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Wednesday, December 29, 2010

This is Probably How Rich People’s Teeth Feel

I spent some time yesterday with a dentist.

Up to their wrists in other people’s mouths, dentists are some of my favorite people to mess with.

“I don’t get to party with dentists as often as I’d like,” I confess to him from the chair. “When you guys get together, do you, like, sit around and watch Little Shop of Horrors? Sing “Be a Dentist” while pretending to be Steve Martin?”

The dentist lets out a whoop. “I love that song!” He sighs reminiscently. “That reminds me,” he says. “It’s my turn to bring the gas next.”

I twist around, crank my head to look up at him, and he grins at me, a charming upside-down smile. “We’re not allowed to talk openly about it, you understand; but you’re messed up right now and would make a pretty lousy witness.”

We’re doing the final stages of a crown. It’s my first foray into dental work beyond having cavities filled, and it’s been quite an experience. It’s a nerve-y thing, the mouth. I have never cared for lidocaine or its brothers, but having involuntarily lifted myself off the chair early in the appointment, I was convinced by the assistant that maybe a shot or two – just to get the party started, ya understand – might not be a bad idea.

He showed me the gold crown, and I admired its intricacies. Hopefully I will never see it this closely again.

“So how many of these have you dropped down a throat?”

“AHHHHHHH!” Both the dentist and the assistant bellowed in unison.

“No, no, no,” said Halina. “Ees like ‘MacBeth’ in theater. We don’t say.”

“No worries,” said the dentist. “I drop it down your throat, we just postpone this appointment for, oh, three days.”

It’s my and the assistant’s turn: AHHHHHHH!

Installation was easy, particularly since I was anesthetized and did none of the work.

And nobody dropped anything down my throat.

And now I have a gold tooth. It’s not noticeable, even if I smile broadly, but I like to think that there’s something about me, now, that would lead the casual observer to think, Hmm. Now there goes a woman with a secret…

And I do have a secret. Because for the first time in months, I’m chewing – tentatively! – using the molars on my left.

I’m tellin’ ya, man. This is how the other half live.

49 comments:

Argent said...

Why do dentists always seem so sad?
Because they're always looking down in the mouth!

What time does the cinese dentist open?
Tooth hurt-ee!

Uncalled-for, I know! Glad you're able to chew in fine style again - with a secret.

Sioux Roslawski said...

I got my first crown earlier this year, as well. Dentist appointments...loads of fun. (I too love Little Shop of Horrors. The sh-bop girls that came out at various times and sang...The well-deserved demise of the dentist.)

How great that your dentist has a sense of humor.

Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

Hope it don't fall out Pearl.

I would prefer a trip to the dental hygienist rather than to the dentist any day. She is sooooooooo well endowed in the 'lung' department ... know what I mean? ... that I NEVER hear (or see) the implements she employs in the execution of her duties.

Sometimes she tends to giggle, which makes me question exactly what kind of implement is buzzing ... if anything is actually buzzing. Did I mention she's a BIG lady?

Elly Lou said...

You and Kanye will have to eat some hard pretzels together now!

Simply Suthern said...

Pearl and the Gold Crown. Sounds like a storybook.

I've been crowned twice. Neither one gold. Whatcha gotta do to get a gold one? My insurance balked paying for novacaine never the less precious metals.

It takes a while to get used to chewing on that thing. Enjoy. LOL

Grant said...

Gold tooth = pirate. Awesome. Plus there were drugs involved.

Charlotte Ann said...

You are sooooooooooo lucky. One crown? They did a root canal..right? And if not..you still are not really as informed and initiated as you could be. I could have bought a Porsche (large payments for 30 yrs of course) on the money I've bestowed upon my dentist. Had an implant this year...2500.00 for ONE tooth. Amazingly enough, screwng that metal post into my jaw bone was painless. I didn't wake up one time! Multiple root canals, bridges...implants..and I too have ONE Gold Crown....
Thank the higher power that my house is paid for...so I can use the monthly house payment now for dental work. Enjoy that crown..

SherilinR said...

wow. i'm so jealous of your dental work. being poor sucks. enjoy your fresh tooth & chew some gum for me!

furiousBall said...

