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Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Why? Why Do You Insist on Freezing?

A reworked re-post, as I finish a three-part mystery. What's it about? I can't tell you. It's a mystery.

The United States, my friends, is currently experiencing one giant storm, one that has produced temperatures forcing Floridians to don socks, a high of five below zero Fahrenheit in Minneapolis, one that threatens to drop another four inches of snow on top of the 17 we got Saturday, one that is working its way eastward where it will no doubt visit frogs and/or boils upon the inhabitants thereof.

Repent!

Yes, sir, winter’s begun in earnest; and you know what that means.

It’s time to laugh and point.

Dear Fellow Bus Rider, why? Why do you persist in your ways?

You! Why do you insist upon wearing pants belted just below your butt cheeks? Why are you wearing an overly large parka, your arms pulled in, the sleeves flapping uselessly in the driving wind? You look miserable, truly miserable. What you’re wearing is the equivalent of wearing nothing at all. True, it lacks the entertainment quality of standing at the bus stop naked; but your enormous jeans and jacket are no match for a winter gale. I can see that you are – what? – 16? 17? Allowances for your stupidity have been made. Still. Wherever you are from, you need to return there, immediately, before they find your silly, frozen body on the sidewalk and we are forced to shovel around you.

But you! Lady on the Bus! Heels? Heels?! You’re old enough to know better.

And before you go imagining an elegant woman, long-legged, fashionable, and from a part of the world that knows not the ways of the winter, let me assure you that Ms. It-Says-“Juicy”-On-The-Seat-Of-My-Pants is from here.

This ain’t her first time around the ice rink.

Part of me – the smug, warm part of me, liberally layered in wool, down, and occasionally, cats – wants the bus to break down, to be told that we need to walk to the next stop and that it’s, oh, a mile away. I, Nanook of the North, will trudge bravely forward, cracking my whip at the sled dogs and shouting encouragement while Ms. Three-Inch Heels totters down the steps of the bus and plants herself face first into a snow bank.

This is where the laughing and pointing part comes in.

It’s Minnesota. Our heating bills are sky-high, the days are something like six hours long, and exposed flesh freezes.

Otherwise, go about your business, fellow commuters. I have no strong feelings about winter.

46 comments:

Nick said...

What's a little frostbite between friends.

bruce said...

it is amazing that i see what some of the kids wear when outside.

one time, in january, when my son was a teen, i came home from work and found him outside in just socks, a tee shirt, pj bottoms, goofing around with his *girl* friend...making a snowman or some such nonsense...

now that he is 24, he is always, as you say *nanook of the north*ed*...and he still complains...

with age comes wisdom...and creaky old bones....

Bruce
bruce johnson jadip
And
evilbruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
and
The guy book
the guy book

who said...

if you can't tell than can you show me?

Pearl said...

Nick, frostbite is all the rage on the bus circuit...

Bruce, I have some memories of weather-related idiocy myself, actually.

Who, can't tell you what? Tomorrow's post? Like I said, it's a mystery! Well, until tomorrow at 9:00 Central, anyway...

Pale Rambler said...

Cold really does bring out the stupid in people. Here in North Carolina, people forget -- or display the fact they never learned -- how to drive. We used to deliberately spin our cars in donuts on frozen roads and lakes in upstate New York, and here they can't drive in a straight line on open road if they have to cross a 3-square-inch patch of ice. Absolutely pathetic.

Pale Rambler

Pearl said...

Pale Rambler, amazing, isn't it? We're such a silly people...

a Broad said...

Yeah, but you have those cool tunnels / walkways from one building to the other. Very 'Blade Runner' ..

hugs and kisses from BA ( 80ºF)

Simply Suthern said...

Yesterday I flew from Phoenix(80"s) to home(Carolina(29)). It was a pretty rude homecoming. Yea Yea I know thats nothing to you guys but for us well, we are woosies.

Eva Gallant said...

I keep holding my breath. No snow, not even any really cold weather yet here in southern Maine. I know it's coming though.

Pearl said...

a Broad, it's true! At this time of year, the skyways are all that stand between us and insanity.

Simply, I have a friend that moved to Florida (from MN) last year, and he can no longer handle anything below 50 degrees...

Eva, isn't that kinda weird? No worries, though! From what I hear, the cold is moving easterly at a nice clip...

Kay Dennison said...

I used to have a neighbor from Bemidji, MN (sp.?) and he used to wear cutoffs and sneakers with no socks in winter. He laughed when I told him he was nuts. Weird.

