I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Come Sit Next to Me

The droopy-drawered follower of fashion on this morning’s bus is uncomfortable with silence, as evidenced by his repeated attempts to reach someone willing to talk to him at 6:35 a.m..

I turn my iPod down and note that he has been rebuffed by his first three attempts at pre-dawn conversation.

“What? Huh? Naw, dog, just on the bus. What’s that? Huh. OK. Yeah, man. I’ll call you when you wake up.”

Click.

Dressed in a poofy M&M jacket, pants belted just under his bottom, it’s clear by looking at him that he’s not gone to bed yet. I am absentmindedly twirling a piece of hair just behind my ear and wondering what it is about the melt-in-your-mouth-not-in-your-hands candy-inspired clothing line that garners such devotion when he returns my look. I meet his eye, look behind me, then look back. ‘Me?’ I mouth, index finger to my chest.

He turns away, disgusted, and I grin.

The fourth call he makes is the charm. I turn my iPod off for ease of eavesdropping.

And I am disappointed.

The entire conversation, which surprisingly goes on for almost 20 minutes, is variations on the following:

  •  “Naw, man.”
  • “Yeah, dog.”
  • “Thass what I’M talkin’ about.”
  • And “Mumble frappin gargle farbin.”
 Frankly, no one knows but the person on the other end what that last line’s about. I’m hoping that the real meat of the discourse lie in that line, but I will never know.

I shrug and go back to my iPod.

Sometimes, people are just plain boring.

41 comments:

Susan in the Boonies said...

Humph. Where's the beef?

You tune in for a nice juicy piece of eavesdropping, and then...

nuttin'.

I bet your cats are having a party, right now, as we speak...er...as I type.

You are just at the wrong place at the wrong time.

darsden said...

Oh man, and I was ready for the bus this morning ... see what happen wuz... Morning Pearl

jabblog said...

They speak a different language but still have nothing to say of interest . . .

bruce said...

ah the bus...

and the the M&M jacketed dawgs that ride them!

i sometimes call "time" and have spirited conversations while the recorded voice says,
"at the tone, the time will be..."

it really freaks some people out...

Simply Suthern said...

The M&M racing boys work just around the corner from me. I aint real wild about their driver but I will eat the candy. I would nevah wear the colors.

I have always been curious about who is really in the mood for chit chat at 6:00 in the morning but there are alot of them cause I see them on the road.

Douglas said...

“Mumble frappin gargle farbin.”

I used to know exactly what that meant but then I got old and the brain cells that survived my errant youth no longer work as well as they once did... or I thought they did. The key word is "farbin", of course. But that's all I can tell you.


But thass what ahm talkin' bout.

laughingmom said...

Last line was an in-depth discussion about the hot mama riding the bus that just mouthed at him in a truly sexy manner causing him to lose his mind in a wild fantasy. Duh!

Jimmy said...

“Mumble frappin gargle farbin.” hmmmm... I wonder what that would look like in 'text speak?'

randine said...

That's too funny. That's what annoys me about cell phones. People feel compelled to use them in the strangest circumstances. I've seen people at the grocery store, standing in the pickle aisle, talking on their cell phone:
"Do you want the garlic lovers? Or just the regular ones?"
Seriously?? You have to make a phone call about pickles in the middle of the grocery store? I don't get it.

haphazardlife said...

It would seem to me that the whole world is boring at 6:30 in the morning.

But then I'm not a morning person.

- Jazz

Crystal Pistol said...

I dated a pant bottom dweller once. He was slumming it with me.

We spoke the International language of Love.

How I miss the days when I'd pick up the phone in the AM and hear, "hey shawty. how you be?"

Ahhhh be still my bleeding heart...

savannah said...

damn, but look it at this way, at 6ish in the morning, you're being entertained! most of the time, i've been working for 3 hrs already! and i have to be nice, too! ok, sometimes i get to yell because people haven't done what they're supposed to, but still...it's not as much fun. btw, M&M candy makes clothes now? *off to google it* xoxoxoxo

vanilla said...

I believe the conversation was at least as intelligent as 98.7% of all cell phone conversations; and probably more so than most.

Pearl said...

M&M does indeed make clothing. :-)

Yeah, we don't ask too much of the early morning phone calls, but if you're going to talk that loud, could ya throw in some details?!

Oh. And I love "shawty, how you be?" :-)

Pale Rambler said...

Don't strangers realize they are supposed to inspire our writing muse with juicy bits? Like the woman I sat next to in Panera Bread last month who spent 5 minutes telling her friend she never eats fish, ever, but she will eat salmon because she doesn't really consider it fish.
March, so far, has been a barren and uninspiring wasteland.
Mark

Sausage Fingers said...

The youngster may have been answering the following questions:
1. Are you a woman.
2. Do you have any pets.
3. Is there a strange lady on the bus looking at you.
4. Do you speak Klingon.

Sweet Cheeks said...

“Mumble frappin gargle farbin.”

For some reason...that instantly reminded me of that Def Leppard song 'Rock of Ages'.

Just great, Pearl. Now that song will be stuck in my head all day.

=]

Eva Gallant said...

You're the only person I know who can describe her morning commute to work on the bus and make it entertaining!

Happy Frog and I said...

I am often very lucky with the conversations I overhear and then pop on my blog. But there is nothing more frustrating then overhearing a 'mumblesation' such as this one. I hope you have better luck on the next one. But I did enjoy this post very much.

Lazarus said...

Pearl, there's a rolling-and-rollicking TV sitcom on that bus you ride each morning, I'm notifying the networks...

Big Dave T said...

Thanks for visiting my blog.

I had a traumatic experience on a city bus once. I got thrown off. Not for being disruptive or anything, I just got on the wrong bus and after a while the bus driver said "end of the line" and threw me off. Never rode a city bus since.

Pointy Pix said...

You do make me laugh. I didn't know M&Ms make clothes either but I am very familiar with the 'jeans hung so low the belt is actuallly cradling their arse cheeks' look - I don't get it, really I don't Never mind that they have to continually hoike them back up so they don't slide right down their legs, the crotch hangs down looking like they're wearing nappies - seriously, teenage girls find boys dressed like this hawt??!!

rivercat said...

"it’s clear by looking at him that he’s not gone to bed yet" ha ha!

I love it. I cant wait to read more!

SeaD said...

Pearl, you write every. single. day. How could you possibly be tight for time? *wink*
You are definitely the bright spot in my day, so thank you for that!

Linda O'Connell said...

They are everywhere! Here in St. Louis, too.

Supergreensunbear said...

On the plus side at least there was a hint of excitement for a few moments - the Irish equivalent tends to just use one syllable sentences and you can almost lip read it with no skills of lip reading - it's like school passed them by... Or maybe they stayed on the bus from an early age and by-passed the school? Who knows!

becca said...

omg this was great you alway keep me entertained

mrwriteon said...

Damn, now none of us will ever know and I, for one, am all agog.

Mamma has spoken said...

Sitting here chuckling because he wouldn't talk to you. Maybe next time you need to start the conversation ;o)

Gigi said...

How RUDE! How dare he start a conversation like that and not make it hear-able?

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

He was a Muppett
He was talking to the Swedish Chef

David L Macaulay said...

you do get a lot of material from buses. I might start getting on one.

Sue said...

Loved the mouthed "me?" with finger pointing toward the chest.

A timeless, classic move.

John McElveen said...

LOL_- I'm soo not a morning person! I think I was his second call!

LOVE-- that you listened!!!

J

On My Soapbox said...

I'm wondering if there really was someone he was talking to. I bet he was talking to himself.

Glen said...

stop shnizzling my nizzle - or whatever!

Symdaddy said...

s'mon luggin t'me, dawg.

S'm o'lady widda pods on, bro.

Frig'n freagy, ryyye!

Friko said...

Is it ok if I just laugh at your posts?

The best conversations are the ones you eavesdrop on but all I usually get is
"so I turned round and said, what do you mean". There's an awful lot of turning-round-and-saying in the average overheard chat over here.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl, I suspect he made no calls, but just liked pretending he was to piss everyone off by being a dick. I mean, who knows the mind of a man who forgets to wear his trousers properly? And where would he wear a truss? Questions, questions. Indigo

Anonymous said...

An M & M coat. Do you mean like Marshall Mathers (sp?) or M & M candy. I'm picturing either a wrapper or a giant green M & M and both images would probably blind me that early in the morning. : )

Louisiana Belle said...

Oh, Pearl, you manage to bring out the funny even in the most boring and illiterate of souls.