I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Something Tells Me It Wouldn’t Have Been a Good Fit, Anyway

I arrive on time, but Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is already at the table.

The glass in front of her is empty, the umbrella that was once in it now tucked behind one perky little ear.

I sit down. “What, you’re one up on me already?”

She holds a paw up, two claws extended.

“Two? That’s your second drink?"  I glance at my watch.  "I thought we were meeting at 7:00?”

“We are meeting at 7:00,” she says.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys), a small-pawed, symmetrically striped catcher of mice, a delightfully purring example of nature’s having wrapped power in a fuzzy-wuzzy package, is feeling feisty.

She holds up her paw. A waitress appears immediately.

Cats are notoriously generous tippers.

“I’ll take another,” Liza Bean purrs. “How about you? The usual?”

“Gin and tonic,” I say to the waitress. “Extra limes, if you don’t mind.”

Liza Bean turns her green and slightly-unfocused eyes on me. “I shoulda never been honest in the interview.”

“Oh, no,” I say, mentally removing the tuna steaks from the grocery list. “What happened?”

She shrugs, decides she’s already said too much and turns quickly to lick a shoulder blade.

“Come on,” I nudge. “You asked me here. Obviously you want to talk about it.”

And suddenly I see.

“Oh, no,” I say, eyes widening. “You weren’t catty, weren’t you?”

Liza Bean stares at me over her raised glass and almost imperceptibly lowers her eyelids. She smiles, then closes her eyes. “It was inevitable.” She opens her eyes, sips her drink. “It started poorly,” she says, gazing out the window. “She opened the door to her office and called me in with a “Liza Bean Bitey? Here, kitty kitty kitty! I mean, really: Here, kitty kitty kitty?

“Seems unprofessional, doesn’t it?”

Liza Bean chuckles. “Pearl, she had lipstick on her teeth!”

“The horrors,” I say, smiling.

“She—“ and here the cat snickers slightly, “She asked me if I minded if she ate her lunch while we talked, and when I said no, she pulled a Lunchable from her purse.”

Liza Bean’s third drink is placed on the table.

“No!”

“Yes!” She slips the waitress a dollar bill. “And worst of all?”

“It gets worse than a Lunchable?”

“She suggested that while they had just extended an offer to another candidate, they would like to offer the position of receptionist to me.” The cat sips her drink delicately. “As a way of getting my paw, so to speak, in the door.”

“Receptionist?! Did she not have your resume in front of her?”

She raises her eyebrows. “This was, as you can imagine, unacceptable to me; and I told her, in so many words, on my way out the door.” Liza Bean takes another sip of her drink and sighs in a somewhat exaggerated display of boredom. “Frankly, the smell of those tiny bologna bits in that lunch of hers was giving me a headache.”

I watch a group of people head for the smoking patio and the phrase “Hey, do you think I could bum a…” forms in my brain. I swallow half my drink. “In so many words, you say. And what words would those be?”

“Oh, you know,” she says, smiling. “Something about starving first, perhaps a comment or two on her wardrobe specific to the elastic-waist-banded pants she was wearing, blah, blah, blah. Who can remember?”

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) looks around the room, locates the waitress, raises one paw, turns to me. “You ready for one more? And then we really need to get going.”

33 comments:

Joshua said...

Makes me want to drink lunch. Right now.

Pearl said...

Joshua, I could go for a drink myself.

Simply Suthern said...

Sounds like and episode of "Two and a Half Cats".

I'd be scared to hire her.

Pearl said...

Simply, I'd throw in a comment about tiger's blood, but that would imply that I've paid any attention to Charlie Sheen, and I absolutely have not. :-)

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

I'm in for drinks, for real.

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

By the way Pearl, you have a real gift for dialogue.

Leenie said...

Receptionist!? Lunchables? How crude, coarse and unrefined! Good for LLB ot MB--a cat with class. There was probably mention of baloney breath that she didn't mention.

Pearl said...

Thanks, Yandie!

Leenie, can you believe it? :-)

Oilfield Trash said...

I could use a drink right now.

Ironic that you mention Charlie, I wrote a post about him today.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Bologna? Surely she could have at least gone for the turkey and cheddar. I heart Liza Bean!

Cheeseboy said...

