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Sunday, December 26, 2010

If You're Like Me, Pt II

If you’re like me, and we have no reason to believe that you’re not, you have, now and then, the urge to roll your spouse and/or significant other into a large rug and leave him/her – perfectly alive, of course!, and with a cell phone in awkward but reachable range – at the edge of town.

Not always, you understand. But sometimes?

Oh, yes.

These “others” in our lives – they are not bad people. But they are annoying, aren’t they, with their continual questions?

Where are you going?

Where’s my wallet?

How come my food smells of bitter almonds?


Damn his advanced olfactory senses!

Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy men. My son is a man, and look at how much I enjoy him! Why, some of my best friends have been men!

But a spouse…

The funny thing about being married is that people don’t really want to hear about what you think about it. Sure, they may ask you, “So how’s married life treatin’ ya?” but the moment you start talking about your plans to move his bedroom to the garage, they don’t want to hear about it.

Well what’d ya ask me for?!

But that’s where friends come in, isn’t it?

A friend hears you out, shows you the folly of, say, wrapping your husband up in a carpet and disposing his snoring self on the edge of town. After all, it’s impractical. Think about it! In the middle of the night, how do you get him down the steps and how in the world are you going to get him into the car like that? There’s the yelling, the neighbors to consider, not to mention that we’ve got jobs to go to in the morning! No, no, no. This will never do.

Sometimes that’s all it takes – knowing you can talk it out, get it out of your system and move on.

And a beer wouldn’t hurt, either.

And if you’re like me, that’s so much more practical than, say, trying to get a rolled up carpet with a surprise(d) filling down the stairs.

37 comments:

Dr. Cynicism said...

Hilarious post!!! God bless Mrs. Cynicism for dealing with me - I have no clue how she's done it for so long. Oh and, "urge to roll your spouse and/or significant other into a large rug and leave him/her – perfectly alive, of course!, and with a cell phone in awkward but reachable range – at the edge of town." Can this work for family too? Cuz I'm TOTALLY there.

Bossy Betty said...

So, let me get this straight....I should let him out of the rug about now?

ladyfi said...

I hear you! My husband has been in this rug for a few years now... Seems cozy in there...

Belle said...

My husband is either stretched out on the sofa, or laying on the bed. It should be fairly easy for me to push him onto a carpet. I wouldn't give him a phone though, he hates the phone and won't answer it, even if it is two inches away.

Leenie said...

I'm with you sister.

gayle said...

Thank goodness for friends! I have been talked out of doing that more than once!!:)

Oilfield Trash said...

I know exactly how you feel.

Back when I was married I used to drink a lot. The beer seemed to drown out the non-stop constant voice that was always telling me how worthless I was.

Now she can't pay her bills on her own and my house is dead quiet. I think I won that battle.

ellen abbott said...

Oh! The edge of town! that's what I've been doing wrong!

Gigi said...

Carpet? Check. Snoring husband? Check. The urge to roll him up in the carpet? Check! A friend to help me carry him to the edge of town? Check.

So I get all my ducks in a row and then you tell me it's a bad idea? Darn.

Pamela said...

Well thank the Good Lord you adjusted my thinking on that one. It was just about to get ugly ovah he-ah.

Eva Gallant said...

I was so with you, until you talked me out of it!

georgia~gigi said...

Well, first let me say thank you for visiting my blog :) Do hope you'll visit again soon!
Pearl (love that name, I worked with a girl named Megan (loved her) anyways Megan means Pearl so I called her that) just thought I would share that with you, ah ha ha!
LOVE your blog, what a riot!
I think I shall follow you :)
gi gi

Donna Hole said...

Divorce was much easier than the rolled up carpet trick. Though I do miss having someone to blame for everything.

I've sure been enjoying your sarcasm Pearl.

......dhole

The Jules said...

Bedroom in the garage?

I'd be up for that!

Jhon Baker said...

