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Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Goodbye Joe, Me Gotta Go, Me Oh My Oh

Liza Bean Bitey – of the Minneapolis Biteys – a delightfully small-pawed cat with a penchant for umbrella-ed drinks; tiny dollops of cream presented on garage-sale china saucers; and BBC World News, is looking for a job.

And while the rest of the Midwest struggles to fill its job-interview dance cards, the cat’s resume seems to have piqued the interest of the Human Resources business community.

My phone’s been ringing off the hook.

“Good morning, this is Pearl.”

“May I speak with Pearl?”

“Speaking.”

“Ah, yes. You’ve been listed as a reference for a Miss Liza Bean Bitey –“

“ – of the Minneapolis Biteys,” I interject.

“Excuse me?”

“Nothing. Proceed.”

“As I say,” she continues, her lips audibly pursing, “you’ve been listed as a reference for a Liza Bean Bitey. Can we talk about her qualifications for the position of Media Relations Specialist?”

Media Relations?

“Of course,” I say. I find it best to play along when faced with the ridiculous.

“One of the things we are looking for in a Media Relations Specialist is the ability to present reality in its best possible light. The position for which Liza Bean has applied would include on-camera work. In your experience, does Liza Bean have the ability to give the impression of truthfulness and/or sincerity?”

I reflect back on this morning. Liza Bean was sitting on the table, licking her whiskers thoughtfully, when I came into the kitchen for my lunch. Packed the night before in contemplation of the fog that often goes along with any day that starts at 5:30, I recall wondering, dimly, what she was doing up so early. I ran down the front steps, lunch bag bouncing against my yoga bag, the last thing I heard as I locked the front door was her voice, singing: “Son of a gun we’re gonna have big fun on the bayou…”

It wasn’t until I was on the bus that I realized the full implications of the song, and I knew what I would find before I opened the bag.

My jambalaya had been replaced with Meow Mix.

Liza Bean Bitey has always enjoyed my jambalaya.

“Liza Bean is the very face of sincerity,” I say, meaningfully. “She is a political animal, and you would be hard-pressed to find a cat who exudes more charm.”

“Very nice, very nice…” the woman at the other end of the line is writing this down.

The questions went on: Did Liza Bean Bitey have any compunction against bending the truth when required? Had she ever done any time in a federal penitentiary? Was I aware of any black marks on her record that would restrict her travel, outside of her inability, as noted on her resume, to work within Bratislava?

Coming out of my mouth, no words could be sweeter than those describing Liza Bean. Perfect for the Marketing and Public Relations world, to hear me tell it, no cat is more sincere, sharper, believable, or photogenic than the very cat applying for the job.

By the end of the interview, the woman on the other end and I were fast friends, and she thanked me for my time, enthusiastic about the chance to personally interview Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

That cat wants a job, she’s gonna get one.

That’ll teach her to steal my lunch.

35 comments:

Deborah said...

LOL ... just an absolute crazy and wonderful delight to read!
... of the Minneapolis Biteys, it makes me laugh every time :o)

Simply Suthern said...

That word Sincere and Media Relations never really goes well together. A sly cat like Liza is prolly perfect for Media relations. If you want sincere you hire a dog.

Pearl said...

Thank you, Deborah. :-) I personally like saying "Bitey" aloud whenever I get the chance.

Simply, :-) exactly. I personally don't trust much of what any media relation person tells me, and who better to convey their kind of media than a cat?

Anonymous said...

I love your blog! You will be in our prayers and thoughts!


Web Design

Pearl said...

Anonymous, umm, thanks. :-)

ThreeOldKeys said...

oh the Minneapolis Biteys. i guess she's not related to the Burnsville Biteys. or the Van der Bittens from Holland, Michigan.

Oilfield Trash said...

Well I can't blame her for stealing your jambalaya. I mean it was jambalaya.

lisleman said...

If Liza Bean Bitey did land this job, would the two of you commute together on the bus? Does she have her own I-pod? Could we expect a new purrspective on the bus people?

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, this is rich! Love it. Can't wait for the actual interview!

Crystal Pistol said...

Yeah. I'm with Anon on this. You're my prayers and thoughts. After supping on Meow Mix you will need all the prayers and thoughts you can get. bon apetito!

...You're welcome!

Kitten Thunder's Girl said...

Well that explains why I didn't receive a call from HR. Who could compete with a Bitey from THE Minneapolis Biteys?

Pearl said...

TOK, poor Liza Bean. She has, unfortunately, no way to trace her true lineage!

OT, and someday, I'm going to have REAL jambalaya, in New Orleans.

lisleman, you know, Liza and I have never ridden the bus, lathough we have gone to a couple bars together. She's a keen observer of the human conidtion and loads of fun -- until she has the drink that pushes her over the edge. Once that happens, there's usually a fight.

Eva, there will be a break in the action while I write the things that are filling my ever-present notebook, but I'm pretty sure there will be news on the actual interview. :-)

Crystal, I know. :-) I'm going to be burping that stuff up all day...

Kitten Thunder, it's a tough market! Don't count yourself out just yet -- Liza Bean is not always everyone's cup of tea and I wouldn't be surprised if she blows the interview intentionally...

Susan in the Boonies said...

I cannot imagine the sequels that are bound to be forthcoming when the cat gets a job.

Happily for me, I don't have to imagine them.

But you do.

Pearl said...

Susan, I wish you could meet the cats. Honestly, this stuff writes itself. :-)

vanilla said...

If, as you tell Susan, "this stuff writes itself," I should very much like to harbor a member of the Bitey Tribe. And I'm not even a cat person.

Great stuff, Pearl.

jenny_o said...

Great ploy,giving her a golden reference. Maybe once she's working there'll be less time for lunch switches and pocket fishes and the like. AND you can start charging her room and board. Lay the ground rules early!

Daisy said...

Definitely get an agreement on the R&B as Jenny suggests.... and do it before Ms Bitey eats all the jambalaya.

How do you pronounce "Bitey" btw? "bit-ee"? "bite-ee"?

Fay said...

you always make me laugh outloud ! thankyou fay x

a Broad said...

Let me know which channel to watch ..

Nessa Roo said...

Absolutely entertaining. I think I know that cat's cousin. (Used to steal my pillow...)

Thank you for visiting my blog last week. I appreciate the comment. I have read a few more of your posts, and I'm alot happier for it!

Gigi said...

Ummm, is Liza Bean in the market for writing resumes? I'm thinking she could probably "pretty up" Hubby's. And while we are at it - can I put you down as a reference for him? Between the two of you this man would have a job lickety-split!

Vintage Christine said...

I used to give a friend of mine glowing recommendations when she used me for a reference--it was fun because she ALWAYS wound up pissing off someone soon after she was hired and soon thereafter was fired. And around and around we'd go! I'm sure Liza Bean is much more qualified than most, anyway.

caterpillar said...

Heehee...would love to meet Miss.Liza Bean Bitey

Boxer said...

I'm anticipating the ID photo when she shows up the first day of work.

who said...

yeah, that oughta learn her, except soon it will no longer be called stealing The term used later on will be a noun AND a verb, as in she'll be preforming it AND going to a place called work.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You and that Liza Bean - what a duo! I love that she sang that bayou song and is unable to work in Bratislava. Your Liza Bean posts are fabulous.
xoRobyn

River said...

I've often wondered what Jambalaya is; heading to google RIGHT NOW.

Scarlet Blue said...

Hopefully she will earn so much that you will be able to give up work and she will feed you smoke salmon with cream cheese. One can dream.
Sx

Irish Gumbo said...

SNAP! Liza Bean just got served! That'll show her :)

BTW? Jambalaya? Bratislava? Details make the piece, and you got some good ones :)

Pat said...

I trust you had everything crossed?

Pearl said...

Vanilla, :-)

Jenny O, this is what I’m thinking. I am entirely sick of the smug look on her little whiskered face as she stretches on my bed and I step into the cold every morning. THAT’ll teach her to write “the good shrimp, not the cheap stuff” on my lousy grocery list every week.

Daisy, dropped by your place after reading this but for those playing along at home, that’s BITE-ee. As is “careful of your feet there, the cat’s all bite-y again.”

Fay, I’m glad!

A Broad, I was just thinking of you! We are expecting 70 degrees on Saturday! Wheee! I’ll let you know when she gets the job. :-)

Nessa Roo, a pillow-stealer? Luckily, Liza Bean doesn’t want to sleep on your head. She wants to pin your legs…

Gigi, Liza Bean’s writing style is as crisp and yet as flowery as she is…

Vintage Christine, you’re a good friend!

Caterpillar, and she would love to meet you, especially if you know a guy who knows a guy who can get their hands on the Nip in large quantities.

Boxer, I’m working on that!!

Who, absolutely. All the best thieves are in advertising/media relations. I’m thinking she’s also well-qualified for politics, if we can find a way to scrub her past a bit…

Robyn, our relationship is complex. I house, feed, stroke, and care for her; and she bites my fingers in the middle of the night and makes snide comments about my clothing.

River, jambalaya is TASTY is what jambalaya is!

Scarlet Blue, I’ve always wanted to be a pet. :-)

Irish, thank you! I’m actually having kind of difficult time writing right now, so I’m glad that it’s not really noticeable!

Pat, we’ve got our T’s crossed and our I’s dotted!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

But can she do it without opposible thumbs?

Pearl said...

Green Girl, Liza Bean can do it on her head. It's keeping her fuzzy little mitts off my bank account that is a challenge.

Pat Tillett said...

That's what I love about cats. A dog would have just ripped the bag to shreds and eaten your lunch. Cats plan it out...

clairz said...

Why, oh why, have the tales of Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) never before reached us down here in the desert wilds of southern New Mexico?