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Wednesday, January 12, 2011

It’s Possible I’ve Been Affected by the Cold

I hate to say anything – there are repercussions, after all, for Failure to Keep a Stiff Upper Lip. What with it so early in the season, one likes to pace these things, but I’m afraid there’s no getting around it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have tired of winter.

We kid ourselves, we temperate-zone living types. But if you left Minnesota, you’d miss the change in seasons! We’re somehow better than others because we suffer… Yes, I will return to those rationalizations soon, don’t you worry; but in the meantime, won’t someone think of the children?

And by “children”, of course, I mean me.

It’s tiring, all this “cold”. One finds oneself starved for green, for moist nasal passages, for inappropriately dressed teenagers. Summer is half a world away, and every building you leave implies a vengeful Mother Nature, every open door is an invitation to your potential demise and a local headline.

Inappropriately Dressed Woman Found Dead. Local Authorities Mock Her Stupidity.

It’s true. You can still find people here in tennis shoes, in “hoodies”. My advice to you? Do not go near those people. They are delusional, possibly dangerous, and should be shunned, or, at the very least, presented with a thin-lipped show of disapproval.

But oh, how I want to step outside with nothing on but my undies, pants, shirt, socks, shoes, and possibly a jaunty little cap! I want to run down the center of an ice-free street! I want to hear the birds again, the sound of car stereos, the increasingly bizarre mating rituals of the young and uninhibited!

I want to live!

Alas, it’s mid-January. The Mississippi River has frozen over, my porch serves admirably as a walk-in cooler, and the cats double as hot water bottles. The ground is white, the sky is white, and stories of snow-blindness and those slit-eyed glasses the Inuit made out of whale bone come to mind.

And there’s two and-a-half months left.

Shhhhh. Did you hear that? Listen! Is that ruddy-faced skier from Accounting near the copier again? Do you think he heard me? Public displays of winter intolerance are frowned upon, and I’ve not been properly rosy-cheeked this month, nor have I said “uff da” yet this year.

I didn’t mean any of it, okay? It – it – you won’t say anything, will you? I like winter! I like the cold!

It keeps the riff-raff out!

Please. I have a reputation to uphold.

47 comments:

Jeannie said...

I'm generally tired of winter when I have to wear socks and definitely when the white stuff first requires shoveling. I don't think we have it as bad here in Southern Ontario as you do there but I have lived in snowier climes as well. I would like the opportunity to see if I would miss the change of seasons.

bruce said...

uff da jokes...cold...and beer...oh and fishing. i love Minnesota! but i couldn't live there..

glad i live in michigan where it is not quite as cold, or snowy, and we are free to bi*ch at with abandon about our short end of the stick and nine months of winter!


excellent post as usual!

Bruce
bruce johnson jadip
evilbruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
Bruce’s guy book
the guy book
Dreamodel Guy
dreamodeling!

Pearl said...

Jeannie, I've heard that, that Southern Ontario is not as snowy. Frankly, I'm against.it. It's CANADA! Please! Be colder/snowier, would you?!

Bruce, actually, that's not true. The next knock you hear at your door will be The Authorities. You're not being properly Michiganer.

:-)

Eva Gallant said...

I just love reading your posts, Pearl. You are so funyy. You make my day!

That Janie Girl said...

I don't guess i can gripe that it's an unusually cold 20 degrees here today....when it's usually 60 or so!!

Pearl said...

Eva, thank you. :-) I love doing it, although it's weird how often I think the comments are as funny as the post!

Oilfield Trash said...

Oh the joys of winter time in the north. I am glad I no longer have to go through that crap.

Joanie said...

I'm reading this, and the 13 year old boy who lives across the street is shoveling my driveway. He's wearing short, sneakers, no hat, no jacket, no gloves. Not even a hoodie. crazy.

Pearl said...

Janie, no, indeed, you cannot. :-)

OT, painful, isn't it? I can't believe you opted out...

