I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, May 19, 2011

Shh. You Hear That? The Cat's On The Phone Again.

I may be wrong – there’s been precedence set, after all – but I think Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is up to no good.

She entered the room the other morning, sat nonchalantly on her fuzzy, striped butt, and made an elaborate show of licking her back leg.

I knew immediately that something was afoot.

As a preface, I have to say that I’ve always known cats to be dangerous. Look at them, all precious and playful. They are fuzzy little bundles of cuteness, and yet if they got any bigger you wouldn’t be able to keep them in the house. They don’t need us, not really; and there’s something shifty about their ability to sleep 22 out of every 24 hours.

I'm actually a little jealous.

Lately, though, there have been mysterious phone calls on her cell phone in the middle of the night. She takes these calls in the bathroom, closing the door behind her and running the water. She knows that drives me crazy! I can’t imagine who’s on the other end. Who could it be? She never lets me see the bills, but I overheard her the other day telling the tortoiseshell next door that she was expecting a “communiqué” from Kuala Lumpur and that things were “about to go down”.

Last Friday, I came across her notebook – entirely in French. When did she learn French?

And when does she find the time to write?

What can I do? She’s paid through the end of the month, and everyone knows the laws are geared more toward the tenant than they are the landlord.

Look. I know it’s making me paranoid. I acknowledge this. But just what is it that’s “about to go down”? What’s in the communiqué? How long has this been going on, anyway? Honestly, I’ve been nothing but good to that cat, but then again I am also the one who insisted on having her spayed. Could she be holding that against me?

Could Liza Bean Bitey's spaying have become an international event?

No. This is bigger than that. Frankly, I’m thinking of hiring a food taster. I don’t think that would be out of line, do you? Do you think that –

Wait. What was that? Did you hear that?

The cat’s on the phone again.

I tell you, it sends shivers down my spine.

51 comments:

Bossy Betty said...

Don't mess with it. You just do your job (producing food) and she'll do hers.

Pearl said...

Bossy, you're probably right. Still...

MJenks said...

More importantly, when did she grow thumbs, to help with that whole writing thing???

If you need that communique translated, I can do my best. What's the French word for "catnip"?

R. Jacob said...

She might be applying for the new IMF job. I heard there is now an opening.

Pearl said...

MJenks, I don't know how she does it! I mean, she may not have thumbs, but she manages to play the violin beautifully, so you tell me!

Suitcase said...

You're my favorite. And I'd love to hear the story of how you neutered a female cat. Do share!

Pearl said...

R. Jacob, good point. She HAS displayed an interesting in Accounting in the past...

Pearl said...

Suitcase, oh, dammit. I knew I'd get something wrong there. :-) Going to fix it now... :-)

Glen said...

Are you sure she isn’t dealing ‘nip along the estate?
I believe there was a truckload of Catnip hijacked near the docks yesterday – I saw it on the news.
Does she have access to a Gorilla mask at all?

Suitcase said...

And by "Fix" you mean the post, not the cat, right? I'd assume that's already been done. Have a wonderful day Pearl!!!

Silliyak said...

She may be the leader of the apocalypse this Saturday movement, really just a ruse for you and others to sign over everything to her.

Ponita in Real Life said...

She's probably got one of those flexible pens that she can wrap around her paw... then thumbs become irrelevant. The French? Well, there are online courses. She probably logs plenty of time on the computer while you are at work.

Have you though of putting spycams around the house? Just a thought...

Simply Suthern said...

22 out of 24, If ya notice 22 shifted is @@ so You can assume shes watching all the time.

Cats are the original Sleeper Cells so you know something big is coming.

Deborah said...

I laughed aloud from the moment I began reading. It is sooo funny, you are just brilliant, an absolute DELIGHT to read! :o)
(you should do a book of her exploits!)

Deborah said...

I've just noticed that you are going to write a book ... oh, please do it about her, I'll put an order in now! :o)

Oilfield Trash said...

Another great cat post.

Jenn of Many Cabbages said...

I have always been suspicious why my cat Alice goes running to the phone each time it rings, while the sound of a newly opened soda bottle sends her running in terror.

I suspect now she's been taking calls.

Possibly even communiques.

Dog help us.

Mandy_Fish said...

You're going to have to pay for that spaying with your own blood, lady.

powdergirl said...

I smell an International Jewel Heist in the making. She probably won't off you though, she needs you to purchase the "good shrimp" and cats are famous for never killing those who provide the good stuff.
I hope she gets the Hope Diamond this time, it'll look fabulous with her Juicy track suit.

