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Friday, March 11, 2011

If I Have One Mousie…

A bit of a re-worked pre-existing post because I went and saw Ann Patchett (author of Bel Canto, amongst many other fine books) speak last night. Just think of it: She’s paid to write.

Paid! To write!!


The iPod predictions, however, are indeed from the ride this morning...





Friday’s back, and as we seem none the worse for the wear of the week, why not blunder blithely into the golden-hued expanse of time at the end of it?

Around these parts, we call it “the weekend”.

Oh, but if only there were some way of finding out what we could expect!

But wait! Have you heard? There is!

It’s my iPod! The dulcet tones of this morning’s commute have the following to say about what lies ahead:

Early to Bed by Morphine
Road to Nowhere by The Talking Heads
I Go To Work by Us3
People Get Ready by Curtis Mayfield and The Impressions
DLZ by TV on the Radio
Colossal by Wolfmother
Hey Nineteen by Steely Dan

Hmm. Half of them did not appear on the site I usually link to. What does this mean? Normally Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is my connection regarding all things current, but that cat’s been playing with me lately and I hate to ask her…

You know Liza Bean, don’t you? Small-pawed and sharp-eyed, Liza Bean came to me by way of my mother.

“Next time you come up,” my mother had said, “I’ve got a cat for you.”

“Mom, I don’t need a cat.”

“You don’t need a cat,” she said. “You need this cat.”

And dagnabit, the woman was right again. Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is a tiny cat, a delicate cat, a stalker of string and lapper of cream. Mysteriously materializing on your lap, Liza Bean is one of those cats that make you think ‘you know, maybe I should get a cat…’

And then she steals your car.

Granted, she returns it with a full tank, which is no small thing at the current per-gallon prices, but at what cost the horror of finding half-eaten moths in the glove compartment?

Why are they in the glove compartment? And why doesn’t she just eat the whole thing?

And now, taking advantage of some I’m-running-out-of-money-and-need-to-get-back-to-work government program or another, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) has enrolled in school.

“What does this mean, though?” I ask her. “Does this mean I won't find your fuzzy butt soaking up any available pool of sun on the floor anymore?”

Liza Bean, her back leg stretched out before her, thoughtfully pulls at one of her hind claws with her teeth. “I’m thure,” she says, her mouth full, “that I don’t know what you’re inthinuating.”

“I’m insinuating that you can barely be counted on to cover your own, shall we say, leavings, let alone get up and go to school every day.”

Liza Bean’s eyes widen – and then narrow – in shock. She lowers her leg delicately. “Such talk,” she scolds.

“OK, well, I’m sorry,” I say. She is right – when did I become so thoughtless? “So what did you sign up for? What’s the plan?”

Liza Bean yawns in an exaggerated show of teeth, whiskers reaching for the walls. “Accounting.”

I stare at her.

She yawns again, the hint of a smile playing across her tiny, adorably black lips. She regards me cool-ly, deigns to elaborate. “You know. Accounting: you have two mice and I have one mice and how many of the legs will we be forced to eat to ensure we’ve both had enough for dinner?”

Now it is my turn to squint. “That sounds nauseating.”

She closes her eyes and smiles in a disturbing fashion. “Yes.”

“You’re playing with me, aren’t you?”

Eyes still closed, smile still on her lips: “Yes.”

“Are you going to tell me what classes you’re taking?”

Eyes still closed, smile disappears: “No.”

Moments later, there is the sound of light snoring. I’ve been dismissed.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is no longer taking questions.

Dang cat.

30 comments:

Sausage Fingers said...

Nice one...cats.. why..
The limes are squeezed, the tequilla is at hand and the triple-sec in on deck.
Maragarita time aka weekend
have a great one and hopefully the only ice is in the glass
cheers, Sausage...

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Ann Patchett? Author of Run? YOU LUCKY! I LOVE HER!

Pearl said...

Sausage, my friend, we are on a similar path and miracle of miracles, a high of 47 degrees is on deck for this afternoon. :-) I may lose my ever-lovin' mind.

Green Girl, one in the same! I haven't read that one yet, but I take it it's good?! :-)

mapstew said...

'Paid! To Write!!

I know what you mean. I get paid to sing.

Paid? To SING?!?

Have a great weekend! :¬)

xxx

Camille said...

Liza Bean Bitey is a cat after my own heart. Wish I had an award to honor you with Pearl (so you could so beautifully decline) but I got nothing, except of course admiration for your writing. I predict you'll get paid very good money someday and spend several weeks - perhaps months! - on the NY Times bestseller list.

Pearl said...

map, I was once a paid musician. :-) It's true! How I wish I'd never left. Have fun at the gig tonight, and easy around that guitar player of yours!