I don't drink and this post made me want to drink. Perhaps eat a lunchable with a cat too.

Eva Gallant said...

You had me roaring with this one! Love, Love, Lize Bean Bitey!

Imagine the nerve...offering her the receptionist postition! Makes me want to cough up a hairball!

jabblog said...

What a sophisticated cat!

Camille said...

You had me at, "paw up, two claws extended", but then the spit-take happened at the mention of "lunchables". Hysterical. I could just see it happening. You've made my day and I'm also considering a liquid lunch just now.

Suitcase said...

You're killing me! SOOO glad I started following you. I mean, what a versatile cat. My dog only eats the drywall.

Kara said...

Oh! Poor Liza Bean! Tell her she's better off. I mean, what cat with any class would ever want to work for a elastic-waist-banded, bologna-eating woman with lipstick on her teeth?!

Crystal Pistol said...

Who can blame our fearless feline? I too become catty in the face of blatant disregard for my talents. And lipstick on the teeth? Ohh! it's all too much to bare.

She deserves a tuna steak, my dear Pearl. She's been through the kitty kitty kitty hell!

I commend you on not bumming a smoke off the random people in your obvious state of duress. You're a strong woman. Clearly.

Laurie said...

I just fell in love with Liza Bean, seriously :D Now I need a drink to help me think about my new feelings.

laughingmom said...

I hope that you paid the tab!

Glen said...

who was driving?

Pearl said...

OT, I read your post on Charlie! :-)

Sarah, Liza Bean sends her love and says to expect a call from a Romanian named “Radu”. Something about gem stones. I dunno.

Cheeseboy, even people who don’t drink want to drink with cats. It’s weird.

Eva, thank you. :-) Liza’s pretty hungover today. I may have to take a picture.

Jabblog, Liza Bean gets around!

Camille, some days are made for a liquid lunch – and a long cat nap after the festivities. :-)

Suitcase, I laughed at “my dog only eats the drywall”. Thank you for a lovely visual on this gray spring day!

Kara, exactly. No worries – she has other interviews…

Crystal Pistol, it’s been 10 weeks since I had a smoke. But who’s counting? :-)

Laurie, that’s very funny!

Laughingmom, hmmm. Did I? I did. I’m sure I did. I’m pretty sure I did…

Glen, neighborhood bar. No driving necessary. One of the perks of living in the city!

Joshua said...

End even people who aren't great fans of cats want to drink with cats.

Susan in the Boonies said...

That cat's a big drinker for being unemployed.

Checked your wallet lately?

Just a suggestion...

The Jules said...

Never be honest in an interview. I nearly let slip I was a primate once, for a job packing bananas.

Close thing.

I didn't get it anyway, but that was mainly because they were concerned they wouldn't be able to find me, what with my jaundice and all.

Barbara Shallue said...

Great characterization and dialogue!! She sounds like a fun friend :) Never a dull moment, I bet!

Gigi said...

That woman should be happy that Liza Bean declined the position....because I have a feeling that had she taken the job she would have that woman's within six months.

Pat said...

She's so cool!
I can only imagine what a lunchable is:)

The Inside said...

Pearl, I love your style - and your cat! How much of the aforementioned style did you learn from Liza Bean? I myself (and my alter-ego, The KittyGodMother)learned everything we know that's worth knowing from the cats.
Would you, perhaps, enjoy my latest post as much as I've enjoyed yours? Leave me a comment!

http://thruthedirtywindow.blogspot.com/

River said...

"paw up, two claws extended"
I think Liza Bean is my most favourite cat in the whole world.
Perhaps if she wore the pearl and diamond choker next interview, that would show the interviewer they're dealing with a class act.

Irish Gumbo said...

Those bologna bits give me a headache, too.

Things may be tight out there, but a gal has to have standards, right? Not just any old thing will do. Go, Liza Bean!

Oh, and where were you going to, afterwards? She seemed serious...

lifeshighway said...

It it a sin against cat nature to begin any interview with "here, kitty kitty". There was no salvaging the meeting at that point lunchables or not.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Poor LBB! But hey, all Human Resources folks are all feckless, in that really-should-know-better-but-don't-care kinda way. And how IS the lack-of-smoking going? Indigo

Pat Tillett said...

My goodness, you are such a great writer. Your imagination is also amazing...