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Thursday, December 16, 2010

Welcome to the Conference Call

Thanks for dialing in, everyone. We’ve a very busy schedule today, so let’s get to it, shall we?

First of all, I want to thank you for dialing in. Our studies have shown that dialing in is the first step in any telephone conversation and absolutely essential to the successful start of any conference call, so right from the beginning, we are pleased with this early victory. Let’s pause for a moment here and give ourselves a round of applause.

As you all know, it is at this time of year that we turn our attention to our Q3 sales goals. While many of you have done well for yourselves, one person stands above the fray. Everyone, a round of applause for Marilyn! Marilyn has reached 150% of her yearly sales goal with three months remaining, a fact that leaves us wondering if she’s truly that great of a salesman or if she seriously sandbagged on her goal to begin with. Ha ha! Just kidding, Mary Lynn.

You know, Mary Lynn didn’t get to where she got today without forming partnerships, so let’s talk about that.

Partnerships: between us and them, between you and me, between that guy in the skyway with the slide whistle and the people who continue to encourage him with their spare change. We’re partnering, we’re solutioning, we’re wreaking havoc with the English language and we are just so excited about it. Words like “spearhead”, “integral”, and “benchmark” will be used liberally in our partnerships. References to “full plates” and what we can "bring to the table" will be made. We are energized, we are aligned, we are in full command of our corporate-based thought templates.

Let the verbing begin!

Last on the agenda, I want to express my awe and incredulity regarding the amount of work that our working-from-home employees are getting done. I, for example, while on this very conference call, have taken a bath, made my bed, walked the dog and had my carpets steamed. My home has never been cleaner. What an age we live in.

And with that, we’ve come to the Q and A portion of the meeting, where I encourage you to speak up. Questions? Answers? Suggestions? Offers of Happy Hour get-togethers? Come now! Surely someone wants to be identified as a potential troublemaker!

No?

I’ll let you get on with your jobs then. Thank you for your continued hard work, your dedication, and your willingness to labor for praise in lieu of real income.

Now let’s get out there and win!

31 comments:

Simply Suthern said...

LOL, Our Conference calls are the same. We have wind noise from driving down the road, Dogs barking, Spouses hollaring, Kids asking questions, TV and radio and the most entertaining is the snoring. We try not to imagine what they are wearing or doing during all this.

Next meeting needs to be training on putting the phone on mute.

Sioux Roslawski said...

Your sarcastic sense of humor---say hi to mine. This was a marvelous post. I just added myself as a follower. Well done.

Pearl said...

Simply, don't know if I'm relieved or annoyed that it goes on around the country. People are people, I guess; and I'm not sure "working from home" is for everyone!

Pearl said...

Sioux, thank you! I am sorry to say that there are conference calls where this kind of thing is not only what I'm imagining but also what I suspect I truly hear...

Camille said...

I have excessively pushed back cuticles (and the hangnails to prove it)due to the plethora of year-end meetings and dastardly conference calls. I haven't tried snoring yet. And if anyone tells me one more time to get out there and win.win.win. - why I'm gonna....

Elizabeth said...

We are in agreeance on the synergism of the proactive nature of being on the same page with.... I forgot what I was talking about.

Douglas said...

Just wait until the video conferencing starts...

The Jules said...

Can I work from home please?

Oilfield Trash said...

I sleep through conference calls. And I still get my yearly bonus.

Big Fat Gini said...

I can't decide if I'm missing out on something by not being among the American worker, or if I'm extremely lucky...

Tay Talk said...

I have NEVER felt so motivated in ALL my life. I'm going to get out there, make some partnership and verbing happen. Let's get'm tiger!

Linda Myers said...

The only thing I'm bringing to the table is my soft boiled eggs and toast.

However, Pearl, you have brought humor to the table of my morning. Thanks.

becca said...

makes me want to run out and get a job

Jhon Baker said...

I remember these conference calls - the memory is still so clear that it may be the reason I don't rejoin the race - I long for a part time job tending to chickens or stoned beavers.

Eva Gallant said...

That was perfect. We had conference calls all the time when I was working....this just brings back memories ! lol

haphazardlife said...

I feel like I'm in a Dilbert comic. Or speaking with one of my particularly jargon prone colleagues.

- Jazz

Sweet Cheeks said...

Pshht...allow me to translate, Pearly.

spearhead = know-it-all buttkisser

integral = middle class workers forced to participate in conference calls

benchmark = master list of employees, arranged in order - biggest buttkissers on top...first to get rid of on the bottom

My work here is done.
=]

Suldog said...

Thank you for clarifying my objectives, Pearl. I shall now go grow my blog.

Leenie said...

At the end of the day Pearl's writing and the comments that follow are...better, better than Dilbert....:oD Round of applause from everyone!!!!

Roses said...

You sure we don't work for the same company?

Kay Dennison said...

I'm glad I'm out of the rat race!!!!

Symdaddy said...

As an “integral” part of your fan base, let me set the “benchmark” by “bringing to the table” “full plates” of praise and “spearheading” a chorus of “verbing” designed to show you our devotion!

Pale Rambler said...

You forgot the dog barking in the background because someone forgot to mute, the on-hold music playing for several minutes because someone forgot they called in from a field office, the assignment of roles (are you the pace setter today, or the decision driver?), and the one member of the sales team who thinks these full-team calls are his/her chance to talk at length in great detail about all of his/her account issues.

Kittie Howard said...

I just love your blog, Pearl! You always hit the nail on the head!

The Retired One said...

Oh, I remember these SO well...and of course the 45 minute beginning when some idiot would join in late and they'd have to paraphrase the whole dang thing so they'd "catch up"...and I always pictured everyone on the other sites sleeping through the whole thing anyway...love the buzzwords...we had them too....networking, team players, great is the enemy of good, quest, etc etc etc. BARF!!

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

As a Supervisor, I refused to allow folks to "work" at home, because their work consisted of those tasks you outlined. As an employee, it's the best way to milk the system.
xoRobyn

injaynesworld said...

I love working from home. The lack of emphasis on personal hygiene is especially appealing. I'm fine with conference calls as long as they're not on Skype. That would be very bad.

Susan in the Boonies said...

In the course of that conference call, Marilyn changed her name to Mary Lynn.

Bonus points for completing a procedure that requires the involvement of the legal system while at the same time conducting a conference call!!!

That Mary Lynn: such a go-getter!!!

Cheeseboy said...

Mary Lynn needs to pull a George on this call and hit the road while she is ahead. (Seinfeld reference)

Ryan said...

haha that was brilliant Pearl and also so factually accurate.

Argent said...

This could have been a tape-recording of one of our calls. The only word I didn't spot in my game of buzzword bingo was 'leveraging'. We're forever leveraging at our place. Now I'm off to solutions some toast.