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Thursday, March 24, 2011

And for the Finale, I’ll be Dropping a Television into the Bathtub

When I woke up Tuesday morning, my front door was frozen shut.

After being teased with reasonably spring-like temperatures, the disappearance of 95% of Minneapolis’s snow, and the optimistic, somewhat risqué appearance of both my spring jacket and cap, Minnesota has again been blasted back into winter.

Hence the frozen-shut front door.

So after giving up on the front door, going back upstairs, down the back steps, to the bus (which actually skidded when it stopped for me), and arriving at work, I do what all right-thinking people do when faced with obstacles.

I call to complain to Mary.

“Mary!” I shout.

“Hallo,” she says, mildly.

Her early-morning mildness affects me not.

“I’ve had it! We were promised a spring, dammit! And you know what? We’re not getting one! No green lawns, no hot tar, no inappropriately dressed teen-agers! We’ve skipped all of it and we’re heading straight toward winter again!”

“It’s like Thanksgiving out there,” she interjects, almost audibly nodding. “Frankly, I’m thinking of making a turkey.”

This is enough to make me stop short. Visions of turkey gravy slide effortlessly over the inches of snow that have deposited over night and are still accumulating. “Are you really?”

“No,” she says.

“Why you little…”

“Why I oughta…” she counters.

There is silence.

“Really,” I fret. “I can’t take this anymore. Would it be wrong to leap out a window or something?”

There is a silence while she considers my cry for help. “Could we have a party?”

A party. It’s always a party with this one.

“What, so people can watch me hurl my pale, freckled body off the second-floor porch?”

“Well, when you put it that way…” she pauses. “Yes. Basically, yes.”

“Hmm,” I ponder. “Maybe I’m not the only feeling this way...”

“We need a party!” Mary is working herself up. “A theme party!”

“Can I have a I’m Going to End It All If Spring Doesn’t Come Soon Party?”

“Yes!” There is the sound of clapping hands.

“Can I make it BYOR?”

“BYO –“

“Bring Your Own Rope.”

She pauses so as to give it thought. “I don’t think that would be too tacky, do you?”

“Not at all!” I’m warming to this. “I’m going to serve plastic bags –“

“ -- not to be used as toys,” she interjects, audibly nodding.

“Right. And we’ll serve contra-indicated medications – “

“Antibiotics and The Pill!”

Now I am nodding, audibly. “And host ill-advised competitions!”

“Oooooh! Operating heavy machinery on a double dose of the good cough syrup?”

“We’re talkin’ codeine, baby!”

Now we are both nodding. “This is coming along nicely,” I say.

I feel better, suddenly. “I like it when we talk.”

“Me, too,” she says.

There is a short-lived silence.

“Are you sure you won’t make a turkey?” I say.

“Yes,” she says. “I’m sure.”

66 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

Yesterday it was stir-fry Mary. Today it's just srir crazy. Your next bus ride oughta be a Trailways headed south.

KaLynn ("MiMi") said...

You kill me!! You make me laugh even when I have not finished my first cup of coffee and am not fully awake! I read you and it just perks my day up! Thanks! =0D

Pearl said...

Simply, I've often wondered what delights await me on a Trailways bus ride...

Pearl said...

KaLynn, I'm glad to hear it. :-)

Christine said...

It's snowing here in Montreal this morning too, albeit gently (my door's not frozen shut!). Can I come to the party too??? Pretty please?

Grant said...

I didn't have time to read the post, but I saw the title and thought "sweet - getting clean with entertainment". I'm definitely going to bathe with my TV. I'll post and let you know how it went.

Pearl said...

Christine, everyone's invited!!

Grant, can I have your truck? :-)

Silliyak said...

Here's the bad news, here, in what should be balmy northern CA, we're getting hit with ANOTHER big rain storm. I'm guessing it's headed your way in a day or 3.

savannah said...

you had me at turkey and party, sugar. i missed everything in between! ;~D xoxoxox

Sioux said...

You could also have relay races at your party and the "baton" is a pair of scissors...

After being let down, did you then imagine Mary as a brown and crispy roasted turkey (a la Newman and Kramer) and start to salivate?

Ponita in Real Life said...

Your snow is 95% GONE?!?!?!?! Although the edges of the front lawn have appeared, all brown and crispy, there are still piles of snow several feet deep all over the place. I think a turkey party would be a great idea!!!! Send me an invite, k? ;-)

Pearl said...

Silliyak, I've heard this as well and will be laying in a liberal supply of margarita ingredients and avocadoes. If I have to suffer, I want there to be guacamole.

savannah, I'm tellin' ya! Turkey gravy negates everything else.

Sioux, OOOH! GREAT idea! Running with scissors. Nice.

Pearl said...

Ponita, well it WAS gone and now it's piled up in concrete-like piles. Heavy, horrible, ankle-twisting piles.

Really. There should be a turkey...

And of course you're invited. :-)

Bossy Betty said...

