I have several events/gatherings to attend in the next few days, and before I settle into serious party mode, I need to set some things straight. I can trust you guys with this information, right? Who's reading on Christmas, anyway?
Number One, should anything, shall we say, untoward happen to me between now and the New Year, the first thing you're going to want to do is notify Pat O. The spotlight that throws a large Happy Face into the sky is up in the attic. Turn it on and leave it on. When she sees the sign, she’ll know I am dead and that it’s time to dispose of the contents of Drawers 1, 2, 5, and 6 of my bedroom dresser. Pat: the brown stuff is a decoy, the jewelry is real, and the pills are either to help you sleep or for anxiety. See if you can figure out which is which. Ha ha. Also, remember what we talked about regarding the love letters? Do it.
Additionally, if it seems something dreadful did happen, the list of likely suspects is in my underwear drawer, right under the bail money but not as deep as the limericks. Before you let the accusations fly, however, please cross-check it against the list of those owing me money and try to get the money first.
To all the men I’ve loved, lost, sold, tortured, and misplaced, one of you was my True Love. Guess which one. Ha ha. Just kidding. You know it was you all along, baby!
To my son, a boy what never reads his mother's blog, the insurance money is yours. Remember what I said about spending it on hookers and blow and how you should not? That's right -- Mommy will be haunting your car, specifically, and bathrooms, in general,until you do right. Don't make me hang out in bathrooms.
If my cell phone "pings" hit anywhere in South Dakota and I have not posted in 24 hours, contact Officer Dreumont, just outside of Sturgis. Tell him “Pearl says what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and he’ll know what you’re talking about.
Also, should the police inquire, the stats on my driver’s license are 100% accurate, right down to being 5’8” and 130 pounds. There may have been some shrinkage throughout the years. And some swelling.
Well. I think that’s everything, don’t you?
Merry Christmas, everyone!
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