Ether is good in these situations. So is having a couch in my writing room - but that is reserved for when I am feeling generous - otherwise she knows I have guns. and ether. and an iPod - usually the iPod works.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

So, I take it that it has been a long holiday weekend?

Karen said...

God help me if he ever reads this post, because I will be rolled up in a carpet so fast my hair will catch on fire.

Rawknrobyn.blogspot.com said...

I keep learning more and more about you, Pearl. Why did I assume you were single? It must've been that perky attitude of yours! I do want to keep hearing these stories about your married life, though. Please, do share. It's rather enjoyable.
xoRobyn

Sioux Roslawski said...

The Dixie Chicks had it right. A rug could get stained. Use a tarp.

I occasionally threaten my husband with our little wood chipper. I'll say, "I'm gonna Fargo you." He thinks since the opening of the wood chipper is so small, it's ineffective for my purposes. But, that's what an ax is for...

Betty B said...

Brilliant to know there is comedy from oth sides- single and married! Are we ever happy really?!
Check out my blog for a single approach :-)
http://talesfromthemorningafterx.blogspot.com
BettyB

lunamother said...

ha. the only other female in my house is the dog, and though I've never rolled anyone in a rug (awake or otherwise) I have been known to run away from home and tell them that if they so much as try calling my cell number I'll never be back.

but I love being married. I mean, I've done it three times- I MUST love it, right?

Joanie M said...

and John wonders why I don't want to get married. well that and the alimony I'd lose if I did.

Lisa said...

Lord yes! We're having a bit too much togetherness at the moment. If I don't get some alone time soon, a rug or one of those large Rubbermaid containers in the garage may go missing.

tattytiara said...

"In the middle of the night, how do you get him down the steps and how in the world are you going to get him into the car like that?"

You're a bad influence. I'd gotten as far as working out which window I could back the car trunk under and halfway through how to end over end the package up to the window before I realized I probably shouldn't actually be trying so hard to work out the logistics!

injaynesworld said...

Yet another reason why I'm single...

Flea said...

Pearl, you're looking at this all wrong. Leaving him on the edge of won is ENTIRELY possible.

First, the baseball bat takes care of his whining and complaining as you're bumping him down the stairs. He's not likely to wake up till you reach the edge of town.

Second, that's EXACTLY what a best friend is for - to help get him down the stairs with as little noise as possible. And so you don't hurt your back in the process.

Sheesh! Do I have to tell you EVERYTHING?!?

magiceye said...

lol! loved it!

ICKY said...

As they say, 'a friend helps you move, a good friend helps you move a body.'

Sandra said...

SO funny and so true. I was nodding the entire time!

Tempo said...

...a little too much Christmas togetherness Pearl?
I'm single..I mean, with the screaming, the yelling, the snoring...the offensive odours...what would you do?
Yeah, she left me!

Symdaddy said...

Having found myself at the edge of town in a rolled up carpet on many occasions, I really must protest at this openly aggressive (towards husbands) post.

It has been some time since my last immobilisation by a shag-pile, but I fear now for my safety (and future location) following this article.

Putting thoughts such as these into the mind's of thousands of wives across the Boggi-verse should be made illegal and punishable by keyboard amputation!

Roses said...

Damn, I miss being in a partnership.

Really.

hoodyhoo said...

This is an especially good plan right after I say "Roll over, you're snoring," and he says "I'm not sleeping." THEN QUIT MAKING THAT DAMN NOISE!

The Idiot Gardener said...

Yeah, yeah, yeah; it's all too good to be true, until you realise that you just don't have rugs in the house. Rolling someone up in wood flooring is a bit time consuming.

Back to the drawing board!

Pat Tillett said...

Pearl, why you little...

ladytruth said...

Oh, I hear ya, sista! If it weren't for friends and common sense, the world would be a husband-less place :)

Adrian's Crazy Life said...

That is hilarious! I need a friend to have that talk with as well. I like the bitter almonds better than the rolled up rug plan.