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Sunday, December 12, 2010

The Position of Personal Narrator is Now Open

The streets are treacherous, my friend, and have taken it upon themselves to break the bones of both of the women next door (one ankle and one wrist apiece).

And here I am, laden with a yoga bag and my “bus” purse (large enough to hold my lunch but not big enough for a pony).

The narrator speaks in hushed tones:
“Armed carefully with her cash card, a lipstick, 10 pounds of various things she feels she must carry with her and her belaying rope, she picks her way carefully down the icy sidewalks, choosing the placement of her feet as carefully as the sherpas and mountain men who have gone before her. Let’s follow as she negotiates these treacherous city streets.”

The name is Pearl.

Pearl Norgay.

The thought that someone like Morgan Freeman – or perhaps David Attenborough – is in a small studio somewhere, sipping tea and commenting on my life, helps me get through these “Hey! Is that the SUN shining?” days.

We do what we can to keep our strength up.

But what I would propose to you, my world-wide-like friends, is that in the same way winter is not for the faint of heart, it is also not for asthmatics, people who enjoy sensation in all their limbs – including the locally-endangered toes – or this strange breed of male insisting that shorts are year-‘round attire.

Yes. I recently saw a man, outside, wearing shorts.

Now, I am not a violent woman. And yet when the outside temperature is 3 degrees Fahrenheit (that's 16 below Celsius), the vision of this, my clueless neighbor, climbing out of his car to walk into the grocery store wearing a pair of shorts, a hoodie, and sandals, produces violent thoughts in me.

Something in me wants to punch him.

And before you think perhaps he had been to the gym and was just popping in for a quick Gatorade, I put it to you that while it was technically possible for this to be true, I would wager that it was not.

But what does my inner narrator say about it?

“Stepping lightly from the ladder that takes him from the driver’s seat to the snow-encrusted tarmac, he scans the parking lot. Surely someone has seen him, remarked upon the impressive girth of his vehicle. Chuckling softly, he notes that, again, he has done well in his purchase of the largest mode of civilian transportation available. He steps away from the car, pressing the remote to lock it – BEEP BEEP – and observes with satisfaction the people who turn. They have, without doubt, noticed his casual dress, his expensive vehicle and have been made aware of his manly bearing. He enters the grocery store in pursuit of the elusive mesquite barbecued chicken – and this time – this time! – expenses be damned, he would buy potato chips as well.”

Everywhere, the people in my life are heading to warmer climes. Their own personal narrators have tired of looking for synonyms for “cold”, “snow”, and “seasonal depression” and have given them leave to, well, leave. Just look at them: on their way to Vegas, just back from Hawaii, looking forward to trips to Puerto Rico, they have lost touch with the subtle insanity of winter.

But not me. I’m not going anywhere. I’m riding this SOB out.

And I’m gonna kick this season old-style.

Shhh. You hear that? Mr. Freeman is speaking again...

“Pearl carefully eyes the city bus, calculating which of her fellow riders is most apt to smell funny…”

34 comments:

Douglas said...

"Pearl Norgay"...

Should I hereafter refer to you as "Ms Fortunate?"

My personal narrator quit without notice some years ago mumbling

This guy is extremely boring. I should have moved into that accountant's head.

Rene/ Not The Rockefellers said...

I'd like the opening shot of the movie of your life to be you, squinting into the sun...

Ponita in Real Life said...

You have a personal narrator? I don't think we have those up here across the border... *sniff*

Drop kick the guy in shorts into the nearest snow bank... let him really feel the season... those toes will soon begin to turn blue and he'll be wishing for his Sorels and snow pants! Idiot.

Wishing I could afford to head south for the winter. It is -29C right now and with the wind, feels like -40. We both know that's the same up and and down there!

Flea said...

While it's not the Bahamas, you could spend some time in Tulsa this winter. Not much snow. I can just about promise ice storms which cripple the city. And it's a sunny 25 here right now! Warming up to 37 this afternoon! With highs of 55 later in the week. C'mon down!

Friko said...

I've always wanted a personal narrator. Do you think I could borrow yours?

Good luck with the pavements!

alwaysinthebackrow said...

If you are writing that narration, please include a statement such as "As he steps out of the large vehicle parked in the handicapped parking space, his sandaled foot meets snow-covered ice. Suddenly, our man finds himself looking up at his vehicle from the cushion of a large snowbank recently formed by the blade of a parking lot snowplow." Imean, if you are writing it, you can give him his due.
If you go south, please take me!

FabuLeslie said...

Great post. I sometimes imagine the soundtrack that would be playing behind the events of my life. I guess with the advent of ipods that's a more easily attainable goal. You could literally put the ipod on and it could become your soundtrack. But I imagined it in the early 90s, when I was riding buses to and from campus, braving the weather, like you. But I'm in Texas, so the cold days were closer to 40 degrees. ha! Here's hoping the winter's not a long one!

FabuLeslie said...

p.s. I forgot to vent about the Hummers and their owners. Ick! You are so right about what they must be thinking, driving those obnoxious gas-guzzling so-imagined status-symbols around.

Leenie said...

It helps to sit here in Idaho with my frozen toes and know there are people in Minnesota just as frozen and stir crazy. So frazzled by knowing at any moment they could miss a step and send themselves to the insanity of the emergency room--that they, too are hearing Morgan Freeman in their head.

