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Saturday, March 26, 2011

Really, I Shoulda Seen It Coming

There are things that fall outside of our personal expectations.

You know, the stuff that happens to other people in other places but certainly not to us.

Well, to you, maybe. But certainly not to me!

What's that? What kinds of things? Oh, I don't know... Coffee breath, warts, wrinkles, undignified medical conditions, legal and illegal things that shall remain nameless.

Scary things.

The kinds of things that come with living to adulthood.

If you are like me – and I see no reason to believe that you are not – you, too, assumed that these things would never happen to you, not necessarily because you didn’t deserve them but because somehow you are different.

How deluded we've been, you and I.

These are in no particular order.

Seriously.

Stretch Marks: This one surprised me. Silly, when I think about it, since I was a good seven months pregnant when I first saw them… Caught the full picture in a three-way mirror at Sears whilst looking for something – anything! – that would fit. I burst into tears and came out of the room asking my boyfriend, “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He knew exactly what I was talking about. “I figured you had enough problems,” he shrugged.

Cellulite: Ah. Another condition I thought would not happen to me. People with cellulite are fat, aren’t they? Or lazy? Or – what was I thinking, anyway? I don’t remember, but I never expected to have dimples on my butt. Oh, well. No use in fussing about it. Others may think of it as “hail damage”, but I prefer to think of it as Braille for the blind boyfriends I’ve yet to meet. I’m sure they’ll thank me.

Gingivitis: Any time you go to the dentist and they suggest that you have work done in either two sessions (half a mouth at a time) or four sessions (quarter sections of the mouth at a time), you know you’re in for Big Fun. Having dental work done in shifts is the kind of suggestions you’ll hear when your dentist diagnoses gingivitis.

All I can say is: Listerine, kids. Listerine.

Practical Shoes: Despite the continued ability to run in three-inch heels, I’ve found that I have become more interested in comfort and practicality than how great those heels make my legs look. I now wear my beautiful heels only at work, not while getting there. I leave that bit of foolishness to the youngsters.

Carry on, Next Generation! Calluses and bunions await you!

Loss of Love for the Horror Movie: This I place squarely on the sloped shoulders of the movie industry. I love a good horror movie. Come on! I dare you! Freak me out! But the movies lately? Pails full of blood hurtled toward the camera or repeated filmed examples of sadism do not make things scary. I can’t remember the last truly scary movie I saw, although I have seen a number that just made me leave the room in disgust.

Beans and Other Gas-Producing Vegetables: Earlier in life I had assumed that this was a joke. I’ve come to find out that it’s not. You can take my word for it or you can learn it for yourself. The lesson I’ve learned? A bowl of chili for lunch prior to a late-afternoon yoga session is a bad idea.

Looking at this list, I think I've found the common link in these things; and here it is: the whispered stories of what lies ahead are true.

The generation ahead of us – what do they know that we don’t?



Ooh. There’s a horror movie for you: “I Know What’s Going to Happen To You”.

Now that’s scary.

45 comments:

ellen abbott said...

you forgot hair in unwanted places.

vfh159 said...

Just wait until you have to learn the really rapid bathroom walk or you'll pee yourself. Have fun! Depends or Always, hmmm?

Sioux said...

And the breasts that become divining rods, instead of remaining perky pillows.

And the occasional stray hairs between the nose and mouth (do not say that "M" word) that becomes long and wiry and white, and manages to elude any tweezer that dares to stalk it...

David L Macaulay said...

ear hairs - now that's the scariest one for sure.

Kara said...

Beans & yoga! I had to learn that one the hard way too!

Camille said...

Oh honey - I don't wish to frighten you or ruin your weekend, so perhaps it's best I take a pass on the comment today. Well, except for this; Aging is just wonderful - full of kittens and unicorns and fairy dust! Must go take my medication now. *twitch*

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Maybe I'm just a caveman but I enjoy my gas. It makes me feel better, it feels good and I love the sound it makes. It drives The Daughters crazy so I try to spare them.

Eva Gallant said...

This post and the comments were hilarious! Made for a great Saturday! Thanks for the laughs!

Leenie said...

I can always depend on Pearl and her commenters to help me start the day with a smile. Good ones, all creepy and true.

Except I thought yoga and farts just went together no matter WHAT one ingests before. Braille for blind boyfriends LOL!

Susan in the Boonies said...

Oh, Lordy, Lordy!!! It's TWUUU!!!! It's all TWUUU!!!
The things you laugh at on other people come knockin' on your door!!! Who am I kidding? They don't knock. There's nothin' polite about them. They just bust on in, like they own the place.

"Hail damage". LOLOLOLOL!!! I got left out in the storm!!! That's my issue!!!

I learned about the dangers of beans while in college, on choir tour, standing on the risers singing with the chorus after the church had fed us a baked bean laden potluck.The noxious, sulfurous, nostril-singeing odor slowly rose and hung like the heavy fogs of London over the entire group, as we faced the audience. Tears started rolling out of the eyes of those around me as the guy behind me whispered, "Who died?".

I've gotta blog about this...

Daisy said...

:-D this is one of those laughing out loud and squirting coffee through my nose posts. Fortunately, the coffee missed the computer ... mostly because my sagging breasts blocked the spray.
Thanks for a great start to the day!

Pearl said...

At what age do you suppose I'll start running the lipstick outside the lip line????

The comments are killing me. :-)

lime said...

sweet fancy moses, you got that right! horror film indeed!

kim said...

Enjoying your posts, keep 'em coming.

Oilfield Trash said...

That would be a scary movie.

