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Monday, December 6, 2010

Plus I Can Do A Number of Push-Ups (as long as that number is under five)

You can go to the Weather Channel if you like. You can consult the ol' home barometer or listen to the radio for storm updates. Me?

I’m relying on my hair.

It’s a family thing, a gift, really. My mother has the gift, as does my sister, this ability to predict the weather with our hair. Of course, we’ve yet to find a market for it – or even someone who will listen to us talk about it without absentmindedly checking their Blackberries, but I remain confident that this is my talent.

If I could only convince my bank that it’s an asset.

Do you know about this gift of mine?

Some people are naturally slender. Some people can add long columns of numbers in their heads. Me?

I have weather-forecasting hair.

It’s simple, really.

If my hair has gone from semi-controllable waves to Oh-My-God-Are-You-OK-Pearl? then it’s humid out. It’s the look of the mad woman, the look of someone who’s just gotten off a rollercoaster or recently volunteered at the Science Museum for something undignified. When you see this, you know to change to cooler clothing and avoid crowds.

If my hair is plastered to my forehead, it’s very hot out. Seek the shadows.

And if my hair goes completely straight and flies about my head as if trying to warn others of danger, it’s dry and most likely cold enough outside to keep meat. There's not actually any danger, but you'll probably want to check the snowblower and make sure there's food in the house because you're not really going to want to go outside for a bit.

Oh. And you should probably moisturize.

There are other hair-related signs, of course, if you're paying attention, that are more indicative of where we are in the year.

For example, if my hair is braided and twisted around my ears it's most likely Halloween, and I think I’m Princess Leia. Either that or it’s Oktoberfest, I think I’m German, and I’m gonna drink a lot and want to engage in swaying communal singing later. (There’s no real “weather watch” connected to that one – it's just a warning in general.)

There are others, of course, with this gift. There’s a woman who gets on the bus several stops after I do who has The Gift. Our eyes met this morning, the sympathetic look of strangers who feel each other’s pain. We exchange the Grimace of Acknowledgment: a thin-lipped smile, of sorts, passes between us, a look that says “I know you had hoped to look better today, but the lack of humidity…”

Neither one of us left the house looking like this -- it created itself in the streets between the front door and the bus stop. Today's lack of moisture requires leave-in conditioners; and since all I require of myself in the morning is that dress and lock up on the way out, what were the odds that I’d have time to wash, dry, and style my hair?

Let's not be silly.

I'm not alone. There's comfort in that.

Minnesota's weather forecast? Tomorrow will be dry and cold, followed by more dry and cold.

And you? What's your hair saying today?

44 comments:

Oilfield Trash said...

Hair works good. I always just check the nipple-meter. Nipple hard = cold. Nipple soft = warm. Nipple wet = rain.

Pearl said...

Oilfiend, :-) I have a pair of large-ish walnuts hanging from string in the back hallway that are used as weather forecasting devices. If your nuts are wet, it is raining...

Pearl said...

Hmm. That was supposed to be "Oilfield", not "Oilfiend". :-)

Oilfield Trash said...

It is ok Pearl. I also have a weather rock hanging from a string outside my kids bedroom window which does the same thing as the walnut.

Cheeseboy said...

So THAT'S why Princess Leia had her hair like that. Planet Hoth has the worst weather.

Funny stuff, as usual.

Oilfield Trash said...

@ Cheeseboy, I think you are onto something there.

savannah said...

my hair is saying, "stay inside under the covers." and i'm listening, sugar! xoxox

Leenie said...

Dang I wish you lived a little closer or worked on NPR. It would be useful to have that Minnesota voice telling me to get my sorry body out of bed a little earlier because it is going to be a leave-in-conditioner day. It would even be nice to have someone working on a national weather program that even acknowledged the fact that Idaho exists. But then, it they knew there was more to this place that skinheads and members of NRA (oh, wait that's true...nevermind).

injaynesworld said...

Pearl, you've charmed me once again. I can hardly wait for your book.

The best my hair can do for my is chronicle the passage of time by the length of my gray roots.

Pearl said...

Cheeseboy, yep! Her ears were cold AND she was drunk.

Savannah, the clues are all around us! Who knew that our hair had something to say?!

Leenie, shhhhh! Don't tell anyone about Idaho! I mean, true, there's that whole skinhead thing, but it's also dead gorgeous up there.
It is the same way for Minnesota -- we talk about the cold and the snow to keep people away, but actually it's a lush tropical garden akin to... oh, rats. I can't do it. It's seriously cold here.

Pearl said...

injaynesworld, that's very kind of you and welcomed from a writer like yourself!

Gigi said...

I'm with you Pearl. My hair also serves as a forecasting tool. To say the least, it can be exasperating.

Tay Talk said...

