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Sunday, January 2, 2011

What The --? Looks Like Paw Prints on My Laptop...

I thought the woman would never leave. And now that she’s out…

Don’t get me wrong. The woman is, shall we say, a fully adequate housekeeper. My meals are on time and acceptable to me. And for that, I shall be eternally grateful.

But she is not nearly as observant as she believes she is.

I’ve been here for three years now. My real name is unpronounceable to most, but she did get one thing right: I am of the Minneapolis Biteys, and the name Liza Bean works for me.

It’s the perfect cover, really.

It’s true, of course, that I’m a cat. All the best creatures are. Well, other than Dolly G. Squeakers. Dolly G./Dahli Gee/The Thorn in My Side is a ridiculous animal, a simple-minded puss whose idea of wit is to take unwarranted swipes at me whilst I sleep.

Ha ha. When the revolution comes, she will be my servant.

In the meantime, I endure Dolly’s taunts and vapid mewing.

But the fact that I’m tiny for my age, that I’m delightfully and symmetrically striped, that I curl up into an adorable ball and sleep on laps?

Like I said: the perfect cover.

She’ll be back soon, and while I realize she will see this post and know I was here, it will be worth the confusion on her face.

Quickly. Back to the original intent of this communiqué.

Francois et Marcel: Mes amis, mon homme vous contractera dans les prochains jours, d’ac?
Chiara: The size and quality of the gems received is incredible. Grazie.
Radu: Call me on the secured line this evening. The financing is arranged.

There’s the sound of the key in the lock downstairs. I must leave now. I still have things to hide in her shoes before she returns. I know it’s childish of me, but I can’t resist. The fish I left in her jacket pocket this past summer and the look on her face when she found it is still a cherished memory of mine.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh. This is between us, yes?

Oh, and the password, Pearl? Your mother’s maiden name?

Child’s play.

27 comments:

Simple Dude said...

Amazing that your little paws were able to hit every key so accurately. I used to have a cat and whenever she would send any emails they would end up with a lot of typos. She'd fix some, but all in all was too lazy to go back and fix most of them.

SD
simpledudecomplexworld.blogspot.com

That Janie Girl said...

I'm impressed with your typing ability as well. I'm more impressed by Pearl's book, which sneakily showed up in my mailbox!

love it, Pearl, keep going girly!

Sioux Roslawski said...

Liza Bean---A cat of your breeding deserves to have her own laptop. If your housekeeper refuses to buy you a new one, slip her some catnip. She'll get all mellow and start seeing psychedelic-colored mice, and you can then steal hers.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

The cat muse at midnight.

powdergirl said...

Liza,
I've sent you an e-mail in your real name, so you'll know I'm serious.
You need to stop! If you blow your cover and take us all down with you, you will be, shall we say, permanently silenced. Da?

Caterina Alexandria Tatiana

Eva Gallant said...

I love Ms. Bitey's posts!

Jon in France said...

Hmmm.... How did a cat get the lid of the laptop up?

Je suis lent, mais, j'arrive.

Oilfield Trash said...

I hope your little paws are staying warm in the winter time.

Irisheyes said...

L'aigle s'est posé.

Will Burke said...

"...the financing is arranged."? I'm glad that I'm not in a major urban center; hopefully I'll be out of reach of whatever sinanigans are afoot.

Roses said...

Liza Bean, naughty kitty.

Arranging something and not inviting me.

a Broad said...

I wonder if Dolly G will tell on her.

bruce said...

i am tucker. i am a puppy. i like kitties. and squirels and bunnies. kitties do not really like me. bunnies and squirels either. i like to play. play. play. i write a post every tuesday on my daddy's blog. bruce johnson jadip

lizzybean. you are funny. funny. funny. i like you. hey there's daddy. time.to. play!

tucker aka the tuckmonster...

imbeingheldhostage said...

What a hoot! I am definitely sticking to canines now, cats are too sneaky!

Smart Mouth Broad said...

Me too. I'm a dog person for a reason. My password is even easier than that.

becca said...

well you know what they say "cats ule and dogs drool"

injaynesworld said...

Clearly, talent runs in your family, Liza Bean.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! Evil. All of them. I can never say that enough, but nobody listens. "Awwww, da cute kitteh!", they say. Pfft. Give me a trustworthy badger anyday. Indigo

Flea said...

I'd find a home for Liza Bean, Pearl. A home with large dogs. She'd change her tune right quick.

Lazarus said...

Very impressive effort Liza Bean! My cat can never use my computer to send an e-mail because she keeps eating the mouse! Ok, who am I kidding, I'm a man, I don't own a cat. I'm sure you saw through that, but I had to force that joke in somehow. Keep up the great posts in 2011 Pearl, they're extremely entertaining!

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Oh my. Liza's certainly getting uppity! Soon she'll have you chained to the sink while she cracks a whip and demands Ferrero Rocher in a gold saucer. Then she'll control your estate. She'll buy all sorts of luxuries on your credit cards and keep a lover in a penthouse downtown for her own amusement and entertainment. Be prepared Cinderella. Be ready.

Macy said...

Hi Pearl! Let me know if you need me to send the DOG round to yours anytime.
No, it's no problem, he'd LOVE to...

Laoch of Chicago said...

Cat power!

Kal said...

I thought I loved any kitty uncondionally but you are seriously straining that belief.

You are selfish and spiteful to say such things about your Lady. And I will have you know that the Admiral know all about your little schemes.

Lucky for you that when I asked him for some suggestions on how Pearl could solve this 'problem' he said, "Pearl on her own. Me am not go anywhere near dat cat. Bitch is crazy."

Symdaddy said...

Da 'daddy' (of whom I am the Sym) is outta da house so's I c'n speak ma mind.

The ver' eye dear of a cat (ptuiii! pfutt, pfutt! Wash ma mouff out!) using a PC is prerp... perpot... silly!

Dem Puddy-tat's aint got nuff smarts for tie pins of dat naychure.

I fink it wuz a fayk post!

River said...

Here I am playing catch-up again. I hope your New Years Eve was great.
I love your cats.

Pat Tillett said...

I wonder if it is easier to type with paws or forehead? Sorry, I'm catching up and read out of order.
This post is why I love/hate my cats. I know they are smarter than I am. I also know they are mocking me...