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Friday, December 3, 2010

I’ll Be at the Bar

Let the record reflect that yesterday was much harder than it needed to be.

I want to be clear about that.

But first! Let’s not kid ourselves – I know why you’re here. It’s the iPod, isn’t it? Word has gotten out that my iPod, set on shuffle and played during my morning commute, has the ability, nay, the power, to foretell the future.

Let’s get to it, shall we?

Hold On, Hold On by Neko Case
Ace of Spades by Motorhead
Helter Skelter by The Beatles
Earth Intruders by Bjork
Undestructable by Gogol Bordello
She’s Hearing Voices by Bloc Party
Namaste by Beastie Boys

The iPod has spoken and things are looking weird, my friend. I suggest you stay indoors, take a number of bubble baths, and avoid mirrors.

The iPod does us this service, asks little in return, and like mysteries such as the Nazca lines, oven pre-heating, and those rubber dryer balls, is largely a combination of interpretation and the willingness to believe.

That said, where the heck was my iPod heads-up yesterday?

Thursday officially started just moments after 6:00. Distracted by a second coat of mascara and Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys) running from me to the fridge, me to the fridge in the mistaken belief that I would pour a little half-and-half into her bowl, I left the house three minutes later than I usually do and found myself unable to cross the road in time for my bus.

If a woman sighs and there’s no one around to hear it, will someone buy her chocolate anyway?

I pride myself on my ability to adapt, to know when, as my grandfather would say, to come in from out of the rain. Absolutely hours and hours of Girl Scout training had taught me to sew beads, put my dirty dishes in a mesh bag when washing them in a stream, to align myself with a Boy Scout whenever possible, and to make use of available time. Surely I could use this unplanned-for delay to my advantage.

The next 20 minutes were spent standing in a three-sided enclosure, waiting for the next bus to arrive. I distracted myself by rubbing my thumb against the Sharpie-ed name of some graffiti-loving twit until it disappeared.

Sl33py P33 W33 is not allowed to write his name on my bus enclosure.

I arrived at work without further incident.

The 10:30 bathroom break I took added another dimension to the day when I discovered that a number of my undergarments were on inside out.

We’ll delve no further into that.

An hour later, I was 30 minutes into the creation of a rather large and highly manipulated spreadsheet when a power surge turned my computer screen black.

Good thing I had saved it 25 minutes earlier.

The rest of the day was a blur of modifications, of discovering I’d done some things right and other things – well, we’ll delve no further into that, either.

Some days are just so much harder than others.

Come back tomorrow and we’ll discuss weekend serving jobs, black pants and white shirts, and what you’d give to clear the tables of a couple hundred people.

Happy Friday, everyone.


Glen said...

just be grateful you weren't hit by a bus BEFORE rectifying the undergarment issue - could have been a disaster

Simply Suthern said...

Are you as entertaining when you serve?

That was my nite last nite. The flanges were too large and the jaw fell out of the superspacer and then my Best Test was left at home. Dont cha hate it when that happens?

This Morning? Not so bad.

Pearl said...

Glen, Ack! You're right -- but what a post it woulda been!

Simply, maybe. :-) Yep. Some days things just go wrong -- but it's not the things going wrong that will ruin a day, it's how you deal with it. Yesterday was hard, but I still had a good time. :-)

Elizabeth said...

Goodness. Your week sounds a lot like mine. I hope you can heed your ipod's warning and lay low.

Bossy Betty said...

At least the undergarments were on the inside of the clothing. Uh....they were, weren't they?

Oilfield Trash said...

I need a drink.

Camille said...

Well good heavens Pearl - there's the answer to your God awful day. Don't cha' know that when you shift/turn your girlie unmentionables into another direction you change your luck for the day? Sheesh. Don't ever do that again. At least that's what my Auntie Duddie always told me. You've been warned.

Grant said...

I was saddened when I joined the army and learned that none of my boy scout training was applicable. I've written their association and asked that they add merit badges for useful stuff like flamethrower operations and advanced killing, but they haven't responded yet.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Wait, I think my girl scout training included the option of turning my unmentionables inside out in order to get another day's use from them. Keeps the backpack less full on those long, long hikes we always planned to take.
Hope that the weekend is better, with at least a little extra change in the pocket from those who realize their good fortune in having such an amazing black-pantsed, white-shirted woman at their table.

Tay Talk said...

Barf. Don't you hate the days when you realize you put your panties on inside out?

And I might have just sat and cried when the power went out. Because I am sure that in-between when you had saved it last and the power going out, you had done other work on it that didn't get saved.

But hey, it's Friday and that means tomorrow you don't have to work. And a day off always makes anyone feel better.

Kate said...

I often find that my undergarments are inside out. How does this happen? Why? Sigh.

becca said...

well be glad you at least had on underwear i mean hasn't mom always told us to alway make sure we have on clean underwear when we leave because you never know what ight happen

haphazardlife said...

There seems to be a strange type of twilight zone thing going on here. You're describing my life.

- Jazz

Pearl said...

Was unaware that I was not the only one who has experienced the inside out undies. :-) I'm both relieved and amused.

savannah said...

it's because mercury is in retrograde. *nodding* xoxoxoxo

WrathofDawn said...

