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Sunday, November 14, 2010

Press "1" to Hear the Sound of Your Car Being Towed from the Front of Your House

With the dramatic and moisture-laden arrival of eight inches of snow Saturday, we here at "Pearl, Why You Little..." would like to remind you that winter offers a wide array of scenarios in which you may find yourself frustrated.

Might I recommend a heated adult beverage?



“Thank you for calling the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency Hot Line.

“To have the Snow Emergency Rules explained to you, please complete the following transaction: Press “1” for English, “2” for Hmong, “3” for Somali, “4” for Tagalog, “5” for it to be delivered to you in a Cockney accent or “6” to have someone come to your house and spell it out on your fridge with magnetized letters.

BEEP!

“Thank you for choosing “English”.

“Snow Emergencies are a set of predefined parking regulations that allow crews to completely clear streets of accumulating snow.

“Today is DAY TWO of the City of Minneapolis Snow Emergency. Do not park on the even side of the street between 8:00 a.m. and 8:00 p.m. or until plowed. You can park on the odd side of the street following 8:00 p.m., once it’s been plowed, or if you are under 5 feet tall.

“If you are under five feet tall and cannot move your car after 8:00 p.m., please call the police and sit in your car on as many telephone books as is necessary until help arrives. Try not to look adorably tiny.

“You may park on either side of the streets displaying a red "Snow Emergency Route" sign, but you may not park on either side of a parkway, despite it sounding like you could.

“Day Two of a Snow Emergency does not allow for parking on the even side of a non-Snow Emergency route, nor does it allow for no geetar playin' 'round here.

Maps of non-Snow Emergency routes may be obtained by contacting a local government official or by staring into a mirror in a darkened room chanting “Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency, Bloody Snow Emergency” – whichever one frightens you less.

“A Snow Emergency will be declared no later than 6 p.m. , but you are free to move your car to whatever side of the street seems to have the most cars on it in the hopes that your neighbors know something you do not.

“Please remember that what your neighbors believe to be true, if untrue, will not save you: and we are happy to tow whole blocks at a towing fee of $185 a pop plus a concurrent ticket of $130 each.

“If you have further questions, please stay on the line and someone will be with you shortly to abuse you in a barely understandable urban-based slang.

"Current wait-time is 749 minutes."

BEEP!

28 comments:

EcoGrrl said...

ahh 'snow emergencies'. here in portland the entire city just shuts down if there's even a flurry of flakes in the air. we have three plows in the city for when it actually does snow. two years ago it gave us the shock of a lifetime to get 18" of snow that stuck for a couple of weeks, and even more so to get nasty notes from postal workers Requiring us to shovel our walks in order to get mail! So there i was with my pointy garden shovel trying to figure out how that works. (and suddenly learning empathy). On the good side? Telecommuting or better yet, paid days off and happy neighborhoods (they never plow anything but the main thoroughfares so you just don't drive, period)

Blissed-Out Grandma said...

Yup, you nailed it. I cannot tell you how glad I am that I no longer have to park on the street. 'Cuz it's a jungle out there.

Douglas said...

I once lived in Manassas, VA... where everyone knows it never snows very heavy except for two or three times a year at the worst possible time and where cars are never towed until after the plows hit them and turn them into "curb art" metal sculptures.

Do not ask me about the "Blizzard of `89" in Jacksonville, FL

Ren- Lady Of The Arts said...

Agreed- Street parking sucks- as does snow- I do not miss snow! I do not miss street parking- I love my desert- even when it is over a hundred in the summer!

Leenie said...

I told you snow was coming. Fun read.

vanilla said...

Bwaa-ha-ha! Gotta love urban Minnesota in the wintertime. Especially love Pearl's take on that.

Linda Medrano said...

I don't see myself moving to where you are. Snow scares me.

Eva Gallant said...

That was hilarious! And way too true! I hope snow doesn't come to Southern Maine too soon!

Simply Suthern said...

I would love to see some snow. The odds of getting hit by a snowplow in my neighborhood are nil.

Madame DeFarge said...

You should come over here and see how we cope with some little flakes. It's a national catastrophe. Good excuse to stay off work though. And I can look adorably tiny too.

Symdaddy said...

Very good!

Any time you want to borrow my snow shoes ...

A man called Valance said...

Amused. Thanks.

Robyn said...

