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Sunday, January 30, 2011

He Just Looks Really Surprised to Me…

Willie is growing his hair out.

Despite having the follicle wherewithal to produce a full head of hair, he’s been shaving it since before we met.

“That’s how they get ya,” he says, mugging for himself in the mirror. “Big Hair wants you to give up your ability to shave your head and pay them to do it for you.”

“Big Hair?”

“Yeah, you know. Like Big Pharma. The industrial complex behind the hair-cutting industry. It won’t be long before only outlaws are cutting their own hair.”

“So what do you suppose the thinking behind that is?”

Willie rolls his eyes. “Isn’t it obvious? First we’re paying to have someone else cut our hair, next thing you know we’re paying others to wash our cars –“

“—or shave our cats’ butts.”

“That,” he says, pointing a warning finger at me, “is a necessary part of our economy.”

“Hmm,” I concede. No point getting into an argument over that one.

I glance at Willie. His hair is much darker than one would expect, had one only seen him clean shaven. Not quite black but darker than brown, he has one of the most pronounced widow’s peaks I’ve ever seen. A cross between Bela Lugosi and Count Chocula, his hair appears to have been drawn onto his skull by someone with a cartoon-ish sense of humor and more felt-tip markers than he knows what to do with.

He’s done this before, tried to grow his hair out. His stick-straight hair grows, reaching for the sun, refusing to lie down until it is well over two inches long, giving him the appearance of having recently discovered something quite shocking…

I snap my fingers. “I just figured it out,” I say.

He looks at me expectantly.

“Wooly Willy. Remember the guy with the magnetic filings? You dragged them around with a special pen, gave Wooly Willy different hairstyles, facial hair?”

Willie shakes his head somewhat sadly. Once again, I’ve failed to appreciate his struggles. One can almost hear him: Today it is his hair; tomorrow it will be my suspicions that one of the reasons he refuses to fix the car’s passenger door – it can only be opened from the outside – is that he enjoys the admiring glances so many women shoot him when he opens my door.

You can almost hear them thinking aloud. “That car appears to be on its last legs – is that balsa shims and shoelaces holding the front bumper on? – yet he comes around to open the door for her. What a gentleman!”

“I do not look like Wooly Willy,” he says, perhaps a trifle defiantly.

“No, no, of course you don’t,” I demur.

But he does.

30 comments:

Sioux Roslawski said...

I so remember Wooly Willy. I had a very old version that gave me hours and hours of entertainment.

The picture you paint with words is so intriguing. Could you post a picture of Willie's hairline? Inquiring minds want to see it...

Macy said...

Reading this I was thinking of Mr Potato Head - you know the pots where you could grow chives out of a tub and it looked like the pot had hair??

Would his hair grow faster if he watered it d'ye think??

SparkleFarkle said...

This past Christmas, "Santa" brought a sort of Wooly Willy and two of his wives to come live with us! On Christmas morning, Puppet and I found a couple of THESE with our names on them under the tree! Also, beneath O Tannebaum, THIS GUY was waiting for my husband! Christmas breakfast never tasted so good!

(If you're interested, I'm pretty sure these wonderfuls were "made" by the "elves" at Borders Bookstore.)

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Or a chia pet. Wasn't there one of a head that grew green hair? I loved Willie as a kid.
My husband has nothing but disdain for men who have hair but shave it off. His follically challenged head leaves him no choice. Oh, for the gift of a widow's peak.

Belle said...

My son-in-law shaved his head for cancer donations 8 years ago and loved it. He has shaved it ever since. He could have a head full of curly brown hair if he wanted to. But he looks good bald.

Simply Suthern said...

I need a Wooley Willie Starter kit.

David L Macaulay said...

Oh - that's funny. I had completely forgotten about Wooly Willy until I saw this. Evidence there were some really crap games back in the day.

George said...

I wish it was as easy as Woolly Willy. One day, in a future that will come all too soon, I will be almost fully follically challenged. I don't think that I will ever shave my head though.

powdergirl said...

I prefer bald men(I have hair phobia's go figure), but hey, my second favorite is a buzz cut. maybe he could just keep it to a 1/2 inch? Win win!

