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Friday, December 31, 2010

That’s It. No Treat for the Kitty.


I’ve been had.

And just as soon as I thaw out, I’ll tell you about it.

But no. No, no, no. The story needs telling now, while it’s fresh – and before Liza Bean tells her own version of the tale…

Thursday started as many non-work days do: with an alarm clock I set, out of perversity, to go off at 7:00. I derive pleasure out of turning an alarm off and going back to sleep. Look at me! I’m getting away with something! Hee! Hee!

Twenty minutes later, however, I awoke to Liza Bean sitting on my chest.

Liza “Bean” Bitey, of the Minneapolis Biteys, is a small-pawed creature, a cat of exquisite taste and refined bearing, an animal on a first-name basis with the police. Symmetrically striped, a skilled mouser and a red-hot violinist/vocalist, Liza Bean Bitey is both the cat you wish you had and the cat you wish would get off your back.

I awoke to find her sitting on my chest.

“What’s up?”

“Oh, nothing,” she says, casually.

“Why are you on my chest?”

“Oh, is this your chest?” She yawns, doesn’t move. “I just happened to look out the window there, out on to the porch? and noticed a number of small dark chocolates…”

I sit up, knocking the cat on to her back. “Dark chocolates?”

“Just so,” she murmurs, picking herself up and repositioning herself next to me. Liza Bean has been reading Wooster and Jeeves lately and little British-isms have been creeping into her speech.

“Well what’re they doing out there?”

“Freezing, I would imagine.”

I stared into the porch. Were those Godiva chocolates? “Maybe I should check on them. You know, just to make sure they’re okay…”

“Excellent idea.”

Dressing quickly, I was half-way to the door out to the three-season porch when I heard Liza Bean pointedly clearing her throat.

I turned around. “What?”

“Perhaps you should put your coat on?”

“Hey, I was born in Minnesota. I don’t need a coat to step on to a porch.”

“True, but what of the neighbors? What have they done to deserve a glimpse of you in – what are those?”

I look down. “Yoga pants.”

There is a quiet, polite cough. “Yoga pants.” Her tiny pink nose wrinkles. The words taste bad in her mouth.

She points one graceful paw at my down coat. “Please,” she says. “For me.”

Not wanting to further embarrass the cat, I put my coat on, step out on to the porch, reach for the chocolates – and hear the door’s bolt slide into place.

“Liza! Liza Bean!!”

Her pretty little face appears in the picture window next to the door. She is sitting on my bed.

She is dangling my car keys from her left front paw.

Her green eyes shine.

“Liza! No! No, Liza! Bad kitty!”

Liza Bean winks at me. “I’ll let the neighbor know that you’ve fallen down some steps and need help.”

“No! Not Bart! Don’t send Bart over here!”

Liza Bean smiles, her pointy little teeth shining in the morning light. “He’s the only one with a key to the house.”

Dammit! Bart always has spit in the corners of his mouth and always overstays.

Liza Bean is no longer visible through the window. I run back to the door and press my ear against it. There is the almost imperceptible sound of my keys jingling as she runs down the flight of stairs leading to the front door.

I watch from the second floor as Liza climbs into the car, turns the engine over, adjusts the seat, and plugs in her iPod.

I open one of the windows, lean into the cold air and shout,“You’ll at least return it with more gas than when you left, right? Liza Bean! Right?!”

She raises a paw to me, waves jauntily, and pulls away from the curb.

I pop a chocolate into my mouth and wait for Bart.

That’s it. No afternoon treat for the kitty, that’s for sure.

32 comments:

The Vegetable Assassin said...

That kitty is one sassy lady! And quite talented if I may say so. My cat never mastered driving. She claimed not to understand my standard shift Pontiac - she only drove automatics. A likely story. I love that Liza Bean is from such an aristocratic background too. NO YOGA PANTS, PEARL. Next time make sure you have a ballgown handy, okay?

That Janie Girl said...

Do not bring Liza Bean down here when you come visit. I love her voice! Pearl, thanks for making me laugh!

savannah said...

OMG! see? these are the kinds of happenings that have put me off c-a-t-s forever! they are beyond sneaky, sneaky! but, at least she did suggest a coat, sugar! one day remind me to tell you about the 2 stoner cats that lived with us! xoxoxoxo

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Sioux Roslawski said...

