I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

New Fish on the Block

After a tragic, tank-wide case of Ich and the subsequent tank-wide deaths of its inhabitants, the 20-gallon aquarium in the living room has stood, bubbling yet empty, for almost two months now.

We’re moments away from that changing.

We felt it important that some time pass between occupants. The tank has, after all, seen its share of tragedy. Just a month or so before the rest of the tank contracted the disease “Ich” and met its Webby Maker, for example, Yang, orange-headed Oranda and ex of Ying, found himself caught in a fishy-love triangle, a dilemma for which he paid the ultimate price.

It was all over the Internet.

That was then, however; and now, Willie, Tank Master and Head of Fish Procurement, is ready to foster-parent a tank full of fish again.

One trip to PetSmart and a ten dollar bill later, Willie has returned with a bag o’ goldfish; and we have, once again, a full house.

The new residents of the fish tank?

Gilles Meloche
Goldie Spawn
Lady G’agua
And, for course, Blanket.

The faces have changed, but the rocks, the Jethro Tull Aqualung double album spread open as its backdrop: these things have not changed, nor has the fascination that Liza Bean, of the Minneapolis Biteys, feels when presented with the vision of a shimmering, wiggling appetizer. Enraptured, she sits on the arm of the couch, peering intently into the waters, the end of her tail twitching.

Ever the helpful kitty, she has recently added the words “white wine” and “one fresh lemon” to the grocery list.

Such a good girl. Always looking for ways to be helpful.

30 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

I used to have two tanks. A fresh water with various colored chiclids and a salt with low dollar damsels and Pearl. I quit naming then after Pearl(a high dollar(more than $10) pearlscale butterfly) passed away. It was tramatic. Our cats used to watch them but I never imagined the thoughts in their heads besides YUMMM till I read about your two little tarts. Maybe Pearl was a vitim, Maybe it wernt my fault. I feel a bit better now. Thank You Dr. Pearl.

Oilfield Trash said...

I have a feeling Liza Bean is not thinking about making new friends.

Simply Suthern said...

Sorry, I type worse than I spell.

Then-Them/Vitim-Victim

Jeepers

Susan in the Boonies said...

The foreshadowing in this post is positively chilling. In the fridge, next to the lemon and the white wine. As it should.

And now, for a crusty loaf of bread.

Mamma has spoken said...

I gave up having fish for pets when they would commit suicide by jumping out of the tank. But if your fish do this, I think the cat will be glad you picked up the white wine and lemon.

Douglas said...

I never considered a fish for a pet. I mean, you can't exactly pet them, can you? They are lousy as sentries and what tricks can one teach them to do?

I'd rather have a lizard.

becca said...

fish are friends not food

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

Goldie Spawn! AWESOME! Best fish name EVER!

a Broad said...

Congratulations on your new fishies and I just love that Lizza Bean .. but watch her.. I know kitties and their sly smiles.

Did I ever tell you about the time that my 4 year old daughter won a beauty contest and won a little bird in a cage.
Which my mothers cat proceeded to murder ?

Wherein I , having just given birth to my son, had to chase the &^%$ing cat through the house , while the cat ran, chuckling, with the bird still in its mouth, peeping ...

When the cat was found, the bird was not...
Until the next day when someone put their boot on .

Gary Baker said...

We had two goldfish. Sam and Fatima. Only Sam or Fatima remain. I have no idea which. Attempts to sex 'Samfita' have, so far, failed.
I asked Yahoo Answers, "How do you sex a goldfish?"
I can't repeat the raucous replies.
Suffice it to say, there are dark corners of the Internet where no goldfish should venture.

Eva Gallant said...

You are amazing! You need to do a book about Liza Bean Bitey and Dolly G!

John McElveen said...

Laughing so hard I can't type--You Young Lady--are sheer Genius--

Even if the story is LITTLE...fishy.

SORRY--THAT WAS SO LAME. THE NAMES A ARE KILLERS!!!!!

j

Barbara Blundell said...

Just watch out that she doesn't add 'one small fishing net' to the shopping list Also perhaps you had better monitor her on line shopping. They are wily things these cats

Cloudia said...

usta keep newts; they had a few pet shrimp and a crawdad neighbor!


Aloha from Honolulu
Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>

Berowne said...

I liked the names of your fish-tank residents. I always wanted a goldfish; I'd name him Salmon Rushdie.

a Broad said...

Clouia, we had a newt ! His name was Fig ( Newton) :)
He was the oldest living newt, died at the ripe old age of 8 in his castle. Yeah, he lived in a castle.

Pat Tillett said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pat Tillett said...

I've had salt water fish and fresh water fish and the garage now has a bunch of empty aquariums in it. Beware of gold fish, they grow and grow and grow...and live forever. Here is my proof...sorry for the link to my own post, but it relates...
http://patricktillett.blogspot.com/2009/09/boots.html

The Jethro Tull reference was priceless...

powdergirl said...

Hah, "Gilles Meloche" ! You're like some kinda latent, closet Canadian over there, hey Pearlie?

Is Lady G'agua a total attention whore, slutty-fish or what?

But "Goldie Spawn"? Wouldn't that be Kate Hudson...?

Ocean Girl said...

I love the way you write. Such depth and vividness and cute and full of unsaid emotions. I wish I could write like you do. If I were to tell a story like you do, I would need slide of pictures with music plus written words.

Welcome to a home you little fishes.

Tracy said...

I love to watch fish in a tank but do not want to bother with the upkeep of one. I would do well to rent one and have someone come in and do the upkeep; ummm,now there's a business :)

Gigi said...

I'd love to say that Miss Liza Bean is just welcoming the fishes into their new home....but for some reason I just don't trust her motives on this one....

NotaSupermom said...

I remember when my fish, Larry, Moe and Curly died of the Ich.
How many more must die before we find a cure for this disease?
I wear a scaly ribbon to raise Ich awareness.

Irish Gumbo said...

Don't forget the flour and a little butter, for a little goldfish meuniere, perhaps. All the rage among cats with discerning palates.

Or so I've heard...

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

Enjoy your new residents. Not you, Liza. Quit salivating!
xoRobyn

Casey Freeland said...

Good luck! The only fish we buy are the thirteen cent goldfish we feed to slither, my son's garter snake. The good news there is they only have to live for a couple of days.

Cheers,

Casey

River said...

Many years ago I had a large tank of assorted tropical fish, now I have a small tank with one siamese fighter. I wiggle my finger in the water and he comes to see if it's food.

AGary Baker; re sexing goldfish, females have a shorter, rounder, underbelly fin, the males have longer, thinner underbelly fins.

Roses said...

I'm hard pressed to feed the Boy, the Cat and water the plants. Throw fish in the equation and there will be fatalities. Thankfully, Boy is now old enough to rumage round the cupboards on his and the Cat's behalf. As for the plants...yes...well..never mind.

It will be yet another thing Boy will add to his list to talk to the therapist about.

I'm surprised Liza Bean hasn't added capers. Capers add a lovely piquancy to any white sauce to go with fish. Dill, is also not to be missed out.

Toomuchtime said...

Sounds like the trailer to a new reality show. Hope your new fish wont suffer the same fate your old ones did...

Jhon Baker said...

Gave me a good belly laugh.