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Sunday, November 7, 2010

Stick That in Your Funk and Wagnalls and Smoke It

As a lover of words of all sizes, levels of subtlety, and countries of origin, I’d like to speak to you on behalf of the Citizens for Creativity in Cursing.

I’m a fan of cursing. Not just your standard, four-letter scatological words, crude words spoken without thought, words used by the drunken, the lazy, or the uninspired.

Why limit yourself to four letters?

There is, arguably, a time for drunken, lazy, uninspired and clich├ęd curse words. I personally find myself drunk, lazy and uninspired at least once a month and have relied on them at various points in my life.

When I pumped gas for a living? Four-letter-word dependent.

When I washed dishes for a living? Again, four-letter-word dependent.

But when I’m not drunk, lazy, uninspired or working for minimum wage, I am thinking about words and the words I use. And monkeys.

Words and monkeys.

So I’ve been thinking about curses and curse words.

I mean, what kind of non-crack-smoking, rent-paying, rectum-clenching mouth-breather would I be if I weren’t concerned about the things that go into my daily life the way words do?

Take the guy on the bus on the way home Thursday. This baggy-pants-wearin’, ghetto-fashioned bozo slouched so as to take up both seats. On a packed bus, this Snoop-Dogg-emulating Dollar-Menu-splurging pustule lay insolently across a seat meant to accommodate two.

Now would a four-letter word do him justice? I think not.

We owe it to ourselves to develop a more descriptive way of communication.

Can the CCC count on your support? They demand no less of us.


p.s. I sat with him, He of the Insolent Manner. Oh, yes, I did. “Move over there, sweetie, would ya?” He was shocked into compliance.

Mwa ha ha ha haaaaaa.


Stick That in Your Funk and Wagnalls and Smoke It

29 comments:

ellen abbott said...

Sweetness will do it every time...shock them, that is.

Roses said...

My English teacher used to say that over-reliance of four-letter curses was unimaginative.

Ellen says why would you wish the other person to get laid (especially when you ain't getting none)?

I used to work with milkmen, mechanics and construction workers. I'm pleased to say, my language shocked them.

I often found myself defining 'articulate' in their company.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Although I fully support the mission of CCC, I must point out that curse words that are not easily understood by the cursee (that to whom the curse is directed) my lose some effectiveness. A dumbfounded "Huh?", while immediatley satisfying to the curser (as opposed to the cursor) may not be the reaction which will change the offensive behavior.
But I do love that you sat next to him, especially after your invitation from Stains.

Hilary said...

Stains and slouchers.. you do live in interesting life. ;)

Lisa said...

Shocked into compliance That's my kind of strong arming. Especially when you can use the word "sweetie."

Jon in France said...

I can offer:

Demented pustule; rancid pile of yak spittle and may your genitals become infested with the fleas of a thousand hedgehogs as useful and multi purpose cussing-type expressions.

For a straightforward expletive, "grunt futtocks" remains a favourite in this corner of the world.

Jon in France said...

Oh, and for situations requiring a higher degree of subtly: if it's a battle of wits your looking for I should tell you I would never fight with an unarmed man.

Pat Tillett said...

I agree with you! Sometimes "normal" words just don't convey our true feelings on a subject...

May the bird of paradise fly up your nose and leave his calling card in your esophagus!

EcoGrrl said...

I'm a classic girl. If I don't like someone, they're a cocksucker.

Symdaddy said...

What kind of a £$%p f&*£?ng article do you f&*£?ng call that?

Eva Gallant said...

I guess you told him! or did you?

Argent said...

Jon in France has quoted one of my favorites - it's a battle of wits, my friend, and you are unarmed. One of my other faves is from the Computer Game Duke Nukem: Your face, your ass. What's the difference?

Such courage to make the guy move though. I just seethe silently.

Madame DeFarge said...

I'd be worried that he'd ask me out for a date. Many men interpret such pleasantness as desire.

Linda Medrano said...

I like "son of a motherless goat" myself, but it's not always appropriate!

Kevin Musgrove said...

I always think: "if you can't say something nice about something, don't say anything."

Then I'd call him a bag of wet spanners.

Flea said...

GOOD. FOR. YOU. I'd have done the same thing.

Sadly, I don't use four letter cuss words. Just can't bring myself to be that kind of colorful, even though my husband enjoys employing the coarser language now and again.

Southern cussers-who-don't-cuss are equally unimaginative, replacing the vulgar with such words as sugar, son of a biscuit eater, mother of pearl! (no offense meant) and fudge.

My all time favorite, though, is a wide variety of crap phrases (not so southern). Crap on a stick. Crapzilla. Crap taco. Crappy McCrapperson.

lunamother said...

A fair amount of the renovation to our house was done by two nice young men. They were clean. They were polite. They listened to the Christian Rock radio station.
The entire time they were here I had to watch MY language so as not to offend the construction workers. *~*

a Broad said...

I grew up in the South, educated in California and lived in New York City ... I like to think ( especially since I now live in South America) that I have a well rounded vocabulary of how to tell a person to go F* themselves, in a colorful yet imaginative way ... no point in being a bore about it, is there ?

lgsquirrel said...

"Sweetie?" Is that a new cuss word?

24 Corners said...

Would you mind taking this message, live, to all the middle & highschoolers in the country...I sincerely fear for our youth and THEIR limited vocabulary. Well, I guess we can maybe start by sending this post around to all the teens who are f-bomb dependent now...the ones that think the letter "F" was only invented for one particular word. To bad it isn't fooey (my personal fave)!

Brilliant post and way to make the bozo move!
xo J~

injaynesworld said...

Cuss words are to language what spices are to cooking. Both would be so bland without them, but I wouldn't want a whole serving of either.

You on the other hand, wonderful Pearl, are what'd I'd call a master chef -- always serving up some delightful verbal concoction.

Jen said...

I rarely use the four-letter words. It is fun to see everyone jump to attention on the rare occasions when I do. If you curse daily, it just doesn't have the same effect.

The ultra nice route usually works better. Especially if they are cursing you.

Doctor FTSE said...

"&*£!!)(*&^%$" good blog this, Sweetie! I'm already glad I joined just now.
Please revisit my Silly Blog at any time! Coffee and bacon butties always available.
Sincere regards
FTSE.

River said...

Well, that's one way to get a seat on the bus.
I've given up the four letter f--- and now say fruit bat instead when I drop stuff or crash into the door again.......

WrathofDawn said...

Frippin', frappin' fabulous!

Gaston Studio said...

LOL, well, I guess you told him!

Immodesty Blaze said...

Excellent point well made. Inventing your own solution (read:swear word) is infinetly more satisfying than having to resort to clichees.

Pearl said...

Great comments -- which remind me that my father still says "sugar" and "fudge" when he's really swearing, something I've always found disturbing, hearing someone scream "SUGAR!!!" when they drop something heavy on an appendage...

Irisheyes said...

My mother and father, both from Belfast, never used 4 letter curse words. Although my father was a big proponent of the term "Bloody". I think I want to hang out with Jon in France. Grunt Futtocks?!! I know I will use that soon!