Camille, you are so sweet. :-) I hope so. My dearest wish is to be able to speak some day and have someone approach me saying, "Hi, I'm Camille!" or any of the other people I've met online. How cool would that be?!

Glen said...

Actually getting paid! bonkers.

talking of bonkers, let's discuss your relationship with cats...

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Oh, I wish I'd known that Ms. Patchett was in town. I just finished "Bel Canto". An I liked "Run" as well.
So, is Liza Bean still in school? She must have been watching too much daytime television and was enticed by the cat-chy jingles for "National American University".

Pearl said...

Glen, what?! It's perfectly natural. Nothing weird, uh, about any of it...

always, great. Now I have to chant the alphabet until I get that jingle out of my head. Yeah, Liza's gone back to school -- or so she says. We'll see!

jenny_o said...

I know there are many hurdles to being published, but your talent is not one of them. Love your blog.

laughingmom said...

Love the conversation between you and Liza Bean - wish my dog was motivated to do anything! He tried school but failed in plays well with others.

Lisa said...

Well, I went and guffawed again and a cat opened an eye and gave me one of those looks so I read this to him. Even he laughed.

Yes, you're that good.

Eva Gallant said...

We had a 217 pound Newfoundland dog who failed Obedience Training twice and was expelled during his third attempt. He tried to mount the instuctor when she bent over to pet a small dog. The woman had no sense of humor.

furiousBall said...

LOVE Morphine. I like the band too

Leenie said...

The IPOD list is too easy to read. This may be a good weekend to crawl in bed and stay there--unless DH gets the farts again. Then what do you do? Can't put your head under the covers 'cause it's worse there. Head out and the chainsaw snoring give no rest to the wicked. Hey, if I were Nineteen and this smart I could take over the world!

Liza Bean knows you need her. That is your whole problem. Just pray she learns how to find all the deducks on your taxes when she gets that CPA.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Liza Bean is sort of like a modern day equivalent of Scarlet O'Hara. All attitude and doing things on her own terms like the fine lady she is. I'll her class is on torturing humans and mice. She's already a pro!

jLow said...

I gave up trying to talk to cats years ago. Between "the dog started it first!" and "you're so damn slow opening the door" I came to realize that my self-esteem was taking an unwarranted beating at the fists of an arrogant feline's ego. It was a nasty split. The division of assets is still causing some fallout. But what can you do?

@Eva: My dearly departed Great Dane, Virgil, was Valedictorian of his Puppy Preschool class. Then at Canine Academy he fell in with a rowdy bunch of poodles. He was expelled a short time thereafter. I think he always regretted not finishing his education.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I'm a huge Ann Patchett fan - loved her contributions to Gourmet magazine. If you'd like to stalk her, I'll be your Nashville connection.

:-D

Kelley said...

Haha!! This sounds like jsut the kind of cat I'd like to invite over for dinner. Does she like tuna?

Andrea said...

I love I Go To Work. Us3, many a drive I've taken listen to them.

And hello? Ann Patchett! Squeee! I've read Bel Canto about ten times. I just love it.

I'm not a cat person but Miss Bitey is pretty cool, I must say.

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

I'm glad my cats can't talk. I'm sure they'd be very condescending.

Ponita in Real Life said...

Does Liza perhaps find the wings a bit dusty and that's why the moths are only half eaten? As I type, Lila is perched precariously on my shoulders, crunching on the claws of one hind foot. She'd never be one to go to school... Pips, on the other hand, would probably excel at anything she put her mind to.

Sioux said...

I think Liza Bean is the only one with a brain in your family. EVERYONE knows you are supposed to be prepared for spending several days in the car, in case a blizzard comes and you're stuck. Liza is making sure she has an emergency food supply on hand and she might---unless you continue to chastise her for no reason---share her moth tidbits if the two of you are stranded.

I have not read Bel Canto or Run. I guess I need to run out to the library or book store this weekend...

Bossy Betty said...

I love Ann Patchett and am insanely jealous that you got to see her.

injaynesworld said...

I love Liza Bean. I just bet she's studying fashion design. I can just see her strolling the cat walk now with her newest collection for spring.

Tracey said...

Haha, just fantastic!

PS. Being paid to write would be an amazing thing indeed! :D

Dawn @Lighten Up! said...

Well, I've been lurking here for months, and decided to bite the bullet and post a comment. Luv luv LUV your writing, lady! It's one of the few bright spots in my dreary Ohio days.
"Getting paid to write." I remember that! Oh how I miss the 90s...

Jerry said...

Now I know how to spell 'dagnabit'. Another milestone accomplished.

Pat said...

I am absolutely sure Liza Bean is just playing with you because we all know that her becoming an accountant would be a CATastrophe.

John McElveen said...

A "Gelical" Post!!!

Good stuff Pearl!

J

People get Ready--Rulze!!!!