Pearl? Pearl? It's me Betty. Remember, honey, we have your nice room all ready here in California. Your chair at poolside is all ready and Carlos will be right out with your drinks. All you have to do is calm down and close your eyes and take those nice pills I sent you.

Leenie said...

No matter how well intended the comments from the balmier parts of the world are just WRONG.

Even though I've dealt with this time of year for....years....it is always awful and like lemon juice in a thousand paper cuts. Yeah, dangerous paper edges and falling icicles and Red Rider Beebee guns. I'm on my way to the party!

lisleman said...

BYOR - what great idea - you'll start a trend - I would come but I would not drink the kool-aid.

ShanimalsCrackers.blogspot.com said...

I think your party should include Ambien. Those pills make people go CRAZY. Well, they work for me, at least.

Pearl said...

Bossy? Bossy is that you, honey?! So you're saying I should climb off the ledge??? :-)

Leenie, oh, they like to pretend they're all warm and happy but we know they scretly long to complain about having to contineu TO WEAR THE SAME LOUSY BOOTS WE'VE BEEN WEARING SINCE NOVEMBER!!! AAaaaaAASARGHgh.

Hmmm. I may not be as calm as I thought I was...

lisleman, ahh dang it. I wish I'd thought of that!

Shanimal: shhhh. We're saving those for the overnight guests. :-)

Krissy said...

Please don't kill me, but it's been in the 80's here the past couple of days. I don't know how you all do it. I would have to find a job working from home or something.

TalkativeTaurus.com

Pearl said...

Krissy, do you have a pool? I can be there in less than 24 hours, just let me tell my boss I won't be in tomorrow...

Krissy said...

Does mine and Bailey's kiddie pool count? The river is just down the street, and we can be at the beach in no time flat! Does that work? Although the water is probably still cold as a bitch at the moment. :)

Douglas said...

Frankly, I am tired of this complaining about the weather in Minnesota. You are surprised about the taunting by Momma Nature by holding out the promise of Spring and then jerking the string which was holding the snow back? You are in Minnesota! When summer comes and the mosquitoes are flying away with small children, you will be complaining about the heat and begging for snow.

We, here in Paradise, go through Winter waking up to chilly weather and then have to strip off outerwear in the hours just before noon or face heat stroke. Spring here means that Summer, the period where it is close to impossible to breathe, is about to land on us in one large humid air mass.

But count me in for the party.

Caleb said...

Nice Pearl!

"It's always a party with this one."

I like.

Caleb

Yandie, Goddess of Pickles. said...

This is possibly my favorite post yet. I'm pretty sure I've had conversations like this.

Jimmy said...

Ahhhh good oul turkey gravy, a feast fit for a king, even on a cold day!

Eva Gallant said...

Now I can't decide whether I want a turkey or a margarita!

Out on the prairie said...

Turkey sounds good, but the frozen door doesn't I had to get out the gloves again, but at least I am seeing some spring blooms. My snow shovel still sits by the door.

becca said...

now i feel bad because we are having 80 degree weather already.

mrwriteon said...

Can I call Mary, too? I have a few things I'd like to get off my chest. Oh, and really sorry about your winter redux. That sucks.

ThreeOldKeys said...

I used to live in one of those states, where spring had to be dragged onto the scene, spitting and teasing and melting and freezing.

Then I moved a bit south. No longer in a Mud State. No longer in the MudWest.

I'd like to be "not smug" but I can't help it. I'm smug. Smug and warm with daffodils blooming.

However, a party sounds good. Get together to shake your fists at winter. And at smug southerners.

alabee said...

Hilarious post. If I lived in the snow I'd have a BYOR party too...

Gigi said...

I feel for ya, Pearl. I really do! We had a few gorgeous days here (70's & 80's) and then today? It topped out at 64! And the temperature is expected to continue dropping through the weekend! It's pure torture, I tell you. Not frozen door torture though - thank God! Come on down. You can call me a wuss as you walk about in short sleeves and I shiver.

The Writer Currently Known as Rory said...

Codeine Competition: First one to drive the cement truck down to the end of the block without seeing a tree right in front of them that isn't there wins!

Good lord this blog is a lot of fun! I like words and all but I never imagined I could want to jump into bed with them like I do now after reading this.

Daisy said...

I so enjoy your blog Pearl. Thank you ... and I have most of a bottle of Irish Whiskey left from the 17th which I'll donate to the party! :-)

lime said...

thanks for stopping by my place. real nice to meet you and commiserate over the spring that almost was. lord have mercy! hey, can i come to the party? i've got a great recipe for a vicodin and vodka mixed drink with a groovy benadryl chaser.

Kristy said...

Oh yeah, Mother Nature is a bitch man. She lets you know who is in control and just how much you get to look forward to a distant spring.

imtsmom said...

