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Sunday, May 1, 2011

Liza Bean Bitey and the Feline Brotherhood

Liza Bean recently visited the vet.

You remember Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), don’t you? Liza is the tiny-pawed, symmetrically striped and thoroughly adorable cat my mother insisted I take home.

“I don’t need a cat,” I had said.

“You don’t need a cat,” she corrected. “You need this cat.”

And dagnabit, the woman was right. Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is one of those cats that make you wish you had one. Small for her age, clever with her paws, a snappy dresser, and a gifted ventriloquist, Liza Bean is a credit to her species.

But there’s a dark side to this endearing puddy tat.

While I have, in the past, suspected her of being a part of an international jewel theft ring – and also of being the one who keeps adding the words “the good shrimp” to the weekly grocery list – it wasn’t until I found the tattoo that I realized that there was still so much more to be discovered about Liza Bean Bitey.

But I am getting ahead of myself.

Liza Bean has taken it upon herself recently to relieve the fancy goldfish of some of their water. Sitting atop the tank, she would lift the lid and lap until I got up to remove her. Really, we should’ve put something heavy on the lid right away – as we have since – but Liza’s drinking problem eventually led to the development of some sort of skin issue, causing her to lose the hair on her chinny-chin-chin.

And that’s when I found the tattoo.

“What’s that?” I muttered aloud.

“What’s what?” said Willie.

“That,” I muttered, lifting the cat’s chin. “Look at the ceiling, Liza Bean.” And there, on her charmingly pointy chin, was the dark blue ink of a prison tattoo.

“Liza,” I said sternly. “Is there something you want to tell us?”

As usual, her command of the English language wanes in direct correlation with the potential for a distasteful outcome. Had I been asking her if she preferred salmon over the chicken Friskies dinner, she would have answered me immediately. As it was, she gazed at me blankly for a moment and then nonchalantly licked a front paw.

A cross between an ancient Roman coin and the tiniest Rand-McNally road map you’ve ever seen, Liza Bean coyly refused me access to the tattoo that began under her chin, ran down her throat, and trailed off into her coat.

The vet gave her a shot and a white cone to wear and the wily feline was careful to avoid me as her hair grew back.

She took a phone call last night in the bathroom, water running.

I pressed my ear against the door, of course, but I couldn’t make out a word of it.

I tell you: if she hooks up with those Russians again, she and I are going to have a long talk.

29 comments:

Deborah said...

LOL ... Oh I just LOVE your updates on Lisa Bean (of the Minneapolis Biteys) WONDERFUL :O)

Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Pearl:
In our experience as cat owners [or should that be people with whom cats have deigned to live], all cats have secret lives which they are not keen to divulge. Unlike dogs who are eternally faithful and confess all at the drop of a stick, cats are always, in our view, slightly removed.

Your story today confirms our views on these wayward felines completely. A wonderful read!

jabblog said...

I hope you're compiling your Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys)blogs into a full-blown book:-)

Pat said...

Trouble is I can just see her. Does that mean I'm barmy?

Douglas said...

Dogs are dumb, playful,loyal animals. Cats are... well, they aren't dumb or loyal. And "playful" so often involves sharp claws digging into sensitive parts of human bodies that I am not sure that's the proper description.

But I wouldn't worry too much about Liza Bean... until you see a "tear" tat just below an eye.

savannah said...

are you prepared for the visits that miss liza bean's activities might initiate? have you heard any clicking sounds on your phone? any unusual activities and/or people in your neighborhood? i'm just saying, watch your back, sugar! ;~D xoxoxoxo

Pam said...

Oh, now this is funny. Your Liza Bean needs to meet my Sterling Cat, a true rogue with a middle cat complex. And I wonder if your Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is any kin to my Sally Cat, aka So-So Beans. She is definitely an aristocat, haughty and arrogant. I will be back to read more about Liza Bean!

jenny_o said...

Is it still a Brotherhood if it's got Sisters in it?

laughingmom said...

Liza Bean in the cone of shame?!? The vet had better watch his back!

Belle said...

My cousin thinks the Illuminati is behind everything. Maybe Liza Bean is one of them?

Oilfield Trash said...

Oh how I love the Liza Bean stories.

Eva Gallant said...

I live and breathe for those Liza Bean Tales! Keep them coming~

On My Soapbox said...

Uh oh, the Cone of Shame! She may never speak to you again.

injaynesworld said...

I bet she was talking to her paramour in The Big House. Probably planning to bust him out and move him in with you. I'd watch her very closely if I were you.

Leenie said...

I'm with Belle--Illuminati Cat Tat. If presidents and kings have angels and demons in their past, no doubt Miss LBB has a few conspiracies she'll never reveal.

a Broad said...

Does Liza Bean have any interest in writing her Memoirs ? I think I am ready for some racy reading..

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I agree with everyone else (except your conniving kitty): Keep these stories coming. There's so much more to learn about that Liza. Watch your back. I'm starting to worry about you.
xoRobyn

Dr. Cynicism said...

This sounds like my kinda cat!

Doubting Thomas said...

Go Liza Bean!! She's truly a cat of character and class. Just guard your cigarettes around her...

Reminds me of the feral cat named "Primrose" we adopted as a kitten. She was more 'gangsta', though. Never did figure out where she hid her shank!

Cheeseboy said...

Holy crap, this cat needs help. An intervention perhaps? Call her friends and have them meet you in a secret room. Make sure they are stern, but loving.

Gigi said...

Oh, that Liza Bean! Sounds like something is definitely afoot. Stay sharp, Pearl!

Casey Freeland said...

Do you think it's harder for felines to be somebody's bitch in prison? I mean, how terrible is it for a cat to be known as a bitch?

"drinking problem"! Genius!

Great post.

Cheers,

Casey

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl, it's worrying me now. I discovered King the lion (who lives in my spare room) doing exactly the same thing in my bathroom yesterday. Yet more of the feline brotherhood. No sleep for me tonight. Indigo

The Elephant's Child said...

Liza Bean has cousins over in Oz. Jazz aka Sid Vicious, aka Spike is certainly a member of the bitey clan. Jewel is aloof and mysterious.

Antares Cryptos said...

Pearl, I need this book. In paper!
*whispers* The cats know how to use the computer.

Dolly said...

I adore hearing what Liza Bean Bitey has been up to. I would check to see if she has bugged your home, and defo keep your computer password from her. Delightful stories!

Ross said...

Liza Bean sounds like one special kind of cat! Thanks for your recent comments on my site. I enjoy reading yours!

River said...

It's possible the secret phone call was to the Russian Mafia. As payback for the cone of shame, the vet may find himelf wearing concrete shoes...

I want to hear more about the tattoo. Under the chin is kind of an unusual spot for a tatt.

lifeshighway said...

I agree, an interesting choice for a cat tat. Being someone who can fall prey to conspiracy theories, I would watch Miss Bitey for any unusual or secret paw gestures when she is out and about.