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Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Mary Was a Loving and Tasty Friend

The following events took place a little over two months ago. The names have not been changed as no one I know is innocent.


The house seems cooler than usual. Then again, it is a rather smallish house shrouded in a rather large-ish winter.

Within minutes, the temperature in the living room has seemingly plummeted, and we have gone from putting our coats on to trying to get the dog to sit nearer, purely for warmth.

T-Bone, Black Lab of Great Sincerity, is only happy to oblige.

“What’s going on here?” Mary stands up and wanders over to the thermostat, which she eyes suspiciously. She taps its cover with an index finger.

“Good job there, Fuzzy,” Jon says.

“Shaddap,” she says, good-naturedly. “Is it me or is it cold in here?”

Mary sits down next to me on the couch, tries to pull the dog closer. “Get yer own dog,” I mock-hiss.

“Pfffft,” she says. She pulls her coat tighter. “But seriously, Jon. It’s cold in here and getting colder.” She stands up, stares out the window at the snow drifts that have covered their sidewalk, their mail box. A thought occurs to her, one in which she indulges fully.

“Holy Hannah,” she shouts, turning around, “Do you think our furnace has gone out? We can’t afford that! What’s going on here? Where are we? What year is it? WHO’S GOT THE SIGNAL FLARES?!” Mary, cracking herself up, collapses on the dog, laughing. “We’re prolly gonna freeze to death, T-Bone,” she mutters into his ear.

Jon looks at me, winks. “The furnace didn’t go out, you hysterical female you.”

“Jon,” I say, “If we’re all gonna die anyway, what do you say we kill Mary and eat her for dinner? Would that be wrong?”

Jon stares a hole through me, possibly giving it real thought. You can never tell with him. He just may be weighing whether or not I’m serious.

Mary looks me straight in the eye, a mysterious smile playing on her lips. “There’s onions in the fridge, but we’re out of taties.”

“Out of taties!” I shout, scandalized. I pause, consider our menu options. “Any corn starch?”

“Flour,” she says. “Oh, and I haven’t exercised in months, so I’m thinking you’ll want to avoid the rump.”

There is a WHUMP sound as the furnace kicks on.

Mary, Jon, and I exchange looks as T-Bone’s tail thumps.

Standing up and shaking his head, Jon heads toward the basement. “And that’s enough of that,” he says.

27 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Theres a dog lying there, named T-Bone and the first thing you think of is eating Mary?

From what I hear of her she would taste Funny.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Donner, Party of Three, your table is ready.

Sarah said...

Mary must be your true BFF. Between every line in all the stories you write about her I can see the deep friendship oozing out.

I got behind on your posts and just caught up in one big swoop, and I have say that I thoroughly enjoyed catching up. Getting a major dose of Pearl all at once was cathartic.

Your tale-telling is superb. I cackled out loud several times. Your storytelling is evocative, descriptive, succinct and deliciously fun.

Thanks for sharing!

Cake Betch said...

I knew immediately that I was going to get a giggle from the title of the post. I think you could have at least gave her arm a nibble.

Jhon Baker said...

Smiling is an excellent way to start the day. Thank you!

Bossy Betty said...

Glad Mary is safe. (You may want to fatten her up a little before the next heat outage.)

laughingmom said...

Roasting things in the oven can provide a lot of warmth...

Oilfield Trash said...

That is flipping hilarious Pearl. I loved it.

Flea said...

The rump is probably the best part. I'm partial to thighs, myself.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

This could be a horror movie named, "When Suburbia Turns Hostile" filled with icy cold rooms, red eyed Pearl-zombies and extra sharp cutlery. Please make it!

Teresa Evangeline said...

Hilarious. Love it. The Book of Eli redone as The Book of Pearl. Run, Mary, run.

Eva Gallant said...

That was pretty funny! Love a dog named T-Bone!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Ha! Anything that starts with a thermostat skirmish is going to be filled with gripping tension and conflict.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Eating a friend is the sincerest form of flattery. On a related subject, I always used to blush when the Kentucky Fried Chicken advert (yes, in the pre-"KFC" days) mentioned breasts and thighs. I was young and impressionable. I kid myself that I still am. Indigo

Karen said...

Thanks for my giggle for the day!

Mandy's Kidding said...

This read like the opening of a Stephen King novel. You could do for Minnesota what he did for Maine!

lisleman said...

Like your disclaimer at the start.
The cold has been known to induce thoughts of cannibalism.

becca said...

great story love it

Happy Frog and I said...

Wow, this post was a bit of a trip! Made me think of Twin Peaks or some such surreal programme. I like crazy conversations, they make me very happy.

Jocelyn said...

How crazy is this? Blogger is unblocked in Turkey for ten minutes, and I happen to click on your blog?

It's like damn Christmas in March, I tell you.

So it seems like Mary might have been really tasty. I'd have started with her earlobes as hors d'oeuvres.

Pat Tillett said...

How do you ALWAYS come up with such hilarious stuff? As always, so funny and so well written!

Gigi said...

A Mary w/o taties wouldn't be worth your time.

Jamie said...

We have a black lab. Tebow. But people always assume we are saying T-bone. Both work.

Elly Lou said...

Screw the taties. Always ask about the fava beans and the chianti.

SherilinR said...

were you planning to have her raw or chef her up over an open flame?

hoodyhoo said...

that's why I make it a point NEVER to be out of taties... it's just polite.

Pat said...

I'm soooooo glad I found you:)