I'm heading there soon myself... boy I hope my dentist is kind to my sore teeth and bank account

David L Macaulay said...

you make a trip to the dentist seem like fun (almost) - my dentist always says she likes my English accent and asks me to talk to her... which is kind of hard when your mouth is full of implements.

The Jules said...

A eye patch and some sort of talkig avian and whoosh, you're halfway to being a pirate!

A Beer for the Shower said...

My crown was done, with supervision, by the girl who had never done it before, so there was a lot of "errr"s and "ummm"s and I got poked in the eye with a water pik. Consider yourself lucky.

powdergirl said...

Well, I didn't get any gold, but I got 8 crowns in one sitting last year, about this time. But before THAT joyous little experiment, I had 2 emergency root canals, coupla months apart. One on boxing day morning. Yup, 6 hours in THE CHAIR to try to get one root to stop trying to kill me. It was all quite traumatic as I'm a bit skittish at the best of times.
Glad it went well for you !

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Dentists terrify me and you did nothing there to disuade me of that notion. In fact I'm now even more convinced they're out to kill us all and take over the world. I should probably move now they know I'm onto them. It's not safe. Maybe they put a listening device into your new gold crown? Did you think of that? Or one of those devices the government uses in secret to turn normal people into assassins with one code word!

OMG.

Oilfield Trash said...

Congrats on the successful dental work.

Andrew Green said...

I've spent more time at the dentist than you can probably imagine....
If it weren't so expensive, I'd go even more...assuming he'd give me the laughing gas.

I love that stuff.

Sweet Cheeks said...

Mr. Cheeks has gold molars as well. Ah, to be able to chew again. So lovely.

Also, one of my friends just showed me her 'tooth tattoo' in her crown.

What is this crazy world coming to, Pearly?
=]

Sarah Has Moxie said...

Wait a minute, I had never considered the dropping down the throat experience as an extra bonus for my trips to the dentist. I'm gonna need more gas over here...whee!!!

a Broad said...

LOL, I like your dentist ... a sense of humor in a dentist can be rare.

We heard about a dentist once .. all names changed to protect the lawbreakers.. it seemed he indulged in illegal substances while he worked.
It might have been better if the patient had gotten a snort instead but no, the patient just noticed the ... umm... white stuff around the doctors nose.

I like gas. I am happy with gas. When I get gas, you could say I was cooking with gas .. except my mouth is full of hands and equipment so I can't be as funny as I think I am.

Congratulations on your Golden Toothy Pearl Girl .. you deserve it :D

dbs said...

I have two gold crowns. Double royal I guess. But not quite as inbred.

Cheeseboy said...

I am not an anti-dentite and I would for sure love to hang with you and some drunk dentists sometime.

HumorSmith said...

I saw a gay dentist years ago. I called him the tooth fairy. Oddly, shortly after that he stopped scheduling me for appointments.

Molly Potter said...

My favourite question to ask people like dentists and opticians is:

What's the high point in a *****'s career? Surprisingly they usually have an answer.

Bambam said...

I have a gold crown in the back somewhere too. When I was deciding between porcelain and gold, I asked him what most people get. He said 90% of people go for porcelain because it's the same colour as your other teeth. I then asked him what dentists get. He said 90% of dentists get gold ones... stronger, last longer.

Gold it is!

p.s. I always apologise for my teeth and he says "Don't worry yours are nicer than most".... which could explain the high rate of suicide amongst dentists!!

Tracy said...

Good for you Pearl, in making it through the dentist...UGH! I hate the dentist! and I really should go but the fear keeps me at a standstill...

Dawn said...

ahhhhhh....love the take on your dentist-visit. Way to stay positive:))
At least you're keeping your gold well hidden:))

Jen said...

Sweetie, you're in MN?? Me too! Me too! Oh how I love meeting blogger neighbors :-)

Jen said...

Oh, and have you added your city to Location Central yet? All is MN bloggers are on there!

www.LocationCentral.blogspot.com

haphazardlife said...

Damn, my crown is only ceramic. No fair! Plus my dentist has zero sense of humour. I'm afraid if I make a joke about his job he'll pull several teeth that don't need pulling.

