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Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Care for Another Mousie Drumstick? or There’s No Accounting for Taste

Taking advantage of some I’m-running-out-of-money-and-need-to-get-back-to-work program or another, Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) has enrolled in school.

“What does this mean, though?” I ask her. “Does this mean I’ll no longer find your fuzzy butt soaking up any available pool of sun on the floor?”

Liza Bean, her back leg stretched out before her, thoughtfully pulls at one of her hind claws with her teeth. “I’m thure,” she says, her mouth full, “that I don’t know what you’re inthinuating.”

“I’m insinuating that you can barely be counted on to cover your own, shall we say, leavings, let alone get up and go to school every day.”

Liza Bean’s eyes widen – and then narrow – in shock. She lowers her leg delicately. “Such talk,” she scolds.

“OK, well, I’m sorry,” I say. She is right – when did I become so thoughtless? “So what did you sign up for? What’s the plan?”

Liza Bean yawns. “Accounting.”

I stare at her.

She yawns again, the hint of a smile playing across her tiny, adorably black lips. She regards me, deigns to elaborate. “You know. Accounting: you have two mice and I have one mice and how many of the legs will we be forced to eat once the good stuff is gone to ensure we’ve both had enough for dinner?”

Now it is my turn to squint. “That sounds nauseating.”

She closes her eyes and smiles. “Yes.”

“You’re playing with me, aren’t you?”

Eyes still closed, smile still on her lips: “Yes.”

“Are you going to tell me what classes you’re taking?”

Eyes still closed, smile disappears: “No.”

Moments later, there is the sound of light snoring. Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) is no longer taking questions.

Dang cat.

37 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

I love your cat stories.

Pearl said...

They are a rich field from which to mine...

jo.irish.rose said...

my dog stories are a plenty, if you ever run out, let me know, i will send you my weiner ones. take care of liza, she is precious! don't let her push you around though. lol

Barbara Blundell said...

Perhaps Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys )has enrolled for Creative Writing believing that revenge is sweet.

Simply Suthern said...

Do they get finicial assistance for going to school? I have been wanting mine to go to back and learn to do something, ANYTHING but just lay around and beg for food.

I'd be worried if she signs up for, As she says it, Chemithry.

savannah said...

again, SHE who really runs your household has re-enforced my rationale for not sharing the plantation with any c-a-t-s evah! by the by, i tend to agree with barbara about the CW class, sugar! xoxoxxo

Leenie said...

There were several cats in my biology class when I went to college. They looked at me through slanted half-open eyes and smiled with dark lips. I was worried about their effect on the grade curve until I learned they were on the cheer squad.

Bossy Betty said...

My cats are a little jealous of the exciting lives your cats lead.

Writer Lady said...

I'm new to your cat stories. I see I've been missing something.

Jhon Baker said...

mouse gut accounting - I believe there is an office somewhere...

Kal said...

Go through her book bag. All of your answers will be found there.

Pearl said...

jo., I can't help but wonder, if I spent some time with dogs, what their stories would look like!

Barbara, the thought blows my mind. Liza in a creative writing class, huh? Do you realize how many passwords I'll have to change?!

Simply, well, her lisp was due to the having her back claws in her mouth (although Dolly Gee's lisp is full time). And now that I think of it, chemistry. Holy-Moly. I just got goosebumps all over...

Savannah, I know! Just the thought of all the stuff I'll have to hide makes me dizzy!

Leenie, what was very funny!

Bossy, scary part? I suspect that they've been talking to each other recently...

Pearl said...

Writer Lady, they've been fuzzy little thorns in my side for a while now. :-) And welcome!

jhon, so you think there may be actual money in this?!

Kal, a-ha! She is so busted...

Symdaddy said...

I once tried to follow your lead and write about our two cats, Zac and Blossom. Unfortunately I made the mistake of using pen and paper.

I got as far as the title:

Hairball? What Hairball?
(The Story Of Zac And Blossom)

before a writ was served prohibiting disclosures of any kind relating to their private lives.

Apparently they are now in possession of my hand written title page and, as I signed a non-disclosure agreement when they agreed to move in as kittens, they are now suing me for breech of contract.

My dogs still love me though

Douglas said...

I always dropped out of classes where cats might be enrolled. The key word being "might". This explains the lack of sufficient course credits to actually graduate or attain a degree of any kind. Eventually, I just gave up and stayed in my cat-proofed home. It wasn't entirely cat proof. The neighbor's cat would often sneak in while I napped on the couch and knead my belly until I woke up screaming. I had to move to a cat deprived neighborhood.

