I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Friday, March 18, 2011

This is Where Dolly’s Allowance Goes

Another day, another dollar/dollar-and-a-half, depending on where you live, and we arrive, breathless and just a tad giddy, at the cusp of yet another glorious possibility of a weekend.

And as we have in the past, we look to my iPod and its shuffled-song predictions for the future.

Because everyone knows that the songs played during Friday morning’s commute have bearing on the upcoming weekend.

It’s true. Don’t fight me.

There is a Mountain by Donovan
Weirdo by The Charlatans
Whipping Post by Allman Brothers
It Goes On and On by The Avett Brothers
This is Radio Clash by The Clash
Twist and Crawl by English Beat
Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd

What’s it mean? It means life is short. Make that phone call.

So do we have time? Just a quick one before you're off doing whatever it is you do?

The alarm bee-bee-beeping right around 5:20, I walked in on this earlier in the week...




Dolly taps her cigarette into an ashtray shaped like a Spaniard’s helmet and chews on the end of her pen.

You’ve met Dolly “Gee” Squeakers, haven’t you? One part Siamese, one part Tabby, and, oddly enough, one part badger, the delightfully cross-eyed cat is seated at the kitchen table in the early-morning light, the Final Four Men’s Division I Basketball Champeenship bracket in front of her.

She gazes out the kitchen window as she considers her approach.

Having given it as much thought as her attention span allows, this year’s March Madness tactic for filling out her bracket is a simple one: all animals.

This means that in a contest between the Gators and the Bruins, she’s gotta go with the Bruins. Unless the game is held in a swimming pool, in which case the Gators will most surely dominate.

She also chooses every available team named after a bird.

“On the other paw,” she mutters, staring out the kitchen window, “I like the lookth of the Nittany Lionth.”

Poor Dolly. Teased as a kitten for her lisp, it is a rare moment that we catch her talking to herself.

In the end, however, Dolly is taking Kansas for the win. “You can’t go wrong with the Jayhawkth,” she says.

And with that, Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, sets down her pen, crushes her cigarette in the ashtray and jumps from the stool to the floor, whereupon she flops on to one side and promptly falls asleep.

41 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Thats how my wife does it minus the cigarette. She picks by which Mascot she likes best. Well by which one looks best not taste best.

Glen said...

head hurts - can't decide - is it you that is insane or your cats?

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I actually think a cat would fill out a bracket with as much luck as a person.

Georgina Dollface said...

You might want to keep Dolly Gee's talent under wraps, lest she get kittenapped by a local gang of bookmakers. - G

Milk River Madman said...

Nice place you have here. Where do you find the time and energy? Is there any samples of what is in your little book that I may peruse before purchasing or is it so good I need not worry?

Pearl said...

Simply, I've asked the cat not to smoke in the house, but she rarely listens, being a cat. I'm hoping she gives it up...

Glen, I am a perfectly normal writer/corporate worker/landlord/ex-biker/perimenopausal woman. I think that should answer your question. :-)

Green Girl, exactly. :-)

Georgina, that's what the alarm hisssssstem is for.

Milk River, oh, it's all stellar. :-) I'll send you a short story and you can decide...

Mandy's Kidding said...

I think all cats would be smokers if they had fingers and lighters.

Pearl said...

Mandy, and they're NOTORIOUS for not buying their own but simply bumming them off you all night long. But who can say no to those adorable little faces? Plus, they know all that stuff about you...

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

"Whipping Post"?! That doesn't bode well for you or Dolly Gee, does it? BTW congrats on your 1000 (awesome) posts! And I'm pulling my mom-jeans higher as we speak. I love your writing. Your wet finger? Not so much.

Sweet Cheeks said...

That Dolly.

She's going to end up needing Gambler's Anonymous sometime soon.

BTW, has she ever spent any time in jail?
=]

Pearl said...

Dawn, I have to admit "Whipping Post" concerns me just a tad...

Sweet Cheeks! How are you?! I've missed you!! And oddly enough, she DID spend some time in jail. Vagrancy, I believe it was, in her youth. I really should look into that...

Kal said...

I like the way that cat thinks. I will go with her technique for my bracket and put all my pop can money on the big games. I will let you know how she/we do.

laughingmom said...

Poor Dolly her crosseyed vision must make it so difficult to follow the games - or is she just the bet and see if I win type with no interest in the actual playing?

Eva Gallant said...

Have you not warned Dolly of the dangers of tobacco?? Especially at such a tender age. But are you saying she's betting on March Madness? She smokes and gambles, too???? Oh, my. Not a good example or influence for Liza Bean Bitey of the Minneapolis Biteys!

Pearl said...

Kal, I can't wait to see how you do. :-)

laughingmom, it's so hard to tell with that cat. The weird runs deep with this one.

Eva, you know, for ages I thought Dolly was Mary Ann to Liza Bean's Ginger, but I think I may have misunderestimated the strange little puss...