Kipp said...

Butt Braille...nice.

I knew things were getting out of hand when I had to start using tweezers for things other than splinters and small scissors for things other than clipping the occasional hang nail.

I now understand shaving "kit".

Kevin Musgrove said...

And there's Running Water Bladder to contend with.

And I've been told I've not to say anything about tattoo creep.

ThreeOldKeys said...

Ouch and Ha Ha. They go together, don't they? I "know someone" who recently put tweezers in the glove compartment. Because that dern sunlight reveals the one hair that Must Go Now. Don't worry, she doesn't use them at stoplights.

Also the same person used to enjoy an occasional glass of chocolate milk. But ... um ... there was pressure later. Much pressure. So now she buys the lactose-free, non-fat, omega 3, cage free, Vitamin D, calcium-fortified, ultra-pasteurized stuff produced by volunteer dairy cows in sunny dells of organic grass.

Bouncin' Barb said...

When you need to push on the table top to get up from your seat in the restaurant because your knees have no push left in them. And also when you keep saying, "what?" So far I think we've all covered it. Great post.

lisleman said...

Yes that movie would be scary. The cellulite Braille would be good for a dark bar at 2 AM. "As I gently ran my fingers across her cellulite..." You may have given me an idea for a screenplay or at least a scene in your horror flick.

vanilla said...

braille? (:-P)

Casey Freeland said...

See "Let Me In". It is gory, but is also a terrific story.

Cheers,

Casey

jenny_o said...

Wait till your memory starts to go . . . and your offspring starts calling you on it :)

Or you start seeing funny things in the grocery store like Chicken Butts instead of Chicken Parts and in the newspaper like Escaped Rubber instead of Escaped Robber . . . at least this can be amusing.

Great post!! And comments too!

HumorSmith said...

What can I say? What? I'm sorry, can you blog louder please? This made me laugh loud enough to disturb my cat.

Nick Ward said...

There's also the simple far that three drinks is now a "big night" and will give you a hangover. Young me is laughing at older me right now.

Douglas said...

I don't understand... aren't cheeks supposed to have dimples?

I am denying all of those things you mentioned. Mostly because I am male and that's what we do. But also because they don't apply to males. Take the "bean effect", for instance. We never hid that, often reveled in it.

Ricky Shambles said...

Brilliant post. And halfway to 40 (from 30, that is) I'm discovering some of those for myself. I counted on gray hair, but never thought it would become this thin (I missed the gene that made my father begin balding at 18). And I guess I've always enjoyed farting.

As for movies, Hard Candy is more of a thriller, but intense. And if you can get your hands on the Aussie flick The Loved Ones, it will absurdly scare the crap out of you. My daughter and I are riding the "Scare me I dare you" bus together.

stephanie said...

This cracked me up! The first two have already gotten to me... now I not so anxiously await the rest. Minus the scary movies- I don't do those.

Jonas said...

Can't type...laughing too hard...ribs hurt!

Linda O'Connell said...

Granddaughter lying lovingly in the crook of my arm,gazing up at me, screamed, "HAIR Nana, Hair. In your NOSE!"
Oh yeah,every now and then I get a wild hair.

Kate Mohler said...

Don't forget adult acne. :-(

Gigi said...

What can I say that hasn't already been (cleverly) said? Maturing (not aging mind you) is not for sissies, that's for sure!

Lynn said...

Congrats on your book!

Amanda said...

The most delightful thing I've learned in my advancing age is that the amount of gas and the odor of gas can be manipulated by my diet. This is a fantastic when you have boys and need to be able to take revenge on them.

River said...

What about sitting by the computer for more than a few hours and then walking about hunched over because you can't straigten up?

Belle said...

Yep, I have all the things you mentioned and more.
I do remember feeling insulted when my body first started acting strangely. Like I couldn't rely on it any more. But you get used to it. I'm pretty pumped when I can walk around Walmart without my knee buckling.

Antares Cryptos said...

This is why I'll never get a tattoo, because at some point I would have to explain what it was or where it used to be.

Tgoette said...

Great stuff, Pearl! I'm pushing 50 and know all too well the slippery slope leading to that spiral abyss of decrepitude. You nailed it perfectly my friend!

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Oh, my....so many ways that they were right, and we never thought it would happen to us, the blessed generation of eternal youth. The eyes that see nothing smaller than billboard type when shopping, the gray hair that seems to appear from nowhere, the jowls which look remarkable like dad's, the upper arms which resemble grandma's. I have found those elderly body parts which I found so disgusting on older others in my youth are the exact ones I see in the mirror now. Payback?

Cake Betch said...

I can absolutely relate to this! My parents always said, "It'll happen to you!" and I knew that it WOULD but I had no idea how quickly it would happen. I would have been just fine staying 24 forever. SIgh.

Mother Mayhem said...

BWAHAHA.

Want to talk stretch marks? Sweetums weighed 13 lbs. 3 1/2 oz. and was 24" long. ;o)

I have a hair that grows out my right nostril. It's silver. The first time I noticed it was out in public. I was hoping everyone just thought it was a really cool nose ring. Snort.

On My Soapbox said...

All I know is that you should not eat chili before your annual gynecological exam....

Tammy said...

Oh, they're not only so true, but so timely! I just made the mistake of looking at the backs of my legs. I sure won't be doing THAT again!!

Joshua said...

The braille comment made me think of this Regina Spektor song called "Braille": Braille (watch the video rather than read the lyrics since, for some reason, the lyrics in this link don't actually include the word braille).

John McElveen said...

This is why you are a Comedic genius!

J