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Thursday, March 17, 2011

My One-Thousandth Post, or Hey! Come Here for a Minute!

On this, the day of my 1000th post, I spread my pale and freckled arms and pull you all in for a hug.

A platonic, writerly hug.

Except for you – you’re cute. You hang back after the others leave, yes?

A thousand posts! What started as a “hey! I wonder if I could blog…” has turned into a daily obsession, a link to friends, and even a way to maintain my grip on what is real and what is not.

I blog, therefore I am.

You’d think I’d have something special for this most auspicious of days, wouldn’t you? Ahh, but you’d be wrong. Today is just another day.

And this is just another post.



We went through a phase, my son and I, right around the time he hit 13. Suddenly, he was wearing saggy pants, making inquiries regarding diamond earrings, and developing a taste for rap.

And not just any rap, but heavy, bumpin’ braggadocio with topics ranging from drugs to love-making prowess to bitches, hoes, and other things that sound like they’d be found on a farm but are not.

Naturally, I was against it.

Not that I’d say that.

“What are they saying? What are they saying?” We sat on his bed while I examined the small print on the CD covers.

A particularly ribald bit of poetry slid past my eardrum and into my brain.

“Whoa! Boy, did you hear that? Wonder what his mom thinks, huh?”

The Boy didn’t say a word.

“Hey, you wanna dance or something? Come on! Dance with your ol’ mom!”

“MOM!” The Boy is trying to work up some indignation but is having a hard time with it. “That’s not how you dance to this.”

“Well show me how then!”

He declines.

It is right around this time that I begin to notice the downward creep of his pants. I snuck up behind him in the kitchen one day, grabbed his boxers and tugged.

“Hey!” He whirls around, backing up against a wall.

“Oh, I’m not supposed to do that?”

“No!”

“Then why is your underwear hanging out?”

The Boy sighs heavily. “That’s just the way it is.”

It’s hard, raising a mother.

The next day, however, is the same scenario. Music thumping, I step into the kitchen to find him frying bacon and eggs.

“Didn’t we hear this song yesterday?”

“Mom, this is new.”

“Weird,” I murmur. I pause for a moment. “Hey, did I ever play that Buddy Rich/Gene Krupa album for you?”

He stares at me.

“Seriously. When this –“ and I wave my hand at his boom box “—is over, let’s go in the basement, hit the turntable.”

“Mom,” he shakes his head, almost sadly, perhaps wondering why it is that he’s just now noticing how dense I am. “No.”

Feigning sorrowful resignation, I walk past him, only to notice that his pants are, once again, sagging.

I stick my index finger in my mouth, make a great deal of noise getting it wet, grab the back of his tee-shirt, and quickly slide my finger down the crack of his ass.

The Boy jumps as if hit with a bucket of ice water.

“MOM! Gaaah! What are you doing?!!!”

I am laughing. “Boy, you keep wearing your pants like that, I’m going to have to jam my finger down your butt crack.”

“I’m sorry,” I say, wiping tears of laughter off my face, “but that’s the way it is.”

The Boy scooted around the house for the next couple days like a dog with an itch, careful that his back was never to me. He ate less. He took to muttering under his breath. Dark bags formed under his shifting, wary eyes.

I got him a couple times, despite his heightened awareness, usually after shouting “Hey! Come here a minute, would ya?”; and soon all it took was the sound of me slurping on my index finger to send him skittering out of the room, yanking at his pants and grumbling something about Child Protective Services.

It was a Friday, I believe, when his friend Sean came over. Sean, too, had discovered his inner gangster, and between the two of them they were a matched pair of saggin’ drawers, oversized tee-shirts, and “yo-yo-yo”s.

Shortly before they are set to leave for Sean’s house, I enter the kitchen.

Sean is bent over, his face deep inside in our refrigerator.

I can feel the look steal over my face. Inside, I am laughing crazily. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna do it…

Grinning maniacally, my eyes are on Dylan as he walks in from the living room.

