I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

George, Your Spiritual Advisor is on Line One

And a quick note, before we start, that my chapbook “I Was Raised to be a Lert” is available. A PayPal link has been set up, or you can e-mail me.

Some of the stories in the book are re-worked posts from this blog, but some are previously unpublished. Makes ya wonder, duddin it?

“Be alert,” my dad always says. “The world needs more lerts.”

That’s what I’m trying to do here: raise lert awareness.

And now, back to our regularly scheduled silliness.



Prior to my current job as Data Base Freak and Office Eye Candy, I was an Executive Assistant, a position I held in various corporations for over 15 years. You shoulda seed me. Why, even now, I type like the wind, have the spelling and grammar of a woman much smarter than I am, and cut a dashing figure in the lunchroom.

And don’t forget the modesty. I’m crazy with the modesty.

As an Exec Admin I was acutely aware of the stress that goes into being the Vice President of Stuff. The people I supported were busy, expected to work 70 or more hours a week, and relied on me to keep their best interests in mind.

A job two or three back, I had an athletic boss with a bad hip, a man who needed to move about in order to stay flexible, a fabulous man we’ll call George.

When I first started working for him, George was required to be in two, back-to-back all-day meetings. Two days of serious nodding, of producing PowerPoint slides of sales figures punctuated with amusing anecdotes. Two days of being “engaged”.

Limited breaks, working lunch.

Yuck.

At 10:00 on the first day, and for the first time ever, I took a liberty.

I knocked briskly on the door of the conference room, walking in. A dozen suits turned to look at me as I strode into the room and handed George a note.

“Please see me immediately in the hall.”

George stood and nodded to those at the table as he left the room: “Gentlemen.”

When we got into the hall he looked at me expectantly.

“I thought you could stand to stretch a bit,” I said.

George stared at me and then smiled. Big. “Pearl, why you little…” he threatened.

“Why I oughta…” I countered.

Over the course of the afternoon and the next day, I popped in a couple more times:

“George, I will need to reschedule your elbow-bleaching appointment so as to fit in a visit with your aroma therapist. Please advise.”

“George, your office chair is on fire. Permission to put it out?”

And every time, George would stand, nod to those at the conference table, and say “Gentlemen”.

Then he would leave, walking the halls for 5, 10 minutes, working out the kinks in his knees and hips.

Good ol’ George.

Why I oughta…

45 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

That is awesome.

Sarah said...

Pearl, you're the epitome of efficiency and empathy.

Pearl said...

OT, he had it comin'. :-)

Pearl said...

Sarah, I do what I can. Plus he was smart as a whip. I like that in a boss.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

You have always been JUST that fabulous, Pearl. We love you!! :)

Pearl said...

Sarah/Moxie, I would so slip you a note. :-)

Sausage Fingers said...

That's worth of a pay raise, hope you got one.
Cheers, Sausage

Golden To Silver Val said...

I've done things similar to this for my boss before when I knew he needed to be rescued...even if it was for no more than 5 or 10 minutes. Although I've never used your unique variety of reasons for the interruption. LOL. I know if I ever did he would probably burst out laughing in front of everyone! Pearl, you are a REAL gem!

mapstew said...

What a Darling you are Pearl! :¬)

xxx

Gary Baker said...

Some years ago I was Chief Exec of a fairly well known (in the UK anyway) company - my 'executive assistant' came into our monthly board meeting, pulled up a chair, opened her plastic tub and started eating the contents. Responding to my raised eyebrow she explained, "You said I should bring sandwiches in at one o'clock." That was the first, and last, time I've witnessed eleven simultaneous face-palms.

Joanie said...

You are an amazing, wise woman.

Pearl said...

Sausage Fingers, actually he brought me up quite a bit, pay-wise!

Val, he was a very clever man, now residing in TN, I believe. Unique and charasmatic. Supported his female equivalent 10 years later -- but that's another story. :-)

map, thank you. All I've ever wanted is to be missed when I'm gone. :-)

Gary, you absolutely must -- if you haven't already -- write about that. That's one of the most jaw-dropping work-related things I've ever heard. Which reminds me: I once had a boss whose admin called in, said she had been ATTACKED BY A BEAR whilst camping and would not be in to work for several months. Everyone, of course, was astonished and horrified. Would you believe he ran into her at the Mall of America, I believe it was, a couple weeks into her recovery? No bear attack! Honestly, who makes up a bear attack as the reason they can't come to work?!

Pearl said...

Aww! Thank you, Joanie!

Joanie said...

I'm going to order your book when I get my support check around the 15th. I'm on vacation this week and I'm this close (imagine my index finger and thumb just about touching) to being flat broke! (the downside of being a server and taking vacation... no daily income)

imtsmom said...

