bottle, a man taking advantage of all the park had to offer, face down. And when I say “face down”, I mean it literally, in all its sinus-crushing nuance. I called to him. I poked him with a stick. Nothing. I called the cops, and they sent an ambulance, and he was lifted on to a gurney and taken away, an oxygen mask over his dirty, grass-and-pebble-pocked face.

I wonder how he is?

At any rate, I’ll be out there again this weekend. It’s not hard to do, and the alcohol-poisoned are not even a yearly feature, which is both a relief and a disappointment in a you’ll-never-believe-who-I-ran-into-today kind of way.

And if you see a woman in a cape, flitting about the park, stabbing at garbage and laughing at her own jokes, say “hey”, would ya?

She’s sanitizing, for your protection.


* It was a tight race against "All Alone", but I'm diggin' this one today...

36 comments:

Leenie said...

Think I got more than I paid for! This Weirdo, after looking at her All Alone Condition is gonna jump on the Love Train with the Wanderlust King and do a road trip with him in his Camaro!. It's gonna be a great weekend! I'm leaving behind all the trash thawing out in the park both moving and not moving. Thanks, for the advice, Pearl.

Simply Suthern said...

Uh, well it's cause it's 50 ft thats why. (Rolls eyes) Jeepers woman!! (Pointing) You missed some over there.

Leenie said...

P.S. If there were more Pearls there would be SO much less trash. Thanks for that too.

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

You should definitely get a cape AND groovy boots. Cuz you're a hero.

George said...

I am constantly picking up trash on the golf course (a city park of another kind) I don't understand why people litter like this.

jabblog said...

You go, girl!

Glen said...

I've noticed a distinct lack of Tiffany on your music player. I foresee that there are too many people hassling you for your time and that you just wish that you could be 'alone now' with maybe just one person - or some peanut butter - whichever!

Louisiana Belle said...

Ah, Wolfmother--can't go wrong with that!

Doubting Thomas said...

Lovin' the randomness of the tunes!! If you haven't already, check out Steve Martin & the Steep Canyon Rangers. Banjo Brilliance! (And utter randomness). Favorite of the week from them - "Atheists Don't Have No Songs."

Thanks for cleaning up after our less tidy brethren, Pearl! 'Preciate Ya!

Sweet Cheeks said...

Trash Gal. I LOVE IT! I hope you wear those big yellow rubberized dishwashing gloves too...
=]

Oilfield Trash said...

Take some of that hand sanitizer with you.

Eva Gallant said...

I hope Minneapolis realizes what a true "pearl' they have in you!

laughingmom said...

Trash Gal! Love it! You'll need a Utility Belt, of course!

Deborah said...

You've got to get the outfit! Good work Trash Girl :o)

SeaD said...

Pearl, I remember "Just Dropped In (to see what condition my condition was in)", I remember Kenny Rogers and I remember the First Edition. I did NOT, however, remember that they were connected at one point. Thanks for the walk down memory lane, and in your very clean park.

hocam said...

Pearl, you are definitely a gem! Whatever about blog awards, you should accept a civic award for this!

KSK said...

...Is your trash picking up some sort of sentence?

:) Good for you! Nothing annoys me more than enjoying a beautiful day outside, and then seeing garbage... or a drunk guy passed out somewhere :)

IndigoWrath said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Do I have to say "hey" again? Okay. Hey. Indigo x

The Vegetable Assassin said...

There are actually lots of things I wouldn't mind poking with a sharp stick - politicians, the IRS, people who say "supposebly" - garbage isn't even on my list! But good for you miss P. If I ever see anyone just dropping garbage I tell them to "FUCKING PICK THAT UP, PIG!" because I'm charming.

Not So Simply Single said...

You are hilarious... thanks for the laugh!

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

hahaha! You so crazy. *says the woman who picks up trash, too.*
Wait. What?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

You trump me again, Pearl. I never found a PERSON while picking up trash! (Though I have picked up trash on occasion...my college years weren't anything to brag about)

Joshua said...

Someone find this park and take a picture of The Elusive Sanitizer please.

Thank you.

The Inside said...

"Put some real pants on" That alone was enough for me to tell you I love you! Real pants used to be a requirement in public. And regardless of the trend, I still refuse to go out in my pajamas. "Sweats", my a** - go home and get dressed, you lazy slob! But I digress... because now I'm visualizing you sanitizing the park (for my benifit, no less) and would it be too awful to suggest the metaphor "Pearls before swine"?
Thanks, Pearl for all you do!

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

pick the paper up and put in the sack...bump, bump :)

and hey?
are you plant random acts of flowers again this year?
i love when you do that.

Gigi said...

If the world were peopled with more Pearls it would definitely be a cleaner (better) world. Don't forgot to don the super chic gloves to go with the tights and boots!

Jhon Baker said...

cape is called for - to see that would be awesome and complete my life.

jenny_o said...

Pearl, you are an inspiration.

The Tame Lion said...

Absolutely wonderful!
It takes courage to play in a world which doesn't play. So, you're fantastic! :)

River said...

Make sure the cape has deep pockets fro all the "good" trash you might find.

Crystal Pistol said...

My mother used to make my siblings and I pick up trash in South Tucson on a Saturday. She got us bright yellow vests so cars would avoid killing us.

She hoped it would teach us to be better citizens.

Mostly it just got us beat up by the Big Meanie Kids who mocked us regarding our yellow vests.

Cleaning up our environment comes at a high price. I think you have demonstrated that point very well here.

Please post a pic of you in groovy boots and cape.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Seriously? (I refer to the man who was face-planted in the park) That's quite a find!!!

It's funny you refer to "San-i-tiz-ed for your pro-tec-tion". (Do you remember the Motel of the Mysteries? If not, it might be worth a google and a giggle.) Because a man at the end of your stick would be quite the archaeological find, and hard to pick up with the nail, as well. And then, there'd be all that trying to tote him around. So awkward.

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

I really can not stand people leaving their garbage around!! Especially in or near parks and playgrounds. I'm also traumatized by people who leave their dog crap in the middle of a street. I confess I've been caught without a bag a time or two, but then I force the pup to do her business as far away from human feet as possible. Leaving it in the middle of the trail for people to step on or roll strollers over and then stink up my...er, their...houses is unacceptable behavior.

Pat said...

Good girl!
Now mind you don't pick up anything you didn't orter. Be properly protected.
Gum boots, gloves, mask, industrial glasses and hair completely covered.

On My Soapbox said...

I think you need boots *and* a cape. You rock, Trash Gal!