“Hey,” I say quietly. I lift my right hand, make a show of folding my fingers to leave just the index remaining, put it in my mouth: thhhhhhhhhhhppt. Holding the wet finger aloft, I take my first step toward the unsuspecting boy at the fridge…

“MOM!! NOOOOOOOO!”



Sean never knew how close he came to having my wet finger crammed down the crack of his pants.

And it was shortly after this incident that I noticed The Boy had stopped wearing his pants so low.

Perhaps I’m imagining things, but I like to think I had a hand in that decision

85 comments:

Anonymous said...

Perhaps a 'finger' in his decision.

Pearl said...

:-) Perhaps.

Kara said...

OMG! You have me laughing! I've never heard of a wet willy used quite that way before! Talk about creative parenting skills!

Glen said...

:-D see if one of my mates had a hot mum that was prepared to shove a finger there - I'd be round there all the time!!

I'm from a different generation though!

bruce said...

awesome!

oh and congrats on just another day, just another post...

but hi.lar.i.ous...as always...

That Baldy Fella said...

Congratulations on the big 1000! In the spirit of the blog, this is just another comment...

Joshua said...

Sounds like something my mom would have done. One thought: How is it that people still wear their pants this way? A little retrospection: why is it that I used to do that same kind of shit, but now I see someone wearing their clothes this way and just want to insult them so they try to run after me but trip over their saggy pants?

Simply Suthern said...

Been there, Didnt do that.

I did hook a belt loop and pull them up a few times.

LMAO that is hilarious.

Hate the music hate the style.
Hmmm, didnt my parents say that.

Simply Suthern said...

Oh , How could I forget. Happy 1000th blog. I hope you're around when I hit 1000 in 2041.

George said...

I have to try this on my nephew.

Pearl said...

Yeah, honestly I do not see the attraction in making your legs appear to be a foot and-a-half long...

Oilfield Trash said...

Hilarious post Pearl.

Congrats on the 1000th post.

Camille said...

Congratulations Pearl! So proud - 1000 posts is a fantastic achievement. Wishing you (and us) at least 1,000 more.

PS: Exposed crack wet willie - must remember that one. However, is wearing a latex surgical glove permissible? I'm thinkin' the wet finger in naked crack aftermath could be kind of...eww*

Pearl said...

Camille, thank you for bringing that up. :-) I was wondering if I should mention that...

Frankly, I never got too much of a finger down his crack -- they're remarkably quick at that age, aren't they? Still, I did wash my hands afterward. :-)

haphazardlife said...

Um... ugh.

I am currently wavering between shuddering in horror or laughing my head off. I have yet to decide what it will be. Congrats on your 1000th post.

- Jazz

Boom Boom Larew said...

Those are some mad parenting skills, Pearl! I bow to your ingenuity. On second thought, maybe I better not bow. You might be behind me.
Congratulations on reaching the 1000 post milestone!

Boom Boom Larew said...

Oh... and congrats on being a lert. I just ordered my copy!

Bossy Betty said...

Time to write a parenting book!

Congrats on your 1000th post! Woooooo!

Louisiana Belle said...

OMG, laughing hysterically here! I do believe you had a hand/finger in making him see how ridiculous his choice of attire was. Getting mad would only make the pants go lower probably. Pearl, you are one of a kind!

Big Fat Gini said...

I am creeping closer to that stage every day with our oldest. Oh God. I'm terrified. My child is possibly the whitest, nerdiest, 11 year old on the planet. Picturing him with saggy pants, listening to anything other than Weird Al makes me cringe.

But, if it does happen, I will look back fondly on this, your 1,000th post, and remember your strategy.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Congratulations on the big 1000, Pearlie Girly!

=]

Susan in the Boonies said...

Wow: hoping I'm the one you asked to hang back, because I think you're cute, too. Please take your index finger out of your mouth, however, because you're making me nervous.

