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Sunday, January 9, 2011

I Thought the Little Buggers Were Supposed to Groom Themselves

Dolly Gee Squeakers, formerly of the Humane Society Squeakers, long-haired and badger-shaped, is at the cat-equivalent of the salon, and quite against her will.

She was somewhat vocal about it on the way there.

Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) appears unmoved.

“Long-haired cats," she muses, “The gift that keeps on giving. What’s a good grooming cost these days, anyway?”

Liza Bean has touched a sore spot with me. She knows how I feel about the bathing-and-shaving-of-the-back-end-of-a-cat expenses. It’s on par with the maintenance of acrylic nails.

When you’re in, you’re in; and it just never ends.


What’s a good grooming cost these days?


Liza Bean, the traces of a smile on her lips, fixes her gaze upon me.

I mumble a number in her general direction.

The laughter is almost unbearable. It is several long minutes before she regains her composure.

After pointing out her own impeccable grooming habits and forcing me to endure a lecture on economical versus non-economical kittehs, she holds her paw out.

I deposit half the amount I’d spent on Dolly there.

“So all that said,” she purrs, flipping casually through the cash, “you’re picking her up? She’ll be returning?”

“Of course,” I say. “We love her.”

“Are you sure?” she purrs insinuatingly. “Things happen. Kitties change their minds.”

I frown at her. Pet-based insolence is one of my least favorite forms of insolence, and I coldly mention that the possible presence of mice in the basement may preclude the need for purchased cat food in the near future.

“All right, all right”, she says, smiling, green eyes sparkling.

I would stay and argue, but there’s a cat to pick up at the groomers.

I’m off now, off to pick up Dolly Gee, who will be perfumed, fluffy, and thankful to be retrieved. Liza Bean, relishing the last of the peaceful existence of “an only kitty”, is on the internet, no doubt shopping, now that she’s come into a little money.

Everyone’s happy.

27 comments:

David L Macaulay said...

badger shaped? Your posts never fail to amuse me.

Kittie Howard said...

I'm a cat lover so enjoyed a good chuckle.

becca said...

love your post you are very entertaining

Sioux Roslawski said...

Dolly's drain (on your expenditures, which limits how much you can spend on the more thrify of your kitties) must be stopped.

Sell Dolly to a pillow factory, and purchase a cat of the hairless variety, so Liza Bean's spending does not have to be curtailed...

Ponita in Real Life said...

Lila is rather badger-shaped also, from attacking anything even remotely edible. But she manages (for the most part) to keep the rear end clean. And when she fails, I get her under warm running water, despite all the caterwauling and pitiful tears.

I am loathe to drop the cold hard cash for a cat's behind clean and fluff. In that, I am quite self-sufficient, a trait my cats have learned to fear.

Deb Shucka said...

What with their diet of baby food (chicken) and cream, my three crochety cronish country cats think it's appalling yours had to resort to manipulating for money. :-)

Thanks for visiting Catbird Scout. I'm so glad to know you and will be back.

Becky C. said...

New book, please, with just the cat stuff. Hilarious!!

Eva Gallant said...

I love your cat posts. I always have to read them to my husband.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'm still picking off husky hairs from my clothes after Finland. Some dogs are just as bad.

Tracy said...

What a pampered young lady! :)

Macy said...

The rear end of a Border Collie develops dreadlocks when left unattended.
Just saying. to make you feel better on the cat ownership front...

Roses said...

Thank goodness, The Cat is short-haired. She's also vain, and shows off her bum at every given moment.

Mind you, if I that cute a toosh, I suppose I would too.

John McElveen said...

BEAUTIFUL!!!!

PS: How much DOES a good grooming cost? Do I even wanna know-? We have two Low maintenance cats--that is until they read YOUR POST. ar ar!

We need to get our Lab done--I don't know when she frizzed up? Lightening Strike--Bad hair Days??

Anyhoo- I think it would be worth it, to have it professionally done! ONCE- anyway!

Great stuff!!

John

John McElveen said...

Oh- Pearl-- LuLu and I are going to do a fun Book review of Cloudia's book. Would you like us to let you know so you can join in?

We are still deciding on the format etc, so any suggestions would be welcomed!

John

a Broad said...

Pup laughs , arf arf arf , at the idea that a cat is washable.
He tried to wash our cat ... cat wasn't really into that idea.
But the cat did do a nice job washing the puppy, until it got too big.

Pup has to be groomed ... such a big deal. oy.

Joanna Jenkins said...

In my next life I want to come back as your cat :-)
Cheers, jj

Lisa said...

I read this aloud to 3 of 5 cats. They approve!

Lo said...

I LOVE your cat blogs!
And also your non-cat blogs. You are a jewel.

xl said...

My cat Lola has silky fine hair, which is low maintenance (on my part).

My cat RJ has thicker coarser hair. I have to thoroughly rinse his hair after shampooing. Otherwise, it will form spiky knots and he looks like Sonic The Hedgehog.

Lazarus said...

Your cat conversations are classics, very funny stuff. I'm guessing that their actual thoughts aren't very far off from what you're ascribing to them...

lgsquirrel said...

Sadly, my own hair grooming has succumbed to Liza Bean's economic reasoning.

The Lissst! said...

I allergic to cats but I love this post.
Oh, and I have a follower widget now.
And I tagged you in my latest post.

Belle said...

I took my little dog to be groomed once. They told me she kept trying to bite them. They were not polite to me about it. Then they carried her to me, she jumped at me, I dropped her and she landed on the cement floor on her head. Since then, I groom her myself.

Rob said...

You always make me smile

Thank you

Gaston Studio said...

Also love your cat posts and really appreciate the smiles this morning as I've been so sick and didn't have much to smile about!

Pat Tillett said...

I love cats and I love your stories!
You are hilarious...

poosemommy said...

I have known a few badger-shaped felines. They do have such a hard time with the grooming...
Watch that green-eyed Liza Bean, she has plans for those mice and it does not involve a smaller budget for Purina (check your shoes and coat pockets)