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Saturday, April 23, 2011

... and I Awoke, Dazed, to Discover I'd been Watching a Community Access Show...

By the time I reached home, the TV had worked itself into a righteous, vigorous anger.

Apparently word had reached it – and I’m not blaming anyone specific here but I do strongly suspect my laptop, a sleek sexy bit of an appliance who can’t keep her damn lid closed – that I would no longer be spending time in front of the TV, butt planted, mouth open.

The TV was angry; and for reasons I still don’t understand, smelled slightly of stale cigarettes.

“Is it the screen? Huh? What? ‘Cause I’ve got a scratch? ‘Cause I don’t know from HDTV?”

“It’s not that…”

“What? I’m not big enough for you, Miss High-and-Mighty? Is that it? You think because you’ve a bath tub and a shower that you’re too big for the primetime line-up?”

“Hey, I never said…”

“Oh, save your breath, Miss I-Never-Heard-of-Him-Who-Is-This-Maury-Povich-Person! I know what you watch! You hear me? I know what you watch!

“Hey, now. There’s no need to –“

“Tell it to the Marines, okay? Where’s the thanks, huh? Should I tell all your brainy friends about your Tetris addiction?”

“Wha—what?”

“Ha! You think I don’t remember that? You think I don’t remember you and your Nintendo? Hours and hours of Mario Brothers? Of Tetris? How you’d play until you swore the city’s skyline had gaps in it you thought you could fill in if the right piece ever came down?”

My face burned with shame.

The TV laughed cruelly. “Thought I’d forgotten that, didn’t you?”

“Look, that was a long time ago.”

The TV laughed again, his power indicator fever-red. “I don’t need your crap,” he spat. “I had a life, you hear me? I had a life before you!”

I lost control of myself. “You didn’t! You had no life! I paid for you! I paid for you and I dusted you and I moved you every single time I moved! Do you hear me?”

I turned my back on him and burst into tears. “You think this is easy? You think I don’t still care for you? It’s just gotten dirty! I feel cheap! I have a callus from using the remote! The middle cushion on the couch has a Pearl’s-butt-shaped dent in it! If I’m not careful – oh, God! I’m going to end up watching Fox News!”

The full horror of the situation hit me at that moment; and I fell on to the ground in front of the TV, sobbing.

The TV made staticky, cooing noises.

“Movies, maybe? You’ve been promising Ma you’d watch the first season of Heroes for almost two years now. Maybe we could do that? Huh? The Dune movies? What about the Lord of the Ring Trilogy? You like that, don’t you?”

I sat up, nodding dully and wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

“I don’t know. I don’t know if we can be friends. We’ll just have to take it slowly.”

The TV began to hum the theme song from “One Day at a Time”.

I shook my head, repulsed.

He’ll never change.

37 comments:

mapstew said...

My dear Miss Pearl, thank you for making my weekend start so well! You is FUNNY girl!

Have a good one. :¬)

xxx

Irisheyes said...

I am not crying, I am not crying!! Look away! Oh, Pearl. I have been there. Call me if you need someone to talk to. :) I am here for you.

Drake Sigar said...

I loled. You're a genius, you really are.

Douglas said...

What? No "It isn't you... it's me" refrain?

I, too, have that love-hate relationship with my TV. But it's a classy one, even does that HDTV thing. And she likes westerns so she can't be all bad.

Bossy Betty said...

I know how to push his buttons and he knows how to push mine.

Sioux said...

I am going to have to send everyone I know to today's post by Pearl. The ending, with the theme song of "One Day at a Time" was priceless. (Not that you need anymore followers. Close to a thousan'! No wonder I'm scraping and scrapping and thrilled when I hit the 50 mark! Pathetic!)

OMG! AND I'm one of the first 10 to comment. Usually I'm # 112 or so! Yipee yahoo!

powdergirl said...

Pearl! Honestly!
You just get better and better : )
I think you might be "My Strange Addiction".

And I think I love you : D

Gary Baker said...

You crack me up.

Mamma has spoken said...

Aw who needs a tv when you have a lap top any way?

Simply Suthern said...

Forgot to take your pills again I see.

The Jules said...

:-)

My dirty TV lets anyone watch it, and I'm the only one who has to pay!

Amanda said...

Tetris addiction?? That was a low blow! How dare your TV bring that up after so many years??

Georgina Dollface said...

Oh my. I'd be in so much trouble if my TV could talk. My Shopping channel addiction, my love of cheesy 80's syndicated comedy, the infomercials...I'm not proud of myself. You got off lucky, Pearl. That TV has you right where it wants you. Is the TV's name HAL by the way? - G

Lazarus said...

Creative and funny, another great post Pearl! Putting on my amateur linguist hat, I see two phrases in here which are indicative of time spent in the NYC area, but I don't think you have that background (unless you're holding out on us...) "...don't know from..." and "tell it to the Marines." The latter was used on a commercial many years ago for a long-deceased NY bank. Although, maybe it's a commonly used phrase elsewhere too. I'm probably over-analyzing here, let me just enjoy the funny post and move on!

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Excellent!
Love the angry red power button.
Do you have more than one TV in your home? Is there jealousy?

Linda O'Connell said...

You keep making me laugh out loud. Are you on HBO?

becca said...

have a wonderful Easter weekend

jenny_o said...

Great send-up, Pearl!

And wasn't Tetris awesome? The only computer game I ever got into.

Have a good week-end!

Eva Gallant said...

You are so hilarious! What a creative mind...or maybe it's the meds....hallucinating?

Tammy said...

Love it! And I'm so glad my TV can't talk!

lisleman said...

I'm wanting to recycle an old TV real soon but my wife thought she use it to exercise in front of. I should warn her that he will be watching her too.
Great dialog - too bad they don't have TV's on xtranormal.

Leenie said...

Even your television is funny.

a Broad said...

Scary ... it was all so ... Real.

love, C

Oilfield Trash said...

Everything in your house is hilarious.

Molly Potter said...

My toaster, bathroom fan., outside light, curling tongs, desk lamp, blender, power drill and lawnmower all bully me but I love them deep down inside. So I feel, Pearl, that we are kindred spirits. xxxxx

Molly Potter said...

Oh and my bike lights...how could I forget them - they have me nearly run over regularly.

Lynn said...

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, NOT FOX News!
Or as I call it Jerry Springer news.

Argent said...

You've definitely struck a chord with me. I love/hate the damn TV. I swear off it, but it knows that sooner or later I'll be back. Stupid chewing-gum of the mind!

Kay Dennison said...

LOL Happy Easter!!!!

River said...

My TV wouldn't dare talk back to me. He knows full well I'll pull his plug and watch DVD's on the laptop.

Suitcase said...

Brilliant!

24 Corners said...

Since it's Easter weekend...you have a good excuse to either unplug or, plug up and enjoy...you are the master!!
Happy Easter Pearl...I wish my brain was half as alive as yours!
xo j~

Gigi said...

Genius, Pearl. Pure genius. Happy Easter!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Hell knoweth no fury like a picture tube scorned.

Jhon Baker said...

I keep threatening to shoot mine, so it stays off most the time.

Mickey Burdick said...

This cracks me up. Good God, if only my TV could tell tales - the wasted hours, the brain cells killed. Thanks for making me laugh!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl!

"How you’d play until you swore the city’s skyline had gaps in it you thought you could fill in if the right piece ever came down?"

Ah, happy days.

As for the TV, piss it off and buy one of those sleek LED TVs. It'll piss its plugs and change its tone. Oh yeah.

Indigo x