The Angry Lurker said...

....definitely a wet finger, very funny post and seriously damn good parenting.

Munir said...

Congratulations on your thousandth Posts . How did you manage to do that?:)

Pearl said...

Ahhh. Good. I was wondering how this one would go over. Looks like I've only alienated a couple, which isn't too shabby.

A thousand posts start with but a single one. And then you do it again. And when someone says "what happens if you run out of ideas?" you remain calm and say with as much conviction as possible "now why would I ever run out of things to say?" and then hope like crazy that you have the skills to back up such hubris.

The first 1000 have been easy. :-) It's the second 1000 that'll git ya.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

You fruity lady! I too was going to regale you with the "maybe a finger in the decision" but I see everyone beat me to it.

Next time I see a saggy panted youth I will think of this. :)

Linda O'Connell said...

Laughing like crazy! I read once that if the senior citizens would drop their drawers, the gangsta kids would hike theirs. Then again, a wet finger in the back crack might crack some old dude up. Got to be careful.

Gary Baker said...

Congrats and ewww ..

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Awesome 1000. Keep 'em coming-said wiggling that sloppy index finger your way. :)

Supergreensunbear said...

Congrats Pearl on the big 1k :)

hehe, I liked the story. My brother in law has a similar issue - it seems street is the only 'cool' social meme for a 13 year old - I'd love to see these kids living in a real 'hood' though. 2 weeks without an xbox or a proper meal a day and they'd be pulling their baggies up quicker than they would with wet finger encouragement!

lisleman said...

congrats on 1000 - I think there is an Irish expression with 1000 in it.
I know a mother's finger pointed in the direction of a time-out corner or one's room is powerful but I had never heard of this positive result from applying a finger to the right spot. Good thing you didn't carry ice cubes around.

Friko said...

You are a very BAAAAAD Mom. You really are.
atta girl, go for it.

mrwriteon said...

Please tell me I'm the guy you want to have stay after the others have gone, OK? Happy 1000 to you and virtually all of yours are as brilliant as this one which I found so funny I almost peed my pants. I am going to have to make sure I got to the bathroom before I read you.

Pearl said...

Making people wet their pants with laughter is one of my favorite things.

Lazarus said...

Congrats Pearl on the 1000th post! And what an entertaining one it was...excellent parenting advice. I'm sure you appreciate the "Pants on the Ground" song. I think you should demonstrate your technique in the video!

Grant said...

I'm pretty sure post 1,000 is best expressed with boobs. Do-over.

Pearl said...

Grant, ya weirdo. :-)

jenny_o said...

It matters not how we make our kids wish they'd never followed the latest trend, it matters only that we do :)

HumorSmith said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Eva Gallant said...

I love it! Sorta' reminds me of when my 19-year-old son was dating a stripper. I knew putting up a fuss would only make him defensive of her and strengthen their bond, so I asked him if she performed at private parties, and could we book her for our next family get-together? Strangely, the romance cooled rather quickly after that.

HumorSmith said...

That was pants-dropping funny, Pearl. Congrats on 1000!!

Also, another approach might be to tell these suburban "gangstas" the reason for low trou. In prison it's a signal meaning "I'm available".

savannah said...

congratulations, sugar! xoxoxoxo

@humor smith...amen, brother!

Douglas said...

I suspect The Boy is turning out alright. Even if he does have a strange phobia about wet index fingers.

A thousand posts and every one a winner. You are a joy and an oasis of laughter in an otherwise miserable world.

laughingmom said...

Congrats on 1000 pearl! As for your post - my son never did the baggy pants thing - mostly because we can't get him to wear anything over his boxer shorts in the first place! -at least inside our home...

Pearl said...

Thank you so much, everyone. It means a lot to me.

And Eva? Perfect. :-)

Badger said...

You are NOT old enough to know about Gene Krupa! You did WHAT with the crack of his ass?

