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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Might Be Time for Another Party

While you’ve heard, I suspect, enough about Mary to be able to pick her out of a crowd, you’ve not properly met Maryna.

You remember Maryna, don’t you? She’s the one with the herring/beet/potato salad, offered to you here, at her request, with the words “Tell them “try”. Ees very good.”

She’s also the one who believes that my car is, and I quote, “a piece of sheet”.

To her credit, the woman speaks the truth. In many ways, it is a piece of sheet, and I do not take offense to an honestly spoken opinion.

There are two things you must know about Maryna: 1.) she is Ukrainian and 2.) she knows how to party.

Let us go back, shall we, to the last party I had: Misfit Christmas.

Ahh, Christmas. Remember how excited we were that there would be plenty of snow?

What were we thinking?

But it was all so much fun. There was the Dice Game where we gave away and then stole back gifts. There were platters of food covering every available surface. And there was Dolly Gee Squeakers, who wore the evening like a crown of thorns and sprawled, catnip-fogged, on an armchair.




The party broke up around 2:15. Maryna hadn’t had a drink in two hours and we were sitting in her car, engine running, when the phone call came.

“Mom!”

Shoot. I knew I shouldn’t have answered it.

“What?”

“Mom! Hi! Hey, is the party – hey! Shut up you guys! I’m talkin’ to my mom! – Is the party still going on?”

“Nope. Ya missed it. It’s just me and Maryna sitting here and –“

“Yeah,” he breaks in. “Look, we’re all pretty drunk and I’m bringing a party home from the bar --”

“What?! No, you’re not! Wait – who’s driving?”

“Becky. It’s her turn to be sober. We’ll be there in five minutes.”

Such good kids.

“No! Wait!”

Click.

Rats.

Maryna starts laughing. “Ees good, ees like een Kiev. We parrty all night, my mom geet up and cook for us.” She pauses. “Ees enough for them leek plates in keetchen, yes?”

And then we both laugh. Let the little party-crashers lick the plates.

We are still sitting in her car when they arrive. Boy-men, their young, slender dates waiting in the car, push their faces into the windows, their breath sending up white, billowing beer-scented clouds. “Hey, Pearl! Thanks for letting us – hey! Who’s the hot chick?”

Maryna smiles, black eyes dancing. “Wot? You see hot cheek?!”

“Whoa, dude! Hot Russian chick!”

Maryna turns to me. “Maybe we go een for one more. Ees good for ego.”

And over the course of the next four hours, while we chain-smoke Virginia Slims and Maryna talks a drunk and flirtatious man I’ve known since he was eight out of a bottle of champagne, we sit on my second-floor porch, wearing boots and hats, covered in blankets, the temperature hovering around 15 degrees…

I go to bed at 6:30, as the sun comes up, leaving The Boy and Maryna out on the porch, where they continue to debate government fiscal policy and his theory on face-wrinkling and the role accents play in it.

Maryna is gone when I awake at 10:00, but there is a message on my phone:

“My dear, I loff you so moch. I tell your boy I am hungry and he mek me scrambled egg before I leave. Ees like home. I never forget.”

There is a "kiss-kiss" sound and she hangs up.

That Maryna. She does know how to party.

38 comments:

Joshua said...

First, it is all about the foreign accent. Hot. Period. End of discussion.

Second, tell Maryna: "Tak, moya mashyna shmatok lay̆na." I think I got that right (I asked a guy at work).

Vicki said...

I stumbled upon your post a couple of weeks ago! What a hoot! Love your writing and will be a follower...Thanks for the chuckles<3

Pearl said...

Joshua, privyet! She's been a complete sport about me writing about her, too, and I love her for it. I shall pass your comment along...

Vicki, how cool! Thank you!

laughingmom said...

Wish sombody mek me scrambled egg...

Douglas said...

I wish I had a hot Ukrainian girlfriend... but I don't think Faye would permit it.

Maybe Maryna means your car is 1 in 500? You know, a single unit of a ream.

lisleman said...

love how you write in an accent.
I don't understand why you were hanging out in the car.
Face wrinkling and accents now that's a subject deserving more study and maybe a grant.

Pearl said...

laughinmom, I mek you egg! But first, we drink!

Douglas, funny. :-) Ya weirdo. :-)

lisleman, the car hanging bit? Colder than hell, warming the car up and sitting, blowing cigarette smoke out the car windows...

Leenie said...

So human and so real and so funny. And the photo of Dolly Gee had me snorting and falling off my office chair (it doesn't recline). Dolly Gee needs to meet our Thomas. I'm betting high odds that she likes to lie on her back with her feet in the air.