Thank goodness you have Liza Bean around to keep you on track, fashion-wise. I shudder to imagine what she might say if she saw me in my...Crocs! Horrors!

Gigi said...

That Liza Bean! I imagine she had somewhere happenin' to be to ring in the New Year. At least she made you take your coat and left you some chocolate.

Ponita in Real Life said...

At least she got you to put your coat on so you wouldn't be as frozen as those chocolates!!!

Bad kitty!

Lila would do something like that.

No wait... she's not bright enough to think up something like that. And she doesn't know how to drive. ;-)

Jhon Baker said...

so funny. i can only hope she doesn't have her own blog - I assume that my cats would be readers and I would have to start keeping better eyes on my keys. Come to think of it, K's keys did go missing recently...

furiousBall said...

my cat just took a huge dump and it reeks. i hate his "practical jokes"

Tracy said...

Pearl, that is wonderful and Liza Bean, you are one cat that has control and manippulation down to a science! How funny!

Eva Gallant said...

That's one very sneaky feline!

Laoch of Chicago said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kelly said...

Fell for the old, "Dark Chocolates on the porch" again, did you?

WrathofDawn said...

Best Liza "Bean" Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) story EVAH!

She must NEVER meet my cat.

Cloudia said...

Wishing YOU Aloha from Hawaii

Comfort Spiral

><}}(°>

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I sure hope you enjoyed those chocolates. That's one devious cat.
Happy new year to you, Pearl.
xoRobyn

24 Corners said...

What a clever little stinker that Liz Bean is! Did she bring some 'sorry' back with her?? It might be time to spike the kitty-litter!
I *always* start thinking and speaking British when I read Austen, and in a very high and mighty way too...it's kind of fun and makes me feel smarter.

Your a pearl, Pearl (I'm sure you've never heard that before)...Happy New Year!
xo J~

24 Corners said...

That would be "you're"...best git to readin some Austen!

becca said...

have a happy new year

Oilfield Trash said...

Happy New Year.

Karen said...

Chocolates...yeah, I would've gone out too.

Kate Mohler said...

Great post, Pearl! Your kitty looks like one of mine (check Sara out on Facebook). They're pretty forthright, aren't they? :-)

Flea said...

Liza Bean and Lou the Loud need to get together. Don't worry - Lou's been fixed (shhh! Don't tell him I told you).

Roses said...

Naughty kitty. Bad puss.

She's a crafty one that Liza Bean.

Pearl honey, how many times has she pulled this crap? And you're still falling for it?

Pearl said...

It's true that I've fallen for that trick more than once. But they're CHOCOLATES!

IndigoWrath said...

Cats? Evil little bastards, every one. For instance - King headed out early tonight, my best royal-blue-and-silver necktie contrasting beautifully with his gold mane. I then find he ate all the smoked salmon that I was saving for supper, and that my fridge was devoid of champagne. Evil, I tell ya! Happy New Year! Indigo x

bruce said...

that is why i have a dog. cats are. so. devious. the TuckMonster would never leave me outside and steal the car...he may push me outta the boat tho' and go cruisin' for sticks!

i have a little award for you...stop by and pick it up if you want to.

Happy New Year!
Bruce
bruce johnson jadip
evilbruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
Bruce’s guy book
the guy book

imbeingheldhostage said...

Anything witty I could have said was lost when Kelly's comment had me coughing up a lung-- too funny. When you get back inside, I hope you have a Happy New Year.

Macy said...

Afternoon treat? You seriously expect her to be back by afternoon??
Happy new year - with or without kitty...

lunamother said...

surely she just went out for coffee to go with the chocolates?
this is why I have dogs.

Douglas said...

Dogs mope or slobber, cats scheme and, therefore, rule whatever domain in which they find themselves. You never had a chance.

a Broad said...

Boy am I glad she made you put your coat on !
Pup would have bungled it and ended up on the porch in my coat while I was inside with the keys. Or perhaps not. He used to be very good at getting Me behind the wheel while he was in his back seat, head out the window position.

Stay warm Pearl Girl !!

haphazardlife said...

I love that cat. All attitude. - Jazz