Pearl said...

Badger, my father made sure I could identify Gene Krupa by sound alone. :-) And you have no idea how often, when I see some youngster on the street with his pants low, I have to fight the urge to shove a pencil down his crack. :-) Every day I win that fight, but some day...

Some day!!

randine said...

Congrats on the 1000th post! It was a good one!
I loved it, because I have a 13 year old son. He doesn't do the gangster thing, although his pants do sag but that's just on account of his skinniness.
But ya, it's definitely interesting having a teengager around. Especially since I still fancy myself one, at heart, and I try to connect with him. "Yo, dude, wassup?" I say.
But he just looks at me, shakes his head, all annoyed like and then starts checking his texts again.
You would think he would be happy to have such a hip mom. But maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm too hip.

becca said...

lol..to funny and congrats on the 1000th post.

happy st. patrick day

Pale Rambler said...

Congratulations on the verbosity! Wish I were as prolific, but the fiction requires too much time. Keep up the good work!

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

OMG that was funny. You might wanna be careful about slipping something into a passing butt crack on the street (or in your kitchen). "Local woman arrested for crack abuse" might not look good on your resume.

vanilla said...

I herewith nominate you for "Parent of the Year" award. Your child rearing skills are on a par with you blogging prowess, and that's pdg. btw, congrats on the 1000th post. Super...

Bambam said...

1000 posts and none that I have read are shit! That's a great effort Pearl! I can't wait 'til your son is my age (40-ish) and you and him are reminiscing about when you used to stick your finger down his butt-crack! Hahaha! xoxo

Sioux said...

I rarely laugh out loud at what I read, but the image of you slurping on your index finger made me bust a gut.

My son also went through the sagging phase. He also loved to go without a shirt, which really added to the look. Now 23, thankfully, he no longer sags to the extent he once did...

Mamma has spoken said...

All I can say is EEEWWWWW, I hope you had soap and water and hand sanitizer close by!

Stafford Ray said...

So you suppressed the need to expose underwear, but watch for the arrival home with a tat! You can't wipe that away with a wet finger! haha!

Ponita in Real Life said...

Congrats on your 1,000th post!!! Yay, YOU! And if everyone did that to all the young guys wearing their pants too low, that fad would end in a hurry. Of course, there would probably be a whole lot of arrests too... Just sayin'. ;-)

Far Side of Fifty said...

Congrats on your 1,000 th post..you rock!
I have the Grandmotherly urge to just say "Sonny do you need some help pulling up your britches?" :)

Gigi said...

Happy 1000th Pearl! You are amazing and I love coming here every day!

And you and I? We are simpatico on the parenting gig. I mean really; if WE aren't willing to embarrass and harass our kids into pulling up their pants, then who will?

Betty Davis said...

Loved your post Pearl. All I had to survive with my teenage daughter was the Alice Cooper look! Ugh. Not sure I could survive being a mother in today's world. You could try buying him suspenders, but he would probably wear them hanging down the sides to add to the droopy look.

LV said...

That is why you have to love and guide them when younger. As they mature, so does their ways. I think is terrible how some of the young folks dress today.

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

Except for you – you’re cute. You hang back after the others leave, yes?

Me? Oh, you meant him. Damn. Then, have you got a hot friend you really don't need to see that often? ;)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

1000?!!! YOU ARE AMAZING.
Would you kindly tour the country with your finger-butt crack strategy? We've gotta get those teens to stop sagging.
xoRobyn

Kipp said...

1000 times - Congratulations Pearl!

I recognize and commend you on the success of your wet index finger technique. I would also like to urge you to keep that technique secure to the boundaries of your own home. However, if you were try it outside that boundary ... Well could you have someone video it for us?

thhhbbbbbbt
"WHAT THE...!"
=)

ThreeOldKeys said...

So is the Boy likely to become a plumber? He'll have some anxiety working under those kitchen sinks ...