Ponita in Real Life said...

Don't let Dolly tell Lila about sports! I have enough trouble keeping Lila away from the window when the birds are flocking to the spruce tree out front. The last thing I need is her flinging herself at the tv because of all the sporty animals on there! ;-)

Glen said...

you answered my question at "writer" :-D

Caleb said...

At first when I read this I thought "Am I just still drunk this morning or what?" But then I started to get it. It was the cat, all along. With a lisp. Awesome. I wish my cat had a lisp- your cat makes animal disabilities seem so trendy.

Also, "So do we have time? Just a quick one before you're off doing whatever it is you do?"

Can I borrow that today?

Caleb

PS thanks for checking out my blog- having a comment from "The Pearl" is pretty awesome.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I hate it when I ask my cat a question, and he gives me a disgusted look, just long enough to exhale smoke in my face ....

Oilfield Trash said...

Kansas huh? hmm it's a shame my bracket was already filled out, but Kansas is pretty good.

jenny_o said...

I love a good cat lithp.

By the way, how is the no-smoking going? Feel free to brag :)

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I love me some Dolly Gee and her lithpy ways! :) (And also The Jayhawks, but the band not the uh....other thing)

Also thanks for the fact I've now got "It Goes On and On" stuck in my head on rotation. I'm going to go play it now in the hopes it will calm down.

Douglas said...

I envy you your cats. Mine were all lazy, good-for-nothing, tuna demanding layabouts. I take them in, give them a good home and the best years of my life and they gave me... what? Fleas! That's what!

Ungrateful little twerps. And not one good story from the lot of them.

Casey Freeland said...

That makes for a wild weekend! I can't help it. The entire list seems like the description of an S & M movie. Have fun!

Cheers,

Casey

Barbara Blundell said...

Am concerned about the smoking Did it make her crotheyed ? It did me. Those patches are very good although she would have to shave all her fur off to use them but think it would be worth it in the end

John McElveen said...

Wish You Were Here by Pink Floyd- So cheesy on a Post-Card, but oh so real in life when you have great friends~~~

Have a Super Duper Weekend!


J

Joanna Jenkins said...

Very fun. We're UCLA fans here so we picked the Bruins too ;-)
Have a great weekend, jj

Susan in the Boonies said...

Thoot. Theth a dumb cat. What the heck doth thee know?

Gigi said...

March Madness extends beyond the borders of North Carolina? Who knew? Basketball was NEVER on my radar until we moved here and, technically, it's still not. You must tell Dolly Gee that the "real" money to be made is in football. At least that's what I hear because, technically, that's not on my radar either.....

Jimmy said...

Wait.. hold on here. Dolly is a cat? For the love of the Christ fella himself, I'll never understand Americans, or women come to that.

Ponita in Real Life said...

@Jimmy: That's a given, isn't it??? ;-)

Pearl said...

The Jayhawks (the band) do, indeed, rock.

And the no-smoking thing? Thanks for asking! I've not had a cigarette in -- well, let's see. Sunday will make seven weeks. :-)

Pat Tillett said...

Oh that Dolly! there must have been a splash of sunlight on the floor where she landed! They can't pass one by you know...
GREAT story Pearl!

Amanda said...

You are lucky that your cats will expend the effort to actually gamble. Mine just smoke and make a mess of the house. I may have to send mine to your house to learn a work ethic.

becca said...

Wow this is an awesome post

Crystal Pistol said...

I awoke on Easter morning of my 12th year and found the family cat giving birth on my pillow. I had not even known she was expecting!

Panther was not a smoker. For that I can be grateful. True story.

Hilary said...

Silly kitty. Doesn't she know that smoking will stunt her mrrrowth?

I actually stopped by here before but got lost when I clicked on the Donovan song which led me to searching for an old favourite by him. I found it. The Intergalactic Laxative. It brought me waaaay back to my teen years.. thanks for that.

jenny_o said...

Good on you for the seven weeks not smoking - I salute your persistence and hope it is getting somewhat easier with time.

Symdaddy said...

Ya know, it don't matter how early I get here, I'm always the last to comment!

Zac (my kitty) sends his regards to Dolly and would like to remind her that it's her turn to host the poker night (which I haven't told you about, ok?) and to provide snacks.

Oh yeah! And he wants his pen back!

My boy Sym says if you have trouble with those pesky critters (Dolly & Liza Bean Bitey), he'll gladly come and woof at them for free ... or for a garlic sausage if you insist.

I, on the other hand, would like to apologise for my tardy response to this, once again, excellent post and would like to congratulate you on placing your order of the Suckidup home liposuction kit, which has been despatched to you this very day.

My head hurts!

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Loved this! And there's badgers in there? Good grief woman, we're practically RELATED! Indigo

Pat said...

It's insidious but it's happening: cats are taking over blogland.