I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Monday, March 7, 2011

Hey! Are Those New Pants?

The relationship I’ve had with pants has been a long and sometimes ill-fitting one.

It’s not that I don’t like them – some of my favorite pieces of apparel have been pants! –but in a world where a size 10 is sometimes larger than a size 14, one develops trust issues.

And this is why I tried on over 10,000 pairs of pants on Sunday.

Ten thousand pairs.

The memory of those poorly lit rooms weighs heavily on me.

Part of the problem, I suspect, is that somewhere along the line the American Pants Manufacturers (in cooperation with the American Federation of Trousers) decided that while pants may be asked to successfully cover you from, say, hip to ankle, these haters of women, curves, and, yes, democracy, by golly, have decreed that they can assure coverage only when you are standing up.

Wait, what? You want to sit down? Sitting down is for chumps and you’ll do it but it will cost you the dropping of the pants’ waistline and the exposure of either a.) your underwear, or b.) your butt crack.

Both of which may lead to a guest appearance on The People of Wal-Mart.


In the fruit bowl of life, I am, physically, what one would refer to as a “pear”. I’m a little wider on the bottom than I am up top, am small around the middle, and mix well with nuts of various types.

So Sunday I braced myself for humiliation and set off in search of coverage.

When I go to try on pants, what I get a lot of, these days, is a waistband far too wide for me. I call these pants “grapefruit smugglers”, as there is plenty of room at the back for transporting your larger fruits, storing wallets, or protecting tea-cup variety dogs from larger dogs.

After several dozen pairs of pants – and listening to the women further down the dressing room aisle laugh themselves hysterical over the swimsuit/swimsuit cover-ups they needed for an upcoming cruise – I finally found what I was looking.

A single pair of pants that fit properly.

I searched in vain for another pair just like them and was denied.

Still, I have my one pair; and like my mom says, oh, no one’s looking at your pants. Change the shirts up, throw in a jacket or a scarf and no one’s the wiser.

There’s nothing like starting the workweek with a new pair of pants: I feel fashionable, I feel sleek, and I feel productive.

This week’s going to be awesome.

45 comments:

haphazardlife said...

I need to shop for pants and have been putting it off forever. I have the same problem as you, I'm a pear.

Actually, if I had more boobs, I'd be voluputous, now? Bartlett all the way.

- Jazz

Simply Suthern said...

I cant wait for the lowrise jeans to go out of style. I am tired of seeing cracks and thongs. I aint saying we have to go back to the over the belly button style of the eighties but give us another inch or two of coverage. Neither of which is going to help that lady of Walmart.

darsden said...

oh my what a pic...
I so feel you...my problem is they do not make fat petits size!!!

Pearl said...

haphazard, Lee! You need Lees. They make one now, comes to just under the bellybutton, that has this broad band of elastic around the waist. Still have a button and fly, totally normal pants, but the waistband is this wide elastic band! They're awesome!!

Simply, crack kills. :-)

Dar, darling! I'm tellin' ya -- Lee's. Wonder if they make them in "short"? :-) I'm only 5'4" myself, so you and I are both needing to stand in front if we're gonna see the parade!

Cake Betch said...

Oh em gee Pearl, the idea of finding a pair of jeans that fits makes me want to cry. I'm the opposite; I have long thin legs and a full-bloom muffin top. If the pants are miraculously long enough (which almost never happens) they don't fit my waist and if they fit my waist they barely go past my knees. SO FRUSTRATING.

Oilfield Trash said...

This was hilarious. I now have a mental image of people of walmart in my mind. Thank you.

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

I too am a pear-shape.. and to add insult to injury (although, in fairness, being pair-shaped isn't the injury, it's the pants' designers lack of recognition for the pear-shaped of us) I also have rather large, oddly sized calved due to a massive blood clot I had a few years back. I can't wait for skinny jeans to go away again, because I'm in a position now where I never even get to find out if a pair of pants fit around my butt, because I can rarely get them past my calves! and if I can get them up past my knees, then I can usually hula-hoop with the waistband.

Sue said...

Two words for you: PAJAMA JEANS.

No, I don't own a pear (er, pair). But they look so dang comfy in the commercials. I need somebody to test-drive them for me and give me a report.

Hang on...I feel a blog post coming on. I'll be sure to give you a shout-out if and when it comes to fruition.