Lazarus said...

I assume your feline just wants to take inventory of her relatives with this course of study. After all, as an accountant she'd be considered a "Bean counter!"

Sorry, I absolutely cannot resist the obvious puns...even if I have to come up with a tortured explanation to justify them...

Sweet Cheeks said...

So...do you think Liza will join Phi Beta Katta?
;-)

MartyrMom said...

does she get upset when the mice in the fields are reaped??? Maybe she will study ratology

Eva Gallant said...

I loved the "bean counter" comment! Your cat stories are priceless...keep them coming!

Ruthibelle said...

lmao @ phi betta katta...

liza bean bitey sounds like a treat to have around :o)

becca said...

another wonderful story thank you

Pearl said...

Sym, litigious felines are the worst. Luckily most cats can be placated with tuna.

Douglas, now THAT, sir, was a good laugh. :-)

Lazurus. :-). I was raised with such humor and have a big smile on my face right now.

Sweet Cheeks! How the heck are ya?! I desperately want to top that...


Martyr Mom, the kitteh is surprisingly nonchalant re: the suffering of mice, as illustrated by a particularly gruesome offering left on our basement steps a couple weeks ago. :-) But I do hear that ratology pays well.

Eva, it is possible that the Liza Bean stories will be the subject of my next chapbook. :-)

Ruthibelle, she actually is quite the charming cat and potentially the smartest cat I've had the pleasure of knowing.

Pearl said...

becca, look at you, sneaking in here. :-) Sorry I missed you. Thanks -- yes, Liza Bean amuses me no end. :-)

Roses said...

Oh boy, you have your hands full with that Liz Bean.

I hope you check your credit cards before you go to bed and your bank statement every month.

Macy said...

Maybe it's TAX that attracts Liza Bean to the wonderful world of accounting ... you know which is less taxing, sunbathing or a back scratch..??

a Broad said...

I miss my sweet little cat .. but Pup does keep me busy.
He is older now , you know, considering writing a memoir.
My hope is that if I give him all the fresh roast chicken I can , he will look back and only remember good stuff about me .. and not anything about the times we left him with That Woman while we went to Paris without Him.
I think next year, we might have to consider a kitten.

Mynx said...

I think Liza Bean must have a cousin living here.
Cat's are such intimidating creatures.

Happy Frog and I said...

Loved the writing and imagery brimming within this post. I shall be popping over here more often!

The Jules said...

I reckon it'll be egyptology.

She'll get some ideas on how you can imitate their feline worshipping ways.

John McElveen said...

OMG-- How about a BEVERAGE ALERT PLEASE!!! Keyboards are costly! Phunny-Phunny stuff!

And I thought only our Cats talked!!!

LOVED IT!!!!


John

Gigi said...

Liza Bean headed to school? And it may or may not involve accounting? Can you say embezzlement and a frame-up job? That has me very worried for you, Pearl. Very worried.

Golden To Silver Val said...

It has been rumored, from a reliable source, that the Minneapolis Biteys had a cathouse relative that was convicted of embezzling the proceeds from shrimp sales in LA. The funds were diverted into a covert account opened at the National Bank of Kathmandu in the name of Liza Bean. I would be very cautious of having a cat who is knowledgeable in accounting.....if you get my drift. Perhaps a hint from you indicating that you are aware of this past history will unbalance her accounting career. I'm with Gigi....very worried.

Tay Talk said...

Accounting? Going broke for accounting?

I don't get it.

;)

I only say that because I could NEVER do numbers. EVER.

Dolores Doolittle said...

Hi Pearl, just found you and not surprised you have such a Huge following. I'm now another to love your snappy hilarious writings - thank you!

And May 2011 be full of joy & success for you!

Elly Lou said...

I'm pretty sure Mildred has enrolled in little Kitty Capoeira classes. I just hope they don't teach her how to use weapons.

Anonymous said...

Pearl,

I absolutely *love* your blog!! I look forward to each new entry, especially the ones about/written by Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys).

I enjoy your blog with my morning coffee. I know I can count on you for a laugh.

My sister sent me the following link today. It sounds suspiciously like the work of Liza Bean!

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/55e08f57e0/excerpts-from-a-cat-and-dog-s-diary

Thanks for the laughs!

Cindi in Mexico

Angela said...

I love your blog and especially enjoy when you write from the cats' perspectives.

Thanks for the many great laughs!