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Monday, April 4, 2011

Wait a Sec. I Thought She Was Going Back To School...

The downstairs people have come looking for their newspaper. Again. Earlier in the week, I could honestly say I didn’t know where it was; but this morning, I’ve been forced to lie.

“No, sorry. I can’t imagine what’s happened to it.”

Except I can imagine what’s happened to it. As a matter of fact, I know what’s happened to it.

It’s that damn cat again.

Ever since the scuffle over the catnip the other day, wherein Liza Bean and Dolly Gee came to blows over who got the last of it, things have been oddly quiet.

Then yesterday, while digging through Liza Bean’s yoga bag, I found a note: emploi de recherché.

That little S.O.B.!! You know, it’s not the fact that she is looking for a job – I mean, there’s no call to scribble in “shrimp cocktail” on the grocery list every week unless you’re going to help pay for it! – it’s the fact she’s attempting to keep it a secret by writing the reminder to herself in French!

Sacre bleu!

Of course, now I see it. Now, the signs are everywhere. It's not just the rolled-up want ad section on the floor of the bathroom this morning. It's the incessant grooming, the new boots, the way she runs to the door when the mailman comes. She hasn’t shown this much sparkly-eyed enthusiasm since I found that fish in my coat pocket.

She claims to not know anything about that, by the way. I’m pretty sure it was her, though. Dolly is more of a I-Left-a-Hairball-in-Your-Shoes kind of cat, while Liza Bean Bitey is more subtle, preferring to hide in the shadows while watching the bewildered expression on your face as you pull, say, a fish from your pocket…

Ah, well, if it will keep her busy and help pay for that trip to the Mayan Riviera she’s been yowling about, I’m all for it.

Wait’ll the gang on the bus gets a load of Miss Bitey.

33 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Wish my my cat would work. Well thats kinda my politically correct wish.

Liza would like our transit system here. It's called CATS.

Daisy said...

Seems reasonable that Miss Bitey would want a job. Cats love independance! She'll be able to buy her own catnip and not have to share it. :-)

Joshua said...

Shit like this is why I don't trust my cat.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Good for her! I mean, since that NCAA pool didn't pan out for anyone at your place...

Bossy Betty said...

Sure.....blame it on the cat.

Oilfield Trash said...

My cat puked up a hair ball on my back pack yesterday. I was not amused. Now I wish he would get a job.

Drake Sigar said...

Crazy cat ladies are our first and last line of defense against the coming feline uprising.

Krissy said...

Bailey could really use a job since my dog is all about being busy. I don't think that slacker has ever once looked at the newspaper though!

jabblog said...

Such intelligent cats you have;-)

haphazardlife said...

Somehow I think Ms. Bitey will be taking a limo to work.

- Jazz

lifeshighway said...

Rhianna, the calico queen of the house is now too lazy to reach her kibble placed safely on the washer so the Caesar the dastardly Pom won't eat her stash.

At first this plan worked, but now she follows me around the house yawling to be lifted onto the washer whenever the feels she needs a little snack.

Glen said...

I heard there are some jobs going for cats at starbucks - cleaning out the Frapuccino pots and frothy milk machine. The pay isn't great (minimum wage at best) but I hear the tips are good and she can have one Tall Machiato and a slice of Rocky Road per day, and 5 minutes smoke break evry two hours. Quite reasonable really.

Glen said...

Oh and thanks for the explanation :-)

Eva Gallant said...

I think I remember reading this once before; no matter, I still enjoyed it!

mrwriteon said...

I'd say no Mayan riviera until she gets a job. I'm harsh that way.

Wow, that was awkward said...

Maybe she loves reading Garfield.

Katie said...

::snort:: Perfect post for a yucky rainy day here in my neck of the woods! love it!

Pearl said...

Simply, the transit is “CATS”? Wait’ll I tell the kittehs…

Daisy, cats DO love their independence – and shopping. She’s found a great little collar store and is working on getting one for each day of the week.

Joshua, :-)

Bossy, her paw prints are all over that paper!

OT, really about the only thing I don’t like about cats. They ARE a bit puke-y.

Drake, now THAT’S funny.

Krissy, I find that’s true with dogs. They’re busy, but they prefer someone else provide the direction.

Jabblog, Liza Bean is very bright. Dolly Gee appears to have some special needs.

Lifeshighway, that made me laugh. I can picture it!

Glen, come to think of it, some of the folks at my Starbuck’s might be cats…

Eva, it’s true! It’s a re-work! I’m overwhelmed lately…

Mrwriteon, she’ll be furious. :-)

Wow, that was awkward: could be. She does love the low-brow comics.

Katie, I’m glad it helped!

jenny_o said...

I think I agree with lifeshighway - that cat wouldn't be caught dead on a bus. The very idea.

Sweet Cheeks said...

You'd best advise Liza Bean that she'll be paying taxes like the rest of us...and no exceptions!
=]

Pearl said...

jenny o, that's going to throw a kink into things. The more I think about it, the more I realize that public transportation will not be an option for li'l Liza Bean...

Sweet Cheeks, :-) She better. I have no respect for scofflaws!!

xl said...

My cats, when they can be bothered, post something.

Bagman and Butler said...

I need to pay more attention to our cats. I think you are on to something.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I think KFC might be hiring finger-lickers. But, no ... that's more of a dog job.

Cheeseboy said...

Funny. My wife gets me very excited when she has a fish in her pocket too. Darned cats. Always up to no good. Just like that Broadway musical.

On My Soapbox said...

We used to have a bitey kitty, too. It came in handy once, when my mother was visiting....

injaynesworld said...

Somehow, I can't picture Liza Bean doing menial labor. I do hope she finds a position worthy of her.

Crystal Pistol said...

"THE NEW BOOTS" ?! Girl, you in trouble now. Ain't nothin' worse than a Puss in Boots. Next thing you know she'll be calling you the Marquis of Carabas and outsmarting Ogres.

I say put your foot down while you still can!

hoodyhoo said...

Do you SERIOUSLY expect Liza Bean to ride the BUS with the hoi polloi? The next thing you see on your grocery list is going to be "Mercedes."

IndigoWrath said...

Yeah, it all sounds good, but what will she do with the cash? Is this the investment for another money laundering scam? Or will you find yourself on the deeds for a tuna factory again?

Maundering mutterer said...

My cat has stolen my boyfriend, or at his least his right thigh. Never trust a cat.

Pat said...

I'm a little cat sensitive since April 1st.

Cake Betch said...

Has Liza Bean considered espionage? She seems perfect for it.