Camille said...

Trying on jeans is right up there with trying on bras and swim wear. *cringe* And I don't "get" thongs...I ask you, what's the point? God, I'm getting so dang old.

Simply Suthern said...

Crack definitely kills the appetite

Deborah said...

You're a delight to read ... and sooo funny! :O)

techbird said...

Try the Julie style pants at Ann Taylor Loft--they fit the pear nicely, good coverage for those of us who like to sit without showing their super-fancy cotton jockey underwear, and the sizes are generous--I always end up with a size smaller than I usually wear, making you feel skinny

alwaysinthebackrow said...

I usually shop for jeans as well as other clothing online. This is because the tall fat lady clothes are never carried in the stores. You can't be tall AND fat-one or the other, please! So I get to try on the clothes in the sanctity of my own bedroom. Still don't fit right.

Pat Tillett said...

Thank goodness I'm not a woman!!! It's too much of an ordeal for your guys!

furiousBall said...

this is why I like being a guy. the only pants concerns we generally have is not sitting on our own balls.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Perfect pants are worth ever penny. Always.

vanilla said...

Indeed. Truth in advertising. No, a world in which 10s and 14s masquerade as each other, and nothing fits anymore. Sad. Oh, wait. You did find one pair!

Gary Baker said...

Funny how the words 'perfect pants' brings a different picture to my English mind ... who said, "Where even the cockroaches wear overalls." ?

Sweet Cheeks said...

I have always loved Lee jeans! Maybe you could scope out buying some on line, now that you have a pair you like. Use the numbers on the tag and get some from the internet.

=]

Grant said...

Things like this are why I heavily advocate nudity. That, and I have a large number of female Asian coworkers.

Joshua said...

First, I love that PoW.com site. Lost a lot of time there. Second, I'm a guy and I love shopping for clothes, but I have to be by myself. I need the time. But I can never find the pants with the right qualities: fit, look, and costs less than $10.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Yes! Fresh pants, fresh outlook that's what I always say.

OK I've never ACTUALLY said that but I'm going to.

I hate pants shopping as I seem to have some weird mutant body, because I go for mid rise jeans say and the rise ALWAYS comes up to my underarms. Well my waist anyway. Classic rises you can forget about. They might as well be called "Romper suits". Low rise are usually low to mid. It's a crap shoot though to be honest, when it comes to rise on me. And I'm five six, why the HELL are pants always too long for me? I'm apparently OVER average height. WTF?

Ladies of the world unite against pants!

Linda Myers said...

I used to wear Lees, but now it's nothing but Not Your Daughter's Jeans. Try on a pair at Nordstrom for $100 plus, then pick them up used on eBay. My Lees are going to Goodwill this week.

Jhon Baker said...

I love being able to walk in and pull some pants off the rack - pay up and leave without a problem. It helps that I only wear one style, one manufacturer, one size, one color, et cetera.

Eva Gallant said...

Try being short and fat. They don't make any that fit right. And hemming jeans is for the birds. Last time I tried it, I broke the sewing machine needle. I may be pantless soon.

becca said...

i feel your pain i'm a pear shape to

Douglas said...

Dimly lit? The videos are fine. Check `em out on Youtube. You look fine, sweetie.

The woman leaving Wal-Mart is a proof that some women should never wear thong underwear. In spite of what their boyfriends, husbands, and/or secret lovers tell them. And that woman especially. I can understand it if she was squatting to reach something on the bottom shelf but just walking???

Being a guy, I basically just grab the pants off the rack. 32x32. Fits every time. Especially in jeans.

Sorry.

a Broad said...

Ob bless your heart .. how many times did I go to work on Monday feeling like a million dollars because I was wearing something new ...
Your mom was right.

I used to love J Crew and Ann Taylor for excellent fit/length quality black trousers that I wore to death. I am a person who might buy khaki or denim but you will always find me in black ..
Congratulations on your purchase ..
** Douglas made me laugh out loud **

Mamma has spoken said...

Fashion confession: you just explain why I buy the same brand of pants whenever I go shopping. Sad but true, I hate trying on the gazillion pairs only to find the fit is off. Hence Gloria and I have become best friends since I've been funding her life style thanks to my lack of fashion sense.

Mandy's Kidding said...