I had a fiance once who would get right pissed if I opened the door before he could get there. I got used to that, so then when I had to release him back into the wild I'd find myself sitting in a passenger seat waiting for someone to open my door! And someone always came through. So eventually, I entirely lost the ability to use an interior door lever. I had to enter a "program" to relearn it. But I did so reluctantly, you know, its not like I CAN'T open my own door, but if I'm not driving, why should I HAVE to?

a Broad said...

Start telling him how many men weep when they see that healthy thick crop he is growing up there ... younger men than Willie .. old guys too ... they all want more hair. Or just hair.

jabblog said...

The less you have on your head, the more you have on your chest. Willie should be thankful for his potentially full head of hair ;-)

Bossy Betty said...

As long as he doesn't end up looking like the Operation guy.

Eva Gallant said...

Poor Willie; must you make fun of him?

Symdaddy said...

Poor Man!

I'm sure he doesn't deserve to have fun made of him!

My hair (what's left) is approx. 8mm in length. When it gets I take on a distinct Crusty the Clown look with sticky-outy tufts over my ear 'oles.

When I receive a slap on the back of my head from my 'good lady', I know it's time for a haircut

Madame DeFarge said...

As long as he's only growing it out of his head, you don't have to worry. It's when its the ears and nose you have to be careful.

Jhon Baker said...

I am also against "Big Hair" - I use to cut my own hair and that of a few of my friends as well - tried to do my sons but he prefers the girls do it. So as to not be a part of the problem - I never charged, just got out the clippers and felt my friends heads for awhile.

Casey Freeland said...

That poor, poor man. First his name is Willie, and then with the hair. You need to give him a big, condescending hug.

Cheers,

Casey

KleinsteMotte said...

I agree with Casey. His sense of self needs hugs.

IndigoWrath said...

If it's growing from scratch, is it all the same length? Does he look like the play-doh barber shop? Of course, his hair's not green, nor does it smell of almonds. Or does it?

HermanTurnip said...

I'm surprised that there was no mention of Chia Pets, high top fades or Sea Monkeys (long, disturbing story, that). And with the mention of Wooly Willy a sudden wave of childhood nostalgia has swept over me. The only cure: throw in my DVD copy of Real Genius and zone out for 90 minutes...

injaynesworld said...

I totally remember Wooly Willy. Oh, dear... It's gotten that bad, has it.

Argent said...

Far funnier than anything I can think of to say about it.

Maundering mutterer said...

'Big hair' I loved that bit...

Gaston Studio said...

LOL... I wonder, does Willy read your blog?

darsden said...

Too Funny, make sure that widow peak don't poke you in the eye... ;-)

Polly Scott said...

I LOVE it! My husband is bald which is the lesser of two evils because before he went bald, he had TERRIBLE hair. And I mean TERRIBLE . . . his mom would put panty hose on his head at night to try and tame it. It was that bad, and also explains his fear of panty hose.

Gary Baker said...

Wait a couple of years for when God's joke #78629B Revision 15a for Men kicks in and has his hair cowering under his shiny pate, then leaping from nose and ears like over-sexed spider plants.

Irisheyes said...

Well once again, I have been deemed an outlaw! My old man refuses to go PAY for a haircut. We have been together for 8 years and besides the fact that I have no formal training in haircutting, this man has ALOT of hair! He insists I cut it every couple months. It comes out a bit different every time. A Crap Shoot.

Pat Tillett said...

Well of course he does!
My wife is cheap, er umh "thrifty" and decided she would cut my hair instead. She does a pretty darn good job at it and now I don't have to listen to her complain about how much money I used to spend on it. Oh yeah, I also don't have to hear about "Marla." She's the cutie who cut my hair for about 10 years...

Susan in the Boonies said...

Obviously hasn't lived in TX. Because let me tell YOU, my friend, they can give you some larnin' on Big Hair. It's not a conspiracy: it's a State of Being. A Lifestyle. Why else do you think The Eyes of Texas Are Upon You, all the live long day??? To see your Big Hair, silly.