Oilfield Trash said...

Preach on.

Camille said...

Mornin'Pearl. Sitting here in central NH and feeling kind of guilty as I look out across my GREEN lawn. Kind of stoopid actually, Christmas decorations galore and it looks like March out there. Except it's cold enough to freeze the you.know.whats.off.of - well, you know. Speaking of which, have you been to Eva's blog lately? There are photos of nearly nekid people running around for charity purposes in speedos...fabulous!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Just the other day I remarked to a friend how in this weather when I was in college I'd go bar hopping in a miniskirt and flats--no tights--bare legged. Oy.

Pearl said...

Kay, in Bemidji? I believe they have a giant statue of Paul Bunyan up there...

O.T., you know it. :-)

Camille, your cruelty knows no bounds. GREEN? I have a shirt that color. I miss "outdoor" green... Heading over to Eva's. Nekkid people in the winter are good fun.

Pearl said...

Green Girl, I hear ya! I got hypothermic standing outside of First Ave. waiting for Jane's Addiction! And who does my boyfriend give his coat to? The woman standing next to me!! RrrrrR.

Jinksy said...

We're into the icy realms here too...Brrr! Have fun pointing fingers... LOL.

Leenie said...

Your description of the kid in the parka in the blizzard is frozen in my mind! Sorry you'll have to shovel around him. So much more effort. Just hope he doesn't drop in an alley.

I dunno what happened, but that monster storm missed us. Looks like the clipper slid a little to the right this time. We'd be glad to share and take a load of MN and WI. And, btw spike heels are not too practical in deep snow, but they do work well to provide traction on ice--sorta like crampons--(not tampons---crampons. Google it you sutherns).

Cheeseboy said...

It's unseasonably warm here in Utah. Like 60 degrees. So that means all the teenagers are wearing huge coats. They don't break out the sweatshirts until it hits the 40's.

Linda Myers said...

Maybe it's crazy, but I love cold and weather. Unfortunately, all we got in the Pacific Northwest last weekend was record-breaking rain.

We leave on Friday for southeastern Idaho and I'm hoping for lots of snow once we get there, but nothing on the roads beforehand. I'm one of those sliders on a small patch of ice.

Roses said...

I'm shivering just thinking of it. It was 1'C and a woman comes into my reception in flip flops. I kid you not.

Willoughby said...

If I am going somewhere, I will usually dress appropriately for the weather (coat, boot, etc.). However, when I head out to warm up my truck in the morning, I am quite often in shorts, a hoodie and snow boots. Do my neighbors point and laugh? I think not, because most of them are similarly attired. I'm not a bathrobe kind of gal, but I've seen many a neighbor wearing a robe and boots to start the car or fetch the paper. I think, perhaps, we've become immune to the cold in small doses. Either that or years of exposure to sub-zero temperatures have made us complete idiots.

Willoughby said...

Oops! That should say *boots*, plural. I do prefer to have one boot on each foot.

Susan in the Boonies said...

I can explain to you this mystery. My husband learned the secret of life many years ago, from a wizened little old man whom he met in Mississippi. The old gentleman was hunched over his guitar, wailin' on the strings, and belting out the blues. When asked why he played the blues, he replied, "Because people is no dang good." There is a corollary proverb that goes alongside this, the secret of life, and it goes as follows: "People is not very bright."

Hope this helps.

Pale Rambler said...

We had a housemate in college in Plattsburgh NY who was quite the, well, for lack of better terminology, he was a real douche. He came in one day when it was 10 degrees and asked if he could fill his wiper reservoir with water. We hated him almost enough to string him along for a few minutes but not enough to let him go through with it. We would have ended up having to shuttle his dumb douche ass around afterward, so it wasn't worth it. Besides, sometimes you get a good feeling about yourself when you save a brainless animal from destroying itself with its own stupidity.

Jhon Baker said...

nothing like being fashionable and dead, eh?

Sweet Cheeks said...

Sorry about your snow woes, Pearly Girl. Here in my corner of Idaho we're getting the snow...and right afterwards it rains and are left with not much more than a muddy mess.

Over the weekend I had a chance to chat with my brother that lives in Randolph, NY. He told me the last big storm they got brought in 59 inches of snow. Boy, I sure don't miss that part of living in New York!

Drink lots of Hot Cocoa~with marshmallows!
=]

Andrew Green said...

I really ought to buy a coat....
Thanks for reminding me!