Pearl said...

Leenie, she does. :-) Dolly Gee regularly lays on her back, watching you from upside down. She also has a piece of string that she drags around, and when she lies on her back, she arranges it over her face...

Glen said...

I'm so confused - you have a son old enough to be out? I'm sure I've missed something important - you really don't look old enough. I think I need a lie down

Pearl said...

Glen, the Boy is 26. The picture of me is three years old -- not exactly recent, but hey! I like the picture!

Bth said...

Haha, brilliant. I can really picture this wonderful Ukrainian woman - so very real. Though am slightly confused about the you having a son old enough to drink...!

Sioux said...

I agree with Glen. Even with a photo that's three years old, you don't look old enough to have a man-child who's 26.

Perhaps you convinced a 20-something girl at one of your frequent parties to pose as your "blog-double"?

Glen said...

There is no way a Mum of a 23 year old (I had to take my socks off again) looks that young.

I don't know what's in the water where you live, but if I were you I'd start selling it!

Belle said...

Great story, and I love Maryna.

Pat Tillett said...

Not only a great post, but good comments as well! The cold war robbed me hearing women with russian accents (and more)...

Happy Frog and I said...

I love all your posts but this one in particular stood out. I could just picture the scene as it played out. Maryna sounds amazing!

Ponita in Real Life said...

I think your cat and mine were separated at birth, Pearl. Check out my latest post.

Sausage Fingers said...

ees a god one. Nice pussy(cat)

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Oh God, I can't get enough of Maryna! Hilarious. And sassy. As are you. And I like sassy.

Also, Dolly Gee looks extremely comfortable and as high as James Franco on Oscar night. :)

Lo said...

That Dolly Gee is knockout gorgeous...AND LOOKS STONED OUT OF HER GOURD........where DO you get your catnip?

Vinny C said...

That cat's eyes look a little glazed over. Exactly how much did it have to drink at this party?

Eva Gallant said...

I agree: Dolly looks like she is wasted...been partying big time! Love Maryna!

Margaret (Peggy or Peg too) said...

Great post - love the accent in writing really paints that picture. Moose and squirrel is what comes to mind...but you're probably too young for that reference.

Crystal Pistol said...

I love that your car is a "piece of sheet". I hit a javalina on a dark desert highway at 2am because I was too busy car dancing to notice the rodent. Huge dent. My car looks like a piece of sheet too.

I had a Russian presonal trainre once. She always called me a "super idiot" in that sexy accent. So endearing.

Crystal Pistol said...

oops. shoulda edited first. im on vicoden at the moment. weight lifting injury. sorry 'bout that. i'm not uisually this chatty. great post, btw.

Bambam said...

Looks to me like the Pearl Girl knows how to party a little too! 6.30? Nice effort!

Sweet Cheeks said...

Dolly is the sweetest cat ever!
=]

Jhon Baker said...

good story - I was hoping for a bit more on this...

Gigi said...

I certainly hope I'm on the guest list for the next party - I would love to meet these people!

a Broad said...

I love this .. I laughed .. I sympathized and I got all teary at that sweet message from Myrna ..
She ees a goot voman .. and that Boy isn't bad either <3

Dolly looks the way I feel right now ...

Stephanie Faris said...

She sounds adorable to me!

hoodyhoo said...

And that, my dear, is proof that you raised that boy RIGHT!

Mamma has spoken said...

That's a hell of a party! Though I'm not sure why it moved to her car :o/

Almost Precious said...

Wonderful post, an enjoyable and humorous read if ever I read one.,,and that's no sheet!
The comments also are interesting...obviously made by people who actually read the blog post.
I too found Maryna a real hoot, what a delight and agree with "Margaret (Peggy or Peg too)". The accent is shades of Natasha (as in Boris and Natasha of that infamous cartoon show "Rocky and Bullwinkle"). It may have been a kiddies cartoon but it was definitely scripted with adults in mind.

Appreciate your visiting my humble little blog and I've certainly enjoyed visiting yours, so much so that I am now a new follower.

John McElveen said...

Pearl--do you still have the site address to ukranianswholiketopartymailorder.com? Wait- That's it!

I love you and this Blog! What an awesome mind you have!

John

Cake Betch said...

OMG I can't even pull all-nighters anymore! Lol

Susan in the Boonies said...

And Dolly G. Squeekers wore the evening like a Crown of Thorns.

That's poetry!

Love the picture!!!!