Pearl, You amuse me every day! You're more of a hoot to me than a lert. Hope that's ok.

Pearl said...

T's Mom, just as long as I'm in there somewhere. :-)

Lazarus said...

I love that you describe your current position as partially being "Office Eye Candy!" I think your meeting extraction skills are resume-worthy, although you'll probably never need another resume since Eye Candy is usually the last position eliminated in any company. Do you have any sisters who we can hire on the East Coast?!

Symdaddy said...

I would have sacked you!

Once I'm sitting down, getting up is too much hard work!!!

Pearl said...

Lazarus, actually, my sister is a complete knock-out. No kidding.

Symdaddy, not every thing works for every one. :-)

Leenie said...

People like you are priceless to their boss.
My dear hubby was assigned one air-head student after another to "help out in the office." As soon as the semester was over they'd go, and a new one would replace them. He finally worked up the the corner office and got a "real" assistant. She was a master at her job and a wonderful woman. If bigamy was allowed I would have considered her as the second wife.

You rock, Pearl.

Belle said...

That was a great thing for you to do for your boss. Quite ballsy also!

lisleman said...

I haven't been on here since you announced the book. Congrats. I look around to see if you gave more info such as number of pages.

I learned during my career that a great exec assistant can make all the difference for someone running a company. Many of them do get rewarded but many don't which I blame on the bosses that are jerks.

Gigi said...

@GaryBaker - What is this woman's name?! Because I'm convinced she now works in our office!!!

mrwriteon said...

You just put into one enchanting blog exactly why I love you.

Eva Gallant said...

How resourceful of you! He must have loved you! You are great!

becca said...

very cool

Jhon Baker said...

I am so going to hire you as my assistant when you move to Chicago -
Also, your book - it's great. I loved reading it. Totally worth the price of admission.

Ponita in Real Life said...

You're a good egg, Pearl!

Happy Frog and I said...

I cannot express how much I loved this post and also Gary Baker's astonishing comment. I haven't laughed that much in ages, brilliant!

Roses said...

Fantastic story. Good woman you. I think the notes are great too. It's good to work with people who have a sense of humour, who like to play.

You totally rock woman.

Jocelyn said...

I know you're supposed to come across as all awesome and stuff in this post, but who I really like is George.

haphazardlife said...

Above and beyond the call of duty. Of course, there are bosses for whom you'll do those things. My boss for instance.

- Jazz

Flea said...

Good ol' Pearl. :) I love reading all the follow up questions today, too.

Tammy said...

Very clever all the way around! Great post.

The Retired One said...

I bet he hated to see you leave, Pearl! I did things like that for a former CEO of our hospital and we have both left and gone on in life...but we remain friends to this day. Now he tells me that he wish I never left and how valuable I was...I told him he should have told me more back THEN. He agreed. haaa

vanilla said...

You could by my Exec Admin. You are a Pearl, so to speak. (If I still had a job, that is.)

Vintage Christine said...

How funny! I, too, was an Exec. Admin. Asst. for many, many years and I was so good at making my boss look good. BTW, I posted about my dad today and HIS name is George. Love the "lert" thing--sorta like A Round Tuit that we all need to get.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

I just fell a little more in love with you today.

Tempo said...

Geez, but I need an assistant just like you! ..but then I guess I have to get an office and a 'proper' job..Sigh!

River said...

Thanks for reminding me to get up and walk around. I got so many things done, I almost forgot to come back here.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

That's two fabulous stories today, yours and Gary Baker's. Almost enough to make me miss the world of work. Wait, not really.

Kipp said...

Can you transfer those notes to email? If you would send me one every other Thursday at 1:00...
"Gentlemen excuse me, I have an urgent email that needs immediate attention." :)

Facing50Blog.com said...

My Dad always said that to me too! 'The world need more Lerts' I just love your blog...found you via 'best posts of the week'. Anyone who can make me smile when it's cold outside, my head aches and I can't understand how to transfer itunes to my new mobile (oI'm a victim of old age!) is my new heroine. I am of course your latest follower and would be delighted to welcome you at my humble (and not as funny as yours) blog. Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
Carol from www.facing50withhumour.blogspot.com
-the blog that gives you laughter lines (and rubbish tag lines)

sage said...

What a wonderful story! I had to go back and read both parts. You never know when a fireman is stalking you, but good thing in this incident.

sage said...

My Adm Assistant often does similar things to get me out of meetings that are going too long (or people taking up too much time). Sounds as if you're doing a great job. I hope your boss is better than me, for Adm Assistant (formerly secretary) Day, I once got her the most beautiful orchid in the florist--"I'll take that one," I said--and two weeks later when I asked if the rest of the blooms were ever going to open, I learned it was silk (but it looked a lot better than the real ones)