Oilfield Trash said...

It is too cold outside for anything shorts related.

Green Girl in Wisconsin said...

Shorts? You should've clocked him. LOVE that Morgan Freeman narrates your behavior patterns.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

Y'know, Pearl? People like that guy? Shorts and sandals in the Arctic guy? He's the guy whose expensive car will break down one day somewhere on a remote Minnesota highway and it will not be near coffee, a garage or a cell phone signal. And that guy? Will be found solid as a frozen fish stick at the back of the freezer, sort of like Jack Nicholson in "The Shining". Then who'll be a smart ass? We all will.

Morgan Freeman narrates my life too! Usually it's when I'm in the laundry room. He makes shovelling dirty underwear and a work out shirt so much more dignified.

Vicki Rocho said...

Haha! I don't understand the people who run around in this frigid weather in shorts. Are they flippin NUTS? Where is their common sense and/or mother?

Jeanne said...

I don't mind that they're wearing shorts and sandals.

I mind that the fact that they're wearing shorts and sandals makes me feel colder.

Symdaddy said...

The Daddy has always had me commenting on his daily routine, comings (been a few of them!) and goings.

I tell it like it is!

Even now he's trying to log-out and turn off his laptop to stop me telling you about the time when he ........{click}

Rodak said...

What is this thing about dressing as though one were impervious to the cold? In this college town, in the midst of this early-arriving winter, young women were walking around in short-shorts and flip-flops long after this old dude here had dragged is his parka out of storage. I don't get it. And I don't like it. It puts all of Creation out of whack.

Jhon Baker said...

I first read this and started narrating my life as I went though the motions of walking around the house and going out for a cigarette with my wife. I think the funny looks and laughs I got from her and my son were enough for me to keep this up for awhile. Also, it kinda fits in nicely with my dream of a band that follows me around playing my theme music (which in my head sounds too much like a bad porno).

a Broad said...

Being in "that sort of mood" today, I would like to see the large guy in sandals and shorts discover that he has locked his keys in his big fancy car.

bruce said...

my life has a personal narrator and he has his own blog...i call him EvilBruce...damn you EvilBruce...

and he is working on a rant about the shorts in winter guy...cuz it is soooo stupid to wear shorts in the exterior parts on the norther-regions....

fun and snappy post as usuual..

Bruce
Bruce Johnson JADIP
EvilBruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
the guy book
the guy book

The Jules said...

When I got told off for so-called 'stalking' David Attenborough, my defence of "I'm narrating him" didn't go down that well.

Also, the courts don't like it when you build a camouflaged hide near the bench.

Hoenstly, it's health and safety gone mad.

Susan in the Boonies said...

The snow is piling up rapidly, the wind is whipping in 40 mile an hour gusts outside, the trees have white vertical stripes on them where the snow is blowing sideways against them, and my 16 year old son is crouched like savvy sherpa in front of our fireplace ---- in SHORTS. It's a guy thing. They think they're above the elemental limitations of the rest of us. Except for the non-poser sherpas who are TRULY savvy. They get their gear at REI.

Kay Dennison said...

I don't really like Florida but at this time of year, it sounds pretty damned good! You can pick me up in Ohio on your way!

Eva Gallant said...

I hate those guys that wear the shorts and sandals all winter. Idiots who somehow avoid the frostbite that I would surely suffer if I did the same!

It's actually 44 degrees farenheit and pouring rain in southern Maine today.

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Morgan Freeman, eh? Good choice. This weather is one of the big reasons I have looked forward to retirement. I don't have to leave the house all week if I choose not to. Except to shovel snow....

The Retired One said...

Oh, and I hear the narration in SURROUND sound, my friend!! haha
We got 12 inches of snow overnight here in the frozen tundra known as the U.P. and it has been a constant blizzard all day and still roaring this Sunday night. Please. Send. Chocolate.

Gigi said...

What a moron! Shorts? In this weather? Does he wear his winter gear in the summer too?

Cate P said...

"Cate sits back in her chair, satisfied to know there are other people just like her...."

The Unbearable Banishment said...

I thought about you when I saw news of the big stadium collapse. My Giants were suppose to play football in Mpls today and it spoiled my Sunday! Get your shit together up there!

Gaston Studio said...

You are just so freakin' talented Pearl!

Re the man with the shorts and huge vehicle, maybe he's just looking for attention and is getting it, albeit not the admiration he wants.
Just saying.

sandra said...

I like your vital style...!!

savannah said...

you ARE at home today, right? xoxoxox

Bossy Betty said...

I could watch this show all day.

Eric said...

There was a fellow who lived across the street from my old house, sort of a trust-fund baby blessed with magazine-model looks who never seemed to work but only work out, play golf and go fishing; he had sort of a G.W.-Bush level of cocksuredness and his wife was named... watch for it... "toy." He always, always! wore a tennis visor turned upside-down and backwards. Shorts man reminded me of him. I am glad you survived your adventure to issue this report.

BLOGitse said...

It's -12 C and a LOT of snow in Helsinki and I can't imagine any human being going out in shorts!
I don't have a narrator but I have little people talking to me - in my head. Different person for different situation.
Makes life easier. I don't have to make all the decisions by myself! :) :) :)