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Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Wherein I Got Nothin’ but GAHHHH

Have I told you my face hurts?

It is at this point in the posting where the smiling voice of my father chimes in with “Your face hurts you? It’s killing me!”

He means well; but let’s ignore him, shall we?

My ears are plugged; my cheekbones sore: and if I hadn’t already had them removed, I would say that my tonsils had grown tonsils. Tonsils that need to come out. Whatever this is that I’ve picked up, it’s not yours, is it? Because if it is – and I suspect that it is – then you can have it back.

I don’t do well at being ill. It overwhelms me, blocks out other thoughts, makes me say things like, “Hey, what if we –“ whereupon I drift off and stare at things.

Of course, it’s the very best of times to ask me to loan you money or talk me into giving you a ride to the airport. I’m quite easygoing when I’m sick.

This feeling of lethargic denseness is not going to happen today, though. No, sir. I’ve stuck a sturdy little pole in the ground (here comes my dad again with a comment about little Poles and, perhaps, one regarding whether or not we can cache a small Czech) and I’m – I’m going to – well.

Well, well, well.

Ladies and gentlemen, go on without me. No, no! I insist. Just drop a couple sandwiches onto my lap and leave me to cradle my broken head in my hands and work quietly on my upcoming album.

Pearl and The Pips Live at the Vegas Lounge. No. A Whiter Shade of Pearl. No, wait. Pearl in the Sky with Diamonds.

If you need me, I’ll be over here. Staring.

Blankly.

Sigh.

54 comments:

Georgina Dollface said...

Hope you are feeling better soon! - G

Hilary said...

Geesh, your Dad sounds exactly like mine. He was forever using lines like that. :)

I hope you're feeling better before too long.

Pearl said...

Thanks, you two. :-) As for our Dads, Hilary, I'm afraid I've carried on the tradition and can also be counted on to say something mildly corny every now and then. It's like a family tradition or something. :-D

Gary Baker said...

Pearl's a singer?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CjLipF9CIMM

Gary Baker said...

Oh, and, Get well soon. *very long distant hug*

Elly Lou said...

Here, pookie. You can have this old Dunkin' Doughnuts mug to catch all the mucus dripping out of your face. Who loves ya, baby?

Oilfield Trash said...

Get well soon.

Mariliz said...

Feel better soon, when I'm sick all I want to do is sleep and read, and take lots of hot baths. I recom

Cheeseboy said...

Your illness sounds pretty dramatic. When I get sick, I roll up into the fetal position and demand my wife wait on me. Really, it's my favorite time of year.

As always, made me laugh.

Hey, video of me dressed as Barney picking up Chinese food on my blog.

Sausage Fingers said...

I will give you my Scottish toddy recipe:

1 cup of single malt whisky
2 tablespoons of honey
1 tablespoon of sugar
squeeze the life out of lemon
1 cup of single malt whisky

mix-heat-drink-repeat.

Janis said...

So sorry to hear of your dense lethargy. And speaking of corn my dad also collected a few little gems I thought might be appropriate given your new album. "You otta sing tenor... ten or eleven miles from here!" "You should be on stage... the first one out of town!"
Take that sinusitis!

Ponita in Real Life said...

Ow. Been there, not that long ago. Hope you feel better soon. Steam your head. Often. Loosen up the congestion so it'll drain and lessen the pressure.

And that hot toddy recipe might make you feel better too. Actually, it will probably make you unable to feel anything at all!! ;-)

Sioux Roslawski said...

Camomile tea sometimes helps, but it tastes nasty. On second thought, try Sausage Fingers' Scottish Toddy recipe. On third thought, EVERYBODY have a Scottish Toddy...Raise one up to Pearl! (I hope you're back to your normal...semi-normal self soon.)

Hutch said...

If you get to drippin - tampons in the nose holes will protect your keyboard. Just sayin. Feel better - drink some Gypsy Cold Care and eat some chicken soup. Keep your feet warm - put cayenne pepper in your socks. And lie down and rest, for Pete's sake!!

That Janie Girl said...

Get better, dahlink!

Now I'm singing "Pearl in the sky with diamonds."

Thanks for that.

Douglas said...

Chicken soup is obviously in order. Along with copious helpings of Sausage Fingers' Hot Toddies (though I think it is short at least one shot of whiskey).

The worst part of this illness thing is knowing you will get better.

The Jules said...

I'm going to be dad just like yours, I've decided.

Big Fat Gini said...

Feel better soon!

(truthfully, I think you should take on a bad attitude when you're sick...people are nice and take care of you because they're terrified of death)

Jhon Baker said...

I shut down when I am sick. Use to be a lot but now I drink a hell of a lot of orange juice and somehow don't get sick nearly as often. Some days I wish I could catch a cold and sleep all day and lounge about with no expectations thrust upon me. Most days I am smarter than that.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Sometimes when I get sick, I'm afraid I may die. You know it is a really bad cold when you suddenly become afraid you may not. It sounds bad. but not that bad, right?

Take care. One word from here---Dayquil-the real stuff. The stuff they put out on the shelves now do nothing.

Eva Gallant said...

Oh, I do hope you mend soon! It's no fun when you're sick!

HumorSmith said...

Wow....great wordplay. I like it almost as much as foreplay.

I too wanted to be a singer, but Mom wasn't a sewing machine.

Get better quickly Pearl. And stay outta my horrific puns jar.

Sue said...

A few things:

-I will soon be approaching you about helping me refinish my kitchen cabinets. Must strike while the iron is hot and you are sick and agreeable.

-Shooting for the moon now: I would also like twenty autographed copies of Pearl in the Sky with Diamonds. I smell a new Ebay venture in the works. I promise to go halfsies with you on the profits.