Why the hell does anyone become a dentist anyway?

- Jazz

Lazarus said...

Pearl, this is clearly some type of stealthy retirement savings plan. As the price of gold continues to soar, you'll always have your emergency nest egg at the ready. Now that's smart planning for your later years! Very funny post on a usually painful topic...

HermanTurnip said...

I've had very bad luck with cavities. Having weak enamel I've had to endure more than my fair share of dental work.

And then there's my grandmother. Not a cavity in her ancient maw.

Life tends to throw each of us a curveball. Unfortunately for me I managed to catch it right in the kisser.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

That's something to smile about.
Cheers,
xoRobyn

Flea said...

With the price of gold right now, you'd best not tell anyone about your tooth. :)

Gigi said...

Why do dentists (and their little helpers) INSIST on asking questions while their hands are in your mouth???!!!

And yeah, if I were you, I'd keep the fact that you are carrying gold around on the down low.

Jenn @ Juggling Life said...

I think you and your dentist are made for each other--not too many people can laugh at the dentist's.

I'm with CharlotteAnne--it's hard to laugh too hard at the dentists for periodontists when you spend the price of a Hawaiian getaway there on virtually an annual basis!

Kate Mohler said...

Okay, since you got a molar fixed, here's something from another Mohler: I used to date a dentist, and he said that he would rather have someone not brush their teeth and come in after lunch smelling of fresh garlic and onion than someone come in with stinking rotting teeth. I was like, duh!! I also got to see a young girl come in on an emergency call: she had just been smashed in the mouth with a softball (she was the "catcher"). All of her front teeth had been smashed or yanked out by the roots; it was one of most gruesome sights I've ever seen. *cool though*

Fragrant Liar said...

I have a goldie too, way in the back. Used to be that every time I opened my mouth to yell at the neighbors, I felt self-conscious. Consequently, I I don't have anymore neighbors...

Laoch of Chicago said...

I can't really think of the dentist without thinking of Marathon Man. "Is it safe .." No never!

dogimo said...

RIGHT on. Now everything you eat gets a bit of bling on the way in!

Isn't that so great when you've been chewing with a limp for ages and suddenly you've got both legs under you strong again?

lgsquirrel said...

Say, how much is that gold worth these days? Hmmm.

Roses said...

Your dentist sounds like a good laugh.

My dentist is a dishy South African. Very old-school, but good. He wouldn't get the Little Shop of Horrors reference. More's the pity.

Carrie Lynne said...

You've got BLING! Next thing you will be rapping songs. When I go to the dentist and he says open your mouth, I say give me gas. Next time post a video. You might get more hits on the video than the youtube David goes to the dentist. Congrats on the crown but I am keeping my tiara.

the walking man said...

Now if you're ever broke and need something to pawn...

Kal said...

You are so down to Earth even though you just pimp out your mouth with the gold bling. If you weren't before you are a home girl now.

ladyfi said...

Don't know why, but I associate gold teeth with being a pirate! Me heartie!

WrathofDawn said...

I am now the proud owner of 3 porcelain-veneered gold crowns. Fun times, the tooth crumbling that comes with middle age (in my case).

And just to add insult to injury, there wasn't enough room between the last tooth to get a crown and the one above it to fully veneer the gold with a thick enough layer of porcelain so that chewing wouldn't crack it(I even had to get some of the enamel drilled off the tooth above) so that there is an oval gold spot in the centre of the crown that looks for all the world like a cavity. They ain't no justice in this world, Pearlie-Girl.

Glad your chompin' power is back to 100%!

Jhon Baker said...

I once let a tooth go far too long and when it got infected, man, there wasn't enough pain killers mixed with fine malt liquors in the world to satiate the need. The dentist wanted to wait to pull it until the infection was gone saying that the Novocaine would not work with an infection - I instructed him to pull it any way, a molar. So, to date I've had one filling, a root canal and a tooth pulled without any anesthesia of any kind. I would have loved to see the look on the patients in the waiting room when I hollered!

gayle said...

The older I get the more I have going to the dentist! Glad it all went well!