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Friday, April 29, 2011

What Are Ya? Deef?

Mmm. Take a deep breath.

You smell that?

That’s Friday, redolent with good old-fashioned week-endy goodness.

Friday! And, as is my wont, I am using the songs played on my Friday-morning commute as a means of predicting my – and, if you’re not careful, your – weekend’s activities.

So! Ladies and gentlemen, following a tradition hundreds and hundreds of minutes old, I bring to you the iPod Weekend Predictor.

The Hazards of Love by The Decemberists
Love Dog by TV on the Radio *
My Old School by Steely Dan
One Man Guy by Rufus Wainwright
Train in Vain (Stand by Me) by The Clash
Heroes by David Bowie
Earth Intruders by Bjork
Hollywood Swinging by Kool & The Gang
Fire of Ada by Tin Hat Trio
Uprising by Muse

Hmm. Anyone you meet this weekend you should probably leave right where you met them.

Oh. And if you find yourself in the kitchen? I’ve got a hankerin’ for a cherry pie.

So do we have time for a quick story?

At one time, I was a court reporter, one of those intense-looking women pounding out, phonetically, everything said in the courtroom.

That’s the key: phonetically.

And I was good. But there came a day when I came across a line in a transcript that I was working on that stumped me.

The deponent said she had been coming back from an appointment, that she had just gotten – and here I wrote “P S D S”.

P.S.D.S.


Oh, crap.

PSDS?

PSDS.

PSDS. I rolled that son of a gun around in my mouth for a good hour. I checked the Physicians Desk Reference. I called the library. I called my friends. "You ever had P.S.D.S.? You know anyone who has?"

I had to have this word; and eventually I did what is, for court reporters, a last resort.

I called the deponent.

“Hello?”

“Hi. This is Pearl. Your court reporter?”

There was a pause.

“Hello?”

"Sorry. Who is this?"

“This is Pearl. I was your court reporter yesterday afternoon?”

Another pause. Apparently she wasn’t expecting me.

“Ma’am, I just have one question about your testimony. You mentioned that you had had an appointment on the day in question for PSDS. Do I have that right?”

“Oh,” she said, warming. “Yes. Yes, that’s right.”

“So, um,” I said, fishing, “Does that hurt, PSDS?”

“Oh, no, not really,” she said. “Just a quick pop. The earrings just get shot right in. It heals in no time.”

PSDS?

Pee-essed Eee-yahs!

Pierced ears!




Did I mention the woman had been raised near Boston?

43 comments:

Holly said...

I had my PSDS in my teens. Holy crap on a cracker, that's funny, I don't care who you are.

Mamma has spoken said...

PSDS? Still trying to figure out how you got that from what she said :o/

Pearl said...

Holly, it's given me a laugh ever since.

Mamma, you have to imagine it said by someone from Boston. Since they tend not to really say their "R"s (Pawk the caw), "pierced ears" sounds like pee-essed ee-yas. Or something like that. :-) Everyone knows we Midwesterners don't have accents... :-)

jenny_o said...

I've wondered how the reporting is done. Phonetically, eh?

You must have been going quite briskly to have gotten the original, made-in-Boston accented version of that phrase!!

Nessa Roo said...

Ima B laff N Ald A!

Pearl said...

jenny-o, it's amazing what you write when you're really flying. The cool thing about it being phonetic is that you can either conceivably write in a language you don't understand, or you can pretend, when the testimony is truly awful, that you don't know what they're saying and just write down what it SOUNDS like. Very helpful in child molestation cases...

Doubting Thomas said...

HA! That's funny right there, I don't care WHO you are (to crib from a certain redneck comedian)...

Being a Texan, we tend to give folks fits in the written word just about as badly as Bostonians or other Yankee-types (anyone not from Texas).

Good times!

Pearl said...

Nessa Roo, itz dill mekken me laff!

Pearl said...

D. Thomas, Texans are good fun to "write", too. Honestly, the U.S. is just full of wonderful accents. The only ones I honestly have a hard time with are Deep South inner-city -- very slurred together.

Jane and Lance Hattatt said...

Hello Pearl:
Up until this point, we have both steadfastly avoided pierced anythings as neither of us can stand any form of pain. But, we were relieved to note that the woman from Boston was only mentioning ear-piercing in court rather than anywhere more intimate which certainly might have proved embarrassing to discuss over the telephone.

If the signs of your music selection are to be taken seriously, then this may be a rocky weekend coming up....let us hope it is not so for the new Duke and Duchess, at least, not this soon!!

We do hope that you saw our comment on your previous post whch we so enjoyed. And, many thanks too for your kind comments on our own blog, to which we have made reply.

Irisheyes said...

Okay, that post made me pee a little! Thanks for the morning laugh Pearl, now I had better change...

who said...

That's wrap, perfect, throw the string

laughingmom said...

2 Fun E. Thanks for the laugh!

who said...

Objection! your honor! leading the witness, I would ask that you have the jury strike that from the record, tTHAT WAS NOT ESP, they have control of his com puter.

Since the defendant does not even listen to his own mother, I motion he should also not be forced to obey angels. Especially since he was ensnared into this under false pretenses. Although the plaintiff never actually mentioned sax, he clearly doesn't even know how to play a kazoo, let alone a complicated piece from a horny section.

That was clearly not my client in that video your honor.

Pearl said...

Jane and Lance, yes, and thank you for coming by! I saw yesterday's comment (very nice!) and glad you came back today!). And yes -- how lovely was the wedding? I was actually up early enough this morning to see quite a bit of it!

Irisheyes, it's one of my goals in life to make you pee your pants...

who, exactly.

laughingmom, I'm here for ya, baby!

Kate Mohler said...

Very funny, Pearl! Good language in this one and I love the way you lead up to the PSDS "climax". I work with a lot of students from all around the country (and world) and often struggle like this to understand them. Thanks for my morning chuckle.

Grant said...

Y'all is funny tawkin.

Daisy said...

Thanks 4 the morning belly laugh!

savannah said...

i'm from tvland, sugar, i have no accent! i just have one in blogville... xoxoxo

Dr. Cynicism said...

LOL! Love it! We're you a court reporter in Long Island, NY?

jabblog said...

Too funny! I wonder about abbreviations sometimes:-)

Camille said...

Being a New Englander and reading between the lines I think Ms. PSDS felt that she gave some kinda "wicked pissah" testimony, but then some woman named Pearl got it "all frigged up" and called to grill her in a manner "dryer than a popcorn fart" and maybe even for a moment thought you could be "dumber than a box of rocks", but then discovered you were actually "kinda wicked smart". Ayah. That's what it sounds like to me.

Sandra said...

Well you know Pearl, if you were psychic, this would not even have been an issue...pfffttt...
Hilarious! Ah you lovely Americans and your many accents. Here in Canada, we don't have any. And you can judge for yourself when we meet at the Tribal Blogs Conference! For sure we're gonna have a drink! I'm so excited! Still working on my stupid husband. I want to go alone, but apparently I'm not capable of an 8 hour drive unattended. I might get sidetracked and shop in Fargo or something...

Caleb said...

Oh. Right.

I thought she had Possibly-Stressful-Diarrhea-Syndrome.

That shit sucks. (OMG pun!)

Caleb

mapstew said...

P urst E urs! (Limerick)

Have a great weekend! :¬)

xxx

Cait said...

HA!I love it!! By the way, hells to the yeah on the Decemberists. They were here (in St. Louis) on Wednesday. Awesome show.

momiss said...

Excellent! I have a cousin in OK that often says (on the phone, to her dog, Skeeter), "Skeet-terrr! Qweeee-ahhhtt!.
That's "Skeeter! Quit!"
We laugh about how my kids can never understand her.

Bossy Betty said...

Ahhhhhh! I had an Indian friend who announced we were going to play Job Party once. I was very excited. It turned out to be Jeopardy.

Kelley said...

Hahaha!! I would absolutely SUCK at court reporting. Absolutely. I'd make mistakes like that all the time. This was hilarious!

WrathofDawn said...

"Due to licensing restrictions, some or all tracks may be unavailable for playback in your country... "

I can no longer play your iPod Weekend Predictor songs for my own PSDS. NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

I've discovered some pretty cool music there. This is a tragedy of epic proportions, I think you'll agree.

WrathofDawn said...

P.S. We have many, many different regional accents in Canada. Just sayin'...

Gigi said...

Well now, those up above the Mason Dixon line are known to have accents that make it hard to discern the words but those of us south of it? No accents at all. Not a one. No siree-bob. Court reporting would be easy-peasy down here.

Eva Gallant said...

that is too funny!

Pat Tillett said...

Damn yankees...
That was so funny!

W.C.Camp said...

I had to say it to myself to make sure it made sense. YOU ARE AN AMAZING COURT REPORTER. That is pretty darn good. Funny. W.C.C.

Lazarus said...

I lived in Boston for 6 years but still didn't see that one coming, great story!

Crystal Pistol said...

i have no clever comment. Only the very obvious: Holy CRAP! YOU ARE FUNNY AS HELL!

Linda O'Connell said...

My best friend is from Boston, and I couldn;t understandf half of what she said when we met over forty years ago. This was a funny post as usual!

Bushman said...

How does one actually make an appointment for PSDS? Does the little booth in the center of the mall even have a phone? If they did they would answer in Indian more than likley. Do you speak Indian Mam? If so is it possible that you also had some Curry while at at said Appointment? The stains on the bed were salsa not curry! Your honor I beg to strike the witness testimony from the records as I know of no such booth in any of the local malls that serve salsa!

Irish Gumbo said...

Wicked funny, dee-uh.

That playlist, yeah, sounds like nothing but trouble...good, good trouble :)

Pat said...

Delightful;)

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Haha, dude, I love this. I laughed out loud. Plus now I'm going to be saying that any chance I get. :)

Susan in the Boonies said...

I've actually heard that told before as a joke!

And yes, my ES are PSd.

Had it done when I was 18.