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Monday, January 3, 2011

The Right to Bare – and Aching – Arms

You won’t be mad, will you, if I write clad entirely in clothing that may or not bear labels that say “One Size Fit All”? The elastic is so much easier for me to deal with...

The last few days have been a whirlwind of visiting, drinking, and, so help me, an attempt at 108 Sun Salutations.

A Sun Salutation, to the uninitiated, is a series of yogic postures. It mimics the sun during the course of a day and is often done at the start of a season.


In other words, there’s a lot of up and down in doing 108 Sun Salutations.

It took just under two hours to approach the limits of my abilities to fold forward, to perform chaturanga pose (the yoga push-up), to keep my Monkey Mind on what I was doing and not on, say, my grocery list.

I finished 82 of the 108 Sun Salutations that I set out to do, which is about what I had hoped for.

But in the end, I got more than that.

As a result of two hours of exercise in a heated room – and in addition to the appetite I developed and the opening of every pore I possess – it appears that I’ve lost the use of my arms.

Arms! Who needs ‘em, huh?

Luckily, I’ve discovered a number of “work-arounds” to the situation. For example, the two heavy appendages now hanging at my sides – I see them in my mind’s eye as salamis – while useless, have brought forth a previously undiscovered talent, i.e., the ability to type with my forehead.

I’ll pause while you visualize this.

I was also forced to brush my teeth today by laying my face on the toothbrush and shaking my head vigorously from side to side.

It worked pretty well, but you should see my lipstick…

So here we are, the first Monday of the new year; and I’m ready: same attitude, new date. Out of the “aughts” and into the – what? “Teens”? Do we have a name for this next decade? Do we need one?

“Start as you mean to finish”, the Brits say, and I, so far, am digging how it’s begun – although it appears I will not be doing any of said digging with my arms.

46 comments:

Jinksy said...

As there is no chance of the sun showing its face here, I feel I am absolved from having to salute it once, let alone 108 times. All power to your elbow - er- arms- for managing 82.

Pat Tillett said...

"For example, the two heavy appendages now hanging at my sides – I see them in my mind’s eye as salamis – while useless, have brought forth a previously undiscovered talent, i.e., the ability to type with my forehead."

I just spewed coffee on my computer! Freakiing hilarious!!! You are too darn funny...

Chantel said...

Alright, number two would land me on my ass and at the chiropractor. Number three makes me very uncomfortable...flashbacks to an old job.

Salamis are so delish with cheese... (channeling my hannibal lector here)

Pearl said...

Jinksy, a bit overcast here as well. We hope to lure the sun out by, oh, April...

Pat, high priase from a writer of your caliber! Thank you! Big, and only slightly painful, smiles over here!!

Chantel, very funny! :-) I do love my yoga.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Maybe if they had snacks positioned on the ground and up above it might be easier for me to do at least 6 of those. Maybe.

Boom Boom Larew said...

The art of typing with your forehead becomes much simpler if you have a large, pointy nose. Arms are really overrated.

Simply Suthern said...

I did a few of those poses this weekend. It was more of a salutation to Oldsmobile. My arms were scratched up and my ribs bruised but she breathes again.

Good Luck on 108.

savannah said...

i used to be a practitioner of yoga and i have the dvd's to prove it, sugar! (i am laughing at myself for what i just said, btw.) xoxox

Pearl said...

Sarah, what a fabulous idea!!

Boom Boom, the typos are amazing as well. :-)

Simply, I knew there would be a practical application for all this bending and stretching. Now I just have to get a car!

Savannah, oh, I could never do it if I weren't next to a lot of women in their 20s and 30s. Show ME up will they?! HA!

Barbara Blundell said...

Have you tried Savasana ? I prefer it to Salute the Sun

Oilfield Trash said...

My brother calls those arms "school bus driver arms".

lesinfin said...

Wow, that's a lot of saluting. Happy New Year!
xoxo

who said...

what disciple of yoga are you praying to? As I understand it the range of motion begin at ADA (as in A and not U)

ellen abbott said...

Ah yoga, I knew thee well but am in desperate need of a re-introduction. On the other hand, I have two brand new 10 pound weights just waiting for me to remember what to do with them.

Ruthibelle said...

lol.. Pearl, you're too funny.

Happy new year and here's to the arms coming back to full function in the coming weeks (months?)

Big Fat Gini said...

I love sun salutation! It is the one yoga position that the Wii Fit says I can do perfectly.

And I have now just proven how sad I really am.

Happy New Year, Pearl!

Pearl said...

Barbara, savasana is, by far, my favorite pose. :-)

OT, I love the picture that put in my head...

lesinfin, hey. :-) It was a pretty good year and deserved all that saluting. :-)

who, it's hatha flow, I believe. One movement to one breath. Or, in my case, toward the end of the practice, one movement to two breaths...

ellen, I have two 10-pound weights, but I'm afraid they're attached to my rear end...

Ruthibelle, I'm hoping to be able to brush my hair by Wednesday. Keep your fingers crossed!

BFG, I've not tried Wii Fit yet, but knowing me, it's something I'd do with a beer in my hand. :-)

Roses said...

*puts fingers in ears*

La la la la

I'm hoping to start a yoga regime. I don't need the images in my head as I try and work up the enthusiasm to go.

(hope your salamis settle down soon)

Leenie said...

Okay, I love yoga too. I finally worked into staff position that transitions into forehead-on-the-knees (whatever thats called. Pretty proud of myself until I had to move my hamstrings the next day. But 108 sun salutations is a little excessive isn't it?

Maybe you could get Liza Bean to type for you....dunno what you'd have to offer her for the service but it might be worth it. Bet she could help with the lipstick too.

Willoughby said...

