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Sunday, February 20, 2011

The Cat's Looking for a Job...

The downstairs people have come looking for their newspaper. Again. Earlier in the week, I could honestly say I didn’t know where it was; but this morning, I’ve been forced to lie.

“No, sorry. I can’t imagine what’s happened to it.”

Except I can imagine what’s happened to it. As a matter of fact, I know what’s happened to it.

It’s that lousy cat again.

Ever since the scuffle over the catnip the other day, wherein Liza Bean and Dolly Gee came to blows over who got the last of it, things have been oddly quiet.

Then yesterday, while digging through Liza Bean’s yoga bag, I found a note: emploi de recherch√©.

That little S.O.B.!! You know, it’s not the fact that she is looking for a job – I mean, there’s no call to scribble in “shrimp cocktail” on the grocery list every week unless you’re going to help pay for it! – it’s the fact she’s attempting to keep it a secret by writing the reminder to herself in French!

Sacre bleu!

Of course, now I see it. Now, the signs are everywhere. It's not just the rolled-up want ad section on the floor of the bathroom this morning. It's the incessant grooming, the new boots, the way she runs to the door when the mailman comes. She hasn’t shown this much sparkly-eyed enthusiasm since I found that fish in my coat pocket.

She claims to not know anything about that, by the way. I’m pretty sure it was her, though. Dolly is more of a I-Left-a-Hairball-in-Your-Shoes kind of cat, while Liza Bean Bitey is more subtle, preferring to hide in the shadows while watching the bewildered expression on your face as you pull, say, a fish from your pocket…

Ah, well, if it will keep her busy and help pay for that trip to the Mayan Riviera she’s been yowling about, I’m all for it.

Wait’ll the gang on the bus gets a load of Miss Bitey.

27 comments:

Tracy said...

Ahhh, I wouldn't be too harsh on Miss Bitey, perhaps she just doesn't want to disappoint when her efforts are thwarted. Some of us are like that you know... we don't want to show our vulnerabilities...

Argent said...

Yes indeed, I'd like to see the faces of the gang on the bus when Liza Bean makes her entrance.

SparkleFarkle said...

O how I envy you with your Liza Bean's cat-ambition! My unmotivated "son" Noddy is sure to still be living in our basement 30 years from now. Yes, it's a steady parade of feline furballs (--> Girls! GIRLS! GIRLS!) up and down the cellar stairs, and a constant picking up of Friskies' Party Mix wrappers for me! Although I have put my foot down to him using the car (He never thinks to refill the gas tank, but why should he? He doesn't have any means to pay for fuel, JUST USE IT!), I need to establish more live-at-home rules, I'm affeared...

But best wishes to LB on that job hunt! (Keep us posted, as I would like to have Noddy read of her employment adventure and ongoing success in the work force!)

bruce said...

completely natural for her to look for a job. she is kinda a mover and a shaker.

my boy tucker turned 1 a week ago, and is till more interested in mr stick, mrs bunny, and mr squirel than anything else.

oh and barking at the mailman.

jabblog said...

You have to admire her determination, though!

That Baldy Fella said...

Our cat could only find employemnt if "crawling along the side of the bed then miaowing directly in your ear at 3 in the morning" was a job. Which it really, really isn't.

Kal said...

I love how clueless you are about how she will be getting to work. Do you seriously believe that a diva such as her would ever be seen on something so pedestrian as the bus? I am sure that a condition of employment will be a car and driver. She has that much of an opinion of her own worth. Oh the ego. No worries though. They will check her resume and references. A quick trip through the NASA website will show she was never an astronaut and I know Obama is too busy these days to give her a positive recommendation. You will have to find a way, however, to deal with her eventual disappointment which she will surely take out on you.

Judie said...

Pearl, thanks for your comment on my post. You have just found a new follower! I love your writing style and your subject matter!

lgsquirrel said...

Pearl, come over. I have found more evidence that cats are all up to no good. You are right to be suspicious.

bikim said...

ahahaha!
i had great fun reading!
thanks Pearl!
happy sunday!
Rosa

Oilfield Trash said...

Just be careful if she gets a job with one of those "mafia" companies.

Lana Banana said...

my first and last cat emptied my bank account, slept with my boyfriend and stole my blahniks.

it's all sorts of wrong.

you really gotta watch them, pearl. with BOTH eyes!

i'm just sayin'.

Madame DeFarge said...

It's good to have a purpose in life, even if it does involve biting the hand that fed you.

jenny_o said...

Enjoyed! Thanks.

Eva Gallant said...

I told my husband that Liza Bean was looking for a job. He suggested she try extermination companies, but I said that was absurd for a cat with a degree in accounting! You could do a wonderful book with your Liza Bean and Dolly Gee stories!

Leenie said...

Just got back from a long, long anticipated and saved for trip to the Mayan Riviera. Have Miss Liza Bean sent me an email. I can tell her some fine places to stay and shop.

Tell her the French is out, though. It's more "You geet a ticket,comprende?" That will be a hundred pesos at the policia station or you can give me twenty now and I'll forget all about it."

Gigi said...

The bus would never be the same. But alas, I believe Kal is correct; she would never deign to ride public transportation.

Leenie said...

'erm hundred dohlars not pesos.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I love your - I mean Liza Bean's - cleverness, writing the note in French and all. That is outrageously silly for an SOB (<-LOL). Nicely done, Pearl. Thanks for the laughs.
xoRobyn

Susan in the Boonies said...

If she needs work, we've got something scrambling around in our attic lately that needs taking care of.

How much would a bus ticket to the Boonies be, do you think?

Casey Freeland said...

Is there no way you can earn money on these "animals"?

Cheers,

Casey

Stephanie in Suburbia said...

Does she give out her services at job-finding to other pets? My dog getting a job would so improve things...primarily my mood.

Fragrant Liar said...

Two words: Klepto Kitty
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xhRW4WmfrDA

Maybe your kitty and this one are related?

Cloudia said...

of course! (slaps forehead) how could I forget a pen and paper (so as not to feel naked...)


Miss Bitey - you make me smile!!!!


Aloha from Honolulu
So SORRY I've been missing too long!

Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>

Munir said...

Is Miss Bitey in any way in touch with Miss Piggy? They are both so cool. I do not want to offend either one by praising one in front of the other.

Gaston Studio said...

You really should put these stories in a series of children's books, with a lovely illustrator of course!

Hutch said...

Alas, Rudi the daschund could only get a job as an escort, as he spends most of his day humping the toy known as "squirrel tree".