-And, uh, get well soon. I've decided that I really like you, little Pearl. xo

Silliyak said...

1. Wet towel 2. Wring until just very damp 3. Microwave towel (30 secs?) 4. When temp is cool enough to not burn you, hold against face until towel is same temp as face. 5. go back to #3 (although you can microwave for a shorter time)

Grant said...

Can you give my money a ride to the airport?

Simply Suthern said...

I thought my dad was king of corny. Maybe just the crown prince. LOL

Hope you begin to feel better real soon. I feel for ya but I just cant reach ya.

Belle said...

I also hope you get better soon. Being sick sucks.

Pat Tillett said...

I hope you are feeling better soon! although, this post (made while you are sick) is also pretty darn good and funny! When I'm sick I just go upstairs climb into bed and tell everyone to leave me alone...
get well!

Pearl said...

Oh, my. :-) You guys are as corny as me/my dad. I'm calling him right now...

Bouncin' Barb said...

Sorry you're feeling crappy. Hope you're back to normal soon. That line I use to say to my son and he'd crack up.

Katie said...

I haven't heard the bit about the face hurting/killing since high school. I am going straight home and wait until I get the perfect set up to use that one...
this could take a while.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

lisleman said...

Whiter Shade of Pearl - oh that's good one - well as long as you are not losing your color. I'm going to crank that one up right now.

Oh totally not related unless you make potato soup or something but I have a potato that might cheer you up (Ok this is actually me begging you to stop over at my blog - but c'mon did anyone ever suggest a potato to cheer you up before?)

a Broad said...

Oh you are so much more entertaining than ... oh, let me see, who could it be ? ME !
I moan, I say leave me alone and rude things like that then I get all whiney because no one is asking me if they can Get me anything..
Then I make a lot of wet noises and probably snore when I sleep.

I hope you are taking good drugs for this Thing that has taken you over.
besos.. from afar, no germs !! Candice

a Broad said...

I like silliyaks hot towel idea .. but be sure it is not too hot ... nothing like a red faced sick person :(
also .. Not that I promote this sort of thing but .... the husband, keeps a bottle of very good ( but any one will do ) bottle of Vodka in the freezer. "Just in case" he gets a sore throat .. he swears that one slug of that cold vodka, and he sleeps and wakes up well.
So , just in case other remedies don't come through for you, there is always the Vodka.

Amanda said...

At least you're still funny when you're sick! I'm a bit crabby when I've got a sinus infection. Maybe I just need a couple of those hot toddies...

When Pigs Fly said...

There's something going around and around and around. I think I'm getting it for the third time. Get better soon.

Gigi said...

There are many days when all I've got is GAHHHH! Luckily - or not so luckily - it usually doesn't have to do with being sick.

Hope you are feeling better soon, Pearl. Pass that crap on to someone else (but not me!).

Irish Gumbo said...

Wishing you some wellness, lurve. From way over here, just to be safe :)

Su said...

My dad says the same thing. I usually retort with a mention of where my DNA came from. ;)

Eva Gallant said...

I forgot to tell you, I tagged you on my blog today!

injaynesworld said...

Your "I got nothin'" is so much better than most bloggers best efforts.

When I got nothin', I've really got nothin'.

Leenie said...

I just wanna know if cayenne pepper in your socks really works. Let me know if it does. I've heard people swear by it. Tampons in the nose is--'erm--a little too weird. So---how about a loan of twenty or thirty bucks?

HermanTurnip said...

Hey there...I hope you feel better! I sympathize. I'm what the wife calls the "canary in the coal mine". I tend to be the first one sick and the last one well. If I'm feeling under the weather she takes extra precautions not to get sick herself. I feel so used. ;-)

Tracy said...

OH Dear, please feel better soon. It is no fun being sick so take it easy on yourself and get well!

Susan in the Boonies said...

I totally empathize. Had a bug that lasted 3 weeks, right after Christmas. Am just now crawling out of the pit. :hug: You are a treasure, Pearl. (heh heh) Give yourself a lot of grace, and get better soon!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Your face hurts? MY FACE HURTS!

Fragrant Liar said...

Ditto what Jayne said. You've always got something interesting to say, Pearl. And I'm hearing this sone: *Pearls just wanna have fu-u-un.*

Feel better soon. I know being sick majorly sucks!

David L Macaulay said...

I find myself making dad-like comments sometimes. I have to slap myself hard.

Flea said...

You already know what I'll say - the dreaded NetiPot and thick Vicks on the feet at night with socks. And steam.

The bad news? I found out when my youngest had his tonsils removed that tonsils can and do sometimes grow back. Ew.

Symdaddy said...

If your dad hadn't said it, I would've!

By the way can I have $200 and borrow your i-pod?

John McElveen said...

Pearl--So sorry I haven't been by! Wife and I both had the crud.....

John McElveen said...

Oh....sorry- Did I drift off?

Pray you feel better, and there is nothing as bad as that disconnected feeling that you perfectly described. I could see someone walk into Urgent Scare and knew from across the room they had what you have!

Soup, Jack Daniels, Honey, and lots of water--or ONE SHOT OF MORPHINE!!!!!

Feel better Hugs.

I'm wearing a mask just in case you are a carrier! :-)

John

Lori @ In Pursuit of Martha Points said...

So sorry to hear of the illness.

I hade the plague in November.

I found a rat and gave it back.

Hoping for a non-achy face very very soon.

Kate Mohler said...

Wow, you have such a huge fan club pulling for you! Hope their good karma helps you back to better health very soon. Stay warm, girl...stay warm!