I'm in MN with you and I just regained power after the same snow storm and I'd like to see your take on powerless living, it'd be hilarious. It was pretty funny playing pioneers and heating our house from our gas range :)

Gigi said...

Another reason to live down South. Whenever we have a Snow Emergency we all just hunker down - no need to worry about plows as I don't think we have any!

Claudia said...

ha - that was a fun read...we don't have that much snow over here..but if we have..then it's just chaos...

WrathofDawn said...

MWA HA HA!! Snow emergencies! *giggle* SNOW! HA!

If you've got snow, we're not far behind (Look at the map of North America. Find Minnesota. Look right as far as you can without hitting water. Go North. That's us. FROZEN NORTH.)

The winter of 2000-2001? 21 feet of snow on the ground by spring. Twenty-one. TWO ONE. 10+10+1. The next year? Twenty. *wibble*

Of course it's not like that every winter but the possibility always hangs over our heads. (Heh! Hangs over our heads... geddit?)

It's comforting to know that our city hall isn't the only one with mysterious rules...

a Broad said...

I can't stop laughing at this ...
We moved from the Northeast US to Florida where they told us Jacksonville was never hit by hurricanes. That first summer, after the 5th hurricane rolled by, we put the house on the market and moved to Portland Oregon.
Where it snowed ... they said it rarely snowed much .. it snowed a lot .. twice. We moved to Buenos Aires... it never snows here. We arrived in April, in July, (winter here) it snowed. First time in 94 years.
I will let you know when we move again, just to let you know, it might snow.

alwaysinthebackrow said...

Absolutely horribly accurate. I can hear the computerized female voice recording to go with that script. We live in MN, but at least we don't live in the city.
My son had to leave for work at 4AM. The neighbors couldn't park on the street, so they parked in his driveway-blocking his car in the garage. They were bewidered to be awakened to move their car. They thought they'd dodged the snow emergency pitfall.

GYPSYWOMAN said...

might i mention that i once lived in the heart of washington dc - and owned a car - which i ultimately gave to my daughter who lived in the deep south - i rest my case! ;)

Dr. Cynicism said...

Dear god... did citizens have to enroll in PhD snow training programs to live where you do?? Hang in there!

Joanna Jenkins said...

Eight inches of snow AND a tow!?!?! That's just insult to injury. I am so sorry. It's too early for that.
Hang in there. xo jj

Tempo said...

We've had snow three times that I can remember...of course it melted the moment it touched the ground...but those who were there working in the middle of winter in the middle of a very cold night will attest that it really did happen...Or so they say. (I wasnt actually there, so saw nuthin)
Snow day, snow emergency...nope, these words mean nothing to me...

Chantel said...

Last January, we here in Pittsburgh were hit by the snowpocalypse. We had no power for two days and the car could not even be seen.

I became very intimate with my hot water bottle.

Jhon Baker said...

snow - I have yet to rake the lawn or do anything with the leaves at all and there are a lot of those fuckers about. After I deal with those I have to convert the lawn tractor to a show thrower - aug - keep the snow in Minn. if you please.

injaynesworld said...

Yet another reason why I live in California. But then, unrelenting sunshine doesn't make nearly as funny a story.

Make I still have that heated adult beverage?

diane rene said...

whew! that is way too confusing for this gal ... I'm so glad we don't have any of that here in so cal :)

Ricky Shambles said...

Brilliant! I remember when Mrs. Shambles and I were living in a duplex in Parma, OH. The extent of the snow warnings were half a dozen faded signs 3 paragraphs long at the city limits (basically busy intersections 'tween 'burbs). After getting my first ticket I fought to no avail. And that's about when I started my "other" Bad Business blog.

Note to diane: 2nd trip to visit my brother in Hollywood I got tripped up on the Mon/Tues side-of the street bans and received my first ticket. Other parking signs nearby are even more frightening: Limits for parking Mon-Thurs, Fri-Sat, Sun, all different, with no clarification that you don't have to pay after those limited times - but you might just get a ticket if you don't, which made me leave the bar & walk down the street every 55 minutes to pay $2 with my debit card. No snow in SoCal, but I was horribly intimidated by the signage.

Pat Tillett said...

Hilarious!
no geetar playin'

I'd like to say I feel your pain, but I don't. It has NEVER snowed where I live, EVER!
I wish it would, just once! I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue...