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Monday, March 28, 2011

Paralyze One Forehead, the Second Forehead is Free!

I get packets of coupons in the mail. You know the kind: coupons for restaurants; coupons stating that you can buy bread and the mustard is free; coupons for books for children; coupons for male escort services.

OK. Not that last one.

But I’m waiting.

So I was leafing through the coupons, seeing if there was anything I could use in there, when I came upon one that not only made me stop and actually look at it, but one that made me frown with concentration.

Which might’ve been its intention.

“Put Your Face in Hands You Can Trust!”

What?

“Are You Thinking about Botox? Wrinkle Fillers? Peels? Permanent Cosmetics?”

Yes! Yes, I am thinking about that!

“Call for a Free Consultation with a Registered Nurse and Aesthetics Specialist! Mention This Ad and Get $12.00 off (per Unit) of Botox!”

Twelve dollars off, you say. And just how many “Units” am I away from the unlined visage of my youth? Tell me, my little Registered Nurse and Aesthetics Specialist! How many units do you think I’ll need until I am unable to make that “WTF” face I make when confronted with, say, coupons for Botox injections in the “Dear Occupant” portion of my junk mail?

There’s also a BOGO (buy one, get one) on “wrinkle fillers”.

Wrinkle fillers: the natural enemy of the wrinkle.

Well, shoot! Why buy one when you can buy one and get one free? I'd be a fool not to take advantage of this! Where's my purse...

Hell, I'm so excited I'm thinking of doing extra frowning today...



Call now! Your initial consultation is free!

48 comments:

Jingle said...

awesome information..

Simply Suthern said...

Funny, They were advertising that on the radio this morn. Either two Botox treatments for you or bring a friend. A $45 value. How do you go about telling someone they need to stick poison in their head on your dime to make them look better. Come on friend please, you need to do this for me so you wont be so hard on my eyes.

Sausage Fingers said...

I am working on my male escort flyer, what do you think.
Like Sausage??? we have 10 for the price of 8.
Don't wait this offer will not last
call today and make an appointment for your own
personal sausage massage....
offer not valid in Minnesota (weather)

Pearl said...

jingle, I do it for the kids. :-)

Simply, I'm picturing picking up a friend for lunch and popping by for a quick injection of botulism...

Pearl said...

Sasage, no where in the U.S. of A. do we need more sausage mausages than here in Minnesota.
Ack. I can't believe I just typed that. :-)

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

A local surgeon was offering a "Buy one breast implant, get one free" for the month of January. Seriously. Cracked me up.

Belle said...

Very funny thing to get in the mail!
Now that I know Botox is the reason Nicole Kidman never ages, I think I'd be interested. If only it could take off thirty pounds of fat!

Cheeseboy said...

$12 off?! Why that's a flat out steal of a deal! You'd be crazy to pass that up. Does it come with a time share in San Diego too?

Pat said...

I wouldn't touch it with the end of a gondolier's barge pole. I believe it hurts like hell and you have to keep doing it and chances are you'll end up with trout mouth.

laughingmom said...

EWWW! Needles full of poison in your face...and wrinkle fillers reminds me of wall spackle.Do you think they apply it from a caulk gun?

Susan in the Boonies said...

Do it!!! With Mary!!!! I can't wait to hear the "tell all" on what it was like for the two of you to do this.

(I used to do this in grade school, too. Push my friend in front of me and tell HER to do it first, when I was too chicken to.)

Douglas said...

Did they have a testimonial from Nancy Pelosi?

I am jealous, you get all the good mail. Well, you and my sister-in-law. She gets pseudo Viagra offers (all organic!) as well as prostate health product flyers. I just get credit card offers and (lately) Medicare supplement insurance ads.

Jimmy said...

I have an undertaker acquaintance who used to do offers on cut price funerals. Sometimes he'd even use the same hole twice.

You couldn't make it up...

Oilfield Trash said...

Well at least you found one that you could blog about.

Jhon Baker said...

I think allowing someone else to put poison in my body is a terrible thing. I'd prefer to do it myself. Since I could only get a hold of botox the old fashioned way - I think it better to live with my expressions and oft contorted face.

Leenie said...

Man I've worked too long to put character in this face. This face says "experience." This face says "been there, done that, got the wrinkles." This face looks like a lost basset hound. Good thing I'm behind it so it doesn't scare me except in the semi darkness of the bathroom at night.

Yeah, lets all go for face poison and needles. You first.

Fragrant Liar said...

I'd much rather get those types of ads than the penis enlargement ones I get on a regular basis. How 'bout a two-fer-one on the johnsons, eh?

Daisy said...

This brought me back to one of my favourite cartoons. Two dogs are talking: "Actually, I'm a Shar Pei, but I got the botox?

I looked it up and it's at:
http://www.andertoons.com/cartoon/4317/

I've seen women on tv who have obviously had "the botox" and they look terrible to me. I'm with Leenie - every wrinkle is a precious reminder of past adventures!

mapstew said...

If you book my band for your wedding we'll do your next wedding for free! :¬)

@Pat; Botox is intended for people with wrinkles and frown lines, none of which appear on your beautiful face! :¬)

xxx

jenny_o said...

Pearl, your blog is like a BOGO deal - first we get your great post, then we get all the great comments. Flattery, yes, but sincere, and doesn't that make it okay? :)

jenny_o said...

Um, except for the "buy" part. We don't even have to do that. So I guess it would be GOGO - get one, get (another) one. A super deal!

mrwriteon said...

Definitely do the frowning to make the whole thing worthwhile.

Pearl said...

Green Girl, that’s pretty funny!

Belle, they got something for everything these days, and I have to admit I miss my 20-year-old face – on the other hand, I will never miss my 20-year-old brain!

Cheeseboy, I believe it comes with a bridge. :-)

Pat, I promise you I have no plans for plastic surgery. SOMEone’s got to play the old ladies in community theater, and it might as well be me!

Laughingmom, perhaps a trowel!

Susan, you are so much fun. :-) I’ll have to talk to Mary about this. In a good mood, I’ll bet we could riff on the topic for a good 20 minutes.

Douglas, No, but I did get a coupon from the current Speaker of the House to buy 10 tanning sessions and get one free. :-)

Jimmy, no it’s the stuff that is actual that most blows our minds…

Oilfield, material is everywhere.

Jhon, too true! If I’m going to be poisoned, I prefer to do it myself as well!

Leenie, it’s not the wrinkles I mind, it’s the furrows. :-) My forehead says “this gal frowns in confusion”…

Fragrant, funny. I’m trying to picture any of my male friends sharing that coupon…

Daisy, this is why I love dogs. :-) Good girl!!

Mapstew, think of the money I’ll save!!

Pearl said...

Jenny, the go-go IS a great deal, isn’t it?!

Mrwriteon, makes it even more of a bargain…

Grant said...

Couldn't you just eat lots of spam and have all the wrinkles stretched out by the added fat?

Macy said...

What nobody tells you, of course, is that botox isn't going to make you look younger... you just look like an old person with a stupid botoxed face.
Or Nicole Kidman... it could go either way...

Pearl said...

Grant, as a resident of the Great State of Minnesota, Home of Spam, I have to tell you that I eat fried Spam sandwiches (on toast, with lettuce and a touch of mayo) at least three times a year and so far it's not done a thing for my complexion!

Macy, NONE of that stuff makes anyone look younger. They just look kinda of other-worldly, don't you think? Not old, not young, just kind of suspended?

Drake Sigar said...

I have a feeling you’ll end up with a real life Dr. Nick Riviera.

Eva Gallant said...

Of course, you'll post before and after photos?

a Broad said...

This made me smile which I am sure, added a wrinkle somewhere ... You go first, maybe I will try it after ..

Silliyak said...

You're perfect, don't change a thing.

Tracy said...

Falso advertisement...that's all it is; don't beleive anything they say!

be smart, and don't buy into any of it :)

secret agent woman said...

I saw a two-for-one gravesite ad. Seriously.

Gigi said...

Ummmmmm? If you aren't going to use that coupon.....

Do you think Botox will rid me of the wrinkles from the many "angry eyes" I've had to give my guys through the years?

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

I used one of those coupons for my lasik. I'm not blind yet. Good luck :)

Dan Kent said...

Well, you got me thinking: where did they come up with the name Botox anyway? So I looked it up. The name is derived from "Botulinum toxin". Now it sounds like a disease.

Wikipedia goes on to say that it "is a protein produced by the bacterium Clostridium botulinum, and is extremely neurotoxic." Ewwwwhh.

What I truly like is the beginning of the next sentence: "When introduced intravenously in monkeys," which I finish this way, "it produces the most beautiful creatures in the world!"

Well worth the money.

Flea said...

Oh stink. If only I had wrinkles to fill ...

ThreeOldKeys said...

For furrows, I use silicon caulk. Or wood filler. Sometimes spackle. They're all paintable. Just ask for help in the Home Depot cosmetic aisle.

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

That's like all the billions of billboards around here advertising liposuction. But...if I got my fat sucked away, how would I ever be able to jiggle at dances? Stupid people. Fat is good.

Sarah Melling said...

Pearl, thanks for stopping by my little drawing blog. Not sure how you found me, as you live in Wordville and I live in Picture City, but I'm glad you did. You are one really entertaining writer. I kept reading, and reading, when I should be going to sleep, for my day job as a substitute teacher. With that in mind, I have to tell you that I love your blog subtitle; we teachers secretly love a lot of those troublemakers that sit by our desks.

Tempo said...

Since I started reading your blog I need this more than most...You give me big smile wrinkles...

River said...

Want to know how to never see another wrinkle?
Break all your mirrors....

hoodyhoo said...

dude, don't go. The wrinkle filler is actually just spray cheese and IT'S NOT EVEN A GOOD FLAVOR!

Jamie said...

You can keep the botox. I need the filler for my killer parenthesis around the mouth. That's my curse. I over look the crinkles around the eyes since they are only visable when I smile -- and I usually am not beaming at myself in the mirror. If you filler-up, let us know how it goes.

Cake Betch said...

Despite the vanity I think I'll stay away from needles in my face.

Willoughby said...

There is a place near my house that advertises specials on liposuction. "Buy one treatment, get the next at 50% off or bring a friend and share the savings". If we combined that with your botox offer, you and I could rule the world (with fewer bulges and a constant look of surprise)!

Mother Mayhem said...

Snort.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! I love junk mail, tho mine is mostly electronic these days. It's odd the conclusions they come to without knowing us. You're a wrinkled frowner? Scandalous. I wish I understood this mail I got about little blue pills, or the one about the Indian Matrimonial Service. I mean, pffft! It's like they think I'm a 42-year old lonely single guy who's forgotten that you can do more than pee with it. I say again - Scandalous! Indigo