I've contributed to perhaps the best humor compilation I've ever read. Available now on Amazon!

My second chapbook, "The Second Book of Pearl: The Cats" is now available as either a paper chapbook or as a downloadable item. See below for the Pay Pal link or click on its cover just to the right of the newest blog post to download to your Kindle, iPad, or Nook. Just $3.99 for inspired tales of gin, gambling addiction and inter-feline betrayal.

My first chapbook, I Was Raised to be A Lert is in its third printing and is available both via the PayPal link below and on smashwords! Order one? Download one? It's all for you, baby!

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Wherein I Make Like a Boy Scout and Get All Prepared and Stuff

I have several events/gatherings to attend in the next few days, and before I settle into serious party mode, I need to set some things straight. I can trust you guys with this information, right? Who's reading on Christmas, anyway?

Ahem.


Number One, should anything, shall we say, untoward happen to me between now and the New Year, the first thing you're going to want to do is notify Pat O. The spotlight that throws a large Happy Face into the sky is up in the attic. Turn it on and leave it on. When she sees the sign, she’ll know I am dead and that it’s time to dispose of the contents of Drawers 1, 2, 5, and 6 of my bedroom dresser. Pat: the brown stuff is a decoy, the jewelry is real, and the pills are either to help you sleep or for anxiety. See if you can figure out which is which. Ha ha. Also, remember what we talked about regarding the love letters? Do it.

Additionally, if it seems something dreadful did happen, the list of likely suspects is in my underwear drawer, right under the bail money but not as deep as the limericks. Before you let the accusations fly, however, please cross-check it against the list of those owing me money and try to get the money first.

To all the men I’ve loved, lost, sold, tortured, and misplaced, one of you was my True Love. Guess which one. Ha ha. Just kidding. You know it was you all along, baby!

To my son, a boy what never reads his mother's blog, the insurance money is yours. Remember what I said about spending it on hookers and blow and how you should not? That's right -- Mommy will be haunting your car, specifically, and bathrooms, in general,until you do right. Don't make me hang out in bathrooms.

If my cell phone "pings" hit anywhere in South Dakota and I have not posted in 24 hours, contact Officer Dreumont, just outside of Sturgis. Tell him “Pearl says what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” and he’ll know what you’re talking about.

Also, should the police inquire, the stats on my driver’s license are 100% accurate, right down to being 5’8” and 130 pounds. There may have been some shrinkage throughout the years. And some swelling.

Well. I think that’s everything, don’t you?

Merry Christmas, everyone!

27 comments:

Karen said...

Have a good time, and do your best to avoid ND, as no one wants to mess your pervert cop buddy. Thanks for the info on where your bail money is...how long will you be gone again?

Tammy said...

Everyone should have a friend who disposes of stuff for you if you don't make it. But hope you do!

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Merry Christmas! And safe travels.

who said...

5'9" (anything just an heir above can be rounded up to the next hole inch, otherwise very few would ever be considered 9")

9" past 5' that is

Boom Boom Larew said...

It's been great knowing you, Pearl... but seriously, can I have your bail money since you won't be needing it anymore? You can never have too much bail money.

Gigi said...

Well now that you've got all that squared away let the parties commence!

Merry Christmas, Pearl.

Irish Gumbo said...

So that's the bail money was...cool. My invisible friend Terry (remember? the one that lives in my eyebrows?) will be so happy. He's still upset you stiffed him that one time at the dog track.

Merry Christmas, Pearl :)

Douglas said...

Merry Christmas, Pearly-Q! Your blog is the gift that keeps giving all year long. I am sending you a mental gift. See...

Dilbert

Oilfield Trash said...

Merry Christmas.

Simply Suthern said...

Sounds like these are gonna be a heckuva run of Parties. Careful of them Snowdrifts.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You silly, silly lady. I think you covered everything. Enjoy, but do return within 24 hours. xo

Leenie said...

Pearl, We have glorious sunshine here! The snow makes it twice as bright. I'm overnighting it to you, wherever you are. Hope it arrives intact. Yes, Sturgis. Better now than the first weeks of August!

WrathofDawn said...

Merry Christmas, Pearl! Have fun at all your parties! But you MUST come back safely. Our sanity depends on it...

Eva Gallant said...

I know you are making this all up; you have no parties to go to, and you will be hiding in your closet. It's okay.

gayle said...

Hope you are ok :))) and had a wonderful time!!

Bossy Betty said...

That should cover it!! Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Lazarus said...

Pearl, if you go missing:
1. How long do you think before you'll be on Forensic Files? We want to set our DVRs;
2. Did you leave any blog posts for future publication? We're not ready to let go of you yet (we were thinking you'd stop blogging to pursue your book writing career before you'd disappear); and
3. Can The LG Report have your followers? We promise to speak well of you periodically and would be happy to talk to Nancy Grace on your behalf. Nah, forget all of that, have a great 2011 and keep on keepin' on!

Carrie Lynne said...

Merry,Merry Christmas Pearl

The Empress said...

Congratulations on your book!

I don't remember who spilled the good news, but congratulations!

I'm so excited for you, and I can't wait to read it.

Merry Christmas!

Roses said...

Happy Boxing Day!

Sorry, didn't make it yesterday.

Hope you're having a great festive time. Don't worry, I'll make sure your Boy stays on the straight and narrow. I wouldn't want you to have to haunt men's toilets, they're just too disgusting for words. Ugh.

a Broad said...

Ahhh good, glad that is settled.
Especially about the Baby Boy ... those are the ones that are hardest to tend to from Beyond.. so last instructions are so important.
"Don't make me hang out in bathrooms" will ring in my head for months .. that is perfect. Just P e r f e c t !

Irisheyes said...

Pearl, I am deeply touched that you have stashed away bail money. I can only assume it is meant for me, but if it is not, just let me think it is. That really warms my heart.

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Pearl, you do know I've been counting on you for both bail money AND limericks for the past 11 years?

Merry Christmas hon!
Sarah

Jhon Baker said...

I like how many drawers need to be done away with. This is a clue to your seedy under life.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Friends have told us that the first order of business should anything untoward happen to them, is to get rid of the porn. I don't see that on your list-do you have any of that to worry about? Ya don't want the boy to see that.

Pat Tillett said...

Too darn funny!
I think I've forgotten just where I hid everything....

Vendela said...

How can you have a son? You look all of fifteen in your photos.