Granny Annie said...

Thank you for visiting my blog and commenting about my granddaughter Hope. Her mother is my daughter and I used to tell mu daughter that she looked like my favorite doll, Pityful Pearl, when she was born. Ever heard of that doll? I look forward to getting acquainted with your blog.

Kevin Musgrove said...

We've been marvelling at the weather over there. "Snowing in Minneapolis" even made it to the BBC news. Mind you, it was a slow news night: "Retired politician can't dance" was second lead story.

Karen said...

I live in the Pacific North West and got rained on with great enthusiam all weekend, then intermittently all day today...that means it started to rain everytime I went outside to do something. We got snowed on a number of weeks ago, and the entire county I live in went into EPIC MESS. It was mere days before Thanksgiving, and they had to call in Electric Co. people from out of state to get power back on before the big holiday, along with cops from all neighboring counties, since half the dimwits on the road hadn't listened to the weather report and went out with 1/8 of a tank of gas, THEN RAN OUT. I think the cops spent a lot of time shuttling people home.

mrwriteon said...

I want a photo of the high-heels bus babe. I think your description made me kind of aroused.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Too bad that no one will see you pointing, or know wich of your fingers with which you are pointing, with those big warm mittens on your hands.

WrathofDawn said...

Gosh. This sounds like home to me. We're having milder than normal weather here, but don't worry. Our time's coming.

You wanna hear crazy? I'm schlepping along in my mukluk-like practical boots and along comes a high heel babe who I know. She tries to compliment my choice of emminently practical footwear, but I know she's thinkin', "Ugggleeee!"

THEN she tells me that she has an infection in a toe that her doctor has warned her will not clear up if she doesn't stop wearing the 3" spike heels with roach-killer toes that she's so fond of and, in fact, will probably cost her the toe. And then she reveals her full genius...

"I 'd rather lose a toe than give up my high heels."

This, people? This is what's poisoning the gene pool.

WrathofDawn said...

Forgot to mention... the above happened during a heavy snowstorm. Spike heels in a snow storm.

GENE-YUS!

TALON said...

At least that's one way to get through the cold weather - definitely takes the mind off the cold and snow. I often wonder if these people own mirrors...and then I figure they do, but they are magic mirrors which tell them they look fabulous no matter what disaster they are presenting.

Anonymous said...

I miss living in Minnesota. Sometimes. But not today.

Sausage Fingers said...

Socks??? oh yes the fluffy things English tourists wear with sandals...

Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

Boy, was I late commenting on this one!

Everyone knows that Pearl never reads that tail-end comments.

And I thought of something really witty ... nay, belly-busting-uncontrollable-farty-funny ... to say too.

But the shock of finding all those comments ahead of me made me forget what it was!

Damn!

{the Daddy goes back to bed with his socks on and brandy in hand}

Pearl said...

Ah, Sym, but I do read them! I read all of them! I just don't always respond, which is, as the kids say, "My bad".

I do hope everyone forgives me for that, btw. Between full-time work, house work, writing, yoga, and my part-time position as trepanner to the stars, I am sometimes forced to just keep moving. But I read them all, love them all, and hit as many blogs as possible. :-)

a Broad said...

Personally, if I ever leave Buenos Aires, I am going back to the NorthEast US or something similar ( Paris? London?) and will at least have my seasons back in the correct order of things.
Do you realize how difficult it is to have Christmas spirit when it is Summer and 85 degrees out ? sheesh !

hot girl said...

nice post.

Symdaddy said...

I am soooooooooooooo impressed!

All bow to her-greatness!

Jolly good read by the way, what!

LongHaulBrit said...

MN received all the snow because here in Canada I've finished with it! I was fortunate to receive a good discount at the air exchange for a pre-loved Alberta Clipper and pointed it in your general direction - either that or MN is experiencing a pocket of heavy gravity!
If the latter is true then you can expect a good laugh as low-rider pants become puddled around the ankles of the wearer!
The heel wearer is very sensible in my view, in the event of a sudden drop of several thousands tons of snow, she will at least be able to claw her way to the top utilizing the aforementioned heels as ice axes!

Have a super Christmas - spare a thought for us truckers who will be trucking on the day (probably in the snow!)

Pale Rambler said...

And just minutes ago, our school system's automated system called to tell us school will be delayed two hours tomorrow due to a possible snow storm that might start before dawn. That's what happens when all the townships in your rural North Carolina county all share the same snowplow.