I've got an offer for you, Pearly Girl - you can have the party at our house. The pool is big enough for everyone, the water temp is 89 degrees, it's only going to be in the low 80's tomorrow and we're going to have a pool party anyway, so come on down - all of you of course. No rope necessary, until you return home, that is. By that time spring should be right around the corner, right?
Must bring Mary and T.
T's Mom in central Florida - yeah, I had to say it! (formerly from northern MN - that counts for something, doesn't it?)

injaynesworld said...

If it makes her feel any better we're getting screwed out of spring here in California, too. We had the biggest storm of the year last Sunday. Uh, Winter... Aren't you supposed to be someplace else?

Turkey... Mmmmm.

my name is Ian said...

funny stuff! i'm thinking warm thoughts for you.

Some Chilean Woman said...

Someday I'd like to call in to work saying I can't come in because my door is frozen shut. I think they'd buy it.

Fireblossom said...

"Audibly nodding". Love that.

This deep freeze stuff is really just too much. I'm going to come to your party and plug in my space heater, then set it on a stack of old newspapers. At least I'll die warm!

Brian Miller said...

i know, this totally sucks...i return to NYC after an 18 year hiatus for a romantic weekend...and they are calling for snow...guess that mean we will stay inside...and probably not have turkey...

HermanTurnip said...

Actually, that sounds like a party I could get behind. Can I bring along some questionable expired medication I found neglected in the back of the medicine cabinet, and perhaps a bottle of merlot?

On My Soapbox said...

Well, if it's frozen outside, turkey would probably taste pretty good. Turkey soup would be nice and warm, too.

What is this "Spring" that you mentioned? Never heard of it....

stephanie said...

I can't imagine snow now! Here in Hell Paso it's a lovely 80... although I'm already dreading the 100+ temps of summer :(

IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY said...

I'm funny? You're hilarious...I'll be back :)

Amanda said...

I want an invite! Only, it's really spring here in Texas and it's spring here and it's 70-80 degrees during the day. Nevermind. You probably don't want to see anyone enjoying spring right now.

Katie Gates said...

Greetings from Southern California... Entertaining post. I have a friend here in LA who grew up in Minnesota. Her least favorite four-letter word is snow.

Antares Cryptos said...

It would be so much more entertaining if they hired you as a weather forecaster. Picture the tranquil panic as people discover that they're heading right back into winter.

ladyfi said...

This is hilarious - so glad the snow came back to provoke this outburst! ;-)

I always consider March to be a full winter month because of all those unwanted snowstorms...

Casey Freeland said...

Love this! Yes! I've had enough as well. My wife almost had to put CHAINS on her car this morning to get to work. It's almost April. There's something very wrong here. I don't remember what my golf clubs look like anymore. I think there's a big one and some others. They are in a bag somewhere. After my birthday all is supposed to be sunny and bright. That's how the universe set it up.

But alas....

Cheers,

Casey

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

While you're on the West Coast, Pearl, do stop by. I'll make you a nice plump turkey with loads of gravy.
xoRobyn

Tempo said...

Can Mary be my friend too...
I think we all need someone that makes us laugh and feel happy.

Pat said...

I want a Mary. Where can I find one?

Holly said...

Haha what a great party idea! If it wasn't for the fact spring and warm weather has descended on us I'd have stolen it for myself! (Yeah you heard me we have sun :P)

hoodyhoo said...

If I can come to the party, I will make Chuckweasel make a turkey (that's his holiday job because it makes me drink and cry). And I will make deviled eggs AND bring a rope.

Boom Boom Larew said...

This is EXACTLY how I felt when I woke up to snow on Wednesday morning! Can I come to your party? I'll be happy to bring both rope and plastic bag.

IndigoWrath said...

Hi Pearl! Loved this! I think Mary must know MY best friend; they may even be the same person? Tho he'd have to wear a dress, or something. Hmmm, what a disturbing thought. On which subject, at the party you could have one of those bendy-wire thing that tests your hand's stability? But wire it to the mains. It's a killer! Indigo

Mighty M said...

Sounds like THE party of the year. Too bad it's frozen to outside guests! :)

Argent said...

Sorry but good old Blighty (my bit of it) is all sunshine. No need for coats, just t-shirts and sunnies. Global warming? Probably, but it's sooooo nice! Weathermen are saying it's going to rain tomorrow. Ah well.

Flea said...

What good is a party without a turkey! A deep-fried turkey!

Jodie Kash said...

Doll, I'm back on the blog! Different kind of saucy at http://www.eatitdenver.com/

Love to have you stop over again.;) Twitting and twatting and all that as well.

Cake Betch said...

How are you able to write funny posts every day? I feel exhausted just coming up with one a week.

Susan in the Boonies said...

Soooooo funny!!!! Bring your own rope!

Priceless! I laugh this way with my friend Chloe.

What would we do without friends who'll hold our heads under water? I mean help us keep our heads above water???

Julianna said...

And now.. I've stumbled on to you...

Truth is... you're down right hi-larious. :)

I'll be visiting again, for sure.

-Julianna @ Surviving Boys

Deborah said...

You and Mary are the best. I want to eavesdrop on all of your conversations.