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Saturday, January 15, 2011

Wherein I Defend How I Define "Fun"

A re-post, while I recover from last night's celebration of the anniversary of my birth...

You know how people say “well, it’s the little things…” and somewhere in the back of your head you find yourself thinking, “Sheesh. That phrase is so old…”?

You know why it’s old?

Because it’s true, dagnabit! It is the little things; and by golly if I have to defend that cliché, I will!

Why, I came across some little things just the other day.

My leg-warmers, for example. I’ve been encasing my legs from ankle to mid-thigh in a pair of gray, cable-knit leggings since October now and will no doubt keep them on until all threat of frost has passed, sometime in June.

I keed! I keed! We should be safe from hypothermia by May…

Think of it! Mother Nature wants to kill me. Why, at this very moment, not only am I wearing the foundation garments you would expect on any female, but also leggings, socks, pants – er, trousers – a camisole, a shirt, a scarf, and a jacket.

And frankly, I feel a little under-dressed, as the jacket’s sleeves are only three-quarters’ length.

The best part about wearing leg warmers, though?

When you finally take them off, wearing only – gasp! – pants, you feel scandalously naked.

Hee! Hee! Hee! No one knows that under my pants my legs are naked!

Oh, and that snickering you hear right now? It’s my readers from across the pond. Apparently the word “pants” to them means “underwear”.

Hee! Hee!


But you know what’s even better than cable-knit leg-warmers?

Are you familiar with driving in the winter, the massive amounts of salty snow and ice that collect within a car’s wheel wells?

Why is the snow salty? Oh, it’s a little service provided by the State of Minnesota. The salt ensures that the ice will melt and that your car will rust properly. No, no, no! No need to thank them. It’s part of what a full-service state will do.

But back to the slush.

When you drive in the snow, loads and loads of it ends up in your wheel wells where it freezes into clumps.

And those clumps, my friends, once you’ve pulled into a parking lot, are an absolute delight to kick from the car. A couple of good kicks and there it goes, hills of filthy ice and snow fall with a satisfying splat.

All across the Great State of Minnesota, parking lots fill with dirty piles of kicked-off car droppings.

So the next time you’re wondering, why in the world do people even bother living in states where the weather tries to kill them with the cold?

Now you know.

Because we love the feeling of kicking large clumps of snow off from under our cars.

And in the summer, we feel like we’re naked.

34 comments:

Roses said...

Yep. I was sniggering. Sorry.

And I agree, you have to find the little things to amuse, in and amongst the dross otherwise there's always the risk of going nuts.

I've been bitching about -10'C, but that's nothing like what you put up with. I have no idea how you do it.

By the way...Happy Hangover Day!

*puts cup of tea next to sofa*

becca said...

great post as always you keep me entertain

Gigi said...

It all becomes clear now why you would want to live in such cold climes - kicking the snow and feeling naked without leg warmers.

Diet coke and greasy food is bound to help with the hangover. Hope you had a great time!

Douglas said...

Back in the 60's (well before you were born, I am sure) there was a catch phrase that went "Caution! I am naked under these clothes."

(This has little to do with your post, of course, but this is my comment and I will do as I please)

Back when I lived in colder climes, I realized something. Somewhere around October each year, my feet would become not merely cold but icy. They would remain that way under Spring the following year. Double socks did not help, fur-lined boots did not help. Nothing, damnit!, helped.

And that is why I live where I do.

Hope you had a wonderful birth anniversary. The best ones are where we become childlike and end up in diapers or, better, naked.

Sausage Fingers said...

Happy belated and all that.
Now I feel bad for my "Warmth and Sunrays" post.
I am a bastard.
Cheers, Sausage....
ps. I you like clam juice then I have a great hangover cure for ya.

Ponita in Real Life said...

I am *always* buck naked under my clothes.

I know. Brazen, aren't I?

Aside from the leggings, I wear what you wear, only multiplied by ten! It is -30C right now (that's -22F), the sun is shining and even the dog doesn't want to go outside.

Hope the anniversary celebrations were stupendous!!!!

Charlotte Ann said...

Happy B'Day Pearl. I hope it was A plus all the way!

Leenie said...

Nakedness and wheel well ice. So eclectic. Hope you recover soon from all the celebration. You've survived ANOTHER year. Congrats.

I call the hunks of dirty snow in parking lots--Yeti turds.

Diane said...

I had forgotten about kicking off snow clumps! I'm originally from NE Indiana, but living in Tennessee now where the schools have been closed all week because of a couple inches of snow! (wow, did I cram a lot into one sentence or what?)

powdergirl said...

I've moved past the leg-warmers Pearl. The husband is a rugby player, and a huge one at that. I steal his socks to wear under my jeans, since they don;t have to work to go around me, they stretch right up to my rear-assets. They're awesome! Aaand, when you remove your jeans at the end of the day, you look like a poster girl for juvenile delinquency. Win win!

Also wearing rugby socks under your clothes lends something extra to kicking the snow off your vehicles. armpits. Seen a NZ Allblack do a Huca(SP?) in a parking lot before? Yeah Baby, I'm terrifying!