I've had the salami arms and they sure can be painful. At least you didn't get the kielbasa legs along with them. Just try doing anything other than rolling on the floor when you have the salami/kielbasa combo!

Yoga....a few years ago I decided that I wanted to get into shape (any shape) by doing yoga. My husband bought me an instructional DVD and I had gotten some new workout clothes. I popped the DVD into the player, ready to contort myself when the instructor told me to go get my blocks and a few other pieces of equipment. What blocks? What other equipment? I thought yoga used your body and nothing more. I haven't tried it again since.

Jhon Baker said...

hilarious. as usual. Not to be that guy, however, the aughts ended with 2009. We start counting years at zero not 1. Think about it 2000 - 2009 is ten years - the aughts. The 2010 year which just came to a thankful close was the first year of the teens or as I call them - the whatevers. 2010 can't be an aught anyway (or an ought I am told), it lacks the necessary double zero - so 2010 would fuck up the whole aught thing anyway.
not to not be that guy - I also mentioned you and your blog and chapbook in my blog today. See, I am a good person.

Grant said...

I do a few sun salutations on my Wii before I decide I'd rather get my exercise via virtual frisbee golf.

Sweet Cheeks said...

*applauds Pearly Girls efforts*

Good on you, Honey - you show those youngsters who's boss!
;-)

Macy said...

Frankly I am Lost in Admiration of anyone who can shake her head over a toothbrush. Mine is moving very slowly and gently right now.
Behind sunglasses whenever possible.

Pearl said...

Roses, please don't let my silly descriptions stop you! :-) I love yoga!

Leenie, Liza Bean is busy registering for college. She can't be bothered!

willoughby, there's a sausage joke in there somewhere that I will need a drink (or two) to uncover. Nah, I don't use blocks or anything. Some days, just showing up is proof of my devotion.

Dammit, Jhon! I wondered about that. :-) (And I changed the spelling. Dammit!)

Grant, lovely little stretch, iddin it?

Sweet Cheeks, sometimes, a competitive nature and utter denial is all I've got!

Bossy Betty said...

Carry some crackers in your armpits and you'll be set for the next party you go to.

IndigoWrath said...

Hey Pearl! 108 sun salutations? Admirable, but unnecessary; the sun's kinda busy, and only tunes in for the first half dozen. After that she's just trusting you to follow through. The sun is female? Of course. You want to trust a man with all that fire? Indigo

Lynne H. said...

Haha!! Reminds me of when I started exercising regular last spring and was all GI Jane the first 2 days, day 3 had my legs feeling like they were paralyzed. I recall literally dragging the right one through the hallways at work..

It'll get better salami-girl:-)

Eva Gallant said...

You make me so happy I didn't sign up for that yoga class at the gym!

Gary Baker said...

I like yoga. Raspberry's my favourite flavour with bramble a close second. Though quite why you'd salute it is beyond me.
Hope your twenty-eleventy is a good one - cheers.

Pearl said...

Macy! Now how did you slip in there? Missed ya... And oh, yes. The hangover. I did one of those just the other day. Nasty little thing. I was completely against it. :-)

Bossy, I LOLed at that one. Crackers in my armpits. :-)

Indigo, you made me laugh as well. How in the world did all these silly people find my blog? :-)

Lynne, I like that: salami-girl. I'm gonna need a cape and a pair of tights...

Gary, so glad you dropped by because I could not recall your blog and I wanted to let you know that your book "The Ardly Effect" was fantastic. Seriously. I loved it, have visited your blog, where I heaped even more love of your book. Critiqued it favorably on Amazon as well. Am order "Nurse Becky Gets Shot" tomorrow and have added you to my blogroll so I never forget your blog again.
Oh, and twenty-eleventy? You nailed it. :-)

Tracy said...

Pearl,
You are too funny! You know I laugh about not having arms to use but I knew a man born with no arms and he did everything...Everything!!! drive, mow the lawn, cook and it was amazing :)
I hope your appendages improve greatly~

Gigi said...

Pearl - thank you for making me laugh out loud after a very long day!

Not that I'm laughing *at* you; you understand - I'm just ....... well ..... ummmm, let's just leave it at thank you.

becca said...

i've always wanted to try yoga

Cheeseboy said...

I mean, I use my arms for very little. Mainly I just show them off at the body building competitions.

Joanie said...

I hate yoga. that's it.

Marilynne said...

I didn't do anything special for the new year. Now I see it as a missed opportunity. I did exercise at Curves. Even there I was mediocre. My trainer has suggested we add more exercise and I panicked. I don't even like to think about it.

Good for you and your salute to the sun. It made it an event of some importance to you.

Tempo said...

I don't believe anyone's named this decade yet Pearl...go your hardest. (I think you'd at least name it expressively)
Yeah, arms are pretty overrated, and that whole opposable thumbs thing...who needs it!

Symdaddy said...

For some reason I REALLY do believe you did all that.

I can't wait to see the video!

Gary Baker said...

Pearl: you have no idea how much that meant to me. No idea. Tears? Don't be silly. Just dust in my eyes ...

The Jules said...

No 8 looks more like a moon salutation than a sun one.

At least it does when I do it.

Anairam said...

Thanks for the visit to my blog, Pearl. I am kind of wondering how you landed up there? Not that I mind - I like meeting new people, the more, the merrier. I do yoga too, but I strongly suspect ours is the gentler, old-lady-stretching kind. My best part is the last 15 minutes when we get to lie down under a blankie and snooze.

Kass said...

I salute you, but not as handily as you postured to the sun. Great blog, here.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Oh my--the picture of you vigorously shaking your head back and forth to brush your teeth...

River said...

Pearl. An 'armless character.....

R. Jacob said...

tears came to my eyes as I pictured you brushing your teeth!