Joanie, write that boy a ticket! When he's done, give him a treat and tell him you were going to give him TWO treats but you had to fine him for weather-related silliness!

Simply Suthern said...

Down south one is expected to complain regardless. For example, "It only got up to 45 today, Brrrr", it's really sad.

We have some ice. Schools have shut down for 3 days so far. Sheesh.

Can you just move your fridge contents outside and unplug the freezor for a couple months to save power?

Symdaddy said...

It's a wonderful time of year Pearl!

No squashed hedgehogs, no boy-racers, no kids out on bikes.

So it's cold! So what? So's my mother in law, but I don't hate her ... more than is otherwise usual.

Do yourself a favour ... paint your lenses green (imitation summer), strip off (Ooooooo!) and run down the street anyway.

Even if you don't enjoy it,I'm sure the folks at the bus stop will.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

I want to sit down on the toilet, in the middle of the night, without inhaling deeply first...

Bouncin' Barb said...

I'm a transplant to SC from New England. I say proudly I Hate Winter! And I'm being punished because it's so friggen' cold here in the south. The first day it hits 60 we're heading to the beach. Great post!

http://bouncinbarbs.blogspot.com

haphazardlife said...

I dream of warmth. Of heat, of T-shirts and sandals.

I would NOT miss the change of seasons. Nope.

Unfortunately, the best I can do re moving to the heat is Vancouver where it rains 300 days out of the year.

- Jazz

Sweet Cheeks said...

Now that you mention it...that guy from accounting is rather shifty looking...isn't he?

I wonder who else isn't what they seem in your office building. Do I smell a conspiracy?
;-)

Flea said...

Tulsa! Come to Tulsa! It's 25 degrees and sunny out right now and I can see the brown grass in the yard.

WrathofDawn said...

Please don't hate me, but winter appears to have been cancelled on the island of Newfoundland. We have NO SNOW. Not a flake. And nothing other than flurries predicted for the foreseeable future. And the temp has not gone lower than a -6 C windchill.

It's the end of days, man. The end of days.

Far Side of Fifty said...

Uffda..well the cold does keep the riff raff out..but you live in Southern Minnesota..ha! That would be the warmer part of the state..the Minnesota Banana Belt..you will have spring a whole month before me..but you have all those people in hoodies and tennis shoes to put up with!
today the sun is shining up here..and it is not below zero so it is a good day. I hate winter too:(

savannah said...

ok, so what you're really, saying is that i can't complain about it being 40℃ right now because it's sunny and it's only going to be 26℃ tonight? is that it, sugar? ;~D xoxoxox

Pearl said...

:-)

We can't move the fridge outside. :-) The outside is the freezer! (Seriously -- get your beer out fo the car trunk now. That stuff will blow up and ruin everything...)

bruce said...

pearl-

good job on the four days of smoke free...

i would have responded sooner but that knocking...it WAS the authorities, and i did get a stern talking to about my weather wrongdoings and seasonal SADsayings...

and then i had to find the phone, seems tucker is dialing some numbers in the 612...he keeps mumbling lizzy-lizabean....and playin..

Bruce
bruce johnson jadip
evilbruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
Bruce’s guy book
the guy book
Dreamodel Guy
dreamodeling!

Leenie said...

I-HEAR-YOU! And it is snowing some more. (Must get another cat to warm the other side of my body.)

Deb Shucka said...

I was done with winter (am every year) the day after Christmas. And I live in the Pacific Northwest where gray is the color of the season, but we can at least get around fairly easy. It's so nice to know I'm not alone. :-)

Douglas said...

Cold? You don't understand cold until you spend 9 months of the year in 80 plus degree days and then face a night in the 20's. I am freezing to death down here! It's 52! Fahrenheit, that is. I may have to put on socks today...

The horror!

Macy said...

Sigh... but you will get a Summer won't you??? When you do will you spare a thought for those of us living in Scotland, who Never Ever Expect To Leave the House Without A Cardigan.
Ever.
Nope. Not even in July...

who said...

wasn't a headline, but I read somewheres "the intrappropriate addressed women were flown home to Atlantis, G or D e-Yah, were they were then professionally a noun, dayed"

Pat Tillett said...

