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Sunday, February 6, 2011

Just in Time for Sunday Dinner

My husband’s calves are the size of a Sunday roast.

He comes from a long line of large-legged people. They’re long, they’re sturdy. His father is large legged, his brother is large legged, and his mother? Her legs appear to be one solid bit from calf to foot, a feature known colloquially as a “cankle”.

You may safely conclude from this description that his mother and I are not close.

You may also conclude that the size of Willie’s calves have been the subject of many conversations.

What? You don’t talk about body parts?

“Willie?”

“What?”

“If we were flying over the Andes, and the plane went down –“

“Oh, God,” Willie sighs. “This isn’t the we-eat-your-calves-first conversation again, is it?”

“No! No! Of course not!”

It is. “But I’m just thinking that in the future we may want to pack snacks when we fly. You know, things like carrots and onions and potatoes, maybe packets of salt and pepper –“

“There might be something wrong with you.”

He doesn’t mean it.

There’s also my theory on the nomadic nature of his ancestors.

“Hey, Willie.”

Willie sighs heavily. It is clear that he suffers. “Yes?”

“Where do you think your people were from?”

“The Netherlands.”

“No, I mean, like, don’t you think hundreds of thousands of years ago your people were bounding up and down mountain sides, locking their legs around the necks of saber-toothed Big Horn Sheep or something?”

“Or the necks of their wives.” He pauses, feeling this needs softening. "Ha ha," he adds.

He keeds, this one.

We all have our physical distinctions. I, for example, seem to have a flat spot on the back of my head. Sure it’s strange, but it’s also handy for sleeping on the floor. My mother denies that she strapped me to a board as an infant, but she’s a shifty one. I have my suspicions.

Flat head. Monster calves.

Ah. Life’s rich pageantry.

35 comments:

Jeanie said...

My head is also flat in the back. I never thought of my mother as the board-strapping type, but now I'm a little suspicious.

Toomuchtime said...

Oh wow the part about the plane crash is awesome!

Bossy Betty said...

I am with you on the plane thoughts. I'll bring the BBQ sauce.

lgsquirrel said...

Haha! Very funny. I hope I never have to fly anywhere with you. Don't want you salivating over my belly pork.

Simply Suthern said...

Poor Poor Willie.

Nothing worse than lookin like a cartoon Turkey on a platter when somebody's hungry.

Remember the song Timothy 40 yrs ago?

Linda O'Connell said...

I can't stop laughing. You and I would make wicked neighbors; what one didn't think up the other would. I aggravate my Willy all the time too. http://lindaoconnell.blogspot.com/

Belle said...

Love this post! Well, I love all your posts. I am a bit (ha) overweight and always say I will outlast everyone in the family if we are ever stranded somewhere with no food. That includes a plane crash. Or, I guess they would have a big meal, my treat.

powdergirl said...

Hah, I have flat spot on the back of my head too. All the very best people do. There's no reason for it, thats just how that is, Baby.

And I take it your MIL doesn't read your blog : ) I don't know how you get away with it! I write one slightly derogative word about a local and its like a red flag goes up on their monitor and they read it within a split second of my publishing it! It's a drag because I love a bit o slagging-off.

Carry on, Flat Head.

( Linda's "aggravating her willy? " made me snicker, is that wrong?)

Eva Gallant said...

Aggravating your willy sounds like something that would either give you hairy palms, or make you go blind!

jabblog said...

Linda's unusual if she has a willy . . . :-/

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Now see what you've started.

That Janie Girl said...

I've never seen a flat-headed Pearl.

IndigoWrath said...

Damn, this made me laugh. Poor Willy.

Symdaddy said...

I can't believe that you would eat Willie!!!

Susan in the Boonies said...

I bear the genetic cross of my nose. One of my ancestors must have been a sommelier, and now my cousins, aunts, uncles and I all have the noses to prove it.

At least you can hide a flat spot on the back of your head with some hair. If I try that with my nose, I bump into walls. And look like Cousin It. Your hubby is your built in security package, in case the wagon breaks down over the Rockies. "Donner, Party of two, your table is ready."

a Broad said...

Very funny .. I have seen cankles. I thank god every time that I don't have them. Or should I thank my mom ? She had gorgeous legs !
Now about the flat head .. you are right not to trust her, mine told me she didn't really try to sell me to those people ..

Cait said...

Please post a picture of him wearing jeggings.

becca said...

poor willy getting picked on

Casey Freeland said...

I'm related to your husband, apparently. Huge calves. Netherlands as well. Hmmm, maybe we are related for reals.

Cheers,

Casey

Cheeseboy said...

They should clone your husband - if just for his thighs. They could use them in building a super clone that will dominate the world.

Madame DeFarge said...

But at least the calves will never grow into cows. Or is there something we need to know?

Fay said...

Im lauging out loud AGAIN thankyou fay xx

Gigi said...

Cankles ::shudder:: I must admit with all the issues I have at least I don't have cankles. Tell Willie the votes are in - he's the first to be eaten in the event of an emergency.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

all of a sudden I'm craving pot roast...is that wrong?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Pearl, You are hysterical! "...in the future we may want to pack snacks when we fly. You know, things like carrots and onions and potatoes, maybe packets of salt and pepper ..." Hahahaha,
Cheers, jj

Jhon Baker said...

flat head, eh? sounds like you were left in a car seat for too long - and since you mother would deny this as well - it must have been that time you spent sleeping during class in the back row with your head propped against the wall... or was that me?

WrathofDawn said...

I may be related to Willie. Calves of steel, me. Legs like an elephant.

Veh, veh shexxxy, me.

*sigh*

Kal said...

I too have the mighty legs/calves of DOOM and that allows me to walk around with tree trunks. And carrying those mighty oaks on my shoulders have givin me the lats and shoulders of two bulls. Yes. I am strong man, like bull.

HermanTurnip said...

I think my cat suffers from that same affliction. She looks so bizarre hobbling down the stairs in stiff, shortened strides, her paws barely able to bend. Instead of a "cankle" I wonder if it should be called at "catkle"?

Lazarus said...

There's probably a way to filet Willie's calves without amputating his leg or killing him. The Jeffrey Dahmer cookbook might be a good present for you (put it on your wishlist). You might even want to sample some Willie calf in advance of any Andes plane trips just to know what you're getting. Very funny post, as usual.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Yes, cankles are hell, I speak from experience. Thank all of your genetic ancestors if you do not have them. I curse mine regularly. Never do they have shoes which look good with cankles, and Stacy and Clinton have not yet addressed the affliction.

the walking man said...

You would have to par boil that meat before grilling, too tough needs tenderizing.

Gaston Studio said...

I, too, have a flat spot on the back of my head but never thought that I might have been strapped to a board when an infant. Is that like having your feet wrapped so they don't grow? Gods, what our parents do to us when we're unawares!!

Dr. Cynicism said...

"Flat head. Monster calves." I totally expect to see that emblazoned upon a T-shirt very soon. And I hope to god I see a pic of him wearing it :-)

Cake Betch said...

Hahahahaha! These conversations are always fun.

And also, I hope I can safely conclude that your mother in law does not read this blog?