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Monday, May 30, 2011

The Mysterious Dude Defense

I am fascinated. And repulsed. Fascinated and repulsed and maybe just a tad gleeful.

I watch "Cops".

“Run!” I yell at the TV screen, and sure as hell, there they go. Having been chased for miles by multiple police cars, a conga line of gyrating lights, burning rubber, and sirens, these morons jump from the car they’ve just crashed into some poor guy’s car/fence/home and take off on foot to the woods.

“Run!” I yell. “You morons!”

And run they do, because if there’s anything that these guys know for sure is that they just might get away. What the heck? They’re screwed as it is. Why not give it a shot?

Don’t you wish that this extended into other aspects of American crime? I’m tired of watching drug dealers, drunk drivers, and car thieves running from the cops. How much fun would it have been to see some Suit from Bear Stearns come whipping out of that building on Madison Avenue, tearing down the steps, a brief case clutched in one white-knuckled hand, the other brandishing a stapler, sweating through his white collared shirt, wild-eyed, the corners of his mouth congealed with white spittle?

“Stay back! I swear to God I’ll collate!”

Of course, we’ll never see that, but what kind of ratings would that get?! Better yet, how much fun would it be to see white-collar criminals looking like the blue-collar criminals you see on "Cops"? The head of BP thrown to the ground, five-six cops on him, his “This Face Seats Two” shirt torn and bloodied, the faded circle of a Skoal’s can visible on his sagging jeans’ back pocket as an officer’s foot comes down to pin him to the ground?

“We found this in the bushes, Chief,” says one of the cops, holding aloft a copy of the company’s earning statements (minus the balance sheet).

“I’m holding that for a friend!” the flustered CFO screams.

“Yeah?” says the cop, “What’s his name?”

“I don’t know, man! This dude just asked me to hold it for him.”

The police chuckle to themselves as the screen fades to black. “The Mysterious Dude Defense,” one of them says. “Wish I had a dollar for every time I heard that one.”

42 comments:

Desperate Housemommy said...

You are onto something, girl.

I fully expect to see an episode like this on the airwaves by year's end.

Kara said...

Cops taking down white collar criminals - what fun! I'd even set my DVR, just to be sure I didn't miss the episode!

Kipp said...

LOL!
Picturing an IT guy on the run; his T-shirt would probably say one of the following:
"Dude, I got a Dell."
"Want to see mine; it's a 4G."
"I (heart) 3.14159265"
"I see dead pixels."
And his Geek Squad card would be hanging out of his back pocket. ;)

Silliyak said...

How about "Excel doesn't lie, people enter misinformation"

Drake Sigar said...

The ratings will punch out god. I mean it sounds boring in theory, but people love watching the rich white guy take the fall. And if producers can make collecting hair samples and analyzing microscopic bacteria on CSI sound like the most exciting job in the world, there should be no problem here.

Eva Gallant said...

I love the way your mind works!

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

I'd watch that in a heartbeat.

Sioux said...

I occasionally watch "Real Housewives of New Jersey" for similar reasons. Although I'm telling them to "Run!" away from the plastic surgeon/the tanning hut/the spandex store/the trowel-on-the-make-up store, but they never do!

The Jules said...

"Put down the calculator! No-one needs to multiply! That's it! Steady! Steeeaaaady! Okay, cuff him!"

I'd watch it.

Shieldmaiden96 said...

In my mind I see a muscular German Shepherd, tail merrily wagging and head whipping back and forth as it worries the handle off a briefcase.

"NOOOOO!! That was a thousand dollars!"
"Well, ya shoulda stopped when we told you to stop."

pat tillett said...

Now that would make for good TV! My SIL is a big city cop and I used to love watching Cops with him.
What the heck is up with blogger? something changed in the commenting process in the last couple of weeks? It's not letting me log in to comment in the normal way...
Patrick Tillett, Extremely Overdue

Guillermo de la Varner said...

I would like to see a reality show along the lines of the movie "The Running Man" with these briefcase burglars. That would be entertaining.

Dazee Dreamer said...

Now I would totally watch that show.

Belle said...

I'd like to see all the bank owners tasered by the cops, "Don't tase me Dude!"

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I have a sweet little list from my corporate days of people I'd like to see on COPS, pinned down by burly men with moustaches wielding night sticks. The only quandry being, which to bludgeon first...

jabblog said...

It would certainly be different.

Susan in the Boonies said...

It'll never happen....but a girl can dream!

Douglas said...

They'd never run. Not unless they happened to be in their jogging outfits.

But I could see a reality show... "Last Exec Standing" or "Survival: the Executive Washroom."

Lo said...

Pearl, you have a marvelous mind! I don't tell you that often enough.

Loved this one....Oh, I wish you could sell this show to a network and stick around to write all the episodes. Send a copy of this blog to Seinfeld's agent. Puleeze.

Pat said...

Relieved I'm no the only one to shout at the telly.

Brigid Daull Brockway said...

Brilliant. Incidentally, I once had a friend who had been to prison. When I asked him what they did all day in prison, he told me that mostly, they watch Cops.

Gigi said...

And I've got a list of "criminals" they could start with in my back pocket.

Flea said...

Run, Pearl, run!!!

Elliot MacLeod-Michael said...

for the love of God, don't collate
+followed

Anonymous said...

The Mysterious Dude gets a lot of credit these days. "Mistakes were made." --vanilla

Katie Gates said...

Brilliant.

Marion Williams-Bennett said...

Love this, brilliant and hilarious.

'This face seats two" how great that he was actually wearing a shirt - my time with Cops always seems to reveal that the guy in trouble is never wearing shirt.

So, do the white collar crime guys keep their shirts on?

Cheryl K said...

Right On!

Jhon Baker said...

M Moore did some sort of skit like this once - funnier your way though, maybe going into some videos in in your future - maybe after getting the famous for writing about acute observations of Minnesotan life.

HermanTurnip said...

This was such a brilliant post I believe I'll have it tattooed on my back because, you see, that's just the way I roll...

Cheeseboy said...

Strangest Cops episode ever!

River said...

I'd watch that.

powdergirl said...

I've never seen cops, but I read some police blogs, I frequently laugh at loud at the stuff that goes on in their world.
I'd find a way to see your episode though, that was a brilliant post Pearl!

reanaclaire said...

You are really a good writer! I read your previous post too.. hilarious!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! You know, I've never seen COPS, just the spoof episodes they did on MY NAME IS EARL. But you know, I think I will? As for the mysterious dude defence, it's usually zebras blaming the ferrets. Zebras aren't bright, bless 'em, and those ferrets know a mule when they see one, even if it is stripey. Indigo

the walking man said...

Except you know these guys go out quietly, coat covering their wrists cuffed in front and then get out on huge amounts of bail money posted in cash then continue to live in 50K per month rent apartments for the year or three it takes to bring them to trial.

Sausage Fingers said...

Where can I get a t-shirt like that????
I miss the 70's
Sausage...

Cake Betch said...

Hahahaha! I haven't watched that show in forever, but I would DEFINITELY watch a white collar showed based upon the same kick-ass principles.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

That poor dude!
I'd love to see the TV show about white collar criminals getting run down!

ICKY said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-XoMVtqYdsA&playnext=1&list=PLC15EB9CB1D746889

Keith said...

Can you imagine the smug voice over that would go with it ?

Noe Noe Girl...A Queen of all Trades. said...

*snort*
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