Eva Gallant said...

We have similar experiences here in Maine. I'm so glad I'm retired and can sit under my snuggie and watch tv if I want!

bruce said...

happy birth anni!

hope the feeling come back and the head does not hurt!

it may be a little late, but tequila is the devil...avoid it at all costs!

Oilfield Trash said...

I agree with you on that.

a Broad said...

In NYC, I think the biggest danger when it snowed, was avoiding being killed by another driver who said he found the parking spot first.
Or standing there watching your husband dig out the car after that fekking snowplow laughingly buried it ... twice .. and hoping he did not keel over with a heart attack.
Snow can be so deadly, really.
Trousers, pants, big girls blouse... they are crazy over there, you know that don't you ?

Far Side of Fifty said...

Happy belated Birthday! HUNGOVER ARE WE!
This is a great repost..typical life in the great state of Minnesota..especially the snow boogers that hang on behind your tires:)

Georgina Dollface said...

There is something so satisfying about dislodging chunks of stuff from underneath things: cheese baked on underneath a stove element, mud in your shoe treads, dried mustard under the cap...I think I'd fit in in Minnesota, no? - G

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Some of those snow clumps on the wheels are bigger than condos! And a swift hard kick with a snow boot doesn't even budge them! Big, icy, dirty, salty nastiness. I like when you get those giant icicles on the windows that are thick as giant carrots. Cracking those = muchos fun(os).

Pat Tillett said...

I live on this side of the pond, over by the other pond and I also can't relate!
I can relate to how damn funny you are though...
Happy Birthday!

Jeannie said...

I thought I was the only one! I took a very satisfying kick just this morning!

Lynn said...

You describe things so well that I can almost feel the kick out here on the left coast, where we know nothing of this activity.
Happy hangover!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

It's been so long, I completely forgot about the satisfaction of the kerplunk when the salt/snow clump falls out of the wheel well.

Sending sunny thoughts and wishes your way.

SMB

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

I don't kick the ice boogers unless it's a warm day, like 35 F, minimum. When the ice is frozen really solid, it can break your foot. Or your car. Or so I've been told.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Ah, slush. Such an evocative word. Thanks for reminding me of it; I'll think of you every thaw. Indigo

Bambam said...

Happy Birthday Pearl!

Ocean Girl said...

Happy Birthday Pearl. What was the number?

Lazarus said...

Pearl, happy b-day. I won't ask your age, I'll just guess 27 judging by your picture and youthful exuberance! Your gift to us, everday, is your blog postings, thanks! Wishing you many, many more happy birthdays.

Pearl said...

OH, I'm terribly old now! :-)

Nah. Not really old. Not while I have my yoga practice and my imagination!

The snow clumps are most satisfying; and if you've not had the experience first-hand, then please, take my word for it. We find our amusements where we can and dammit, this one is mine!

The birthday well-wishing yielded multiple free drinks AND a cab ride home, so thank you, everyone!

Pearl said...

Oh! And the number? I am now 49. Freaky, iddin it?

Joanna Jenkins said...

Ha! Happy Birthday Pearl!!!!! Hope the celebration was grand.

Dare I say a pair of leg warmers have been on my mind lately cuz So. calif has been really cold (for us wimps). I'd NEVER survive in Minnesota.

Have a great weekend, xo jj

Maundering mutterer said...

Marvellous blog - haven't had time to read more than a few posts back but.. I'm going to enjoy this!

Re this post: I always believe in being warm above being beautiful, and we don't even get snow! Wrap up warm, now!

River said...

Oh I love that suddenly naked leg feeling.I don't shave my legs all winter, then when summer comes and I want to wear shorts, out comes the shaver. The feeling of my long work pants on my freshly shaved legs is exquisite.
Happy Birthday.

Tracy said...

Pearl, I'm so glad to have stopped by as you always add a smile to my face and a bounce to my step...
Happy Birthday and you know what? It IS the little things!

Anonymous said...

Hi Pearl,

Happy Belated Birthday! If your birthday was indeed on Friday, January 14th, we're twins! Well, except for the fact that I have had five more years of living on this planet than you.

I hope the hangover is better today.

Now that I live in central Mexico where it doesn't snow, I no longer have the joy of kicking frozen gunk from the wheel wells of cars, though I had plenty of opportunities when I lived in Kansas and Ohio.

Like another person commented, it's better to wait until the temp is above freezing so the gunk has had a chance to melt a bit before you commence the kicking game. Otherwise, you risk a broken foot and weeks of treacherous negotiation of icy sidewalks, driveways, and parking lots on crutches!

By the way, I think Liza Bean Bitey has been using your laptop on the sly again. Check out this link. It sounds just like one of her commentaries:

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/55e08f57e0/excerpts-from-a-cat-and-dog-s-diary

Happy belated birthday, twin!

Cindi in Mexico

Neo said...

Not really a "leg warmer" type, a)I'm a guy, b)ohio ain't so cold. Do remember that others are in the North, Michigan and Jersey (note I didn't have to prefix New)
You seem to mention Naked alot... should I read into this or is it just a fun word to type?