I've been there! I made an immediate promise to myself that I'd never return unless it was spring or summer... You northerners are made of stronger stuff than I.
A friend always says, "If palm trees don't grow there, don't go there..." I think he's on to something!
great and funny post btw!

Tempo said...

your secret is safe with us Pearl..if it's any consolation summer seems to have gone on holiday this year, it should be here in Oz just now..it should be hot enough to fry an egg on the sidewalk. (yes you really can, most of us do it at one time or another...just to prove it. Yes! I have) Its still lovely weather here, still high 70's- low 80's. So I'm off camping by the sea this wkend...but I just got an awesome book in the mail so I'll have some reading to do. Cheers!

HumorSmith said...

Pearl, I'm with you all the way. If God had meant us to be cold, he'd've made sure we had plenty of blubber. Okay, so some people have that. They're the ones who should live where it's cold. As for me, I want to take my skinny ass back to AZ. Pronto. Now. Soon.

Marjie said...

Maybe the cold does keep the riff raff out, but I'm afraid we have more than 2-1/2 months left to go. Sorry, Pearl!

Thanks for visiting me today; it was nice to meet you!

The Unbearable Banishment said...

Do you know how you can tell you're an adult? Snow isn't fun anymore. I was in Phoenix for over a year. Believe me. You'd miss it.

a Broad said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
a Broad said...

I was Done with winter a few months ago ... now it is Summer, Full Blast and Humid and whereas in Winter you can add clothes, in Summer, you can only take off so many and still go out, if you know what I mean. And it doesn't matter because it is still So Fekking Hot .. the pigeons are panting Pearl !!!

Come visit .. you will be soooo happy to go back to Cold.

Gigi said...

I'm sick of winter - I'm not ashamed to admit it. Come on down to NC, Pearl. You still get all four seasons - but apparently our winter is nowhere nearly as violent as yours. In fact, you might find it positively balmy. We've had an inch or two of snow and ice. School was cancelled on Monday before the weather even started. And has been closed ever since. In fact, I just received notification that it will be closed again tomorrow! And? We all love to complain about the winter - you wouldn't be shunned.

What the hell is "nuff da?" Obviously I don't speak Minnesota.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

I want to see curbs again.

injaynesworld said...

Poor Pearl! I can't even imagine what you must suffer through every year. Clearly, you are a much hardier soul than I am and I have no doubt you will be rewarded for such if there's an afterlife. And if not.. wow, that just sucks.

But it's fun to read about. ;)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I am shivering quietly for you and the other children of Minnesota.
xoRobyn

Cyrus said...

I just looked up uff da and I am now going to make an effort to use it in every day conversations now. If only I could get that sweet upper midwestern accent down. :[

becca said...

so true i'm with you ready for warmer weather

Lazarus said...

I've never heard a Minnesotan complain about the cold before, I'm stunned! I know you're made of tougher stock than that Pearl, it must just be a bad day...

the walking man said...

here this should help you Pearl


hehehehehehehe

Sausage Fingers said...

Anna Maria Island!!!! first round on me. They are running short on the wee umbrellas for fruity drinks but we can slosh beer and whisky.

ladyfi said...

I hear you! I'm keeping a stiff upper lip - mainly due to the fact that it has frozen like this!

a Broad said...

the walking man .... I got such a wave of claustrophobia looking at those photos !!! oh my god .. shuddering.

Douglas said...

A Broad, take a trip to Rio, you can take off practically everything and still go out.

I don't quite understand the "you can only take off so much" sentiment. Sounds like fun to me...

ICKY said...

HEY Sausage...I live on A.M.I. as well !
2nd round is one me !!

Jhon Baker said...

The cold indeed keeps the riff raff out - or indoors which is where I prefer to stay here in bitterly cold backwards illinois.