HermanTurnip said...

Let me add my "Congratulations!" to the mix. This is a huge milestone! I hope to be around when you hit 2000! Woot!

Cheeseboy said...

You, my friend are a genius mom! I think this post was fitting for 1,000. Nothing like a good Mother/Son ass crack story to celebrate a blogging feat.

"Except for you – you’re cute." I can only assume you are talking about me.

On My Soapbox said...

Bahaha! I LOVE your solution to baggy saggy pants! Too funny! I wish more parents would do that. What also cracks (pun intended) me up is when they have to walk strangely (or trip) because their pants are too saggy. Can't run from the cops in pants like those.

John McElveen said...

OMG! You are the best ever! Bwaaaaahaaaa haaaaa


J

John McElveen said...

1,0000 is incredible--and all are a+

J

IndigoWrath said...

"It’s hard, raising a mother." Ha! Outstanding!

As for "cute", are you talkin' to me? ARE YOU TALKIN' TO MEEE?!

IndigoWrath said...

Oh, and congrats! We are not worthy!

hoodyhoo said...

Congrats on hitting the big 1-oh-oh-oh! And you may have created a monster: One of our bartenders at the club where we work wears his pants down low like that, and I'm always telling Chuckweasel, "I'm gonna pants the bartender," and he always says, "No, you are NOT." So, okay, now I'm not going to PANTS him...

Pearl said...

Wow! What excellent comments! Thank you, everyone. 73 comments is, far and away, the most comments I have ever had.

I love the idea of an ass-crack tour... Watch for me on the Comedy Channel soon, where I advise the nation on how to get the youth of today to cover their rear-ends...

Cake Betch said...

This had me cracking up. Gosh, I remember saggy/baggy jeans. And I also remember my mom doing the same thing to me even though I never wore them. Come to think of it, she'd stick her finger in my ear too. I think she is just crazy, I don't think there was any underlying purpose.

SeaD said...

Oh Pearl, your parenting skills are priceless, and so funny. Congratulation on 1000 rockin posts. You are one of the TOP bloggers I look forward to reading, and the ONLY one who writes every day. That alone is amazing!

Caleb said...

"It’s hard, raising a mother."

Your writing awesomeness sneaks up on me...

Nice, Pearl!

Caleb

John McElveen said...

From Parachute pants- to Ass crack--we ass as Society ware progressing! And the fact that I'll FOREVER be 200 posts BEHIND you---(I feel safer back there-LOL) is OK by me!

J

C said...

Ahhh! That made me giggle like you would not believe! You really are an excellent writer! Thanks for commenting on my blog so that I could have the opportunity to read this excellent stuff!

Pat Tillett said...

Maybe not a whole hand, but at least a finger! I hope you washed that finger between object lessons!

We have five kids, 4 girls, one boy. (all grown now). Now that all is said and done, I think i'd rather have had 5 boys who sagged their jeans, rather then the 14,523 emotional meltdowns and drama fests that we were exposed to by the 4 girls...

Just another great post and story Pearl! you are awesome...

The Retired One said...

I am sadly behind in my blog reading, so I am just now wishing you congrats on your 1000+ blogpost..so happy you decided to start with that first one and that you continue to make us laugh on a daily basis.

Symdaddy said...

1000 eh? You don't look a day over 999!

Really enjoyed this story but ... I think putting your finger into a teenagers butt crack ain't as good as dropping an ice cube down there!

Pat said...

Congrats!
What are you like?:)

24 Corners said...

Your obsession is brilliance and I'm so grateful for it (and you)!! Congratulations on the 'ten large' and here's to ten more...large that is, not just ten!
Your the best Pearl...and if anyone can disinigrate saggy pants from the world, it's you!
xo J~

Mrs. Tuna said...

Sooooooo glad I had a girl, other issues, but no ass hanging pants. Cruising by from the blog hop.