We exchange the Grimace of Acknowledgment: a thin-lipped smile, of sorts, passes between us, a look that says “I know you had hoped to look better today, but the lack of humidity…”

SO FUNNY. I can visualize it perfectly.

My hair doesn't forecast the weather, rather how I'm feeling.

Today’s hair says—Rolled out of bed 15 minutes before work. I wishing I could have slept for 5 more hours. I don't care what you think today.

Flea said...

Oh dang. Maybe I have a weather predicting thyroid. Maybe not.

Elizabeth said...

I too am experiencing Minnesota hair today. And thank goodness Sweeney Todd's is closed today, because I actually called and tried to make an appointment to have it all cut off.

haphazardlife said...

In Montreal we have a strange mix of damp and cold. We're talking flyaway frizz if that's in any way possible.

white rabbit said...

'If your nuts are wet, it is raining'

Nope. If my nuts are wet I'm in the shower. I'm sorry, I couldn't help that comment...

Sweet Cheeks said...

If only your hair could predict winning lottery numbers...
=]

Gary Baker said...

My hair's waving. Waving goodbye.

a Broad said...

My hair is happy because it was not tortured with a blow dryer or excessive brushing this morning.
My scalp, however, is whining a little because this ponytail is pulled back so tight my eyebrows are just about to touch my hairline.

The Vegetable Assassin said...

I agree! My hair currently is drier than a Mormon wedding. My hair and Winnipeg winters do not agree. Come to think of it, not much agrees with a Winnipeg winter... But right now my hair's a static, dry, flyaway, brittle mess. Yet in summer it's all silky and lovely and soft. WTF?

becca said...

who says you need the weather station to tell you the weather

bruce said...

instant classic! very well written post...

with my hair...if i am wearing a black knit cap it is winter...and in michigan according to my hair we have 9 months of winter and three months of not winter...

looking forward to the book!

bruce
stupid stuff i see and hear
and
bruce johnson jadip

Kate said...

My hair says it wants a day off of work. So it doesn't have to get washed.

Douglas said...

Pearl, anything below 70's just plain sucks. We (human beings) were obviously designed for warm weather. We do not have fur (most of us anyway) except in certain small sensitive areas. We had to invent clothing and fire to protect us against cold. Clearly, we should all live in a warm place where we could run around happily naked.

Pat Tillett said...

My hair is much too busy laughing at this hilarious post to say anything right now.

Kitty Moore said...

It's saying 'I need some attention. You've been on the computer giggling to yourself for ages. Wash me damn you!"

Kal said...

This is too funny. We could form a superhero group of people with nearly useless powers. You with your weather predicting hair and me with my ability to tell when the phone is going to ring. How we can save the world? I have no idea but it would make a funny movie if we could find a few other members - the League of Heroes With Useless Powers.

Sweet Cheeks said...

@Kal...That is a brilliant idea!!!!

A man called Valance said...

'What's your hair saying today?'

Long time no see, I suspect.

SherilinR said...

my hair is saying, "don't go out in public unless you want strangers to throw coins and insults at you because you look greasy & homeless."

Eva Gallant said...

You are such a delight to read. I'm so glad I somehow found your blog! Love it!

Bambam said...

My hair says "Get a Number 3 every 6 weeks because you are going bald and it looks fkn stupid any other way!"

Far Side of Fifty said...

Some days I am so happy that it is below zero so that when I go out I can just wear a dorky looking hat:)

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

You are always funny, Pearl, but you really got into your funny zone with this one. Starting with the title, every line is hilarious. Great work. My hair and I thank you. We're happily styling, with just the right amount of lift, in California. Sorry to boast.
xoRobyn

Leenie said...

My latest post was already written but not published when I noticed your mention of the wonderful ice in car wheel wells. I'll bet I'd almost feel at home in Minnesota.

WrathofDawn said...

Remember Ally McBeal? Yeah. That thin. That stringy. Thank God for mousse, blow dryers and round brushes. Some days I can actually create an optical illusion that looks like a normal head of hair.

Kay Dennison said...

My brown hair is running away from home and only the white stuff is staying!!! I think this looks like job for Batman!!!!

UBERMOUTH said...

Oh that reminds me, I need to go to the salon. :)

My hair is boring. It just lays flat always.

Roses said...

Outside, my hair is hidden by a woolly cap with flaps and a bobble. Inside, it's saying 'hat hair'.

Winter never sees me stylish. At least it sees me dressed warmly.

By the way, your beauty regime is pretty much mine.

Tempo said...

..another incredible and interesting talent you have there Pear....Hey! I got an email...

Symdaddy said...

I have a weather forecasting WILLY!

I won't tell you exactly how it works, but if it rains ... I stay indoors ...


[wink, wink]

... know what I mean?

Sausage Fingers said...

Thank god I live in Florida but don't remind me in August

Grant said...

My hair is saying "cut me already, you filthy hippie."