My day yesterday was much harder than it needed to be, too. In fact every day previous this week was. Which has left me a little punch-drunk and twitchy today. So far, so good. Just don't sneak up behind me or I might pop ya one before I realize what I'm doing.

I don't believe I have ever discovered my underwear was on inside out, though. At least OCD is good for something.

the eternal worrier: said...

I cant do without it on the way to work.

Leenie said...

Hold on! Hold on! She's hearing voices from Earth Intruders! The compute screen has gone black as the ace of spades, Time to say, "Namaste," and run like helter skelter!

Put on your tin foil hats and turn your underwear wrong side out! NOW!

Sweet Cheeks said...

I don't know, Pearlie...I think you're cracking from the pressure. You should probably schedule a short visit to Florida for January...before you go stark raving mad.

If you don't, you'll likely turn into the 'crazy mumbling woman who wears ALL of her clothes inside out and randomly scribbles ignored and unused words from the English language on the walls of department store bathrooms'.

For the love...get some help, woman!

lisleman said...

thinking of Boy Scouts, cleaning a bus stop with your thumb, wearing underwear inside out, - yeah that's a weird day. What did you have on your head? was it silver or spin?

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

May your Friday be limited on topics into which you will delve no further. Namaste.

vanilla said...

th3 iPod shuffl3 is 33rily 3xact, 33z 33t not?

Truly, I want to laugh. But you had such a tough day, how could I do that to you? Oh, wait: you had a good time anyway! BWAHAHA.

Eva Gallant said...

Pearl, Pearl, Pearl. You do make my day; sorry your's wasn't good yesterday. could have been worst if you hadn't saved the spreadsheet before the computer crashed!

a Broad said...

Inside out ? at least you remembered them.
My mom was waiting at a bus stop once and just as the bus rolled up and doors opened, the lady standing in front of mom, had her panties fall to the ground.. there they were, around her ankles, at a bus stop.
She stepped out of them, picked them up, crammed them in her bag and got on the bus.
If it had been me .... I would have run away so fast. Then left town.

Regarding the music... my son knew Lemmy so The Ace of Spades is very familiar in our house ... it brings back sweet ??? memories of my young man being a rocker .. sigh ... I am gettin' old, I tell ya !

Roses said...

Yeah well, today my experience of public transport has been very much like my recent love-life: watching the one I really wanted disappear into the the distance.

Jon in France said...

Since the subject of ladies' undergarments has been broached, it may be of some interest to someone that in the late 1980s, and dressed as a woman, I was propositioned by an extremely drunk Lemmy Kilmister at a Motörhead after-gig party.

I was luck to get out alive.

Dragonfly Dreams said...

Whew! Poor Pearl!!!

I, too, am relieved to know that I'm not the only accidental-inside-out-wrong-way-lingerie-wearer. And what's worse, one time I discovered that the "thong" (remember those) I put on in the morning, which was not feeling very comfortable at all was - er - well, shall we say one hip side was a wee bit bigger than the other two sides? I should have listened to the Scarecrow when he said, "The square of any two sides of an isoceles triangle equals the square of the remaining side!"

Gigi said...

Oh boy - after a day like that - I'd be at the bar too!

Hmmm, after the week or so I've had - maybe I'd better go see if my undies are right side out.

Douglas said...

Undergarments inside out? I am reminded of the time my 1st wife and I were in Reno and watching a magic act in a casino theater. I was prompted to come up as a volunteer and the next thing I know, the magician has surreptitiously shoved a baby duck into my pants. Having not worn any undergarments, I fretted as casually as possible until he retrieved it. I am not sure who was more relieved, me or the duckling.

Tempo said...

lacking inspiration lately Ive been unable to comment...doesn't mean I'm not here though Pearl.

Joanie M said...

Helter Skelter, She's Hearing Voices and Namaste on the same shuffle. Interesting.

Cheeseboy said...

At least you can rest assured that you did your duty to remove graffiti from your town. A woman of integrity is what you are.

Kavi said...

Phew. I so look forward to tomorrow.

Symdaddy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Symdaddy said...

Let me see if I've translated your article correctly, shall we.

Firstly, you were three minutes late due to 'girlie' make-up application, so you blamed the kitty (Liza Bean Bitey (of the Minneapolis Biteys)).

Secondly, at the bus stop, because you were frustrated, you showed a complete lack of appreciation for modern art by defacing, nay, destroying it!

Thirdly, by wearing your underwear inside-out, you prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that your mother should move in with you straight away in order to help you dress in the mornings.

Fourthly, the black screen incident tells us that you still have not mastered the tools (stop laughing!) with which you work (stop it!).

And to cap it all, as you 'bop' to your iPod music, everyone else on the bus has to listen to the irritating, scratchy noise emanating from your ear plug-thingies.


So what if I did get outta bed on da wrong side dis mornin'?

What's Minneapolis gonna do 'bout it, huh?

Oh Sew Good said...

Thank you for visiting and commenting on my blog. Last year's gift was lovely and so very thoughtful of you. :) LOL!

a Broad said...

LOL, Symdaddy !

Jon in France .. Lemmy propositioned you ??? o mi god ... lol ....run, run !

Kevin Musgrove said...

Erm... Twenty minutes sitting alone at a bus stop thinking about boy scouts...

A gentleman would reach no conclusions about the undergarments.