Kara said...

Just be careful. Keep your eyes and ears open and be ready for anything. Let us know how it goes.

Doubting Thomas said...

Oh my. Beware of any new slavic-looking cats loitering around the back door. And make sure to latch the deadbolt. Can she unlock it? Mercy...

Daisy said...

I am TREMBLING!!! (:-o
I knew those felines were up to something. I'll bet it has to do with the end of the world on Saturday.

KleinsteMotte said...

Secret is the keyword. Cats love it. your post is so funny today. Thanks.

jenny_o said...

So many great lines! Please keep on :)

Yeah, cats - you're right they really don't need us. We are just a useful lesser species.

Douglas said...

Please pass this on to Michele (or "Liza Bean", as you know her).... "The dog is on the leash" again, that is "the dog is on the leash."

She'll understand.

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

Gotta watch your back with these cats these days! Sneaky little devils! Stay alert! =-) Ya knew know what could happen!

Barbara Blundell said...

Do you have U3A in Minneapolis and do you know if Liza is an undercover member ? If so she could hold the prestigious post of chief planner and organizer of Murder Mystery Weekends or perhaps she has joined the 'parlez cvous fraincaise ' group for conversatione
Keep an eye on her if she takes up filigree tatting her cover will be blown and you will know for sure
.

Flea said...

The rapture's on Saturday, Pearl. Duh.

Bushman said...

She owes the Chinese retraunt down the street some money from those darn horse races and the calls are mere pleadings to keep her from being almond "chicken"

Pearl said...

You guys are HILARIOUS! So many theories! Who knew cat-based intrigue was so widespread?!

Pearl said...

p.s. Thursdays are always crazy days for me and I don't always get to comment. Just know that I am here and wondering just what kind of people read my blog. :-) You're funnier than I am, I'll tell you that much!

Kristy said...

I bet she's making prank calls. A sphincter says what?

Gigi said...

Oh that Liza Bean. Having her around would make me more nervous than (wait for it......) a cat on a hot tin roof! (lame, I know. It's all I got today).

Cats + cell phones are nothing but trouble.

Vintage Christine said...

You ask how does she find the time to WRITE? I'm asking how does she manage to hold the frickin' PEN?

Nancy said...

Check her mouth for titanium teeth. Maybe she's with the Seals.

Eva Gallant said...

I'd eat out, if I were you!

W.C.Camp said...

I never underestimate cats - they know all!! Yesterday I got to pet a 3 legged cat and he seemed to have adapted perfectly except for that ear scratching thing on the right side - so I gave him a little help! W.C.C.

Antares Cryptos said...

She's smuggling catnip, isn't she?

Have to go, I'm being watched by the "soft footed".

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

You have one smart cat!

Cake Betch said...

I think that she is definitely up to something, but I don't think that Liza Bean would attempt to hurt you. You KNOW you could get her journal and use Google Translate, maybe pick up on a few of the things she has written in there.

injaynesworld said...

I do love my Liza Bean tales... And I'm not the least bit surprised that she speaks French.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Oh Pearl, If I was you, I'd be buying the expensive cat food until this passes ;-)
xo jj

Jill said...

This certainly made me smile....having 2 cats myself I can completely relate! LOL Have a great day!!

blessings,
Jill

Unknown Mami said...

You better watch your back! I hope that cat has a good cellphone plan what with all the international calls.

River said...

I think you might need to look at installing a webcam to keep an eye on her while you're away.

The Jules said...

Have you considered getting a dog?

Pat said...

Have you offended her maybe?

She could be annoyed that you write about her and she doesn't get any repeats. She's probably planning with her agent to bring you down dear. I should offer her something pretty quick.

Lola said...

Rofl. I found you on Best Posts of the week. Your blog is hilarious! I loved this post so much! -Lola http://www.dreaminginafishbowl.blogspot.com

Red Nomad OZ said...

HHHMMMmmm... Looks like time for proactive counterattack measures! I'd leave a cat transporter cage, ticket to OZ and newspaper clipping about the mouse plague downunder in plain view and see what transpires ...

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I can only say it so many times; Evil. Indigo

Susan in the Boonies said...

There is no doubt about it: there is mischief afoot.

And when you add in an entire leg, stretched in feigned casualness?

I smell T-R-O-U-B-L-E.

Or is that just cat breath?