I like the word "pants." You can add it to just about anything and you have instant comedy.

"Blogpants."

"Stupidpants."

"Commentypants."

Plus I don't look good in skirts.

Bambam said...

Nothing makes you feel better-dressed than well-fitting pants... and I always notice the ass on a lady so to hug whatever butt cheeks you've got nicely is a good thing!

Belle said...

I am a pear also. Usually, when pants fit my hips the waist is too wide. I just sew in a wide elastic band at the back and then they fit. You have to pull on the band as you sew.

Gigi said...

You have hit on another topic near and dear to my heart. Pants. What a pain. My main problem is finding a pair that fit length-wise. I look in the Petite section (I'm about 5'2 or so) and, apparently, they (the manufacturer's) think that a "petite" starts at a 5'4 or so. I've come to the conclusion that we have Amazonian women here in the States and that I can now be classified as a "munchkin." *sigh*

Pale Rambler said...

You must have ESP, or ESPN. Either way, you read my mind! I was going to write a post about pants and waist size and all that. Now I can't because you beat me to it!!

Guess I'll have to wait a week and pretend like this didn't happen.

Cheeseboy said...

One of my best posts ever was a post about shopping for pants with a woman. My wife will go in the dressing room with 38 pairs of jeans and come out with NONE! It is so frustrating. More so for me than for her. It sounds like she has a very similar body type as you. She has yet to make an appearance on People of Walmart though.

gayle said...

I hate shopping for anything! Once you do find pants you love they discontinue them!

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

I am going to ask that you trust me on this. AS a girl who IS a size 14 and, as my mother so kindly says, "Squished in my proportions."

If you find a pair you like, hit eBay. I've had great luck with a brand called Kut in the Kloth, but they are EXPENSIVE! So I try them on in Nordstrom and hit eBay, where I get pair for about $10.

River said...

I'm not a pear, I'm an apple. When I find jeans (or any pants) that fit my hips, I can't do up the waist. When I find jeans that fit my waist they're okayish but a bit loose around the hips and really really loose around the thighs. Also, I'm short, 5' nothing, so no matter what I buy, the hem has to come up several inches. For comfortable jeans, I usually buy men's jeans and take in a couple of small tucks at the waist.
I also wish, like everyone else, that low-rise would disappear in a puff of smoke. Bring back coverage!
One more thing: designers and manufacturers NEED to get out there and measure up real women. Some of us petite women are fatter than you'd think.

Ugich Konitari said...

In these days of quick globalization, you might be a mango or even a jackfruit, and so we have a thing called salwar-kameez , worn traditionally in the Punjab (north India), that disregards what fruit you are. Some folks even resemble jalapenos. Just saying. You need to travel, Pearl....

Amanda said...

That picture, and the many that surely accompany it on the People of Walmart website, is why I do not shop at Walmart. I would be mortified to see my picture on their website.

On My Soapbox said...

I'm a petite pear, and I hate clothes shopping! For slacks, I like Ann Taylor. For jeans, well, I need to find some. I own a pair from LL Bean and love them, but it's time for another pear, umm, pair. *sigh*

Susan in the Boonies said...

Oh, gosh. I really hate to break the news.

Your momma was wro....mistaken.

They ARE looking at your pants.

hoodyhoo said...

where did you get pants that cover your butt crack??? I thought that had gone out of fashion!

Kelley Simpson said...

So I'm a 5'8" girl who's ribs grind into my hipbones while sitting. I have very little real estate in the middle but could house a whole neighborhood on my a$$. I have a 36 inseam and look like I'm hunting for clams if I wear "reg" length. I'm happy that they actually make long jeans now but sometimes that is a lie too. If I find jeans that fit my hips, I'm usually able to put both arms into the waist line.
However! I have found the most perfect pair of jeans at the Gap. My sister has been telling me for years to go there and I finally did. They cost 58.00 which I think is ridiculous but I can't tell you how comfy they are and the waist is low but not too low as to share my undies with the world. Even after several washings the long really is long and still goes past my ankle. No skinny jean action either, they are wide at the bottom but wide enough through out the leg that I don't look knock-kneed. Check them out. Pear girls unite!

Sarah Has Moxie said...

I see a new business venture for us. We are going to make a veritable fortune, Pearl, a fortune in pants! :)