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Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Rightie Lives! or Beyond the Pair: The Lost Glove Story

In a move that has stunned Minneapolis neighborhoods, area gloves have congregated together in what many perceive to be the first indication of spring.

The gathering of lost gloves began as a way of reconnecting.

“It was sad, really,” mumbled an un-named ski glove. “Here we’d been instrumental in keeping a hand warm and suddenly we’re on the streets, being pushed around by snow plows.”

“I’d lost hope,” opined a glove identified only as “Rightie”. “One minute I’m part of a team, you know, watching the other glove forced to pick up litter by our bus-riding overlord when we were casually removed to go digging through her purse and fell unnoticed to the curb. You can imagine my dismay when she got on the bus without us. I was lost! Lost!”

Many of the gloves tell the same story: forgotten on laps and dumped upon standing, left behind at bus stops, fallen from overstuffed bags, they are forced to live on the streets, turning to each other for structure, some resorting to anonymous, one-off hand jobs to provide the protection against the cold that they were designed to provide.

“I spent three days with a homeless man before he, too, lost me,” shudders a cashmere driving glove who refuses to give her name. “All I wanted was to do what I was manufactured to do. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong to give warmth? Is it?” It is here that the glove turns away, sobbing.

Those fearful, single days are over, thanks to two gloves with a dream: to find their mates.

“We’re going to stand up!” shouts one working glove. “We’re saying ‘no more! not while I have fingers!”

In other news, large gatherings of cigarette butts and discarded candy wrappers have gathered just outside of the circle of streetlamp light on the corner of Broadway and Buchanan.

Their spokesman, an empty Yoohoo bottle, hints at big things come the true thaw.

37 comments:

Bossy Betty said...

Such a warm, cozy story! Hurrah! Hurrah!!

Joshua said...

This reminds me of undergrad in Michigan. We would play frisbee golf in the snow and have to wait for the thaw before reclaiming the lost bees. Good times.

laughingmom said...

Damn! I thought that Rightie had finally given up on that street wallking life and had come home to greener pastures...

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I admire the spirit of those gloves and mittens. I'm hoping to find a missing USPS package under the snowbank next to my front steps. But it's four feet deep and on the north side of the house, so it will be a while.

Pearl said...

I can see a newspaper frozen onto the north side of the front steps but it will be a good week before I can pull it out of the drift!

haphazardlife said...

Those poor poor gloves. What a terrible waste of function.

John McElveen said...

BWAHHHHHHHHHHHHH HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

Tears of joy that Gloves FIT right in!!!!

u r da best!

John

George said...

Can anyone say Pulitzer? (How about spell it, 'cause I'm not sure.)

Simply Suthern said...

Where do you get the seeds to grow gloves like that.

Susan in the Boonies said...

This is the kind of hard hitting journalism that really takes the gloves off (...wait...) and comes out swinging.

Thank God for Rightie not being "Left" Behind.

Oilfield Trash said...

I used to actually go looking for weird shit in the thawing snow when I was kid. I always wanted to find a body or a zippo lighter. Instead I always found toys and trash. Never a dead hooker with a purse full of cash.

Lazarus said...

You resisted the temptation (or maybe you just didn't have one) to position one of the gloves with the middle finger extended. I don't think I would've been so classy! Funny post... PS I wonder if any of them are friends with my missing socks...

Jeannie said...

True brilliance

Sausage Fingers said...

I guess that's why my mum sewed my gloves into my coat years ago.

Andrew Green said...

Hey, the second one on the lower right row is mine!

Eva Gallant said...

You have such a clever mind! Love it!

Steve Gravano said...

Excellent, can you help me find my missing socks now.

Pat Tillett said...

"...some resorting to anonymous, one-off hand jobs."

I suppose that when situations turn dire, a glove does what it must to survive...

Great post Pearl!

Tracy said...

THis is quite comical...I just love your sense of humor on a day when I am mourning having to go back to work on Friday~

Jhon Baker said...

I feel weird that I was so happy to read that your gloves were back together.

jabblog said...

You'll have to wear your gloves on elastic threaded through your sleeves . . .

swenglishexpat said...

I have just had some great news regarding a relative of mine, a survival story, and now I read this wonderful post of yours, full of your usual wit supported by that hilarious photo. Love it. You made me some extra icing on my cake. Thank you Pearl!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

We've got single gloves looking for life partners all over our laundry room right now.

The Jules said...

It's touch on the streets, where you go from respectable glove to being nothing more than a hand sock.

Revenge Of The Flipper Kids said...

I for one am devastated that Rightie hasn't yet come home to his (her?) grieving family. But I still have hope! I mean the fact he was quoted in an article means he's doing ok, right? Also, can I come to the reunion party?

Donnie said...

My everyone is disgruntled with the cold weather. So sad...lol...

SeaD said...

Oh I am giddy with joy that Rightie is safely home. Ask her if she met up with my lovely green scarf, while out on the streets. She was my first, and during this harsh Seattle Winter, I could really use her back.

Pointy Pix said...

what I'm about to say I normally hate with a passion but really there is no other way to describe how I felt on reading this. So, here goes - LOL, ROFL, LMAO!! Really - you are too funny!

Linda Myers said...

One-off hand jobs. It amazes me how you come up with this stuff.

Gigi said...

Priceless, Pearl! Simply priceless! Here's hoping Rightie can make it home after the thaw!

Pat said...

Off topic: of course your cat and Ponita's can't be related. I had forgotten you lived in different countries. Silly me!

mrwriteon said...

Do single gloves hang out with missing socks at all? Oh, and did you ever find my 'other' leather driving glove?

Kal said...

It's tough to be a glove in these harsh times. I know this because I have a love affair with the mittens at this time of year. I can only imagine the pain and yearning involved. Long live the great thaw and long live the winter glove.

Hermanturnip said...

BWAhahahaha! Easily one of your top 25 most entertaining works. I don't have enough exclamation points to convey how much I enjoyed this post!

River said...

I love how your mind works!
I really enjoyed the laugh I got from this.

Willoughby said...

There should be a non profit organization to help misplaced gloves and mittens.

John McElveen said...

PS: Always check the GLOVE BOX in the Car!

J